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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

I'm their DAUGHTER.

67 replies

lostinwales · 01/10/2009 11:37

Hello, I'm new to MN and can't believe how many people there are out there who help each other, I have a simple rant question on adoption that has been bothering me for ages, does anyone else's blood boil when the see or hear the phrase 'adopted daughter' referring to someones child. I am adopted and would not like the word adopted infront of me, as as far as I feel I am truly and wholly the daughter of my parents not slightly removed as I feel the word adopted is used in the press. Aagh feel like I can't quite articulate how annoying and belittleing I find this, will calm down now and have a cup of tea.
PS don't even get me started on comedians who use 'you're adopted' as the end line of a joke WHY IS THAT FUNNY, sorry sorry may even start on an early glass of wine

OP posts:
Gigglymum · 01/10/2009 13:34

Hi, I have 3 children in my extended family that are adopted, and we never use the word adopted when talking about them, they know they are adopted and we know, no need for everyone to be told just makes them feel like they dont belong, well they do, as far as I am concerned they are my cousins, and they are loved just the same. They were bought into the family because they were wanted just like the arrival of any child into a family. I think that there is alot of smallminded people out there that like to point out these things as they dont understand. Its pure ignorance. As for comedians dont sweat it, they pick on everyone.

Original poster
lostinwales · 01/10/2009 13:39

Thank you giggly

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 01/10/2009 14:09

I have told my family that if anyone writes in my obituary "survived by her adopted son" then I am going to come back and haunt them. Even worse are the ones I read which say "survived by 2 daughters, one sone and an adopted daughter" like there's a hierarchy of chidlren!

I think its rare to hear it from people who have personal experince of adoption.

I must admit that it winds me up just as much - though comedians just make me wince a bit - I think that myou have to accept that some comedians will pick on anything outisde the norm for a laugh.

As an antidote...

My mother once commented on how my DS has my hair before looking a bit confused and then saying - "oh no he can't have"! If you look at my profile you'll see that not only does DS look nothing like me - he isn't even the same race

Original poster
lostinwales · 01/10/2009 14:45

Kewcumber your first paragraph sums up exactly what I was trying to say, thank-you. I will have to remember 'hierarchy of children'.
Dr Kewcumber is just beautiful. My sons look like a different race to me, they are tall, slim redheads, whilst I'm, well, think elves compared to a hobbitt .

OP posts:
listenglisten · 01/10/2009 14:49

Kewcumber your son is adorable. Was it you that posted a while ago about your journey to adopt him with some amazing pictures?

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 01/10/2009 14:51

Kewcumber, we have a male friend who is step father to a boy of 8, and he really does look like his step dad, who has been the only dad he has ever known. His mannerisms, his hair, every aspect of his personality, he is a real mini me. When people comment on the similarity he never explains, just says, 'yeah he is like me isn't he?'.

Original poster
lostinwales · 01/10/2009 15:02

Yes, now I re-read I realise I missed where I meant to say how similar to you he looks unlike my boys. People are always telling me how much I resemble my mum, and we do have exactly the same mannerisms. I'm a complete mix of the two of them which I love.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 01/10/2009 16:12

listenglisten - yes it probably was me - proabably my montage to celevrate our second family borhtday (now coming up to our thirs! where did the time go)

here

Campingqueen · 01/10/2009 16:17

I also hate when people use the word 'real' as in "Are you in touch with your real mum?" (Why do people feel they can be free with the intrusive question anyway

I am his real mum, I am not his biological mum, but I am his real mum.

elmofan · 01/10/2009 16:31

wow kewcumber just watched your video , your ds is soooooooooo cute , ahhhh

Beveridge · 01/10/2009 16:32

Oh yes, I can't stand this either - the "do you not want to find your real mum?" (I know where she is, she's the woman who brought me up) and the media throwing around the term 'adopted son/daughter' in relation to celebrities when when it's not a story about their children's adoption (such as Tom Cruise/Nicole Kidman's children - I have been so incensed by the implications I have often read that Suri/Sunday Rose are their first time as parents - subtext meaning proper parents. Their other 2 seem to get overlooked).

Families are made, not born.

JeminTheDungeon · 01/10/2009 16:35

Agree totally.

ilovesprouts · 01/10/2009 16:37

ive just watched it too so cute xxx

iMissEdith · 01/10/2009 16:44

I have no experience of adoption, no one is adopted or had a child who was adopted in extended family etc.

