I'm their DAUGHTER.

[lostinwales]

Hello, I'm new to MN and can't believe how many people there are out there who help each other, I have a simple rant question on adoption that has been bothering me for ages, does anyone else's blood boil when the see or hear the phrase 'adopted daughter' referring to someones child. I am adopted and would not like the word adopted infront of me, as as far as I feel I am truly and wholly the daughter of my parents not slightly removed as I feel the word adopted is used in the press. Aagh feel like I can't quite articulate how annoying and belittleing I find this, will calm down now and have a cup of tea.
PS don't even get me started on comedians who use 'you're adopted' as the end line of a joke WHY IS THAT FUNNY, sorry sorry may even start on an early glass of wine

skattykatty, really, do tell us more.

Oh dear scatty, I'm so sorry that you feel so raw about this, I will say that however probably all adopted people feel this way from time to time, however much we adore our true families. Just try to remember the love your grandparents had for you all that time, which is more important than any biological tie. My parents are the people who were there when I was sick all night through the years, who trailed an ambulance with their hearts in their mouths when I was one, and my grandparents are the people who played with me and cared for me, not strangers I've never met. I'm glad that I've always known and make it clear to my boys that whilst I grew them in my tummy, granny couldn't grow me in hers but that doesn't mean she's not my mummy. They're too young to understand but I'm hoping it will make everything seem natural when they do. I hope reading this thread helps you understand adoption and acceptance a bit more. Keep chatting and hopefuly we can help you understand, coming to this late must be very disorientating. Don't give up the love of a family you have, they won't be giving you up either.

I was in the kitchen with my 'GM' in July and I asked how old she was when she had my Mother as it was my Mother's birthday and I was wondering.

She turned around and said she wouldn't know as my Mother was adopted and by Uncle (born 11 months) later was her first child.

She said she didn't think she could have DC's so adopted her husbands sisters child (no idea who the father is ) then she got pg and had my uncle then my aunt

Therefore all my cousins are really her DGC's but I and my sis are not related to her at all

Her husband, my fake GF, died before I was born so I don't care at all that he was really my Great Uncle. But TBH I am heartbroken she is not my GM, I feel sick everytime I think about it.

My mother has known since she was 5 but never told my sis and I. I feel this is sooooo late to find out, if I had known as a child I would have accpeted it, but now I feel I have been lied to and all my 'cousins' know and I feel I was tricked into thinking they were something they weren't.

Sorry the typing is terrible I don't really talk about this, even to my DH, because it hurts, it hurts so much that she isn't my GM. I feel a physical pain when I think about it. I feel like my Grandmother has died and I have nothing left. I adore her but she admitted she sees my sis and I differently from my cousins

My mother has ALWAYS known, she says she feels different from her sis that my GM made the difference clear. But my GM says she didn't and my Mother is very lax with the truth

I 100% no longer feel she is my Grandmother, I feel that has been destroyed for ever. If I had known I could have built and honest relationship with her, now I feel it was based it me thinking I was 1/4 French and had a high risk of breatcancer (she nearly died from it) when in fact that wasn't true!

My mum frequently comments on how dd is just like me with skin allergies, and clingy just like I was blahblah
Very amusing to us, because she does forget then giggle
DD is a surrogate baby, so biologically dh's and my friends.

No, I asked her and she said that my cousins are her blood grandchildren 'which is different'! If you saw her house you'd know... 50 photos of my cousins, 3 of my sis and I!

She is 83 and TBH I don't think she meant to tell me it just slipped out! I had to sit in DS's room and cry quietly for half and hour while my DH entertained her and my mother downstairs (he was shocked to say the least!)

I told her I was really hurt but she said it was what it was.

My sister says she doesn't care, that she didn't like them anyway! so is quite relieved that are not really related to her

I don't think my GM would have had my mother had she known she could have children but she did her best anyway, I mean how many people would take on their DH's sisters baby when she didn't know who the Father was!? I'm not sure I'd want to!

