why do i feel so awful?

[icantexplainhowifeel]

Have namechanged for this post so promise not trolling.

We have one lovely DD who we adopted five years ago when she was 2.

We were aware that BM was pregnant again with a full sibling and baby has now been born. We were approached by the VA that we adopted through as is procedure to ask whether we would consider having the new baby placed with us for permanency.

We have broken our hearts trying to decide what to do and at the end of all the thinking decided that it really wasn't the right thing for DD or us as a family unit.

The baby was born last week and I had hoped and prayed it would be a boy. I know that probably makes no sense but it just seemed easier to accept. But of course it is a little girl who is going into foster care until decisions are made about her future.

So why do I feel so bad? My head knows I have made the right decision but I feel that I am rejecting part of my daughter if that makes any sense . It feels like a bereavement.

I don't think we should put pressure on the OP to take the baby. It sounds as though she has serious concerns about how this will impact on dd.

OP, have you considered talking it through with the post-adoption service?

Agree with Hester.

This is far more complicated than having a new birth child when you already have a birth child IYSWIM.

More things to consider. New baby could have different b.father. This would mean possible contacts with b.father, b.grandparents and other siblings. Baby could have been exposed to all kinds of stuff in utero. OP's DD may find it more difficult to adjust to such a major chance in family dynamics, more so than a birth child.

And adoption is a stressful business even a fairly straight forward one. There could be all kinds of ups and downs before it comes to pass. Relatives can step in and hold up proceedings, court cases can go wrong, sw make mistakes.

All that uncertainty could be very difficult for DD to handle.

But it could work out beautifully. Its not as simple as it first appears.

Do you plan to ever tell your daughter you were offered the chance to take this baby?

How are you feeling this morning?

If you don't take the baby, then I wouldn't ever tell your dd you had the chance. It's one thing to discover or know you have a birth sibling, quite another to know your parents had the chance to take her and turned it down.

I am NOT trying to guilt trip you, you can't take this baby if you don't want her and don't think it would be good for your family. But spare dd the knowledge that you had the chance. Adopter to adopter contact sounds really good.

great posts here, esp from chegirl and maryz

i hope you can be at peace with your decision

i agree it is natural to feel you have one and could never love another.

however if you did take the lo and she had some sort of problems could you come to terms with that or would you feel "i knew i shouldnt"

only a decision you can make,

oh, how awful for you - i feel quite cross on your behalf that you have been put in this position. Surely social services or whoever deals with adoptions have a policy on this, as in - make bloody sure they know what the family would want to do should this situation arise. I'm sure this isn't the first time this would happen. For some families i imagine that its great, for others like yourself the emotional pressure is a real negative.

I do understand how you feel, the only thing is that are you sure its not just that natural feelings that mums get when they find they are expecting a second child - it happened to me, i felt soooo guilty when i found out i was having DD2. This is compounded by the fact that DD1 is not my partners natural child and my DD1 was 15 when i got pregnant. I would like to say that yeah,it all worked out for the best, but actually there were some serious issues of jealousy and DD1 feeling pushed out. That i think was due to her age and other circs. I never thought i would have another child, of course now that i have DD2, i wouldnt be without either of them.

like you say, it is highly likely that this woman will go on to have more children so what happens then? I think that there should be agreements with adoptive parents whenever they take their first child re siblings. That way, if you had made it clear that you were not going to have another child then the fact of the childs birth need never have been revealed to you.

FWIW, as much as my instinct was "take the baby, take the baby", on reflection, i feel you are making the right decision.

I like the idea of adopter-adopter contact if thats possible.

Can i just add that i think you are amazing, i am in awe of people who can adopt and give love to a child like you have.

I am wondering if contact would actually be harder. What if you feel you are missing out or it isn't enough?

What if your daughter wanted more?

It is a really hard situation but I honestly feel it has to be all or nothing.

jesus, i am crying here at the thoughts of such a decision.I had DD1 on her own for almost 13years and couldn't imagine having another, She couldn't either and liked it just being us-since then i've had another baby and i can honestly say my girls love eachother, i love them differently but equally despite my reservations about being able to parent again.
Do you know what your actual reservations are?
I know you think there'll be another baby by the end of the year but if you had a chance to give your DD a sister to share not only an upbringing and past with you and therefore memories when they are old and grey,but also someone to accompany her on the trauma and voyage into her/their past then maybe you should re-consider?

icant, I don't know if it's any help to you but I had a major wibbly attack before we adopted DD as DS was going though an upset and having to change schools at the time. Obviously I blurted the whole thing out onto MN here. It is different to your situation as we had always planned to have two, but after an initial bout of sibling rivalry both children seem happy with the family as it is and DH and I adore them both. It is true though that DS doesn't get as much attention as he used to and we make a special effort for him to get one to one attention from each of us.

