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Adoption

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Name change

59 replies

Catterpillarsflipflops · 21/01/2025 19:35

We have two children 2&4 years old. Birth siblings.

One came to us with a highly unusual name but it is a real name. The other had a made up name with a funky spelling so we used part of it to create a real name.

We have just been approached to have the new sibling which we want to do. He's 2 months old. He has a charector name. Imagine a Loki type name. I plan to change it to say Louis from Loki.

Social worker is very unhappy that they just learnt that we changed the second ones name. We have been told we aren't allowed to change his. However, honestly, we live in a nice middle class area. Kids at a nice school. If he is called Loki then its obvious we didn't name him and the kids secret is out. No one know our kids are adopted. We live rural so no one would really know I hadn't been pregnant.

In my opinion they are my kids so I get to name them once the adoption order is through? Do I just pretend to call him Loki then dead poll change it?

OP posts:
Bundlesoffuntoday · 21/01/2025 19:41

I think you just put the new name on the adoption forms.

Jenhen1982 · 21/01/2025 21:09

I completely understand your want to name them. Especially if they have an unusual name, but have you done your research and learning about the impact of changing an adoptive child’s name. This is a huge part of their identity and in a lot of cases the only thing their BP’s gave them. I think it’s worth considering these factors before your own personal factors. Of course this is just my opinion but there is a lot of research now from adoptees who had their names changed and the impact this had on them, it wasn’t unusual years ago but there’s much more research available now about the impact it can have.

Jenhen1982 · 21/01/2025 21:11

Bundlesoffuntoday · 21/01/2025 19:41

I think you just put the new name on the adoption forms.

You can of course do this. But when you put in your AO you still get write ups from the social workers so this may not go down well if you say now you won’t change it. Then do something different at AO stage.

Catterpillarsflipflops · 21/01/2025 21:40

We sort of snuck the change through on the second one with a much more open minded social worker.

Honestly if you knew the name of this child, he will thank me for not having to grow up with it.

OP posts:
Needaholiday21 · 21/01/2025 22:21

It's a contentious issue, more research out which indicates issues with changing names such as loss of identity or shame that they weren't accepted as they were etc etc. However we are their parents and sometimes social workers need to understand that we also make decisions with good intentions for our children.

I would nod and play along for now, they should be grateful that this baby has an amazing opportunity to join an established adoptive family and grow up with their birth siblings.

I would say however that being adopted shouldn't be some 'secret' and your explanation about a name 'outing' that child as adopted would certainly raise some eyebrows with social workers that would have concerns about how you manage their life story.

Best of luck!

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/01/2025 22:48

However, honestly, we live in a nice middle class area. Kids at a nice school.

I think it’s one thing changing a name that would be easily recognised and present a possible safeguarding risk, it’s quite another changing names because they aren’t middle class enough for you. Names can hold great significance for adopted children so any decision to change them needs to be given careful consideration with the child’s current and future welfare firmly in mind. Adoption isn’t a dirty secret, and whether folk notice you’ve not been pregnant or not, you have two children who will be excited to have a new sibling and certainly one who is old enough to know the baby isn’t coming from your tummy.

What do your children know about their own adoption, how will you explain their new sibling to them?

Legally you can change your child’s name when you apply for the adoption order, if you’re going to do that please don’t lie to social work about it, have the courage of your convictions and make your case, but maybe think more deeply than “the name doesn’t fit”.

Catterpillarsflipflops · 21/01/2025 23:23

Aahh gosh. No I didn't mean to sound like an awful snob. It's about protecting their identity. It's not that adoption is an awful secret, it's that i don't want my children's story to be the talk of the school.

My fear is in a little village school a name like he has wpuld stand out a mile. It's the sort that people tell their friend/ sister about in an "funny story" sort of way and before you know it, their location gets out.

The reason I referenced being in that sort of area is that there is no way of it seeming remotely like I named him so eye brows will be raised every time his name is used.

He would spend his life explaining it too.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 21/01/2025 23:38

It's about protecting their identity. It's not that adoption is an awful secret, it's that i don't want my children's story to be the talk of the school.
I get that, and would argue that if his birth parents wanted to try and find him in future his name would make him easily found. That’s what I mean by thinking of his wellbeing now and in the future.

