I'm a birth mum. Please help me if you can...

[birthmum]

I'm a regular but have namechanged.

I gave birth 17 years ago to a beautiful baby who I gave up for adoption at birth. It was the hardest thing I ever did and there is not a day that goes by when I don't think about my child and not a day when I don't feel pain about the decision I made.

I was only 17 years old, was sitting my A-levels and (mostly influenced my my parents) I decided that giving my baby up for adoption was the best idea. I gave birth by c-section and did not see my child, however after 6 weeks I decided that I could cope no longer without my child and met her, held her, kissed her and decided that I wanted to keep her. When I went home that night, I told my parents how I felt and they called me a 'selfish bitch' and eventually talked me back round to the idea that the adoption was the best for everyone...

I decided that I would like to hear from the adoptive family every year but the first letter and photo, when my baby was one year old, broke my heart. She was doing fine and was obviously very, very loved, but the adoptive mother expressed how difficult it was to write to me and told me how awful it made her husband feel so, for the sake of my daughter and her adoptive family, I wrote and said that they need not write to me anymore if they found it painful, that I was glad that they were happy and that I would manage without the contact and that I loved my daughter...

... fast forward to today and the pain of not knowing anything is driving me mad I suppose since I've had my boys it has made the pain much worse. I do not want to interfere, I do not even need to meet my daughter ( well not unless she decides she wants to meet me) I just need to know that she is alive, that she is well and that she is happy.

So I suppose, if you don't mind, I am asking you what, if anything, you think I should do? I really, really don't want to spoil anything, but I just need to know, but if you think that making contact with the adoptive family after all this time would cause problems for them and my daughter, I really would not do it - I just need a bit of advice from people who can tell me honestly from the 'other side' what they think I should do.

If you have got to the end of this, thank you for reading. Please don't be harsh with me. I truly mean no harm..

OP - I think you need to tell your boys because if their (half) sister comes looking for you one day they will feel deceived if you have kept the truth from them, even if you have done so with the best of intentions.

My birth mother didn't tell her 3 sons until I made contact with her. From what they've told me, it was a surprise but they understood why she hadn't said anything. They were 11, 13 and 15 when we made contact originally.

I think you should tell your boys. Not sure how old your younger 2 are, but they are probably at an age where they would take it in their stride - as opposed to telling them when they themselves are teenagers. People have mentioned that your daughter is at a difficult age and I agree - so thinking of it from the boys' perspective, I'd rather tell them young and not let them get to that difficult age where they might find it harder to accept.

You are the centre of your boys' universe, I would have thought that they would accept the news - told to them in simple terms as cheerfully as you can.

birthmum, I don't have any 1st hand experience, so why am I writing? To offer you support and courage, and hope that you can resolve your sadness. My dad used to work for a charity in North London that handled aspects to do with re-uniting birth parents and adopted children. He died recently, or I'd have asked him more.

Your approach you have described sounds right. It might help that you can easily be traced. One day your daughter may want to know more about you and your family, even if it is about issues to do with health, perhaps when she is planning her family. I'm from a generation when adoptions were more commonplace than now (almost 10 years older than you), and that is an issue that my adopted friends raise.

On the other side of the coin, I and many other friends have had our lives ruined by infertility. Adopting children is the only route to achieving a family. So the chances are that your daughter has been raised in a loving family, overjoyed that someone has made their special baby available. It's so sad that you were forced into that part of the story, but you must never feel guilty about that.

I was given up for adoption at 5 weeks old. I am now nearly 44 and at 17 I had no interest what so ever in finding my birth mother. I knew that I was adopted as it was never treated as a secret by my adopted parents. I only started to think about her when I was pregnant with my 1st baby when I was 20. I was always reluctant to try and find her as I was scared she would be disappointed in me. I have always had problems with self confidence and have a real fear of abandonment and rejection. I didn't make any attempts to find out anything about her until I was 40 when I sent for my original birth certificate which told me her name(I already knew what my birth name had been)I wish I hadn't as it has made her a "real" person rather than a rather mythical figure. As she will now be about 67 I think that it is too late to contact her now. When the law changed a couple of years ago I wrote to registered my interest if she wanted to contact me but was told that there was no one wanting to make contact. This brought all my rejection fears to a head and I had to have some counseling I have always wondered if she thinks about me on my birthday(which is in 1 months time)and whether she "remembers" and thinks about me. I think I will always regret that I didn't try and trace her and I know I will always feel sad that she didn't try and find me.

