Birth child after adoption

[MMMMama]

Morning all,

We are incredibly grateful to be parents to our two wonderful adopted children, who are siblings and have been with us since birth. Adoption has been a positive experience for us so far. Both children are of primary school age, though we recognise there may be harder years ahead.

We always envisioned having three children, and while we would happily adopt again if another sibling came along (though after 3+ years, this now seems less likely as BM is getting older), we’re now considering whether to explore having a birth child.

We understand that this is a hugely impactful decision, and much of what we read highlights the potential challenges. We’re very aware of how this could affect our adopted children and want to approach it with as much care and thought as possible. At the moment, they are both developing really well, and our family feels happy and settled, but we know that adding a birth child could bring up complex emotions. We’re also mindful that a birth child might sometimes feel left out, as they would be the only birth child while our adopted children have each other as a shared experience.

That said, we’re just trying to gather as much information as possible to help us make an informed decision at this stage.

Has anyone had a birth child after adoption and found that it worked well for their family? Or are there any social workers who have seen examples where this has been a positive experience for everyone involved?

We’d really appreciate any thoughts or experiences—both positive and negative.

What makes you think your adoptive DC will cope any less than biological DC, do they have any disabilities or anything in their past that would indicate they wouldn’t cope.

I only know a couple of families where this has happened and there is a perceived sense (from the adopted children only in one family and seemingly everyone in the other family) of the birth children being higher in the pecking order.

I would think very carefully about it and chat with social workers.

@MMMMama

Can I suggest you have this moved to the adoption board where you will receive considered replies

From an adoption perspective, we understand that adopted children may have feelings of loss, identity questions, or sensitivities around belonging. Our concern is that adding a birth child to the family could make them feel as though they are not enough or cause them to question their place in our family.

Our children are currently thriving, and we don’t have specific concerns, but throughout our adoption assessments, it was made very clear that having a birth child after adoption can have a negative impact on adopted children. That advice has always stuck with us, but we also recognise that every family is different.

I’m just looking for any advice from those who have had a positive experience that might challenge this idea.

Three children is a lot financially and it’s hard to give each one enough of a parents time and attention. There’s another thread on here at the moment about having a third child. All those issues are relevant plus you have the added potential issues surrounding adoption. Dh was born following his parents adopting a child. He was most definitely favoured by his mother. I think his adopted sibling really struggled.

Older sibling Adopted children are in a different situation from older birth siblings. There's every reason to believe it's an added complication.

I don't think I'd risk it, OP.

Apart from anything else, all the usual differences with younger siblings would be magnified by the situation because of the underlying potential for insecurity. So when a child moves into a big boy bed so a new sibling can have the cot, it's accentuated.

Sorry OP but I can't see this being a good idea. The birth child will almost inevitably end up favoured. If not by you then by any extended family. The adopted children will be going through awkward adolescent years when birth child is still small and cute. If your family feels good as it is I'd leave it at that.

I have an adopted child and then went on to have birth children and they are all very much loved and cherished. They all know that the older sibling is adopted but it's just a family fact. I always say that I love them all the same but the only thing I wish I could change is that I wish I could have given birth to the adopted child so I could have loved him from the very start and taken care of him in my tummy. They are all supportive of each other and love their older sibling very much. They are all equal in the family.

This would be at the forefront of my thinking too.

We've got 3 (unexpected twins) and whilst it's fantastic to have twins, it's only enjoyable because we can luckily afford 3 children. Our careers have changed course since we had DTwins and it's pure luck that they have, had we stayed on the same trajectory, knowing what our costs have risen too, we would be struggling with 3 children now.

Three don't fit comfortably across the back of a lot of cars. 5 people and their belongings/luggage make trips out/holidays a squeeze. It's not until you're "more than a 4" that you realise how much of the world is set up for 4 or less. You constantly have one too many, so to speak. So you queue up for things twice so everyone gets a go. And that's not being dramatic about rare occasions like theme park rides, it's countless things, every day.

You'll get the "all you need is love" brigade, who haven't got big incomes, furious that you've made a slight on their many children living in a shoe who are naturally the happiest children in the land. But back in the real world, children are not just thrilled to be a part of a brood, they are individuals who need their own space, own attention, time, love, care, and all the resources too. Three to feed, clothe, educate, house, childcare bills, parties, hobbies, school trips, uni, just life itself.

It's a lot, and it's a huge difference to everyone if you are able to still give three children the same attention, resources and life opportunity you could give one or two.