I changed the spelling of one of my DCs names because the spelling he had was unusual to where he’d be easily found on social media. It wasn’t an issue at placement but would be now.

Torvy · 22/01/2025 05:49

Culturally I think names are really powerful. There is a whole essay in this! Names as destiny, names as connection, names as indicators of class, ethnicity, ideology and family. Obviously names are powerful, and it's right to consider this deeply. Even on a personal level, the voice of names can be so profound. My family still tell how I was known as something different for the first 3 weeks of my life, what inspired the name choices, why my brother and sister have long names that can be shortened but I don't, which grandparents put pressure on then to use or discard a name. The process of choice is a reflection of my family history, a snapshot of a moment when certain relationships came to the fore within my family. It goes down generations too- my siblings children have been given family names that reference each other, but not me. It stings, and it isn't even that important. It isn't even my own name! Maybe the new style of name represents BPs determination to do something differently? A break with the other type of name to demonstrate a commitment (even if failed) to be a different type of parent for this child? That is symbolically a powerful thing. I would be careful about what family lore and narratives are being created if you decide to change a name you don't really have to. What does it reveal to your child about your relationships to them, the BPs, the world? Which part of their lives are you deeming too difficult to explain, too prickly to handle? There is no right answer, but you will need to have an answer because your child may have those questions.

I would have so many questions that inform my thinking. Do you know whether BPs have any reasons of why that name was chosen? Have social workers done the risk assessment of being found, is there any proposal of direct contact, does the name have significant meaning for BPs? I think that might shape my choices in your situation. If we are talking from Norse/Viking mythology, it could be a nod to northern heritage, although I know those names are popular now. It might represent a specific film they saw with a loved one, or even just think sounds beautiful to them. Alternatively it might represent a connection to a certain class or heritage, and by the sounds of it you recognise it is maybe not such a middle class name. But a working class heritage is not to be ignored, and could be quite significant to the child later on.

To me, my discomfort with a name I wouldn't have chosen myself is something I would bear rather than the burden of my child knowing that I had deliberately changed a part of them and their history for them to seem more palletable to other people/myself. Personally, I would try not to prioritise what other people think, it is a connection to BPs that isn't a strangers right to give or take away. They aren't the ones that will have to reckon with the disconnect in the future. As other people have noted, lots of older adoptees talk about the significance of name changes, and I haven't found many that have felt like it was an affirming act in the long run. It may be easier in the short run, but it also positions you and BPs as diametrically opposed- obviously they generally didn't make great choices, but overall, I would say the naming of a child is pretty sacrosanct. Rarely is it done lightly, and our social worker hit the nail on the head when she noted to us that often parents have to grieve the potential names of children they might have given birth to as part of their acceptance of the realities of adoption. Many people hold in their heads that their child will be a certain type of person because of the name they give them. We expect different things from a Chardonnay than an Olivia. By accepting a child with a name you wouldn't have chosen, fully, openly, being proud of it for them, in many ways you are signifying you are open and proud about their history and story, not backing down from the difficult bits or refusing to acknowledge that they might have difficulty fitting in but working with them. It's symbolic, and so I can see why your social worker is querying it.

However.

The cohesiveness of them into your family unit and social context needs to be acknowledged too. For example you could also consider the sibling bond and how it would affect them too- it could be quite othering for the child to have 2 called Sarah and James and then another called, for example, Superman. They might resent it later on, especially if they have issues with being teased or even the burden of having to be extra careful about being found online in comparison to their siblings.

There may be some space for middle names here- there's many a child who uses a middle name as a known as, or alternatively have nods to heritage names in the middle. My nephew has 4 middle names, referencing various grandparents, which some may describe as overkill until I remember that ours have 2 middle names incorporating their originals, and a double barrel surname. None of them go together, or really make sense as a cohesive set of names, and there are loads of them, but who is counting? Loads of kids have go by names, and it's easier to say oh I go by my middle name, than I go by a name I don't even have.

There is also the potential nicknames- Loki could be shortened or lengthened into a cute family name. I initially thought my kids names would be shortened to one thing (we had it planned and everything), but as it happens I apparently call them anything that makes my brain happy and that sticks at the moment. Loki could be Loks, Kiki, Ky, Ki, Lolo, Lola, Lokiboy, Li, Liam. One might stick. But also it might not, and you would have to be at peace with that.

