why do i feel so awful?

[icantexplainhowifeel]

Have namechanged for this post so promise not trolling.

We have one lovely DD who we adopted five years ago when she was 2.

We were aware that BM was pregnant again with a full sibling and baby has now been born. We were approached by the VA that we adopted through as is procedure to ask whether we would consider having the new baby placed with us for permanency.

We have broken our hearts trying to decide what to do and at the end of all the thinking decided that it really wasn't the right thing for DD or us as a family unit.

The baby was born last week and I had hoped and prayed it would be a boy. I know that probably makes no sense but it just seemed easier to accept. But of course it is a little girl who is going into foster care until decisions are made about her future.

So why do I feel so bad? My head knows I have made the right decision but I feel that I am rejecting part of my daughter if that makes any sense . It feels like a bereavement.

its more complex that that though because:

this is probably the only chance her DD will have of a sibling

its probably the only chance she will have of being raised with someone who is biologically related to her. and yes, it DOES matter for many people

its a chance for the OP to parent a young baby, which she has never had

there may be factors in the family background which mean that this new baby is more at risk or having special needs than the Op's DD eg if BM is an addict

because the child is adopted , SS will have "requirements" that may affect the OPs work situation and family finances. eg they may insist that she stop work for several years

in all these ways its different from a family deciding to have / not to have another bio child

icantexplainhowifeel - please take up the offer of counselling, this is a hard decision to make

The dilemna could complicate further if the OP does adopt this second child would be..what if the bm has another child....where would this stop.

What an awful situation to be in.

We took the second baby. Originally my husband was against having another baby from the same family because of the problems we had originally. But we took her and it was the best thing we ever did. She is so different from her sister. The older has many problems but the younger is so happy and bright. She is such a great sister and they love each other so much. It has made my older daughters life so much better as the bond between them is so strong. If or when we die we know that they will have each other and that they will be able to support each other.

I notice that your dd was two when she was adopted, did she come with complex problems due to neglect or was she well looked after. I think this would be a similar situation to us, but taking on a very young baby we didn't have the same problems the second time. My DD2 bonded so quickly and is very secure, in fact as a tiny baby I would place her on my tummy and she would crawl up to my face to be closer to me.

I became pregnant before we adopted DD2 and was quite upset as I too thought I wouldn't be able to give DD1 the love she needed if there was another baby around. I had a miscarage so didn't have to deal with the feelings for too long. It was a few years later that we adopted DD2.

Maybe you just don't feel ready but do look at all the advantages of taking on a sister again before saying no. Also I am just curious to find out what you feel you won't be able to give to your daughter if there is another baby around.