Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

A pregnancy following a recent adoption

83 replies

brainmish · 15/01/2009 22:24

OK- deep breath
We have recently adopted a 12 month old child. We are delighted with him and he is doing really well. Obviously I was so happy to have such a joy in our lives that,after years and years of infertility I got pregnant spontaneously the month he arrived with us. . I am still adjusting to the shock and trying to focus(through the fuzz of early pregnancy exhaustion) on our new delightful toddler. I have told very few people that I am pregnant. Fellow adopters will, I think, understand that I had reached a state of mind where adoption was THE way to have a child and had stopped feeling the constant pain of a lack of biological child. So I am finding the adjustment quite a challenge along with the decisions on ante-natal diagnosis etc.
For me there are so many issues but I would love to know if there is anyone else out there who has had a birth child soon after adopting a young child.
Thanks

OP posts:

PheasantPlucker · 18/01/2009 15:19

Brainmish, having seen that you have not formally adopted your new ds, I can only echo KristinaM's comments. Potentially the situation that was agreed prior to your ds having been placed with you has changed, and it could be seen by the SW that a reassessment is necessary. (In between had dd2 placed with us and formally adopting her we moved house. The SW came over on the day after we moved to assess house, and ensure all was safe for her. The report was then kept on file, and could have made a difference to dd2 staying with us, according to the SW)

When we were training, and between having dd2 placed with us and then formally adopting her we had to swear in blood (well, not quite.....) that we would always use contraception and I would never attempt to become pregnant. Now I know that any contraception can fail, but it was made very clear to us that any change in our situation would result in reassessments taking place, and that in our our particular situation a pregnancy would not be seen as good news by Social Services.

I am not trying to be negative or to upset you - I just think you need to get some advice as to your position at the moment, and to do it soon.

My very best wishes to you, and I hope things are OK with you. x

KewcumbersRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 18/01/2009 20:26

sorry but I'd echo what Kristina and PP have said. I would be very concerned about SW's reaction. I had a very tough "no pregnancy" talk from my sw before travelling to meet DS.

KristinaM · 19/01/2009 10:49

brainmish - please tell me that you have got some legal advice????? I woke in the night worrying about you

PheasantPlucker · 19/01/2009 12:28

Can you call BAAF anonymously to get advice?

MrsMattie · 19/01/2009 12:31

My aunty found out she was 4 months pregnant 2 months after adopting her DD1. She had been trying for a child for 16 years! They are adults now and as close as close can be. My aunty said it was the best thing that ever happened to her (adopting her DD1 and having her DD2).

KristinaM · 19/01/2009 14:26

MrsMattie - it woudl be Ok if the OP had actually adopted her DS. But he is fostered and only placed a few montsh ago so there is a risk that the LA might remove him

MrsMattie · 19/01/2009 14:51

Oh, sorry, I missed that!

Well not much you can do other than come clean, is there? Sorry, must be very difficult.

KristinaM · 19/01/2009 21:20

Hi brainmish,

i see on your other thread ( due July 2009) that you are concerned about the results of your ante natal tests but you also say that you have not yet told any health care professionals about your pregnancy. I am a bit confused .......

you are also asking "We would be really helped by anyone who knows more about the rules social workers apply when assessing for adoption following pregnancy ending in misscarriage."

Original poster

brainmish · 19/01/2009 21:31

I am going to try and get some confidential advice. I know our legal position is weak but we have done nothing wrong and our child is well and bonding really well.
I, too am losing sleep about it. I hope to get advice from a social worker later this week. Confidential advice.Thansk for the advice to try BAAF.
Until KRistinaM mentioned this adoption it had not occurred to us that it would affect it at all. Naive I know but we were dealing with our concerns about whether the pregnancy would continue or not. Now at 12 weeks it seems more likely it will continue and therefore different issues have arisen.

When I said I had not consulted health professionals i meant not via our GP- we had a private scan last week. The whole thing still feels unreal and I cannot talk about it with anyone.
Thansk to everyone for replying and I will update according to what the social worker says.

OP posts:

KristinaM · 19/01/2009 21:58

OK - reading between the lines i think you were hoping to conceal this pg in case you had a mc.however, as you are now about 12+ weeks then there is a good chance that things will go well now. please make sure that you are getting proper ante natal care. if you need to go to another Gp and register as a visitor with another name and address then do this.it is vital that you & your baby get the care you need, especially as you are worried about your scan results.

you cannot go on concealing this pg from SS. any Sw you consult " off the record" will tell you what others have on this thread - your family circumstances have altered since you were assessed and they will need to consider whether or not the baby's needs are best met in your home.

you need legal advice now. i cant say it any more clearly

KristinaM · 19/01/2009 22:18

look - i dont want to upset you as you sounds very shocked and confused. but i dont think you have grasped the seriousness of your situation

so let me spell it out - when SS find out that you are pg and have known for several weeks/months they MAY remove your DS, for the reasons that others have told you

if you then go on to have a mc ( you asked about this) they will not return him. They will not allow you to go back on the waiting list.

they will probably ask you to wait for two years before applying to be reassessed and you may be expected to go for counselling. they may not allow you to reapply at all for a baby/toddler, as you will then be 42 starting assessment and 43 or 44 when a child is placed.

if you have a child with SN ( again i only mention this because you asked) you are very unlikely to have a Nt baby or toddler placed . i knwo of families in this situation and they gave up after years of waiting.

