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Original poster

why do i feel so awful?

53 replies

icantexplainhowifeel · 17/07/2009 21:41

Have namechanged for this post so promise not trolling.

We have one lovely DD who we adopted five years ago when she was 2.

We were aware that BM was pregnant again with a full sibling and baby has now been born. We were approached by the VA that we adopted through as is procedure to ask whether we would consider having the new baby placed with us for permanency.

We have broken our hearts trying to decide what to do and at the end of all the thinking decided that it really wasn't the right thing for DD or us as a family unit.

The baby was born last week and I had hoped and prayed it would be a boy. I know that probably makes no sense but it just seemed easier to accept. But of course it is a little girl who is going into foster care until decisions are made about her future.

So why do I feel so bad? My head knows I have made the right decision but I feel that I am rejecting part of my daughter if that makes any sense . It feels like a bereavement.

OP posts:
HorsechestnutBlossom · 17/07/2009 21:43

Can you change your mind?

Original poster
icantexplainhowifeel · 17/07/2009 21:48

Yes we have been told that we can go back to them if we would like to. The thing is I don't think we have changed our minds but just feel so bad for saying no. Does that make any sense?

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 17/07/2009 21:50

What a terrible decision to have to make

Having never been in anything like your position I may be very wide of the mark with my thoughts and I appologise in advance if I am.

I think you have to make decisions based on your current family unit, the best for them both now and in the future. IF your feeling is that this decision is the right one then there is little more you can do and you need to work hard at accepting it and not letting your (understandable) guilt feelings taint your happiness with your own family.

My concerns in this situation (I think) would be that your daughter could find out later that you could have helped her sister and feel that you should have made a different decision. However I don't think you can realisitcally make a decision on ifs buts and maybes, your daughter may also feel that you have made the right decision.

Gosh, I cannot think of anything to say to help you feel better about your situation, you have my complete sympathy though, I cannot imagine how I would feel in the same situation

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 17/07/2009 21:51

Do you just want one child full stop or not one now, not this one?

Original poster
icantexplainhowifeel · 17/07/2009 21:55

we had always decided to have one so that we could give her all our time, attention and love. And she is thriving.

And although we had never planned to do it again if we we were going to it would have been with a smaller age gap so that DD could bond quickly with another child rather than a baby.

It also seems unfair to do it because we feel we should rather than want to. The new baby deserves 110% from a lovely parent(s) who have chosen to adopt at this time.

Also there may be another and another......

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 17/07/2009 21:57

I was only having the one.

I now have three.

I want to say, take this baby and give her all the love you have given your daughter and think how amazing it will be for her to know she has a blood tie too, but I can't.

Make your decision and then don't beat yourself up about it.

Original poster
icantexplainhowifeel · 17/07/2009 22:00

Thing is I don't want her to hate me for not doing it.....

I truly appreciate your thoughts folks.

thank you

OP posts:
dollius · 17/07/2009 22:03

Completely agree with Fabby. I want to say take the baby - you could be giving your DD an amazing gift - a full sibling, but you are right. If you feel you are not the best parents for this baby, then don't.

What's crucial is that you should not feel guilty about what you decide. Your duty is to do what you consider best for YOUR dd, and it sounds like that is what you are doing.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 17/07/2009 22:03

Just makes me think that kids will hate their mums no matter what they do.

I don't mean to be flippant - just don't worry too much about things you don't really have any control over.

You have to want the baby for her, for you and for your daughter. If not all three then be happy you have made the right decision for the family you have now, not the one you might have.

If you had a call now to say she had been placed - how would you feel?

MollieOolala · 17/07/2009 22:05

Can't help you make your decision but I do remember when I was 7 one of my best friend's mum had a baby (half brother of my best friend) and we were all really envious of her having a little brother.

However you make your decision I don't think the age gap should be an overriding concern.

Original poster
icantexplainhowifeel · 17/07/2009 22:06

Happy that she was safe and loved. DD had such a bad start to life as she stayed with BPs for the first year of her life and I was more upset that it might happen to another child if the baby was left with them.

There are just feelings coming to the surface that I thought were long dealt with about having the opportunity to have a baby as opposed to a toddler, and feel like I am grieving more for my lack of ability to have my own more now than ever.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 17/07/2009 22:10

The fact is that a baby who comes up for adoption is likely to get a great placement in next to now time and should have a set of paretns who can be for her what you have been for your daughter. You did not decide to bring this new child into the world, you did not want or ask for another child and you are not responsible for her simply because of a blood connection to your daughter. I totally understand why you feel the way you do but it is not actually your job to make everything ok for this new child, much as I am sure you wish you could.