There's lots of books you can get for kids who have unusual names to support them (my name is a song comes to mind). And I would be more inclined to think that the most important thing (barring safety), would be to demonstrate to your child that you accepted all parts of them, including the name they were given, but acknowledge they might feel differently and want to change it later on, which you can support at whatever age by amending by deed poll. We have told ours we love all their names because they are special to who they are and have meanings to their life story but if they ever want to drop or change them, we don't mind. So far they don't give a shit because they are far too busy being a pair of clowns, but one day they might decide they want to drop or change the names we gave them, or that BPs gave them. It will sting if they reject 'our' names, but that's precisely the reason we kept their original middle names in. We didn't want them to feel the sting that we didn't like their names.

Finally, you also do just get used to a name. It's amazing how sometimes things just sort of become the norm. Sometimes people do just name their kids unusual stuff. I reckon there is many a Danaerys who will be going by Danni in a few years time, or even who just rock the name. Some kids just fit with a quirky name. And if you are in a rural area, realistically how often will they have to explain it? They will grow up with these kids forever and they will honestly just be used to it. Maybe it might be noted once or twice when a substitute teacher comes in, but in general if the only thing that is specifically notable to the local community about your kid is their name, you will be lucky indeed.

On the whole, I'm team shoot em all let God decide- I would keep the name in at least some respect and let the kid decide when they are older, and nature take it's course with whatever nicknames eventually evolve.

Arran2024 · 22/01/2025 09:28

I knew some pretty upper middle class adopters who kept their children's birth names, even though they didn't fit in their social circles.

Thing is, the children all had huge challenges - it was pretty clear that something was different about them, regardless of name.

I know others who did change the names. These kids had huge challenges too.

We can't always get the perfect family set up we would like. Adoption is supposed to be about parenting a child who needs a family. I'm not convinced it is ethical to change the name, because doing so goes to the very heart of the complications in adoption, that we are parenting a child who has am identity completely separate from ours.

What I'm saying is we have to accept all the parts of our children, including the parts we don't like. And accepting their name is imo just the first example of that.

I have known adopted kids named after Disney characters, after pop stars. It takes guts to keep the name but it is something parents can be proud they did.

Ted27 · 22/01/2025 10:19

I suppose there is a point where you have to draw a line though, where does unusual become totally ridiculous and unfair to the child
Then there are cultural issues. There is an athlete called Success, which personally I think must be a lot to live up to, but those types of names are fairly common in some cultures so wouldn't stand out.
You look at some what some celebreties call their kids but those children will never have to earn a living and will grow up in an environment where they dont stand out.
But I magine most of us wouldn't wouldnt want their child to try and get through school and life called Godzilla, Batman or Snow White

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/01/2025 12:37

I suppose there is a point where you have to draw a line though, where does unusual become totally ridiculous and unfair to the child

I think this is a good point. I’m generally a proponent of keeping the child’s name, or as close a fit as possible but the child also needs to be able to live their lives without having to constantly correct an unusual spelling or explain (or endure teasing about) their name. There’s a need to be pragmatic when thinking about how a particular child fits with an existing family and how they/the family might deal with questions or issues.

rabblenotrebel · 22/01/2025 13:01

Names is such a difficult topic. I would always keep the names in somewhere. There are those who are very polarised in their views on whether a name IS an identity, I'm middling, and think names can form part of our identity. Everyone's identity changes on adoption- not least, the parents become "mum" or "dad", often for the first time. People carry many names through their lives- a grandparent might always call a child "twinkletoes" shortened to "twinky", friends might call them "Boz" because that's their nickname, and no one remembers where it came from.

Some BPs choose very unusual/unique names if adoption is likely the plan, to aid getting unscheduled contact in the future. This can be challenging, and risky.

I doubt any baby boy would identify as "Satan" for example, or "Adolf". I think identity is so much more complex than what one of their (potentially many) parents decides on one day.

I found social workers much more accepting of name changes than I expected. I've been surprised how much it's mattered to the kids that their names fit culturally with the rest of the family.