Your situation is very risky. you need

*proper ante natal care to give you and your unborn child the best possible chance

*expert legal advice to help you keep the toddler placed with you

bec144 · 20/01/2009 12:37

Hi!
I am an adoptive mother and work in social work, if the child is already placed and settled with you I doubt very much that he will be removed. DONT PANIC. One of the options could be that they stay involved a little longer to support you in the transition of 0 to 1 to 2 children!!!!!
Don't really know for sure, if you get on with the SW then have an informal chat with him/her!
Good luck, my sons are 14 months apart and I love that they are such good playmates!

NormaJeanBaker · 20/01/2009 12:42

Same thing happened to a friend of mine - he is the birth child, his brother the adopted one. There were each other's best men at their weddings and couldn't be more of a family. And in this case one black and one white so the difference was obvious.

PheasantPlucker · 20/01/2009 13:00

Kristina, excellent advice, very well expressed.

I would say though that we have a birth child with SEN, and had a NT 14 month old (very delightful) adopted daughter placed with us, so it does happen.

KristinaM · 20/01/2009 18:16

oh Pp that's wonderful! One family i knwo of had an (adopted) daughter, who was placed as a baby as Nt and turned out to have ASD. They were approved for another child but gave up after waiting 5 years and enquring about more than 60 children

PheasantPlucker · 20/01/2009 18:33

Thanks Kristina, sorry that your friend was not supported to adopt a 2nd child. I hope they, and their dd, are OK.

We were grilled incessantly about ways that we would/could effectively parent 2 very different children, and had to prove all sorts of 'skills'. We were in the same group as another couple who were in a similar situation, although their birth dc had different special needs to my dd1. I know they had an adopted dc placed with them not too long after we adopted dd2. I guess we were both lucky that our SWs and Agency supported us. I hadn't realised it was unusual.

I hope the OP is getting some good advice, and things are OK.

changer22 · 20/01/2009 18:36

Sorry no helpful advice from me but congratulations on both babies!

misspollysdolly · 20/01/2009 18:41

Hello Brainmish, Firstly congrats on your adoption and pragnancy - a double whammy - no wonder you are feeling a bit phased by everything that's happening for you right now. Won't go into huge detail until you have had you independnet advice regarding the effects of the pg on the placement of your first little one, but once you are up for a bit more chat, I just wanted you to know that I/we adopted DD nearly 6 years ago and have gone on to have two birth children. If you would like to chat more about this or have any questions do post again. Birth children following adoption has certainly been an interesting road to take, but more often than not we are happy little family unit. Many blessings to you. DO post again...

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 20/01/2009 18:46

I have a friend who is the biological child of his parents - they got pregnant with him 8 months after adopting very challenging 3 & 8 year old brother and sister from an abusive family - It has worked really well they have had issues to deal with but all in all things are great.

I also have a friend who adopted 2 girls 4 & 10 (not related) and they had been told it was a 1 in a million shot for them to have a baby biologically and they now have 2 biological children - no contraception taken as they believed lightening couldn't strike twice

Congratulations - them being so close in age is going to be fabulous they will be good friends.

bec144 · 21/01/2009 23:18

Hi again - could I just re-iterate that you are highly unlikely to have your adoptive child removed because of this, the last thing that the child's social worker would want is to move the child AGAIN.
My advice to you is to be open and honest with the social worker maybe speak to your own worker? And to do a bit of research etc.
Please dont hesitate to contact me further I have adopted 2 children and work in this arena!
PS
Try not to let this taint your wonderful experience of becoming a new mum and your developing pregnancy. - Hard I know!

KristinaM · 22/01/2009 10:00

bec - i really hope you are right and that the OP gets that assurance from a senior officer in her local social services, in writing.

her solicitor will be able to advise of the appropriate action regarding the court.

brainmish - i really hope you now are receiving ante natal care & have obtained professional advice

bec144 · 22/01/2009 15:06

The only way brainmish will find out for sure is to speak to her own and the child's social worker.
After working for many years in child protection and removing and finding permanancey for children and babies, I would be extremely concerned if a local authority removed a child who has already been removed from birth family to foster carer and then foster carer to adoptive parents - I doubt very much.
It takes a lot of concerns before ANY child is removed, but honesty is definietly the best policy.
Please let me know how you get on.

Original poster

brainmish · 23/01/2009 14:04

Thanks Bec144-i have written you a message privately - can you change settings on email to receive it? The CAT facility.

Thanks for all the advice.
We are getting some confidential social work counselling next week.

I will keep you all updated.

OP posts:

ShinyPinkShoes · 23/01/2009 23:21

Confidential Social Work Counselling?

So you still have not told your Social Worker?

If I were he/she my most immediate concern would be the fact that you had concealed significant information from me.

You really do have a duty to be completely open and honest with them.

bec144 · 25/01/2009 23:35

Hi! Sorry maybe my username should be "Brainmish!" CAT thing sorted, but no email as of yet?
Hope you're getting on ok?

Flip

1 2 3 4