Like I said before, all you can do is your best given what you have right now. If you really feel that your daughter being an only is the right thing then you have to stick by that and go through the grief you are feeling to come out the other side and get on with being great parents to your daughter.

hester · 17/07/2009 22:11

This is really, really hard - I do feel for you.

You have to make the best decision for your family, of course. Is there anyone around who can help you get more resolved with this - the post-adoption service?

One thing worth being aware of: this may not be the last child. I met a couple who adopted two siblings, then two years later were offered the newborn biological sibling. After much agonising, they decided they really couldn't take this on and said no - but felt terribly guilty. The next year, the biological mother had another child, and the year after that...

They really couldn't have taken all the children, and this helped them resolve their guilt that they said no when they reached the limit of what they could comfortably manage.

Original poster
icantexplainhowifeel · 17/07/2009 22:14

I fully believe that BM will be pregnant again by the end of the year. Since having DD she has had four other pregnancies but til now the others have been terminated.

OP posts:
HorsechestnutBlossom · 17/07/2009 22:24

I know I may be sticking my foot right in it but you have posted on here....

I think you should take the baby. You can give her 110% too but I know you won't think so. It would be better for both because you are an excellent mum and your dd would have a proper sister.

So sorry for rocking the boat but please please please change your mind and take the baby!

Original poster
icantexplainhowifeel · 17/07/2009 22:29

Of course you are not sticking your foot in . Thing is that we could give the new baby 110% but DD will be the one who will lose out as a result. And she has worked so hard to get to where she is I have an awful fear it would knock her right back

OP posts:
chegirl · 17/07/2009 22:29

This is a very difficult situation and its not an uncommon dilemma.

You have to do what is right for your family. KingCanute is right. This new baby will have have no problem getting placed (unless she has obvious problems). She will go to the top of the list.

You are also right that b.mum could go on having babies for many years and you cannot take them all.

Would you consider contact options? Can you discuss letterbox or face to face with the LA? It could be part of the matching requirements. You DS will know about his sis and may even get to meet her.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. We had the opposite problem. Two years after our adoption went through b.mum (our neice) had another child. We were fully expecting the phone call but ss did not do a full assesment and the child is still with b.mum. Knowing what I know (and its a lot) I feel desperate for that child. One day ss may have to step in but by that time the child will be throughly indoctrinated against us so it would probably be impossible to take her.

Please dont feel guilty about this. This is not a 'problem' of your making. I hope you can come to some sort of contact arrangement though. I do feel that is very important.

cissycharlton · 17/07/2009 22:29

Lots of mums worry that they may not be able to love their second child as much as their first, but most of the time those feelingsa disappear the moment they see their new child. Perhaps you are having these entirely normal feelings? Give yourslf some time too see if your feelings change.

Feelingforty · 17/07/2009 22:30

just offering something as I'm an only child & I would have loved a little sister. Not trying to do the guilt trip here of course, but I do think having a sibling is better for life's ups & downs.

Have you spoken to your DD about having a sibling ? Might be worth asking her opinion.

Difficult call...

Original poster
icantexplainhowifeel · 17/07/2009 22:35

feelingforty - we have tried to have a general conversation with her about babies but refuses to go there. In fact she only wants a rabbit!

chegirl - we have already expressed a great desire to do adopter to adopter contact if the baby is placed elsewhere.

OP posts:
HorsechestnutBlossom · 17/07/2009 22:38

At 7 years old is your dd showing any maternal signs eg playing with baby dolls, wanting a pet etc?

You sound absolutely brilliant and as long as this lo gets adopted quickly and not left languishing in foster care then things will be fine I'm sure.

But why the guilt? Unless there is a glimmer that you may be making a mistake?

Oh please take the baby if there is the smallest of glimmers!

Original poster
icantexplainhowifeel · 17/07/2009 22:39

thank you all again - off to bed to try sleeping. not been much this week. Take care and thank you.

OP posts:
HorsechestnutBlossom · 17/07/2009 22:40

Take the baby

OnceWasSquiffy · 17/07/2009 22:47

Friends of mine went through the usual agonisingingly long process of adoption and expected a toddler, but then a newborn came out of nowhere and - 2 years on - they still cannot believe their luck, and their DD is the most precious thing in the whole world to them. Just as your DD is to you.

This new baby will be loved and adored. Either by you or by another family. So you can rest your mind about that and try to focus on what is best for you and your family unit.

madameDefarge · 17/07/2009 23:04

Would it help you at all if you went to see the baby in foster care? Your gut feelings might kick in then, one way or the other.

Just an idea.

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