Thank you again for all of your replies. Just off to do the school run but will take time to read your replies properly this afternoon and reply.

Your kindness and support still overwhelms - mumsnet at it's very best

I've now had time to read through all the posts properly and they've really given me alot to think about, thank you.

I think that I'm starting to make sense of it all in my mind..

I definitely do not want to upset the adoptive family or my birth daughter and I think that making contact (even just to see if she is happy and well) would do that. When I think back at how much the contact upset them all initially, I think unexpected contact after all this time would be very likely to upset them too. So, as much as would like to know that she is ok, I'm going to wait. I've managed this long and I think it's for the best...

I am going to contact the agency that facilitated the adoption. I am going to give them my new name, my contact details and (I'd like your advice on this one) a short letter to hold on file to be given to her if she ever decides that she would like to make contact. I think that I just want her to know (if she ever does start to look for me) that I did not just give her away and forget about her. Far from it - I have wondered regularly how she is and what kind of young woman she is becoming

As for telling my boys, I'm going to think about telling them. Previously, I had planned to never to tell them unless it became necessary, but after reading your posts, I can see that it may become 'necessary' to tell them at a time which is maybe not good (I don't know, when they are in the middle of their GCSEs or something)I think while they are primary age they may accept it better than when they get into their teens - I don't know - I feel sick when I think about it but it's going to be something I need to face...

What do you all think? Does that all sound sensible or not?

Oh and rasputin, your mum was so lovely, 'don't worry. I will help you'...

I am in tears just thinking about it. If my mum had been brave enough to say those words to me 17 years ago, I wouldn't be feeling so much pain now

Family reputation was much more important than my feelings

just go with your gut feeling on it,
i was adopted 36 years ago, back then no contact was ever allowed after the initial adoption, when i was 21 and having a personal crisis in my life i decided to look for my birth mum.
i found her my looking in the phone book in the area i was born in, my adoptive father called her and made contact and i found out she and my half brother had been looking for me for a few years.
it made me feel wanted knowing that and when i met her she had felt she had to tell me her story, which i appreciated, i respect her for what she did because as a mum myself it must have been so hard for her.
we keep our contact to birthday and xmas cards and the odd letter/email..
if you dont try you will never know.
im sure you know the issues that can arise but you sound like you need to fill in some gaps.
good luck to you.
best wishes

Hi birthmum.

Something I meant to say in my last post was that legally as adoptive parents we have to inform the Local Authority in the event of either adopted dc becoming seriously ill or dying. If you contact the LA/adoption agency then they should be able to reassure you on this point.

Your plan for a
"short letter to hold on file to be given to her if she ever decides that she would like to make contact" sounds perfect IMHO

as adopters we personally (although this was strongly emphasised to all propective adopters during our training and panel) are always fully aware that our dc have birth family "out there" and even if we feel threatened we know it is in our dc's best interests to keep the communication open and fulfil our side of the contact agreement.

Maybe for us this is easier because we have met our dc's birth mum so she is a real person who we feel indebted to. Also we feel a sense of duty/obligation to do our best for her and our dc.

wishing you all the best

Hi Birthmum,
There is a charity called After Adoption who support anyone involved, adoptees, adoptive families and birth families. They will listen to you and show you all of your options. They have been invaluable to our family ( we have 2 adopted children).
I agree with some posters that 17 is maybe not the best age to contact your daughter but maybe sending a letter to the post adoption team to show that you are open to contact if she instigates it would be a compromise.
I also understand why the birth family found it hard in the first year to write letters. I found that hard too because I wanted the children to just be mine. Having said that, I would want to support them fully if they ever wanted to make contact with their birth parents.
I hope things work out for all of you whatever you decide... you sound lovely.

Hi Birthmum,

A friend of mine was adopted - at 19 she was entirely clear she had no wish to find out about her birth family - but she'd changed her mind by 23.

