Reaching out to birth mothers

[BrendaSouleyman]

Are there any other birth mothers out there who are willing to share experiences? Is this an OK place for me to ask for their experiences?
I have been caring for my nine month old as a single mother (albeit with help from my mother) but have come to the realisation that I can not continue to care for him. I dread every day and have been taking every measure possible to improve my mental health since he was born but to not avail. I know the adoptees on reddit are very skewed against birth mothers voluntarily giving up their children but I think sometimes it can be necessary.

I am an adopter and am very sorry that you are in this situation. I hope you can find the support you need.

I have not read this book yet, but maybe it is of use to you:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Supporting-Birth-Parents-Children-Adopted-ebook/dp/B07RKYM4DG

Wishing you all the best for your decision.

Hi, I am an adopter. There is absolutely no issue reaching out to birth parents here but there may not be a huge amount of them. There are some though who I hope will be along soon to talk to you.
it sounds like you are really struggling - are you getting support from your midwife / GP team? Social workers would always prefer to support a family staying together either by ensuring you have the right support or maybe looking at care from within your family. You mentioned your mum is helping - would she be able to offer a more formalised kinship carer role if that was an option?

Thank you @ThisHonestPeachEagle and @onlytherain
I posted nearly a week ago so am a bit doubtful that I'll get many replies now.
I have posted on another board on mumsnet about how I was struggling. I lived in Paris for 21 years and came back to the small, grey town in the north of Ireland where I cone from to have help with the baby, as I'm a single mum.
My mother has been really helpful but is aged 73. My sister lives locally and helps out somewhat although she has a full-time job and three children of her own (and is not very happy in her marriage).
The thing is that I longed to be a mother but have hated every minute -and I really mean hated it -since my son was born. I have had mental health issues since I was 18 and been prescribed every type of medication you can think of - SSRIs, SNRIs, mood stabilisers and a very specific type of medication caled MAOI (Nardil). I have been hospitalised in psychiatric institutions three times (prior to pregnancy).
My mental health problems were tied up with loneliness and the desire for a stable partner and child - so I believed. I never had any luck with men despite functioning and presenting very well in every day life in in spite of my mental health challenges. So I decided to have a baby alone and boy, do I regret it.
There is no mother and baby unit in Northern Ireland but having had multiple hospitalisations in the past, I am dubious as to what ta MBU would even change long-term. Plus the perinatal mental mental health team have said I could not eb transferred to elsewhere in the U.K. for a stay at an MBU - they have been asked about this!
GP, perinatal mental health team and health visitor are of course all aware, as are social services, but I think they are used to treating mothers with postnatal depression successfully with medicaton and talking therapies, not someone with long-standing mental health problems. They seem to imply here is nothing much more that can be done other than talking about it, and trying yet more medication. I have been taking another anti-depressant- Mirtazapine - since June, its dosage was increased in July - and Sertraline, which I have already taken in the past was added in earlier this month. Surprise surprise, it's all had zero impact on my mood.
I want to go back to my old life I can't manage this baby and don't want him. I am aware that I sound both selfish and a monster. He is in perfect health and I look after him but I would rather die than stay here in the small town I grew up. At the same time, I could not cope with him on my own in Paris, in a tiny flat. I have been researching adoption in France but because the baby has Irish nationality, he could not be put up for adoption in France.
I am not an irresponsible or a frivolous person usually. At a last- ditch attempt at alleviating this daily dread and desire to run away all the time, I had a very expensive private online consultation with a doctor in Dr. Louise Newsom's online clinic (I am aged 44) but the HRT that has not had any effect. I don't think it's realistic to keep upping, changing, trying more medications and waiting for things to change, or hoping I will feel better.
I thought that the way I was feeling was related to a developmental stage or the newborn stage or the lack of sleep at the start of the baby's life and although he is only a little over 9 months old, I now realise it is not related to a developmental phase. I made a profound mistake in havign the baby and there is no father I can leave him with. I was brought up to believe that you can't rely on a man for anything, but I should have questioned that. I longed to have a child - there's nothing wrong with that - but a mature adult would have thought more about how, as a single woman who rents a tiny two- room apartment that she lives- how was I going to I manage, what were my support systems, etc. I genuinely believed my mental health problems were down to loneliness amd wnatong to have a family and child. Yet I have been alone all my adult life and that's all I want - to live alone again. I genuinely thought that if I had to move back to Northern Ireland, I'd miss Paris but would still do so for the sake of the baby. That is not at all the case. Hes still tiny but in time, he will feel my grinding resentment every day and I really resent this little baby who has asked for nothing and who is absolutely perfect.
I have reached out to adoption workers in N.I. but my family wouldnnever forgive me if I placed him up for adoption and they would insist I stay here to look after him. A very reasonable attitude, except, as I say, I'd really rather be dead than do that. Every evening, I'm scouring these adoption boards, but all I come across is that unless the babys life is really at risk, it's better for the child to stay with the birth mother, better for them with the birth mother. I am so sorry to have brought a baby into the world to damage him - he's a great wee baby, and in perfect health, I've energy touched drugs or alcohol - but I am not interestes in him. I don't neglect him but can not see a world in which I bring him up and manage to stay alive. I want the absolute best for him but don't want to be, and feel I can't be, his caregiver.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our mental health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Thank you. My post is all about how the real-life support hasn't been working, and any suggestions as to how to proceed.

