I'm a birth mum. Please help me if you can...

[birthmum]

I'm a regular but have namechanged.

I gave birth 17 years ago to a beautiful baby who I gave up for adoption at birth. It was the hardest thing I ever did and there is not a day that goes by when I don't think about my child and not a day when I don't feel pain about the decision I made.

I was only 17 years old, was sitting my A-levels and (mostly influenced my my parents) I decided that giving my baby up for adoption was the best idea. I gave birth by c-section and did not see my child, however after 6 weeks I decided that I could cope no longer without my child and met her, held her, kissed her and decided that I wanted to keep her. When I went home that night, I told my parents how I felt and they called me a 'selfish bitch' and eventually talked me back round to the idea that the adoption was the best for everyone...

I decided that I would like to hear from the adoptive family every year but the first letter and photo, when my baby was one year old, broke my heart. She was doing fine and was obviously very, very loved, but the adoptive mother expressed how difficult it was to write to me and told me how awful it made her husband feel so, for the sake of my daughter and her adoptive family, I wrote and said that they need not write to me anymore if they found it painful, that I was glad that they were happy and that I would manage without the contact and that I loved my daughter...

... fast forward to today and the pain of not knowing anything is driving me mad I suppose since I've had my boys it has made the pain much worse. I do not want to interfere, I do not even need to meet my daughter ( well not unless she decides she wants to meet me) I just need to know that she is alive, that she is well and that she is happy.

So I suppose, if you don't mind, I am asking you what, if anything, you think I should do? I really, really don't want to spoil anything, but I just need to know, but if you think that making contact with the adoptive family after all this time would cause problems for them and my daughter, I really would not do it - I just need a bit of advice from people who can tell me honestly from the 'other side' what they think I should do.

If you have got to the end of this, thank you for reading. Please don't be harsh with me. I truly mean no harm..

No advice, just wanted you to know I read your thread and was touched.

What a tough time you have had
I don't really know why I am replying to you, as I can't offer any voice from the 'other side' of this, but as a bystander I would think that it kind of depends what is going on in the lives of the adoptive familiy and their / your daughter at present as to whether your contact would 'cause problems' for them.
Is there some way that you can let it be known that you would like to have some contact, but are willing to wait until she / they feel ready?
I suspect as she will now be the age you were when you had her that she is aware that she is adopted and will be developing a more 'adult' relationship with her parents which may permit you to build a relationship with her. But it depends what is going on in their lives at present.
I don't think that asking for an update on the 1 year old progress letter, if they feel able to give it, is an unreasonable request after all this time.
My MIL gave up a baby in similar circs to yours, at a similar age, and her daughter hunted her out, but only after her adoptive parents had died.

Thanks

Just needed to tell someone / ask someone. Can't sleep. Can never sleep..

Thanks concordia.
I think that's what's stopping me really. I know what an emotional state I was at 17! I really don't want to complicate things further for her.
To be honest, a little note saying that she was fine would be enough - it's just not knowing that gives me pain...

Birthmum

Could you get some reassurance through a third party (some branch of social services, or the adoption agencies I guess), and leave a door open so that if your child ever wants to contact you she can?

Must be so hard, but you were really brave to do that.

I have been thinking about that Monty.
I wondered whether it might be better for me to contact the social services dept that dealt with the initial adoption, give them my new name (I've since married) and my new contact details and say that I am open to contact, if wanted by my daughter and her adoptive family, and then leave it at that.

Trouble is, that would mean that I still wouldn't know whether she is ok..

I'm going to try again to get some sleep, but if anyone gets time to read this and had any further idea of how to tackle this, I will be grateful..

Have you tried this group? You may have to wait until your daughter is a legal adult before trying to contact her. Barnardos might help or give you some pointers. xxxx

Birthmum - yes, make sure all concerned have your up to date details.

I'm so sorry for you and your child.

Haven't read Math's link and good sound advice there, when she turns 18 there's probably more you could do?

I'm tired too Birthmum, I'll be thinking about you. This must be really difficult. Don't know what to say other than, I really hope she's ok and she more than likely is.

Good luck.

Oops, I'd namechanged for another thread. (Tis Monty).

OP - I am a mum by adoption. My DD was adopted from China therefore we have no information about her birthparents and, sadly, never will. I think it was selfish of your DD's parents to begrudge you an annual letter and photo of their DD. However, adoptive parents can sometimes feel insecure about their role esp when tactless people ask them "but what about the child's real mother?".

