I'm a birth mum. Please help me if you can...

[birthmum]

I'm a regular but have namechanged.

I gave birth 17 years ago to a beautiful baby who I gave up for adoption at birth. It was the hardest thing I ever did and there is not a day that goes by when I don't think about my child and not a day when I don't feel pain about the decision I made.

I was only 17 years old, was sitting my A-levels and (mostly influenced my my parents) I decided that giving my baby up for adoption was the best idea. I gave birth by c-section and did not see my child, however after 6 weeks I decided that I could cope no longer without my child and met her, held her, kissed her and decided that I wanted to keep her. When I went home that night, I told my parents how I felt and they called me a 'selfish bitch' and eventually talked me back round to the idea that the adoption was the best for everyone...

I decided that I would like to hear from the adoptive family every year but the first letter and photo, when my baby was one year old, broke my heart. She was doing fine and was obviously very, very loved, but the adoptive mother expressed how difficult it was to write to me and told me how awful it made her husband feel so, for the sake of my daughter and her adoptive family, I wrote and said that they need not write to me anymore if they found it painful, that I was glad that they were happy and that I would manage without the contact and that I loved my daughter...

... fast forward to today and the pain of not knowing anything is driving me mad I suppose since I've had my boys it has made the pain much worse. I do not want to interfere, I do not even need to meet my daughter ( well not unless she decides she wants to meet me) I just need to know that she is alive, that she is well and that she is happy.

So I suppose, if you don't mind, I am asking you what, if anything, you think I should do? I really, really don't want to spoil anything, but I just need to know, but if you think that making contact with the adoptive family after all this time would cause problems for them and my daughter, I really would not do it - I just need a bit of advice from people who can tell me honestly from the 'other side' what they think I should do.

If you have got to the end of this, thank you for reading. Please don't be harsh with me. I truly mean no harm..

I think once you've done it, you'll feel a little more at peace. Perhaps if you have a go at writing the letter you'll find it easier than (or at least not so hard as) you think?

But I do stress (although only with the experience of my adopted friend to go on!) that if 18 comes and goes and she hasn't made contact, it doesn't mean that she doesn't want to, or that she'll never want to, or that she won't. It's a landmark age, of course, but it's not the be-all and end-all...

Hi

I have only had time to skim the thread.

Just wanted to add my voice.

Firstly, you are a brave, brave woman. Sounds like your heart was never really in the adoption and it must have been/be heart wrenching to live with.

My brother gave up a baby when his relationship proved too much for him. She is 17 now and lives with her mother and her husband. She has never been officially adopted by him and carries my brother's surname on her birth certificate. The door is open. He has no-where to leave a letter for her to explain his side of the story. He has never had any other children and my heart breaks a little when my children cuddle up with him.

My mum was adopted and she has always longed for answers. She doesn't need to have a relationship with her birthmum (far too much water under the bridge for that) but I know she wishes that she understood the full circumstance of her adoption. I think she would like to feel complete and without these answers she will always feel incomplete. The one thing she would have really, really welcomed was a letter. From her birthmum, in her own handwriting, with her story. Especially as she was never quite sure if the sketchy details she was given were the real story. Her adoption is never discussed although she chats to me about it.

I felt a little shocked to discover my gran wasn't blood related to me but I quickly left that behind as she is just my gran and always will be exactly that.

I think being totally honest with your children is extremely important. You have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. The opposite is true, you have a wealth of experience and wisdom they can draw from. They need to know that having problems doesn't mean its the end of the world. By telling them your story, they learn that things happen we're not always happy about and they learn how to cope and deal with life. I guess only you will know when to do it..... I recommend keeping it fairly light and trying to include it within a conversation that crops us naturally. Don't be frightened to say it is a sad thing for you to live with. Its partly because you love and adore your sons so very much that it has highlighted how much you want to know she is ok.