@BrendaSouleyman

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I hope you will reach out to the support services @LilyMumsnet has posted. I think we may well struggle to advise you here as we are mainly adoptive parents and what you are going through is outside our sphere of experience or expertise. I can guarantee though that there will be no judgement here. And only empathy and sympathy and support. It’s highly unusual for babies to be placed for adoption on the basis of relinquishment now; the vast, vast majority of children legally severed from their families of origin are where there is no other option ie a suitable family member or extended family member and adoption is regarded by the family courts as the very last resort. It is the lifelong breaking of an attachment and bond. As an adopter two decades in, I see daily the effect that being severed from her birth mother has on my AD1. Honestly, for very many women, motherhood, especially when you are in the trenches in the early years, can be soul-destroying and boring. It’s a massive adjustment. I mourned my single, child-free life for a long time. I still crave a life away from my children who are now 19 and 10. Please may I suggest that you contact PAC-UK as a good organisation for you to access counselling around your current feelings? PAC-UK is a specialist adoption-related organisation that offers free counselling to all members of the adoption triad and it also counsels those wishing to reunite. I would be happy to talk to you directly, if you think that might help?

I phoned PAC-UK end of August and they scared the life out of me by saying they had no guarantee that the baby was safe, and were going to have to contact the local council to get somebody out to check. As I mentioned, I'm currently living with my mum, who is very private, in a small town and she would be mortified and really angry with me. The person I'd spoken from PAC called me back later that afternoon to apologise and said she had checked with her manager and such action wouldn't be necessary, and she was sorry she had alarmed me and would email me a list of organisations for counselling. I never got such an email.

I am aware of helplines such as Parentline in Northern Ireland, the Alliance for post-Natal Illness and the Samaritans. I have called them all. The most any of them do is, upon hearing I'm in contact with postnatal mental health services, is that I go back to them and request "more support".

I’m sorry that you had a negative interaction with PAC-UK; might you consider trying them again, in the hope that you would get to speak to someone else? I’m wracking my brains now but what about trying the Family Rights Group as I think they could be able to advise you about more immediate support? They are set up to help birth families, but usually those under threat or having their children removed by local authorities. I contacted them when I was in a legal crisis with my LA a couple of years ago and found them to be very knowledgeable, kind and non-judgmental. Do you have access to Talking Therapies via the NHS in NI? I have my thinking cap on and I’m around this afternoon so I’m happy to keep messaging you here, if that might help? I don’t want to patronise, I just want to help. I have been in incredibly dark places before now and people giving up their time quite literally saved my life. If your little one has a nap, I’d be happy to chat on the phone?

He doesn't nap @ThePieceHall but you are very kind, not patronising, and I will DM you.

Just to add that I don't want to sever ties with the baby. I'd want to stay in touch with him.

@BrendaSouleyman

I’m not sure if you have tried to message me but I realise that I have a now-defunct email address linked to my MN account so I don’t think I can access any messages. So sorry if you have tried and have felt let down. I have been trying to sort out the logistics. I could maybe give you my FB name (I don’t use my real name, because adoption) so you could message me there?

To be truthful, not very adopters want to maintain contact with birth families. For a wide variety of reasons. There is currently no legal obligation to do so, even though the president of the family court is passionate about adoptive children maintaining lifelong links. Personally, I am an adopter who maintains a good, warm and supportive relationship with the mother of my second child and they meet up probably once a month to do fun ‘family’ things. If your baby went into care, the reality is that legal proceedings take a while and the decision about whether to maintain contact would be entirely in the lap of any adopters. People say one thing when they are going through their assessments and then do another when they have the legal order.

@ThePieceHall I did private message you, i had a little free time this afternoon after all and thought perhaps we could WhatsApp. Not to worry- thank you again.

So sorry, I can’t reset my account. Look, my name on FB is MoominMamam. Please message me there and I will let you have my phone number to WhatsApp.

@BrendaSouleyman

Moomin Mamam

Hi there,
I'm not a birth mother, but I'm at an interesting place in the adoption triad since I know birth mothers (and women who almost became birth mothers but kept custory), several of my close friends were adopted and I'm an adoptive mother. I've seen quite a bit from all sides when it comes to adoption, which has been interesting.

Mothers are lionized by society, particularly birth mothers. Obviously maternal separation has consequences, but sometimes they're way preferable than the alternative and it can be beneficial to separate mothers from their children.

Bringing another perspective to the table, someone from my biological family who I adore had an absolutely awful (biological) mother. She was not abusive in the physical sense, but was cold and resentful of him from birth and never cared about him or his emotional needs. He noticed (the whole family did, as a matter of fact) and they just quietly hated each other until the day she died. No special mummy bond, no reconciliation and no change to what was just plain lifelong hatred. As a result of this, he had lifelong struggles with recognizing his own emotions and needs, as well as expressing them. I bring this up because this is a reality that can be true too but few people speak of.

Relationships are complicated, and giving birth or adopting doesn't give you a special bond with a baby if you don't, well, bond. I can't see the future, so I don't know if you will bond with your son or not, but since you speak of wanting to not be here any longer if he remains in your care, it doesn't sound like you have so far. Motherhood is in reality a relationship like any other, it can come to an end and sometimes it does so terribly. The book "Regretting motherhood" by Orna Donath might help you find perspectives of women who have been in similar situations.

You don't sound like a selfish monster; on the contrary, you sound intelligent, and there's plenty of women who regret motherhood. You obviously are mature enough to voice your feelings and aware enough to know you're not in a good place, unsure if you can provide your son with what he needs. That puts you miles ahead of other regretful mothers. Trying to do what's best for your child and your mental health is tough, and you have my respect for trying to find a solution, even if it involves some degree of separation and is not what's socially accepted. Since there's no danger, having regular contact is a great idea and should be in the cards anyways, should you decide for adoption.

Respectfully, your mother should respect your choice, especially if she's not in a position to take care of the baby herself. Try to look into postnatal depression and see if that might be affecting you. If you decide to place your son for adoption, Social services will first try a kinship placement before moving on to traditional adoption, so if there's someone suitable in your family you might reach out to them for help.

Best of luck, whichever you decide.