Personally, I would love info about DD's bparents, some way of letting them know she is loved and thriving and an opportunity for her to one day meet them (all impossible).

Can't really give you any useful advice just wanted to say try to be kind to yourself (easier said than done, I know ).

OP - I am a mum by adoption. My DD was adopted from China therefore we have no information about her birthparents and, sadly, never will. I think it was selfish of your DD's parents to begrudge you an annual letter and photo of their DD. However, adoptive parents can sometimes feel insecure about their role esp when tactless people ask them "but what about the child's real mother?".

Personally, I would love info about DD's bparents, some way of letting them know she is loved and thriving and an opportunity for her to one day meet them (all impossible).

Can't really give you any useful advice just wanted to say try to be kind to yourself (easier said than done, I know ).

Sorry for double post

I was adopted as my Mum didn't stay with my father so when my Mum got married, he adopted me aged 2. However I never knew my real father and used to dream of the day he'd come and find me although he never has.

So whilst I can't fully understand how your daughter would be feeling, I do know that to be wanted by a birth parent is a essential to knowing you are loved.

I can only imagine the pain you are going through, so as bedlambeast has done you could put notes with the agency concerned and some of the other seeking services (am not too familiar with these).

I started to look for my birth father aged 18 without my mothers consent but it was one of the first things I did aged 18. I don't think I expected to run into his arms but I did want some sort of relationship.

I'm not sure why the adoptive parents would want to stop contact with you as a birth parent but hope that aged 18 she would look for you if she is aware of the truth.

Maybe its worth contacting the birth parents and asking for confirmation of how she is and what she's up to. If this is replied to then you could write her a letter? It would be up to them to pass it on or you could say if she ever asked about you then you wanted to be found.

Let us know what you decide to do. Thinking of you.

I know several sets of adoptive parents who felt very threatened by birth mothers and the possibility of their child preferring birth parents... Sad, but I guess it's a very natural human reaction.

I have a very lovely story about my aunt who gave a daughter up for adoption at age 17, but got back in touch when her daughter was... I dunno? Almost 30? It's been a wonderful reunion (10 years on now), they are close friends now, my long-lost cousin is part of our large extended family, and the adoptive parents seem to be fine about it (or so I hear, the adoptive mother initially felt very upset about the possible contact). My long-lost cousin calls her birth mother by first name, btw, it's very much a friendship rather than mother-daughter relationship.

I agree that 17 is a funny age, but I get the strong impression that all adopted children badly want to know about their birth origin, it's a missing piece of their history. I suggest trying to get in touch with the family and ask about possible news of her.

Currently, you can't make contact yourself (I think), but you can let social services (or the group who organised your adoption) know that, should your DD want to contact you, you would be happy with that.

Also, at 17 I doubt they will let her contact you. I was 21 when I tried to contact my birth mother and I had to go to a meeting/interview type thing, so they could assess whether I wanted to meet her for the right reasons. The lady told me that they personally (they weren't ss) had only started helping people under 25 search for birth parents recently.

In the end they found her, but she didn't want anything to do with me. All I had wanted to say was thank you. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it would be to give up a child, and I've had a great life full of opportunities I may not have had. It took a while, but I eventually got over it.
One day your daughter could be the one wanting to say thank you, and it would mean the world to her that you are willing to be contacted.

Hi Birthmum, I just wanted to give you my perspective as an adoptive mother.
We have been writing letters for our 2dd and so far had nothing back. I know that for me any contact from their birth mother would be treasured.
I think you have been amazing as far as putting the wishes of your birth childs adoptive family first.

Would it be possible for you to contact the post adoption "contact" team that you were originally using? I know that our "contact" team will keep all letters on file until they are requested by either party. Sending a letter to them does not automatically mean it will be sent on and intrude on the adoptive family's life in any way. It might be worth phoning them for a chat. My personal feeling is that if/whenever your daughter does search for you it could mean a lot to her if there was a letter waiting for her explaining why you have held back for so long, it could be important to her that you picked up contact again before she was 18.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide is best

Another angle.
I was adopted at birth and I remember when I approached 18 I was terrified that my birth mother would try to make contact. At that age I just wasn't interested. I had everything I needed in family, and didn't want anything to threaten that.

I thought that one day I would want to met BM and find out more, but here I am aged 41 and still not interested in meeting her.

I am so grateful that she agreed to have me adopted. I grew up with the feeling that she loved me and that she wanted the best for me. My parents always put a positive spin on the situation by telling me bm had wanted to keep me but circumstances didn't allow etc, and that I had been chosen.

