Birth child after adoption

[MMMMama]

Morning all,

We are incredibly grateful to be parents to our two wonderful adopted children, who are siblings and have been with us since birth. Adoption has been a positive experience for us so far. Both children are of primary school age, though we recognise there may be harder years ahead.

We always envisioned having three children, and while we would happily adopt again if another sibling came along (though after 3+ years, this now seems less likely as BM is getting older), we’re now considering whether to explore having a birth child.

We understand that this is a hugely impactful decision, and much of what we read highlights the potential challenges. We’re very aware of how this could affect our adopted children and want to approach it with as much care and thought as possible. At the moment, they are both developing really well, and our family feels happy and settled, but we know that adding a birth child could bring up complex emotions. We’re also mindful that a birth child might sometimes feel left out, as they would be the only birth child while our adopted children have each other as a shared experience.

That said, we’re just trying to gather as much information as possible to help us make an informed decision at this stage.

Has anyone had a birth child after adoption and found that it worked well for their family? Or are there any social workers who have seen examples where this has been a positive experience for everyone involved?

We’d really appreciate any thoughts or experiences—both positive and negative.

The bond you have with an adopted child is very different to the bond you have with a biological child. One isn't greater or less than another, but it is very different.

I think you are vastly underestimating the effect adding a biological child to your family will have on your adopted children. There will be a biological baby/young child, who naturally get all the attention at that age anyway, at a time when your adopted children are reaching an age where they will face challenges. I simply wouldn't do it.

If you are keen to have a third child, consider adopting again. Aside from all else, this will demonstrate to your existing two that adoption is a valid way to be a solid family.

Having worked with children in care,my experience would be this.
They have already been through so much, and likely more to come in the teenage years. I wouldn't be adding any more pain/difficulty to their plate if I could help it.

It's also a lot to carry for the birth child.

In most families we experience that wjt about one more feeling..id try to make peace with it and cherish the wonderful life you've built for them. You've done an amazing thing.

As an adopted child whose sibling was a birth child. Please do not do this.

I think ages and how long the adopted DC have been with you are important here OP

I 100% second this.

Very close experience of this. It was a disaster for all concerned although all meant well. Please discuss with social workers first. There is a reason why they ask you to use birth control when planning to adopt.

Gosh, that's very powerful. It doesn't apply to me at all, which makes it even more impactful that it's made me a bit teary. What a an emotive thing to read. Your children are very lucky to have you.

It's a bit different if you have a biological child first and then adopt I think.

I think it's very different, I know families who have chosen to adopt after having birth children and none of them have the issues that affect families that have done it the other way round.

I'm the youngest and the adopted sibling, I hate it and have major issues.

I'm sorry that you aren't happy. I hope that you can find peace going forward.

Do you think it would have made any difference had you have been the eldest with a birth sibling younger?

The fuck is this nonsense?

This is beautiful and brought a tear to my eye 💙

I was brought up with a younger adopted sibling, so it was the other way round. AFAIK they haven't struggled specifically with feeling 'less than' the birth children, but my DM always talked very passionately about how she loved us all equally, which helped. There was also a large age gap, which also helped. Being a different sex helped too, as we were already 'different' so differences in appearance weren't scrutinised by strangers etc. If one of your older DC is a girl, I imagine it could be hard or weird for her if you happened to have a girl who looked a lot like you, for example.

This really isn't true, plenty of people feel the same feeling of bond and love for an adopted child as they do a birth child. It may take longer to fall in love with that child, but once they do, the feeling and bond isn't a different thing at all.

However I still agree this may not be a good idea for the reasons previously mentioned

No.
Don't do it to your children.

I completely understand the feeling of wanting more children. I have one (adopted) son but always thought we’d have two. We decided not to adopt again but it has been a real journey for me to accept my family will look different than what I first imagined.

We decided against adopting again (biological children impossible for me) because of all the reasons you list - we have a very settled, very happy family and the worry is bringing in another child to that mix would disrupt the lovely family we have now. For me, I had to prioritise my very real child over an imaginary, wanted child for the sake of my son’s wellbeing and, if you wanted advice, I would say do the same.

As a social worker I’d say don’t do it, and I wouldn’t approve a potential adopter who told me they planned to add to their family by having a birth child. There are too many complexities, not least your own feelings. At the moment you can’t see how you would love a birth child differently but a newborn is very vulnerable and naturally will need care and attention that your current children benefit from. Adopted children generally need more, and can have real struggles in adolescence and teen years. How would it be if they started acting out towards your birth child? Would you honestly be able to treat them all equally? What if they posed a risk to your birth child down the line?

As an adoptive parent I wouldn’t do it either, too much chance of upsetting a finely balanced apple cart. There’s a reason you’re asked to mourn not having a birth child and to commit to using contraception before adoption, those reasons don’t change a few years down the line.

Done. Thank you

Things can change drastically over the years. My children were relatively easy to parent when they were little. They are now highly complex teenagers. There was no way to predict this, we have been unlucky in what has happened to our children. Like you, I used to dream of three. There is no way we could manage three at the moment. We need every bit of energy for two.

I didn't really have issues with being adopted, or at least I didn't know I did until my mid 30s, it's not just about young children either.

We adopted our beautiful boy just before he was 2 and tue next summer I was pregnant.

Let me make it clear this was not planned.
I'd had extensive fertility treatment and no joy. We'd completely come to term with no birth children.
I think you need to be prepared for people's snarly comments "are you going to send him back now?" "It's nice for you to have your own" etc etc.
Also we found we no longer fitted into either group. I had adoptive families in a group we were in figuratively and literally turn there backs on me because I'd had a birth child.
And then people who knew we'd adopted and then that I was pregnant couldn't help but make comments.
The poster who said its a different but not lesser type of love is right.
Also because of our sons sen needs we spend more time, energy etc on him. Our birth child has been expected to just fit in with life and we've had to work hard to give them both the time they need.
Our son doesn't seem to feel any unfairness is there. Our daughter is very jealous at times that she's not adopted. 🙄
I hope that helps.