I appreciate that it's a different era, but this happened in my family. My grandparents were told that they couldn't have children, and adopted my uncle shortly after birth. Several years later, my grandmother fell unexpectedly pregnant with my mother. The two children were very young when they were told about him being adopted. Perhaps, being so young, they just accepted it, though I imagine that there were questions at the time.

It's never been a problem for them. They were brought up equally and the rest of the family treated him the same as his sister and other grandchildren/cousins, etc. They've always had normal sibling relationships. Admittedly, the adoption has never been widely known outside of the family; he's just one of the "X" family and he's content with that.

I don't know if it's the same in all families, but it's worked well in ours.

I would move this to the adoption board, OP, where there are knowlegeable posters who have adopted and birth children.

Were your social workers aware that you always wanted three children and would consider having a birth child to complete your family if a third adoptive sibling did not materialise?

Mother of two adopted children. I will be blunt. I made my decision to adopt and I knew I would never even RISK my children ever feeling even remotely second best by having a birth child.

Absolutely not.

My fears:

• My children would feel that I had a better bond with a birth child.
• My children would feel that we "finally got what we wanted"
• My children would feel that they were not good enough.

I won't even risk them feeling that way even 0.1%. It's a bit different if you have a biological child first and then adopt I think.

My children are not biological siblings. If I wanted three, I would adopt again.

Isn't it an expectation of adoption that you will let the idea of a birth child go when you adopt? I think it would be very hard on your adopted children.

I have an adopted child, her mum died at birth and I met her dad when she was 2.5. We now have another baby and this has been an incredible addition to our family. There have been no negatives so far but DD is 6 and baby 1. Different circumstances though. I didn’t have a baby to ‘have my own child’ but to grow our family and create a sibling for DD. They have the most incredible bond (I’m waiting for the arguments as they get older!) But this also sounds like what you are wanting. We will probably have another (if we can) as we both would love 3 children but we are in a very good situation financially. I only work 2 days a week which helps.

Being incredibly honest I was concerned that I would ‘love’ the baby more than DD or something but I absolutely love them exactly the same.

As an adopter I too suggest moving this to the adoption board.

My two adoptees were fine - until they weren't - which for both of them was around the time they turned 16. Followed by 5 years of relative turmoil for each, so the last 10 years.

@MMMMama why didnt you try to have a birth child first before you adopted?

Most adopted children have attatchment issues.

I agree. I was adopted then a few year later my adoptive parents had two surprise children. I think they thought they hid their feelings well but I always knew I was less than. The way they looked and touched their own kids versus me was obvious. I was always held to a higher standard. Don't get me wrong I'll always be grateful they took me in otherwise who knows where I would have ended up but I just wish they didn't go on about about how equal the three of us were when that clearly wasn't the case.

I was on a thread a couple years ago where a couple posters said they loved their bio kids more than their adopted ones but never let it show. We always know we're worth less.

No, you’re generally required to commit to contraception during the adoption process, so no surprise pregnancies mean that a LA or VA who’s spent time and resources on assessing you hasn’t wasted their time (as obviously no one could combine focus on an a new child via adoption with a newborn), and you’re usually advised to wait six months after stopping fertility treatment before starting the adoption process, though that’s more about drawing a line and allowing time to grieve etc. And you will not be allowed to adopt a child older than an existing child in your family.

But no one can compel you to commit to never having a subsequent child, whether via adoption or biologically.

If things are going really well right now and you’re all happy and the children are settled, why risk it?

Whether it’s a good idea is an entirely different matter, obviously.

I’m not an adopter, but have several good friends who’ve adopted their children. I personally wouldn’t try to have a birth child after two adoptive children, especially as the OP’s children are still young. The teens have often torn up the rule books in the cases of my friends’ families. I’d want to preserve my resources for my existing children.

Thank you so much to everyone who has shared their experiences and advice. I really appreciate the thoughtful and balanced perspectives you’ve offered. It’s been helpful to hear different viewpoints, and it’s given us a lot to consider as we move forward.

To be honest, it has confirmed what I thought deep down. I would never make a decision that could negatively affect my two children, as they truly are everything to me. I know they feel that now, and I hope they will continue to feel that every day going forward.

Also, just for clarification, our social worker didn’t say we could never have a birth child, but rather insinuated that it is generally frowned upon in adoption circles.

Thank you for sharing your honest views! 🙏

@MMMMama please don’t insult @OlafLovesOlives by saying you would do things differently, because through no fault of you own, you won’t be able too.

My SW used to say fake it till you make it. If you have a birth child, you will be faking it for evermore.

This is a very different situation- your adopted daughter is biologically related to her dad and sister.