Matthew and Ryan

[Arran2024]

These two keep cropping up on my Facebook feed. They are a gay couple planning to adopt and apparently it's really happening - next week. They post incessantly about the process and are clearly very excited, but how can social services be ok with this?

(Edited because I can't get the Facebook link to work)

I think there is value in sharing the process, there is still so much misconception about adoption, so many people still have the saviour mentality about it or think it's a straightforward answer to infertility. The more realistic experiences out there the better. They're silly on their personal feed but the Daddies Overnight account is actually good and quite considered. I can see from some of the comments e.g. people asking why it's taking so long that it's educating some people.

I like them, I hope their positivity will stand them in good stead.

Sharing the child(ren?) will be another matter, initially it'll be a fostering arrangement legally so they surely won't be permitted to share any photos or details I wouldn't have thought. I think the telling point will be when the children are eventually legally adopted as they could then share anything, I hope they will have the sense to be discreet and protect the children's privacy.

I was thinking about it in terms of the adoption disruption thread and the discussion about preparing prospective adopters and making sure they understand what the realities if parenting a traumatised child will be like, and I'm not picking that up from them. It's all a huge adventure with lots of fun and excitement.

The birth parents usually get to meet the adopters - how is that going to pan out when they are so visible?

While I think the realities of adoption can be very difficult I think it’s also important to recognise that starting a family is an exciting time in people’s lives. I’d be concerned if adopters came to it without excitement and adventure - and it’s much easier and relatable to share that than your inevitable anxieties about what lies ahead.

We don’t know what’s happening behind the scenes, what they’re sharing with friends and family or with their social worker. I know that other than people close to me I didn’t share my uncertainties because it’s too personal for casual acquaintances and I wanted my children, and my impending motherhood, to be celebrated in the same way I celebrated countless pregnancies of friends and colleagues. The general public don’t have a good understanding of adoption so lots of people talked about me enjoying getting to know my kids, enjoying adoption leave etc - they’re couldn’t have know the plethora of mixed feelings I had, or how hard those early weeks and months were.

I wouldn’t expect an acquaintance to share with me their fears for giving birth, the challenges of breast feeding or recovery from delivery - or that they felt stifled by caring for a new born. I know that’s all part of the package but saved for your closest supporters. For me the challenges of adoption are the same, saved for my closest supports. I can’t grudge them some excitement and joy upon becoming parents, it’s not their responsibility to educate others at this time in their lives.

I'm not talking about them educating other people but more about the privacy issues and also I'm wondering how prepared they are for the realities of parenting a traumatised child. Surely the birth family will find out who has their child? Surely this is a safeguarding issue?

It may or may not be. I’ve not seen their posts so I can’t comment on how appropriate it is. Their social worker should be aware of their account and, I’d imagine, have given clear instructions about posting or identifying their child. It’s possible it’s an out of area placement or the birth parents may not want to meet them - it’s not unusual. It’s also often not an issue for birth parents to know who has their child, by the point of adoption birth parents generally don’t pose an ongoing risk to their children or the adoption may be more open.

I guess every case on its own merits, I think they sound a bit naive but not necessarily unsafe. Much depends on how they are post adoption by which time they’ll be so knackered they won’t give a shit about Insta.

I am not an adopter though work with vulnerable children.I have felt concerned about Matthew and Ryan's posts-one of their Instagram posts mentions wanting to share a love of Disney being a key reason to adopt!However, I agree with a previous post that they do share factual elements of the process.I think one of them is care-experienced and we won't see all of them in their posts.It is quite hard to know.Many people's reasons for doing things can come from a leap of faith...

They keep coming up on my social media too, don't follow them or know of them so I'm guessing they are paying to promote these posts. As an adopter I've been concerned with what I've been seeing too. It's lovely to see the excitement for this new child but gender reveal parties etc just concern me that they are unprepared for the realities of adoption and want to have the same experiences as typical birth parents i.e. sharing their love of Disney as a pp also noted. I don't see how they will be able to safeguard their identities/locations etc with such a public profile.

I just hope it's all a bit for show and they are far more aware of the challenges we face as adopters (albeit also lots of wonderful times too!)

I hate all the blatant monetisation of the process and the child and the endless pimping themselves for the manifold freebies. Plus, the eleventy billion folks posting every day about ‘how lucky’ their so is. It’s like a car crash in action but I can’t tear my eyes away.

SON!

There is something about them and/or they can play to the camera!

I wonder what happens when the child is placed. Are they going to step away from social media? Or are they going to post blan (or not so bland) stuff? I simply don't understand how their social worker or the child's social worker is allowing it.

Apparently the child has been shown their videos!

I'd not come across them.before.