I can't help my think (hideous I know) that when she dies I'll feel like a total fraud crying with my cousins as they have lost their GM I have only lost my Great Uncles -Ex wife

DH thinks I just need time, but I don't think I'll ever feel the same, the shock, the lies, the hurt are too much for it to go back

my mother would be devastated if DS believed she felt less for him than her other grandchildren. Not that its likely as she adores the pants off him.

INterestingly my grandmother adopted her sisters child 55 years ago (father also unknown) and my granmother never had a great relationship with my Aunt and in fact they were estranged for 20 years. My grandfatehr however stayed in touch with her secretly all that time and adored her.

This difference isn't really down to the adoption but the fact that my grandmother is a rather cold, unempathetic woman. Despite that, I do care for her though I accept that she doesn;t (probably feel the same about the rest of us, except my dad which is whole other long story!). Her inability to bond normally with most of her family is I'm convinced down to an odd wiring in her brain. That I love her despite that shows I have a fairly normally capacity to bond whereas she doesn't so I don't stress too much about it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the "norm" is to bond with people that you spend your life with (whether they share your genes or not) though sadly of course it isn't inevitable that everyone will conform to that norm.

Mostly people who think that it feels different adopted vs not adopted don't have any experience of either adopting or being adopted. Their views are coloured by the intense love they have for their child and that they just can't imagine feeling that way about any other child. They just don't understand.

No-one has an issue with the idea of a life-long passionate devotion to a husband or wife who you didn't give birth to and no-one questions why siblings love each other despite the fact that they didn't give birth to each other and in fact could potentially share as many genes ("blood" is irrelevant its genes that count!) with cousins they see every 10 years and have little love for and nothing in common.

I don't dismiss the fact that adoption comes with many potential issues for the adoptee and their family but that doesn't make their family any less their family (IYSWIM).

Your situation scatty is the perfect example of why current adoption practice is to make sure children know virtually from birth about their adoption. Evidence shows that children who have always known (in fact who cant even remember when they were first told) handle the difficult issues they have to come to terms with much better than those who find out later.

SHe is still your grandmother, nothing can change that now, what you have very brutally had to deal with is that she isn't the perfect grandmother you thought she was. Some people are pretty rubbish - my Dad is a complete dickhead (excuse language) and has behaved far worse to me than your grandmother has to you. And sadly (unlike your sister) I have to accept that 50% of my DNA is his!

I agree that you should try to find someone independent to talk to about this - your GP may have a councellor attached to the practice you can talk to.

Skatty: sorry you are feeling so bad about this. It is horrible to find out something as important as this when you are an adult.

Your situation has actually given me a little bit of a jolt, though, as I was adopted as a baby and my DS is currently a bit obsessed with where babies come from, and said to me the other day '..and you grew in Nana's tummy' - which means I had better introduce the topic of adoption and not all babies growing in their mummies' tummies fairly soon.

There's poem (don't know the author) that my mother once wrote in a card to me which I think says it all about adopting DC though...

Poem For An Adopted Daughter.
Not flesh of my flesh
Not bone of my bone
But still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it

SGB you've posted that poem before, and it never fails to bring a tear to my eye. My dad was adopted, his parents loved him so much, when he married it extended to my mum and then to us. In fact, my mum's parents were so cold/toxic, she's asked for her ashes to be scattered on my paternal grandmother's grave, because she always loved and accepted my mum.

scatty, it's awful when families make distinction like this, whatever the reason.

Solid thatnks for that. Honestly I cannot stress to you enough how much better it'll be if you tell your DS now that you were adopted. I think I would have been fine had a known when I was a child as I do know plenty of adopted people so it would have not seemed odd really. However, I found out as an adult when you have already built all your family realtionships so it came as a MASSIVE shock and the fact all my cousins/aunts/uncles knew and my sis and I didn't made it a lot harder to deal with as we do feel we were lied to.

I know that my real/birth GM is dead and the Father was unknown so I don't feel I have gained some wonderful other family from finding out as some people I know felt, only that I have lost what I thought I already had.

