Name change

[Catterpillarsflipflops]

We have two children 2&4 years old. Birth siblings.

One came to us with a highly unusual name but it is a real name. The other had a made up name with a funky spelling so we used part of it to create a real name.

We have just been approached to have the new sibling which we want to do. He's 2 months old. He has a charector name. Imagine a Loki type name. I plan to change it to say Louis from Loki.

Social worker is very unhappy that they just learnt that we changed the second ones name. We have been told we aren't allowed to change his. However, honestly, we live in a nice middle class area. Kids at a nice school. If he is called Loki then its obvious we didn't name him and the kids secret is out. No one know our kids are adopted. We live rural so no one would really know I hadn't been pregnant.

In my opinion they are my kids so I get to name them once the adoption order is through? Do I just pretend to call him Loki then dead poll change it?

Slightly different perspective here: We changed the name of one of our children at the recommendation of social workers. She was an older adoptee and can remember her old name. She is an adult now and it has ever been an issue.

I don't believe in the narrative that the name is the only thing given to the child by their birth family. The child looks like the birth family, they inherit character traits, talents, their entire DNA.

To be clear, I am not for light-hearted name changes. We anglicised my daughter's birth name, so the meaning remained the same, and that has helped explain the name change to her. However, I know several families who kept birth names and, many years on, still struggle with those names. They are frequently asked why they gave their child this name and people think they have misheard because there is such a mismatch between the family's social background and the child's name. As a result, the families avoid calling the child by their birth name and instead always use nicknames. I doubt that those are positive experiences for the children and this also needs to be considered.

Birth parents give children a whole lot more than a name. Always. They give their DNA, which determines skin, eye and hair colour. etc.

The birth mum gives the invitro experiences and if the child spends any time with birth family, they give those initial experiences etc.

Personally, I think you should do what is right for the child, but you may need to agree to keep the name for now if social workers are making a point of it.

We kept our son's birth name. I know a lot of people do.

This makes sense.

I have not obtained my original birth certificate. My adoption records say 'Baby Girl [birth mother's surname]' on them. It feels weird he didn't bother to name me but I found out that her second daughter [kept] has my first name as a middle name and her youngest daughter [kept] has my name as a first name. I have no idea if the adoption agency shared my name with her.

All of this said: I'd change a 2 month oldest first name. LOKI isn't that bad, it can be a middle name. Could be much worse.

I'm more worried about what the OP is saying about the narrative around the adoption.

How nice the siblings can grow up together.

Changing Tinkerbelle to Bella is totally fine, for goodness sake!

Loki isn't his real name. It was an example of what its like. Its mire way out than that!

Why am I otherwise alarming you?

My kids have a great life. I fiercely love them. I have letterbox contact with birth family and face to face contact with siblings that don't live with us.

My kids know their story. I just feel that I have the right to change my children's names when they are going to mark them as different and have to explain why they are different.

If they want to share their adoption story that's wonderful as long as it's on their terms and not because they are called Ziggy, Tinkerbell, & Loki ( * Not really names but close enough for you to get the gist).

Their identity comes from birth family but also identifying with our family, their neighbours, class mates and friends from hobbies.

I also don't believe looking at the names of our kids and the siblings that they are sentimental. Birth Mum. Speeds a lot of time watching TV and films (known from failed Mum and baby placement & her sharing info with social workers.) So all the kids have names like Kaleesi, Renesmee, Loki, Arya, Xavier....

"No one know our kids are adopted."

As an adopted person myself, this worries me. It's not about the name, which I said in a later post. I would have changed it too, in your circs.

I have always been open with people about being adopted any my mother would say, from time to time, "Everyone knows you're adopted."

Yes, and why is that suddenly a problem? She would prefer I didn't say but it was also sort of gauged in why do you FEEL you need to say. Because it isn't a secret? Because there's no reason not to.

Because they are 2 & 4. When they are old enough to decide what they want to share of their lives they absolutely can.

