How old were you?

[Bluuuemooon]

Hi all,
My husband and I have decided to adopt. We have had the initial meeting but we need to make some changes in our life before we can continue. These changes aren't quick fix items. We are in a property that we want to move from and our SW has told us to make the change and move before progressing.
I am 44 and starting to feel anxious like time is passing, I'm getting older, how will I deal with the sleepless nights etc. I would say I'm a fit person, very active, and often mistaken for being younger. I have a lot of patience.

How old were you when adopted? Did your age ever influence your decision? For example, age range of the adopted child?

Thank you for any answers.

I was 41 and adopted a baby. I wish I had been a bit younger if I’m honest. Not because I struggle with energy now, but because as I get older, I worry more about not being around for as long as younger parents. I’m the oldest mum outside school (barring one other mum who is also an adopter) and while I’m now in my 50s, some of them are in their 30s. I feel guilty that my child will probably lose us at a much younger age. As they are an only child from a small family, this really worries me.

This all sounds morbid and pessimistic but it is reality. Yes, I could live to be 100 but it’s unlikely! When I adopted at 41 everyone said it was young for adoption, and of course some women have kids in their 40s so it’s not terribly unusual. BUT I do think my perspective as changed as I’ve gone into perimenopause and do suddenly feel much my age much more. I’ve also faced parents and friends my own age dying. That’s all taken its toll! In some ways, I wish that I’d adopted two so my child had more family once were gone.

Looking younger counts for nothing - your age is your age!

@AnnesPuffedSleeves Thank you for replying and giving your experience.
I do feel the same in terms of dying whilst they are young. Although, on the flip side to that, I have friends who are ten years younger than me and their health is much worse than mine. I also have a friend ten years older who is one of the fittest people I know.
I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm worried about. If I was ten years younger, these worries wouldn't cross my mind. Maybe it's the unknown risk of rejection from SW? If we are rejected, we have to accept a life of no children. That is a very saddening thought.
There are other children in the family, cousins etc so an adopted child wouldn't be alone.

I think I may be not in the normal age group,I was 65 and DH was 62 when we had our youngest was placed with us age 3. I have to add we were not looking to adopt a 6th child they approached us I think they were desperate as she had multiple medical problems. It worked out fine!

My husband and I were 44 and 42 and very fit when our children were placed. They were 5 and 6, so I was the same age as pretty much all of their friends' mums. My children have always worried about my husband and me dying and still do. Both my children developed severe health problems in their teens, so the situation is complex.

Many adoptive families have very tough teenage years. I would take that into consideration when you think about what age range you will to consider.

Saying all that, we are still healthy and comparatively fit and having a forever family is much better for any child than staying in care! Life is never perfect.

I’m very aware that what I’m going to say sounds really negative so I will caveat this by saying that adoption is the best thing we’ve ever done. We are all very happy and have a great life so please don’t think my aim here is to put you off.

I also have better health than some younger people I know - but it’s also worse than some older friends I have. Life can change very quickly as we age so although being fit and healthy now is good, it’s no guarantee for the future. Perimenopause can really kick you in the arse (it has me) and that is something to consider in your mid 40s.

My child has cousins and a couple of aunts and uncles but I don’t think that is the same as having siblings if we die early. I don’t get on with my sibling so I realise that sibling relationships don’t guarantee happiness (and in the world of adoption can be problematic), but if you do adopt, you need to work much harder at keeping extended family and friends close - if you can. This board of full of people talking about losing people close to them due to difficulties relating to adoption (parenting in ways family don’t understand, additional needs etc). Adoption is really hard and it can really take a toll on relationships. I regret not maintaining not making more effort with school mums, though part of that is because my child struggled at the start of school and I felt judged. However, my network is really quite small and I realise how important it is to find people who are in your corner, and your child’s, particularly as we and they get older. I’d love to meet more adopters but meet ups are so often aimed at those with younger kids.

These are just things to consider. It’s been the best thing I’ve ever done!

I was 46. I remember feeling exactly the same - terrified of rejection for adoption due to my age. I am now 50 with a 4.5 year old about to start school. My knees definitely tell me I am an older Mum. Its still early days for us but I have found accepting that there might be a disconnect between you and other parents at nursery, etc is par for the course. You are essentially parenting for additional needs and so you find your tribe that way I have found. There are no guarantees in any kind of parenting, entering each phase with pragmatism and curiosity, allowing yourself to grieve the bits you miss seems to be the way forward.

@mumof2many1943 wow! I'm sure you get that response a lot though. Thanks for sharing. I like your statement "it worked out fine" sometimes it's easy to overthink things. What I think now will be a problem probably won't be. There will be something I haven't even considered!