Something like this in your twenties really shakes the core of who you thought you were IMO, where as a child doesn't yet know who they are and so built a realationship knowing it's not the same as everyone else, but loving that person anyway.

My thing now is that I'm confused how I really feel. Do I adore my GM because people have always said how alike we are, how we have the same eyes etc and because I thought she was my GM, do I actually like her for who she is? If I had known would my relationship have been as strong knowing that really we were not related.

scatty I think your story is very sad.

I adopted my DH's sister's, daughter's child without knowing who the father was.

When I did that I did it knowing that we had a responsibility to love and cherish this child as if I had given birth to him. And we do, no question. It wasnt difficult.

I would challenge anyone to know which of my children are adopted just from seeing us together.

If my darling boy grew up feeling he was treated or loved differently/less from my other children I would be devastated and feel dreadfully guility.

It would be my fault and no one elses.

I know that I cannot stop my child from growing up feeling that a piece of him is missing or that he doesnt feel the same as my others, that can be the nature of adoption. But to feel less loved or less special? That is down to me and my OH.

Yes, it does catch my eye.

It really pissed me off when tom cruise had suri and they went on about it like it was his firt child. i think some papers even said that it was his first child.

I was adopted and agree 100% lostinwales and with so many others.

Kewcumber - one of my friends insists that ds2 is a mini me of my dad and she's right! I share many traits with my mom and my brother and I (he was also adopted) looked very alike as children.

And Beveridge - I too hate the 'do you know where you real mum is?' (yes, at home with my dad)

Just want to add one (tho it might have been mentioned already) - I always say I WAS adopted not I AM. Since it's no longer part of my life IYSWIM, I like to use the past tense...

"I always say I WAS adopted not I AM. Since it's no longer part of my life IYSWIM, I like to use the past tense"

INteresting, I use the past tense too becasue while I understand DS may have continuing issues with his adoption (who knows he's too young at the moment and said to me this evening as he was going to sleep "you are a bery good mummy"! So far, so good!) but to outsiders he was adopted in the same way as otehrs were born into a family - they are currently born.

One line I've prepared but never been brave to use...

"is that your adopted son?"
"Yes, is that your vaginally delivered daughter?"... but one day... one day

kewcumber just watched your montage, beautiful. i was just thinking how lovely and happy you both looked, then the bit at the end... got to the third child and the tears were rolling. cant imagine the strength you need to do that.

re-'adopted children' that bugs me too, my daughter (biological) is mixed race and people find it appropriate to ask 'is she yours'? with a surprised look on their face

rach x

Kewcumber - sorry you dont know me, but, while looking thru threads from the past 24hrs I came across this one.

Thank you for sharing the lovely video of your beautiful son, a very special time for you all.

With regards to adoption, the only experience I have is I found out only a few years ago that 4 cousins (2 different families) were adopted into the family. This was 50+ years ago so was never mentioned, they were just accepted into the family as if their mum had given birth to them.

Another expression commonly used is "step children", my mother always said she didn't have step grand children in the family, if they are in, they belong and we always stuck to that. The grand children went from 1 to 5 overnight

tahnk you for the kind words - yes one of the hardest things about the trip was the children we left behind. I thought I would selfishly only be interested in MY baby and would walk away quite happily form the others but I spent 50 days visiting DS every day twice a day and you would have to have a heart of stone to walk away from those children after that.

In addition to keeping in touch with the other children who were adotped at the same time as DS, I was delighted to discover that one of the boys same age as DS was subsequently adopted about 3 months after we left and I have been able to send his new paretns some photos of him before they met him which was nice as generally most adoptive parents have no photos prior to when they met.

kewcumber PLEASE say the "is that your vaginally delivered daughter" line next time, have been chuckling to myself since I first read it.

I've been sitting here in tears watching your montage, Kew. What a lovely thing to show him when he's older. And he is lovely, although not as lovely as mine, of course

I was reading "Singapore Women's Weekly" in the hairdressers the other day and they had a feature about celebrity dads. It said "Brad is father to......." and "Tom is father to....." and just put the kids' names with no distinction. I was so pleased I nearly wrote in.