Child making false allegations and family now feel unsafe

[Outofmydepth63]

Hello posted this recently in 30 days and was advised to post it here and SEN so here goes....

Not sure if I am looking for support, advice or a sounding board but need to put it down as I feel numb and have no one to talk to.

Context: we have two children. One, the older, is adopted and we (us and school) suspect SEN which bio family have. Second is our bio child.

One of the issues we face with our oldest (5) is he lies. Little lies that are normal like he didn't take something, he didn't hit his sister etc. And then bigger ones like nanny kicked me on weeks he hasn't seen nanny or me and this kid went here on weekends he hasnt left the house. More serious ones like the nursery nurse hit me when I know they haven't as it has been their week off so no contact with him.

Most recently he has told the school his dad hurts him. He does not. I know loads of people claim that but I am 100% sure. Problem is they now say he can't be alone with dad and I am scared senseless. Had a Dr's check and no marks other than the ones from jumping of monkey bars, running into a door, running into a tree etc that all happened at school.

Social worker won't even hear what my husband has to say, doesn't respond to messages and never contacts me to tell me any of this and won't even talk to the after school club he attends when they offered to vouch for the number of injuries they alone have come across during the school day and in their care.

I feel sick and the worse part is now me, dad and grandparents all feel scared to be alone with him. I feel like even if this all goes away there is something that has happened to our family I'm scared we can't fix.

To make matters worse, just this week we have had dinner and after watching the kids push their last bits around for over 10 minutes dad said if was time to get ready for bed and my son said "he hit me". My husband hadn't moved near him at all, was not even next to him. My family and his feel unsafe and unsure around him and if I am honest I am starting to feel the same now. I don't think we can repair this anymore is my worry.

Please be gentle. I'm not ok and it seems to keep getting worse.

This will likely be confabulation and is very common.theres a useful al coates podcast on it somewhere.and the book on trauma informed teaching (I think Sarah Naish) is useful on it.i noticed it in my dd when she was in preschool and have warned school about it.they don't mean it but fill in blanks of thought type thing,a confusion of imagination.its very difficult for you all and Im not sure what you can do other than learning all about it and helping the school understand? I guess maybe set up a room camera or something so it's clear it's not happening?

You really need support with this, it's not uncommon and the social worker should be aware of that. You can't live like this though, I'd be telling the social worker that if you don't get help with the confabulation then the adoption is at risk of breakdown because the whole family is starting to feel unsafe. Unfortunately you sometimes have to make it clear just how serious a situation is before you can any help or support with anything.

https://belongingnetwork.com/article/the-truth-about-confabulation/

I'm so sorry, this is common in children with significant developmental trauma as well as FASD.

I'd advise joining PATCH on Facebook, make an account if you don't usually use Facebook, there are a couple of thousand adoptive parents many with experience of what you describe.

I'm not sure of the timeline of events from your post but I'm assuming that SW is looking at a strategy meeting/section 47 and has asked your partner to only have supervised contact in the meantime, is that correct?

Make notes of all examples as they crop up. My youngest has epilepsy and so we have cameras around the house to record so I can go back and check for seizures if my child seems not themselves. They've been very helpful for having a record, e.g. the time my daughter catapulted herself off the dining room table while dancing on it, and promptly announced that I threw her. Obviously I didn't use the footage to show her but it was useful to show SW. We use tapo cameras, cheap but decent.

I think what you can do at the time is help them learn that it didn't happen,so like in your example you can say 'he didn't hit you,he's over there,did you get scared he was going to hit you?you know actually he would never hit you,you are safe and loved.'use it as for therapeutic parenting and for teaching like learning anything? hel need to learn that it's not happening like he's saying so point out to him clearly.i would absolutely make sure social workers understand the impact this is having for your attachment etc and how they need to be supporting you as a family with this rather than causing any division.its such a common thing they must know but will also be worried in case it is happening.cameras could be good and documenting it? we have a lot of it but hasn't been anything accusatory for a long time just clearly imagination mixed with reality.i would wonder that if they get attention when they come up with the accusatory stuff it must get really tricky all round? I would save all accident forms from school (ours are most days) and maybe do some documentation yourself.

That is a very scary and challenging situation for you.

I would try to reframe it in your mind. Your son is 5 and severely traumatised. He is not consciously trying to harm you. He is scared and doesn't understand the consequences of what he says. He still believes in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy, that is where his understanding of reality and fantasy is at. You have a lot of evidence that the things he claims have happened did in fact not happen. Maybe this could help you feel less anxious about his behaviours.