I do sort of know how you feel though as I am currently very undecided and conflicted about DD's newborn sibling. It hasn't been decided yet whether they will place her for adoption, it's possible that she may go back to birth mum or to another member of her birth family. One of my many reservations is that DS may feel a bit pushed out by having two younger sisters who are full siblings and very close to each other in age (15 months apart). I'm going to wait to see what Social Services plan and if she going to be adopted I will then come back to the adoption board and throw a full-scale wobbly and rely on the sage advice here to calm me back down.

Children who have a little sibling often become very thoughtful and loving towards others in a way that is beautiful and natural. It is also hard on you to have been offered and your dd will find out herself from ss you were given first refusal.

Could you live with that if she turns on you for not taking her?

Sorry for this as I know it's not your fault you were put in this position.

Only you can determine what is right for your family. I have two anecdotes to share though.

I have a friend who has 2 adopted DDs (adopted at about 1 year old each) by the same BM and was offered to adopt a third infant of the same BM. She and her DH felt their family was complete and didn't. However, she has been in touch with the adoptive parents of the third child and they have even visited each other so the children are aware. It is working really well for them this way.

I am raising two DSSs (12 and 13) since they were small. DH and I have had two more DDs. Both DSs have attachment problems but we are working on them. It is very difficult to have younger siblings in a home where there are attachment problems. Their BM has had two more DC since them, and has abandoned both. One has been adopted and we have letterbox contact and the other is being raised by their older brother and his partner -- we see them regularly. I believe our DSs understand why we couldn't take them on and have never questioned us about it at all. They are looking forward to hopefully meeting their adopted sibling when she is of age, but I am sure they will not hold it against us that we didn't step in to raise either child ourselves (although we have looked after the youngest sibling for a period of time).

Just wanted to add I think you are doing an absolutely FABULOUS job to give these children a loving home when we all know the outcomes for such children left in care or with unsuitable birth families are so so bleak.

I would love to foster/adopt too but my dh does not want to and have 4 of my own. However will hopefully do something when dc are older (SS say mine are too young at present)

Big hugs for all of you xxxx

What a hard decision to have to consider. The positives of adopting sibling IMHO are:

sibling to share the rejection of bp

sibling to share their adult lifes with when you are gone

sibling to realise the world doesn't just revolve them, you can be horrid to siblings as well parents and they still love you.

sibling that they will look like

there are so many but if you don't feel it's right then you've made the correct choice for your family unit. Most parents feel panick at the thought of loving another and their pfb missing out etc, that is a very normal fear!

Really really hard, and only you know your dd's needs. But another child is someone in the family who will adore her, and who she can adore (in between the fighting) so there might be a lot for her to gain as well.

There's normally always a love/hate relationship between siblings and if there are attachment issues then it may make it easier for there to be a bond between the 2 of them that no one else shares.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and stories with me.

Today I just feel awful. Really awful. And I think DD senses (as they do) that Mummy is struggling with something and is very clingy.

We have been offered a chance to talk through with a neutral organisation and think that I may well take up the offer.

As for visiting the baby in foster care don't think that we will be allowed to sadly.

I know for certain that there are families waiting who will welcome this new arrival and make her the centre of their world as we did with DD. And that is what helps at the moment. Another childless person/people will have the joy that we have.

Yes

talking to a neutral organisation sounds like a very good offer to take up.

Hope it all works out for the best x

'Children who have a little sibling often become very thoughtful and loving towards others in a way that is beautiful and natural' This is equally true of children without siblings. I am one of 4, none of us particularly known for being thoughtful and loving. My adopted -and only- DD otoh is very thoughtful and caring

'and if there are attachment issues then it may make it easier for there to be a bond between the 2 of them that no one else shares'. ??? Attachment issues are a complicated medical issue based on a child's difficult early experiences and nothing to do with a feeling of only belonging to someone who shares the same biological heritage. The presence of a biological sibling will not 'solve' attachment issues.

'your dd will find out herself from ss you were given first refusal' Really, how?

Icantexplain, I hope you can make an decision about this based on what is best for you and your family dynamics and not on a feeling of guilt.

maryz is so right when she says any decision you make now could be the right one or the wrong one. You can only do what you feel is right now. The one sure thing about this situation is that the baby will be adopted by a couple who love her.

Sorry,should have said the baby will be adopted by someone who will love her ( be that a man, woman or a couple)

"I can't", don't beat yourself up - you are not the BM's guilt-free way out for having babies that she clearly can't/doesn't want to cope with.

If you are happy with your family unit, then stick with your decision. If you are struggling to know what to do, then seek whatever help is available to you.

These children she is having won't feel mad at you, why should they? they will direct any bitterness they may have I expect, to their BM.

You have saved a child. The BM is the one forsaking them.

Oh how tough.

If you don't want the child you don't want her - if you take her because you believe that you have a duty to you will always resent her and you won't be her perfect mother.

But that said, you don't disappoint an older sibling by giving them a sibling. You need to consider how much you'll be giving her by giving her a sibling, it is a different concept to what you planned but that's the thing with families they ar enot predictable.

I personally don't understand the we need to devote our attention to one child concept. Many many families have more than 1 child and cope, manage, feel it is complete. But that's my problem and not yours. If you don't want this child don't have her.