Also, people gossip. I can protect my children's identities better for now if there is no reason to discuss them.

They ate just boring old regular kids. My kids. Adoption to me is just incidental to them, it's how they arrived in our family. Not a secret, no shame, spoken openly about, not a big deal either.

Also plenty of people know they are adopted. It just never crops up in preschool conversations so I've never volunteered the information.

This is beyond cruel. They're a human being not a dog. Let the child go to a family that are less pretentious, or maybe you change your name to match theirs. So the big "secret" doesn't get out

@Catterpillarsflipflops - I honestly just wanted to give you some things to consider based on my lived experience of 50 odd years and some of the language I'm reading here in your posts.

"Adoption to me is just incidental to them, it's how they arrived in our family." I'm sure they will be very bonded to you - as I am to my adoptive family (I have met my birth family, they are not my 'real' family in any sense whatsoever.) But despite this, adoption is never 'incidental' to an adoptee. Careful of that sort of thinking/language.

And this: "We live rural so no one would really know I hadn't been pregnant." I'm sorry but it stood out.

I don't get what you think people might 'gossip' about? Is it gossip about you you're worried about? I do feel that in particular adoptive mums are very sensitive about this. For example, until I went to university it never crossed my mind that I didn't look like my parents. If someone asked me, I would say I did. My first day of college someone did actually ask me why I didn't look like either of them, for the very first time. I was just surprised but I was like, whatever, I'm adopted. Washed over me. My mum - not so much. She's also very sensitive around Mother's Day, hasn't told her friends that I didn't grow up around I'm adopted because I think because I don't live in my country of origin any more she will feel it's a measure of our relationship. Nevertheless, people seem to know not to ask about her 'birth story' at baby showers (she says even in their 80s her friends are still telling their stories.) So many examples of concern around "what people might think" from her but honestly it's her own anxiety that has gone unresolved. I can't reassure her either - I've tried and it doesn't work.

I honestly don't know what you have in mind here but your kids will not be worried about gossip about themselves.

No one is going to ask: "Are your kids adopted?" so it won't 'crop up' at nursery either. I hope you do feel able to speak openly about it.

Having them 'wait' until they're older means they may never develop the language to speak freely about it. They need you to model that for them.

I'm sorry if you feel attacked. That's not my intention.

My younger daughter has never been happy to be known as adopted. She is 25 now and basically hardly anyone who knows her as an adult knows. She hasn't told anyone at work for example and she would be furious if they found out.

This is the thing about adoption - so many different experiences.

Just to say thanks for this, given me some things to think about. I've been thinking about how to navigate this, specifically with other parents at school - keeping quiet about adoption so it can be my children's decision whether/when they tell their school friends, without coming across as secretive or ashamed about it. I can often tell when I speak to other parents, those who have no idea and those who do. We're two mums which will make it more obvious for anyone who has adoption, or just different types of families, on their radar. I'm conscious that a hetero parent family can fly under the radar more easily, and also that a two dad family can't. There's a strong narrative around letting the children decide who and what they tell about their life story. But following some recent conversations I've been wondering about how helpful it really is not even to mention adoption casually at an appropriate moment to another parent when I'm sure they've assumed our children are adopted - I don't want it to seem like we're hiding something.

I think as long as you create an environment from an early age where no question about their background/adoption is forbidden from the child, no topic is off-limits, and the information is private but not a secret or something you are uncomfortable about that is fine.

It sounds easier to implement than it is.

I wish my mother had had a better support system as an adoptive mum as I think would have benefitted from it.

I think this is well-intentioned: "There's a strong narrative around letting the children decide who and what they tell about their life story."

But potentially problematic if the children haven't, over time, developed a language to build that narrative. For example, if this means the parents tell them once (or it comes up sporadically) with the idea that once they're adults it's over to them, so to speak, this may not work well.

I need to process this a bit more myself, tbh, to explain what I mean better.

I'm glad you found it helpful.