@onlytherain thank you for replying. I think the thing i have to remember is if I'd had a birth child, they could still have complex needs. Especially at my age. And I agree that things might be hard but a child out of the care system and into a loving family has to be benefical. My mental ability to be kind and patient has grown dramatically over the last few years. I might have been fitter when I was younger but perhaps what children need more than anything isnt to do with physical health but mental and that often comes with age.

@AnnesPuffedSleeves
Thank you. I think that's really good advice to try early on to make connections with other parents. It's perhaps overlooked - I imagine the whole process is very overwhelming. Everyone is so isolated these days. We live in a great area where we know lots of people so I would definitely put effort in there.
You haven't put me off ha ha. I'm not sure how the menopause is going to hit me. Although I don't yet have any symptoms, I think the tick tock of my body clock is telling my brain to hurry up. Actually, taking a deep breath and getting it right is more important.

@Parksitting this is lovely advice. I would likely be a similar age by the time we are sorted. Thinking the way you do sounds calm and rational. And I think that's really important on a young person's brain.

Dh and I were 32 and 34 and we by far the youngest adopters we knew at the time.

I was 46 and DH was 49 when we adopted our nearly 4 year old child. Both of us are very fit and active. Adoption had been in our mind for many years but we waited until our house and job situation was how we wanted it to be. This meant that when we adopted we had piece of mind and didn't have to worry about anything else other than helping the LO settle. Our support network was quite small, so for us that was even more important. That said, at the time we felt our house was smaller than we wanted, but that it would be fine for a few years.

It took almost 2 years from the time we started the process to the day our LO moved in, so factor this in as well when you think about whether to start the process now or later. This is quite common but it can vary from 1 year to many years until a match is found. As it happened our LO was removed from BF around the time we started the process, so we had parallel courses.

I guess it's about finding the right balance, you need to be stable enough so that you can focus on the child's needs particularly for the first few years. That's the key, if you can have that stability now, go for it and then you can move house in a few years. But if you think your house is unsuitable, then you need to wait.

Also to add we chose to adopt an "older" child because we were on the older side. This wasn't so much because of the demands of caring for a baby but because we wanted to have more time being cognitively and physically active when our child would be a young adult.

I was 33 and dh was 38. We already had a birth ds.

If those changes can happen quicker I wouldn’t wait. Is your house really to small not suitable ? Is it something the social worker has said or do you want to move? Life is never perfect, there’s never the perfect time.
You will already most likely be in your late 50 / 60s with teenagers. Supporting them into early adulthood into your 60/70s.
I personally think if you want to adopt do it sooner rather than later. Adopted children have already had so much loss. I realise health issues can happen at any age but the risk increases a lot as we get older. As does the exhaustion!
Adoption has been the best thing we’ve ever done though.

@Wells37 @GreenMountainView
Thanks for replying. The social worker has said that we need more space - we don't have a spare room so they won't go any further with it. We asked if we could start the process alongside doing the work but they said no because things could change, it might take longer than anticipated. To be fair, it has taken longer than we thought to deal with planning etc.
We don't want to move because the house is connected to our business. We'd have to uproot everything and that's just not possible. We offered to move our bedroom into the living room to free up a bedroom but that was met with a "no" too.
We haven't made up our minds yet about the age of the child. There are so many emotions of the child, and ourselves to consider. I am quite a logical person, though and the reason I'd like to be a mum is because I think I could give someone a really nice life and help them have a good, honest, full, happy life.

I'm glad you've had positive experiences. Sometimes when I doom scroll, it's seems like a terrible option for all involved!

@Bluuuemooon it was absolutely the best thing for our family. Go in with your eyes open but remember when people post online they are usually in crisis.
We’ve definitely had our ups and downs and have parented a bit differently than with our birth child. But not that differently but obviously it’s always at the back of our mind when dealing with any issues.
Get the work finished or nearly finished and contact them again. Good luck

I'm 44 and we just started stage 2. I'm definitely working on my strength and fitness after all the childcare practice we've been getting. We won't be adopting a new born. Ideally id probably go with kids around 4-6 but we are going down to toddler age as my wife is keener on a bit younger. She initially wanted a baby and toddler. Definitely not my thing! Adoption agencies won't worry about age usually. I know adoptive parents in their mid 50s with little ones. There's so much you can do to get ready while waiting. We did house, fitness and experience and was definitely worth it

Another thought, get yourselves to the gp for an over 40s health check. You can have one every 5 years.
You will have time to work on any issues before the adoption health check and you won’t get any surprises.
I definitely agree with @Pieandchips999 work on your fitness and get child care experience now. These are all things they will check and you can get them under your belt now 🙂

Thank you @Wells37 and @Pieandchips999 getting experience and medical checks is really good advice. Getting those tick boxes ticked while we can't progress will make me feel like I'm being proactive and still working towards the goal