They do seem a tad exhuberent.
They will either fall apart in intros or as jellycats says they should be too knackered to think about their insta personas

Well said child is already being paraded on social media. I suspect he arrived home several weeks or even months ago judging by outfits. It’s all so performative.

I’m frankly amazed that the placing authority is allowing this and NO agency is going to be placing a child this close to Christmas, except in an emergency. It’s all so fake. I’m convinced that this is being staged retrospectively. I really, really cannot stand the ‘saviour’ narrative and the monetisation and exploitation of a baby in this way.

I'm horrified by this, it feels so disrespectful to the birth family not to mention their son.

I think I can believe the timelines though, younger children could be placed more easily before Christmas.

Someone commented on their Facebook post when they introduced the child that they actually brought him home in April. That would make more sense - that they recently got the adoption order so can now post what they like.

The comments are so interesting. People in tears, people SO invested in their story. No recognition of the loss and trauma involved. It's like people are invested in a fairy tale.

Oh I see, yes that makes sense. Not on social media much so don't think I really understand going to so much planning and bother to set this up.

It's reassuring that they've at least taken some time to consider what they want to post... but I still think it's awful!

If you look at the clothes they are wearing they brought him home in the summer or spring. It’s still performative and disingenuous as they haven’t been entirely honest about this aspect. It was all playing out like it was in real time, until recently.

Adoption is an amazing thing and what they doing is amazing. But people have adopted for many many years they are acting like they are the first. Gay couples have adopted for years too. Same as that Adam Frisby they act like they are the first gay couple to use surrogacy. I get that it will be meaningful to them but it’s like they need hand holds .

Ive only seen a few posts but they don't seem to be showing the baby's face. So maybe they aren't that daft.

I wonder if there is a bit of a generational thing here.
Im 60, I don't do social media, I follow a few people who I think are interesting and have something to say.
I don't however get this whole 'influencer " thing. The fact that I don't get it doesn't mean that there are'nt lots of people out there making a living from content creation.
I did see a YouTube video where they explained the transition from FC to adopters very well, without all the OTT stuff.
Its likely they have 'on' and 'off' personas.
No one could keep up that level of hysterical outpouring all the time - surely.

It surely doesn't matter if they don't show his face - they are so prolific on social media, so many people will recognise them in the street and know the child in the pram is adopted. It's a huge intrusion into his life. When he starts nursery, school, whatever, everyone will know.

We will see what kind of content they put up from now on. It's all being devoured by a very invested audience.

to be fair, any male gay couple with a baby will stand out as either having adopted or used a surrogate
Ive noticed on the videos they are wearing make up amd have coloured hair and voices are quite affected.
It likely thats a stage persona and not how they look and sound off camera, so.may not be so recognisable
I"m just playing devil's advocate- they are way over the top for me

I keep coming back to the distasteful commoditisation and monetisation of a baby. Yuk! Every day, they post with the latest freebie. It just perpetuates the myth that adoption is always a happy-ever-after story. For very, very many of us, it absolutely isn’t. And all their work feeds into the unhealthy ‘saviour’ complex, with eleventy billion posts slathering about how ‘lucky’ the baby is to have them. Just wrong, in my very jaded opinion. Mind you, with prospective adopter numbers falling off a cliff, I’m wondering if agencies, overwhelmed since all the recent BBC coverage, are so bamboozled that they’re thinking that the influencer route is the way to go to encourage adoption?

Maybe I’ll get me a TikTok account and post my adoption life? Police call-outs/check. Regular going missing episodes/check. CPVA/check. Sibling abuse/check. And so on, ad infinitum.

Sorry, everyone, it’s been a shite day.

Yes but I think with what they are doing, people will feel entitled to come up and chat to them about the adoption. And although they seem joined at the hip, presumably sometimes they are not together and it's not obvious. .

I guess this is how they earn their income, which suggests that sws know they need to keep posting. Maybe it IS a marketing strategy to recruit new adopters, though the focus on the fairy tale/ angels/ saviour /how lucky the childvis angle suggests that will bring in people with completely unrealistic ideas.

Again playing devil's advocate

Im white, I adopted an 8 year old mixed race child.
I was known by my neighbours and in the locality as a very single female. So when I popped up with him I did attract some attention.

And a lot of assumptions abouy where Id got him from.
Did I do a Madonna - no
Where was he born - Midshire, no really where's he from, Midshire -no where is he really from
Adopters can stand out for several reasons.

Issues about monetising the adoption are another matter. But are we OK with people writing books? Many people never pick up a book but they do look at social media.
There are many people doing podcasts, YouTube channels etc.
Is it that these two are ott flamboyant that we are struggling with?