The reason I'm adding this (despite having no personal experience of this and being surrouned by posters much more qualified than me) is that if you find that 18 comes and goes with no contact, don't assume it will never come. It could be after university, it could be when she has children of her own.

If she goes through the counselling you have to have before finding out her original details, she'll see your letter at the end of it. I think you should tell her what you said in your OP. She'll then fully understand why she was adopted. It's not unreasonable, also, to say in it that you'd love just to know that she's OK and happy - and if that's all she's able to give you, that information alone would be treasured.

I feel so desperately for you.

Stay strong...

Birthmum, I would be inclined to actively search, as well as leaving a letter on file. The adoptive parents may or may not have told your daughter much about her adoption; they may not have told her anything at all. Given that they were so reluctant to send letters to you initially, and changed her name, they may have had issues of 'turf' or other emotional issues surrounding the adoption that may have prevented them from being open about it.

I wouldn't read anything into them changing her name. I don't think it's permitted in adoption nowadays but it's only natural for a parent to want to name their child.

birthmum...i'm really touched and saddened by your posts.i can't imagine how difficult your life has been.i only hope that somehow,you find peace of mind.good luck

If I was your daughter I would like the letter to tell me a bit about my father, why you felt unable to keep me and why you haven't contacted me.

I hope you get peace.

My mother put me up for adoption and then changed her mind the day before it was to be made legal. From then on I spent the while of my childhood in and out of care while she decided what she wanted. She would drop me as soon as a new bloke came along. If I was settled in a foster or children's home she caused so much trouble I had to be moved. If I was unhappy where I was she stayed away. She is still causing trouble now.

I am telling you this so you know my posts are coming from my heart and I am trying to see both sides.

I wish you a lot of luck and strength.

Dear Birthmum

My story is not so traumatic as yours and I am sorry you have had such a dreadful time.

I gave a child up for adoption 18 years ago and have similar feelings now with regards to how she is doing.

I have done simple things like set up a facebook / twitter account in my maiden name so if she searches for me (my maiden name is very unusual) she can contact me that way.

I have not investigated the "professional" routes mentioned here, though I am contemplating it but would need to speak to my DCs about it before I do.

Starting with the agency that arranged the adoption would sound like the best route.

I will watch your thread with interest and do hope you find some comfort soon.

Thank you again for your very kind and unjudgmental responses - they really are helping me. It is especially nice to hear from those of you who are birthparents too and those of you who were adopted or are adoptive parents - thank you for sharing your stories / experiences, it really is good for me to see things from a different perspective

I've had a look at some of the websites you hhave suggested and had a long chat with my (wonderful, supportive) dh last night and to be honest I'm tied in knots and have no idea what to do. Every time I think of a course of action, I think of a possible negative repercussion of that action and dicount it. I feel really, really confused and don't know what to do

If I'm honest, I think that I really need some sort of help / councilling (sp?) I feel like I'm going mad. I can't sleep, I feel constantly sick..

Unjudgemental? Birthmum, why would we judge you? You had no choice - that's what makes your story so heartbreaking

Do leave a letter with the adoption agency, explaining what happened, for your daughter should she seek you out. That way you'll know you've done what you can, and she'll be able to think about what happened. It may well be important to her to know.

It has become much harder as she has got nearer to 18.
It was very hard to deal with in the early days after the adoption. I was very depressed and found life difficult for a few years but then I met my wonderful husband and life became good. We got married, had 3 gorgeous sons and I was happy.
I never forgot the baby I gave away but, day to day, the pain was not so raw. There have been odd times over the years when I have keenly felt the loss, the greatest I think being when I gave birth to my boys - looking down at them as newborns brought back the agony of being seperated from my baby all those years before....

So, yes, I think you are right. Now her 18th birthday is looming I'm tying myself in knots thinking about what has happened and what might happen

I need to be strong. I need to make contact with the agency. I need to update my contact details so that she can find me if she wants to. I need to write her a letter to be given to her if she tries to contact me (so that she knows I care and am open to contact should she want it)....
...easily said - not so easily done I need to be strong to get this done then hopefully I will feel more settled inside