I certainly don't hold a grudge of anysort, but I just feel that I don't need another mum. The parents I had were fantastic, sadly they have both passed away now.

I have often wondered if bm wanted to know all was good etc and I have thought about writing her a letter via a 3rd party just to say thank you etc and that I had a great childhood but didn't want to rub it in etc. so haven't.

Having now read your post, maybe I should just to put her mind at rest (should she be interested)..

From the point of view of the adopted daughter, also given up at birth by a young mother due to parental pressures...

I don't think birth parents should ever approach the family directly, as you don't know what harm or upset you may cause them. If she wants to find you then she will make her own investigations at 18, as I did.

In my case, I made contact with my birth mother and things got quite upsetting for everyone. My mum hated the fact that I'd done it, and the birth mother managed to scare me off within weeks by phoning me repeatedly and calling me her daughter, which frankly I wasn't.

I'm still in touch with my half-brothers but haven't communicated with her for 7 years at least.

I have been out all day and have only just managed to come back to this and, quite frankly, I'm overwhelmed.

It has really helped me to see things from all the different perspectives (birth mother, adoptive mother and adopted child) so thank you so much for all of your kind and understanding posts

I have sobbed as I have read the thread and it has given me alot to think about...

I definitely will not be making contact the adoptive family direct. Firstly, I do not know who they are, where they are or even what my daughter's name is (I was told that they had changed it) and secondly, and more importantly, I would not wish to upset my daughter or her family by making contact after all this time. The reason I forfeited my entitlement to the yearly letter all those years ago was because it was causing adoptive family pain to provide it for me. I still feel exactly the same - I would not do anything that would upset my daughter or her parents...

What I may do, following some of your advice, is contact the social services department responsible for the adoption, update my contact details with them and write a letter explaining that I am happy to receive contact in the future if she wants that.

I don't know... need to think about it. I still wouldn't know whether my daughter is well or happy, but at least I would know that she could contact me in the future if she wanted to..

Can I ask another question, if you don't mind?

If you are a birth mother whose baby was adopted and have gone on to have more children in the future - do those children know about your previous child?

That is my other big worry for me. I have three gorgeous boys (eldest 11) who do not know that they have a sister that they have never met (and may never meet) Part of me feels that I need to tell them but another part of me is worried sick how they will feel about me / the situation if I do tell them??

I feel like this whole thing is driving me mad - I feel sick, I can't sleep and I worry about it constantly

Sorry it's long but it is really helping me to talk this through..

I am minded to say leave well alone.

It was so wrong that your parents forced you to give her up, especially after being so brave as to say you wanted to keep her, and saying it would be best for everyone is just out of order. It was only what was best for you and the baby that counted - not everyone else.

If you really feel you have to do something you could write to the agency and leave details should the girl decide to contact you. She might not even know she was adopted and sad and hard as it is, she is no longer your daughter in the eyes of the law.

I really feel for you.

I know fab, that's what, deep down, I keep thinking - I've managed this long haven't I?

It was her birthday last week and I think it has made all of the emotions bubble to the surface - maybe it will pass

Birthmum.

I have a child who is adopted.

You sound like such a lovely caring person. I am so sorry you had to give up your baby girl.

I think all you can do is make sure your details are up to date on the adoption register and hope that your birth daughter will try and make contact.
In the meantime could you write her letters and keep them? They might be something you can pass on if and when she does make contact.

It is very hard for us as adoptive parents to think of sharing our children with their birth parents. I know my son's birth mother well as she is part of OH's family. She doesnt have any contact with him but I have never written her off. She has loads of issues and problems and I really hope one day she can see him again.

I am not saying it will be easy or even pleasant for me but I know its important for DS.

I wish you well. It must be so very difficult for you.

You sound very sweet and loving.

I am sure when the time is right your birth daughter will make contact. Maybe not right now (perhaps she's bogged down with A Levels or the thought of going off to University) but some time in the future...

I'm not an expert but speak as someone who has a younger adoptive brother. He eventually made contact with his birth mother and found lots of half siblings that he has fairly regular contact with even though they are hundreds of miles away.

He still has a great relationship with my mum and dad. They (being reasonable adults) understood his deep-seated need to one day make contact with birth family. I am sure any adoptive parents would.

He was nearly 30 when the time was right for him. 17 is a difficult age so it might be a little while yet, but I am sure it will happen and you will both find some comfort...

Keep your chin up - congrats on bringing up your lovely boys... xxx