It pisses me right off. The Dail Wail never miss an opportunity to talk about Tom Cruise's/Nicole Kidman's adopted children - ditto Brangelina. Twattish journalism.

Not that I only read the DM for pointless sleb gossip of course. Oh no, wait, that's exactly what I do.

Ahem.

It's the most unnecessary adjective in 99% of its usage. I have been known to challenge it when I hear it.

maryz · 01/10/2009 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lostinwales · 01/10/2009 19:56

Wow, bless MN for giving me access to you lot, couldn't agree more with all of you. Cruise/Kidman and Brangelina makes me throw the paper everytime, and as for real mother, well honestly. Thanks you guys, it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 01/10/2009 20:02

My mum is my biological mother. My dad is my adoptive father. I hate anything which amkes a distinction between them - my mum and dad. And I really loathe my brother and sister being referred to as my 'half-siblings'. My PIL are particularly daft about it. Which means that DH and I can't really consider adding to our family this way.

Original poster
lostinwales · 01/10/2009 20:03

Maryz, I suppose we should just pity the people who can't understand that love as a family transcends DNA. Although I do have an adopted (said with a touch of irony I hope) cousin who said 'aren't blood relatives an amazing thing' after the birth of a mutual baby cousin. Still not sure if she was being thick or obtuse or if she had totally forgotten my lack of 'blood' relation to the rest of the family

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOneFartleBerry · 01/10/2009 20:09

surely an adopted child is more wanted than any other - as you fight like mad to have one?

My friend is going through the adoption process right now and it is heart brakeing watching her jump throuh the hoops - whilst the 15 year old girl at my nephew's school has got pregnant, and there are 2 possible fathers - but that is an entirely different rant.

Sorry

choosyfloosy · 01/10/2009 20:17

will butt in as i have a small story which nobody but me in my family seems to think is wrong - i have a feeling you guys will understand

was at a big family party several years ago - all relatives of 5 sisters born in the 1900s. A family tree was handed around. when i looked at in detail, it was headed 'Descendants of the XXXX sisters' and one of my cousins was NOT ON IT - guess why?

they had actually gone to the trouble of making this vast family tree and specifically missed him off it. words failed me then and now.

chegirl · 01/10/2009 20:22

I totally agree with you OP and I would never refer to my darling my as my Adopted son (unless it was in a specific context and never infront of him).

When I was pg with DS3 I found it upsetting that DS2 was not considered relevant because I had not given birth to him. He was not included on my records. My other chldren were and an early miscarriage but not my 6 year old .

I understand this if for medical reasons but its not exactly sensitive.

Also when my DS3 was born the midwives turned up and my house (homebirth) and had no clue who this little boy was!

One midwife told me that the other one had said to her later 'oh you couldnt tell he wasnt her real child could you'

OmicronPersei8 · 01/10/2009 20:23

choosyfloosy that's terrible! .

lumnag · 01/10/2009 20:31

So agree with all the above posters. My dc are a mix of adopted and not adopted.
Some people ,other mothers no less have spoken to me in front of my children.

"Which one is yours?"
Me, "they are all mine".
Then after a puzzled look ask
"I mean which one is your *real child?".
Me, "they are all my real children".

When they can't take the hint that this type of questioning in front of my DC is completely inappropriate will then go on to ask.

Which one did you give birth to/have/ is your real one?

Me, "gosh I can't remember".

My beloved 3 DC, looking up at me with a puzzled expression on their little faces.
I understand how some people have a genuine curiosity, but it is hard to understand how another mother could ask these questions in front of the DC.

lumnag · 01/10/2009 20:39

Will get the hang of these links and smileys one day

scattykatty · 01/10/2009 21:27

I have recently found out my Mother is adopted and I'm sad to say I've not felt the same way about my 'Grandparents' since. They are not my blood relations like I thought they were and I have not called them my 'Grandparents' since nor have I called my 'cousins' my cousins. I feel that out there somewhere are my 'real' relatives whom I am biologically related to. Maybe it's because I found out very late and it's all VERY raw but that's how I feel

Also, when I met my husband his mother very early on said he has 5 cousins and 2 adopted ones. The distinction is always made that they are different and I think that has made me see them differently. When I think of my DH's cousins I really only think of the ones he is actually related to as the rest of his family all make it clear that the other two are separate.

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