Part of me feels that becoming an adoptive parent carries with it the 'fear' that the day will come when someone needs an answer about history. Maybe I'm wrong, and I don't mean to hurt anyone, but is that not just something an adoptive parent has to expect and prepare for and that it is maybe a little selfish to try to prevent it?

I hope you get your answers. If it was me, I would go all out, not to break up her life, but to very gently and very carefully let her know you love her.

There is no map here. Please keep us posted.

You know, you could write a letter just for you. A wholly honest one using any word and any scribble that is right for you. Later, you can write a 'proper' one for her file.

You might also find it helpful to write letters to your parents and to her adoptive parents. You never have to send them. You can destroy them once your feelings are out.

Birthmum - I can't really add very much to all the ther posts, only to endorse all the sentiments expressed. I think your parents genuinely thought they were doing the best for you by forcing you to give up your child. I think so many parents thought/think "Oh she'll get over it and it won't ruin herlife" but of course as you know only too well it doesn't work out like that.

I was fortunate enough over 40 years ago to have parents who supported me in keeping my child (and it was a big deal in those days) I have also worked in adoption and fostering as a social worker for over 30 years. I agree with what others are saying about registering your details and maybe contacting NORCAP. However I know a lot of adoptees who are tracing birth parents get a lot of help on the internet. There is no way of course you can know whether your daughter will choose to try to find you. As some posters have said, sometimes this is prompted by things that happen in life, e.g. the birth of the adoptee's own child, the death of the adoptive parents etc.

The only thing I would say that I don't think has been mentioned is that I think you should find a good therapist to get help with your grief over the loss of your baby, because this is what it is. It doesn't matter that it was 15 years ago, if people who suffer loss do not grieve and go through the process then the grief gets somehow stuck and causes more pain. I think this is what has happened in your case.

I have seen TV programmes of women who typically gave up babies in the 40s and 50s who are now in their 80s and are still openly grieving. There is no time limit on grief.

I honestly think you are doing yourself a diservice by talking of being strong - why do you need to be strong - when we are bereaved we aren't emotionally strong and I think you have buried your grief for so many years. It needs to be unearthed and you need to go through the hurt, anger, sadness etc that people go through when bereaved - this is the best way of coming through to some kind of acceptance for the loss, or at the very least, to make it more manageable. It's up to you of course but if you can afford it I would encourage you to find a good therapist who is experienced in bereavement work and get some much needed support for yourself.

If your daughter does get in touch in the future you will be more able to deal with the return of her if you have dealt with the loss.

Sending you good wishes.

Hi bm - Your story reminds me of a family I know. Perhaps it could add another perspective as to when/ if you talk to your boys?

Friend (male) had a dd by a one night stand when young and lost touch with her due to contact difficulties. He went on to marry and have a family of his own and never told his children about dd1. I think he just found it too difficult to explain. Dd1 traced him as an adult and they began to keep in touch by email. Perhaps inevitably friend's other (now teenage)children came across the emails and discovered their 'secret' sister by accident. It pushed everything out into the open and finally friend was able to talk openly about dd and meet her.

For his children though, finding out this way was traumatic and not ideal. They couldn't understand why they hadn't been told and I think perhaps felt a bit betrayed. I honestly think it would have been easier for everyone if the subject had been broached when they were much younger.

I know your situation is very different and only you know how your dss would react to your story but children do seem to have a fantastic ability to absorb information in a matter of fact way when young. Good luck whatever you decide

dearest birth mum,

You sound so level and you need to make level decisions, if you feel by having/making contact will help heal your heart and put your mind at peace then you have nothing to loose,maybe try writting to the adoptive parents first to see how much your/their daughter knows and take it from there,,I once listened to a man talk of a simular situation and eventaully he met his birth son and he said he saw how different thier lives were but it helped him to know he was ok, they speak on the phone regulary,he said their more like friends but he was happy to see him happy and that gave him peace and closure of not knowing,it always the not knowing that troubles us more and causes our minds to stray,I'd like to wish you all the luck .god bless.

