Hand hold please , our girl is struggling

[portinastorm]

Hi I’m mum to two girls , first one is bio daughter and just coming out of teen years .
Despite me having a background of many years working with troubled teens it was really hard and took a lot of strength and support and now I couldn’t be prouder of how she got through and who she is . But honestly it nearly broke us as a family .
Our youngest is now 12 , she came to us at 11 months from 1 foster placement . She settled really well with us and is really bright , loving and really close with our eldest daughter .
she does lots of activities by choice and loves being busy , when at home she likes being creative and watching tv with us as a family .
i would always describe her as quirky Lots of energy . She asks about her birth family and is processing . She has some anger that she talks about and we are accessing support to do life story work .
all sounds good but for the fact she has no friends , not at school or the clubs she attends . We are meeting with school because she’s having such a horrible time and they are supporting but everyday she comes home with talk of other children hating her , people thinking she’s weird and how to make friends .

there is a question of possible ASD as BM is recently diagnosed along with a genetic condition so we have asked for genetic testing but not yet pushed the button on ASD , adoption support seem to think it’s trauma and I don’t disagree with that but I do have a strong thought that she fits ASD too .

Both me and her dad love her dearly and want the best obviously but I’m struggling with the sadness of what she’s going through

Sending hand hold 💐 sorry that you’re all going through a tough time, it sounds like a lot!! ❤️‍🩹

the trauma / Autism issue is so complex

a wise person on here advised we explore the autistic angle as if our ds is autistic (we’re still awaiting assessment in next few months but all involved professionals feel he is) then all his trauma occurred through an autistic lense.

we’re still in the thick of it all so I can’t really say what difference it’s making to him but it clicked a few things into place for me

We’ve also found Robyn Gobbel’s baffling behaviours model really helpful.

sending hugs & hope for friendships to come for your daughter

Sending a handhold. It's really hard. DD1 was like this at the same age and it's heart breaking to watch when you feel like you can't really help.

We're a few years down the line and things have improved. We've found that it's actually too much for her to do the intense maintenance needed to have a tight group of best friends, though I think a part of her would quite like that in theory. What seems to work better for her is to have a range of lighter touch friends from different places and groups, so she gets to do a bit of socialising and she has people to eat lunch with etc, but the sharing confidences, in each others pocket thing is just too exhausting for her to manage.

She really started by building friends in the sport she does, which built her confidence and allowed her to connect more easily with girls in her classes because she stopped feeling like everyone hated her. We also do quite a bit of support with things like replying to messages, which she finds really tricky.

It's a very different model to what my own teen years looked like, but I've had to let that go and appreciate what works for her.

Hi. I have 2 adopted daughters and both have asd diagnoses. It is hard to pull autism apart from early trauma, fasd etc and adoption services are often unwilling to consider autism in my experience. They will often put everything down to early trauma- my elder daughter has a proper moderate learning disability but still a reputable post adoption specialist provider ignored this and claimed it was all early trauma.

To get an autism diagnosis you are better off in CAMHS or wherever in your area diagnoses autism.

In favour of asd it sounds like your daughter has a reasonably decent attachment to your family, is okay at school, has a genetic history of autism, wasn't in a difficult environment as a baby.

But seriously, adoption services are very early trauma focused and won't necessarily be trained in autism. Often even experienced professionals have firm ideas about what autism looks like and will tell you that it couldn't possibly be autism. It's especially hard with girls.

Re friends, in my experience it is impossible to teach friendship skills tovthe point where they can have friends with neuro typical children. My younger daughter could make friends but never keep them. And she went to a specialist speech and language school where they taught interpersonal skills every day!

It is easier once they get older and can find their 'tribe', whether it's through gaming, online interests etc.

I would suggest you pursue the asd angle. There is a lot more support for asd than for early trauma- and more understanding and acceptance. And there may be asd clubs your daughter could attend.

Do you watch Patience on tv? That features an autistic young woman and is very interesting, I think.

Good luck x

Sending a hand hold too 💛 It's so hard watching them be lonely when you know how lovely they are.

Trauma and autism really can both be true at once, so it might be worth pushing for an assessment anyway rather than waiting to decide which it is. Your adoption support team can apply to the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund for specialist assessments and therapy, so that might be a route alongside the GP or school.

On friendships, small structured groups built around something she loves (drama, art, a coding or Lego club) are often easier than big free-for-all clubs, and some schools run lunchtime social groups if you ask the SENCO. You're clearly doing everything you can for her.@