Post adoption order, you can decide. I wouldn't argue too much with a very black and white social worker, though.

rabblenotrebel · 22/01/2025 13:13

Lemn Sissay writes beautifully on this. Obviously, he had a really poor experience of adoption/long term fostering, and the system. To have kept his name, even if he'd had "Norman" or "Mark" added to it, could have helped.

Names change. "Mr Reeves" in the old folks home who is called "George" every day by his carers now answers to that. But he was really known by his middle name, Tom through childhood, and as "Tiddler" in adulthood, as a joke about him being really tall. But now, it's "do you want a biscuit, George?"

Identity is way too complex to be just a name.

See what he's like... Four weeks in, you might realise he's a Loki, and could only ever be a Loki. Or he might be Luke.

AliceMcK · 22/01/2025 13:15

I think you are doing the right thing op. Children are named by their parents, you are now this child’s parent so should be allowed to name him.

There are several foster & adopted children in my DDs small school, you can absolutely tell by their names the ones that are looked after. One family has children, let’s call them Billy, Sarah, Lily and Tinkerbell, guess which one is the foster child? There are also siblings, like your situation, have now been adopted by the foster parents, I think it would be very late in the day to do name change, their photos are not allowed to be published but names are not blanked out on things like newsletters, it would be really easy I believe to track them down, think along the lines of one being called Harley and the other Quinn, not uncommon or terrible but together very 🤨 and would be easy to identify.

I think new family new start new name is a very good idea.

Ted27 · 22/01/2025 13:32

@rabblenotrebel

I'm a huge fan of Lemn Sissay.

I remember growing up we had neighbours who were was a mixed race family, single mum. The boys had what we would now see as faintly common Indian names. Mum remarried to a white man and they're names we're changed to Chris and Ray.

I would hope we have moved on from that.

My son also has an African name, it would have been unthinkable to change it.

But these are very different to a child being saddled with Tinkerbell as a name.

I wonder how Bob Geldofs children would have navigated life if they had been living in a 'normal 'environment. And of course David Bowie's son Zowie is known as Duncan

Catterpillarsflipflops · 22/01/2025 19:35

Haha Tinkerbell was the name that we changed to Bella!

Thank you all for your thoughtful reflections.

It's interesting that a lot of you are swaying to their identity with their birth family and not their identity with their parents/ community/ friends.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 22/01/2025 19:39

That’s not what I’m reading. People are, rightly, pointing out it’s not just a name but most are also saying they’d change a name for reasons of safety, to avoid problems with unplanned contact or bullying.

Catterpillarsflipflops · 22/01/2025 19:57

I really do appreciate all of the thoughtful and insightful feedback from everyone. It's helping us make sire we are making the right decisions for him.

I can't wait to get him home now.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 22/01/2025 20:15

@Catterpillarsflipflops

Tinkerbell !!
Well I think you managed to retain the spirit of her name

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/01/2025 20:20

And honestly, I would have changed Tinkerbell too, far too easily traced and the child deserves not to go through life with Peter Pan references.

vjg13 · 22/01/2025 20:41

Lemn Sissay writes beautifully on this. Obviously, he had a really poor experience of adoption/long term fostering, and the system. To have kept his name, even if he'd had "Norman" or "Mark" added to it, could have helped.

I'm an adoptee who had my names changed and would love to have kept my original names. My adopted sibling did keep one of the names but in a different order.

rabblenotrebel · 22/01/2025 20:45

@vjg13

Of course as an adult, you can call yourself what you like!

Dithercats · 22/01/2025 21:43

I changed all of mine, mostly for safety.... birth parents who have lots of children removed know that it's easier to find if the child has a uuneek name and if you have several it's even easier.
But also out of kindness and compassion for my child who has to live with the name.
The adoption paperwork asks what the child will be called, write it on there, there is nothing social services can do. It's your decision.

Arran2024 · 22/01/2025 22:16

Catterpillarsflipflops · 22/01/2025 19:35

Haha Tinkerbell was the name that we changed to Bella!

Thank you all for your thoughtful reflections.

It's interesting that a lot of you are swaying to their identity with their birth family and not their identity with their parents/ community/ friends.

I don't think it's their identity with their birth family - I think it is about who they fundamentally believe themselves to be.

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