My godmother had her birth daughter adopted at birth, and they have since been reunited, about 30 years later.

It was because the daughter hired a private investigator to find her (in the US). At the time, she had children of her own and felt that she needed to make sense of her own life or at least to be able to explain to her children where she came from.

It has been difficult at times as the adoptive mother felt almost betrayed as the daughter wanted to have a relationship with the birth mom, or at least get to know her. Although the relationship between my godmother and her biological daughter has been successful in that they are in contact with each other, it's quite complicated. It isn't along the same lines as a friend, as you don't have to worry about your friends meeting other friends and family. It isn't a long lost family member either.

It's a very unique relationship where both have decided, regardless of biology that they want to support each other. Quite amazing really. And think meeting each other, getting to know each other has been hugely beneficial for both. My godmother was always very anxious whether she did the right thing. (yes) Her daughter was always wondering whether it was for the right reasons (yes). Perhaps fast forward 20/30 years, my godmother would have been able to cope with a baby at university in a very Catholic family, but that was then.

But all due credit to the adoptive parents who were always upfront and honest with their daughter as to how she came into their lives.

I don't know how to find out whether your daughter knows that she was adopted. It would totally rock her world if she didn't know.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. But what a self less act, giving up a baby for adoption.

I'm so sad for you BM. I find it really distressing that the adoptive parents made you feel guilty about sending one little letter a YEAR. I can't think why they would be so selfish

My Mother is adopted and has serious issues about it. I think some contact from her Mother would have really helped her. She says she felt rejected twice.

For my part I only found out 7 months ago that she was adopted and it has really shaken my world. I think honesty is really the best option with ALL your DC's.

Also DH's cousin had a baby adopted 16 years ago and the whole family is waiting til he's 18 hoping he'll get in touch and he will be welcomed like we've never been apart. Maybe your DD feels this way and is really hoping you will make contact with her. One thing I will say is that I very much doubt you'll regret trying to contact her like you would regret never finding out how she was and how her life had been.

Birthmum I know this is an old thread and you may be are not checking it but in case you are I really wanted to get in touch.

We are right at the start of looking at adoption, which is why I am reading so many threads to try and get an idea of all the issues.

This thread has been so informative but has also been very sad to hear your story.

Lots of people have said lots of wise things and I would only want to echo that I think making contact with the adoption services to leave a letter and your contact details would be very helpful for your birth daughter and for you, that being honest (age-appropriately) with your sons would be helpful for the future and I really want to echo NanaNina advice to get some counselling/therapy just for you.

This is one area I can speak on and that is I have had counselling twice, once for anxiety many years ago and once a few years back for infertility related issues (both times through NHS, referred by GP). I can honestly say it was very helpful to me, it really helped, and I think it would help you to deal with any issues relating to telling sons whenever, for any possible meetings in future or contacted with your birth daughter (if that happens) and most of all for you. Not that it will make it all OK, in a glib sense, but that it will help you, perhaps give some peace and support.

My heart goes out to you, I really pray you will find peace and get some rest (yes, I am a bit of an insomniac as I am posting at 2.00 a.m.!) and I wanted to echo others words that you are brave and wonderful, please look after you.

birthmum I really hope you have found some peace since your last post.

You have been so brave. You sound such a lovely lady. I think you should try and trace you daughter. I believe it can only be in a child's best interests to have as much infomation about birth family as possible. I also believe you should tell you dc about their sister. It could be very distressing for them to find out later on.

My mum never knew who he natural father was and this has always distressed her. She is 77 now and while she accepts she will never know it is something she will always have deep regrets about.

I have a 3 year old adoptive daughter and we have direct contact with he birth mum twice a year. I always feel really sorry for her because she didn't want to give he daughter up and it must be incredibly difficult seeing your child calling another person mummy. But birth mum insists she wants to carry on because of her 7 children my daughter is the only one she sees. I feel that my daughter will grow up with no secets or unanswered questions about he life.

If you do come back please let us know how you are getting on.