I mean for it to be. I truly believe I was meant to be with my adoptive family, I am not at all at odds with adoptive parents. I have a lot of sympathy with how much harder it must be today and I don't support the current thoughts around birth family contact at a young age.

@Arran2024 why is your daughter so uncomfortable with people knowing she's adopted? Is she afraid her birth family might be able to identify her, for example? I must admit this is not an angle that is a key feature from adoptees from my era, the way it is today.

I've been wondering about how helpful it really is not even to mention adoption casually at an appropriate moment to another parent when I'm sure they've assumed our children are adopted - I don't want it to seem like we're hiding something.

@Confusernme the key thing to remember is who the audience is that matters: it's not external 'people', as in other parents. That is none of their business how your children came to be your kids. You don't want your kids to feel you're hiding something from others. This is your priority focus.

My parents had other friends when I was growing up who happened to also have adopted children. So they were around, which looking back probably helped to normalise my situation. It wasn't a formal network in any way.

One thing you could consider if you don't already is having a bit of a network so your child is naturally developing contacts and friends in a similar situation?

If you think about the right set up/environment the discussions may happen organically?

One of my children never volunteers that they're adopted. They have learning difficulties, and I think it's just a very black and white "I have a mum, why does anyone need to know it's by adoption?"

However, when they're also happy to talk about foster care, or that they have FASD, it can feel a bit awkward not chipping in with "they are adopted!" But I stop myself, because it's their story, not mine, to tell.

I know they have the language, though, and we talk freely about adoption. Private, not secret.

She hates being adopted. She always says "I'm not adopted" to us. She considers herself 100% part of our family. She detests everything about her birth family, about being adopted, even the part of the country she comes from.

This did not come from me. We tried our hardest to keep connections going when we adopted her and her sister. We stayed in touch with the foster mother, we booked a weekend in a hotel to visit her and the area every year, we had the life story books out regularly, we had an evening ritual where we lit a candle for her birth parents and sisters. She had loads of therapy over the years and birth family often featured.

And she has never wavered.

When her sister turned 18, she wanted to reconnect with birth family so I approached social services to organise this and we ended up meeting half siblings. Younger daughter grudgingly went along with it, mostly to make sure her sister wasn't hurt. And for younger daughter it was a complete disaster and she no longer speaks to the half siblings.

I organised asf therapy to support her with the reunion. She still talks about how angry she got with the therapist whenever he described birth family as her family and tried to get her to reconsider he feelings.

She was nearly 2 when she came to us. This is how she is. She ripped up her life story book as a child (I had taken a copy). I feel like you think I put her off her adoption background but I certainly didn't. Her sister is completely different - really open to info about birth family and her adoption. We tried our best to honour her birth family. I was involved in local adoption groups and sent her to our LA's adoption clubs. She had asf therapy. We used to celebrate their adoption day but had to stop as it made her so angry. She wanted me to stop writing letters about her to birth family from as soon as she realised it was happening. She just won't engage with it at all.

Instead she is forever buying us "family" gifts - plaques, ornaments, pictures, photographs. This is her approach and she won't budge. Even her therapist gave up on the matter - he told me no matter what struggles we had, she always considered us her family.

Honestly I think it's the kids story to tell people and I totally get why you want to let it up to them later on whether they tell people or not. I remember having friends at school and hearing people always add that they were adopted .re the name change if if was something crazy that is going to mark him as different and make him easy to track down as a teenager I would in a heart beat . I would also want him to have a name that 'fits' with his family.

And just to add, my daughter nearly died in her birth family due to severe neglect. No wonder she isn't keen.

Of course that explains a lot!

@OVienna

I think a lot is about other people's and children's reactions to it.
We were always very open about it, given our circumstances it was very obvious. When he was younger my son would tell everyone he was adopted, he was very proud of it. He also often spoke and his dad and brother which could be a bit confusing to people who knew us a single parent one child family. So I would sometimes pre empt the question and just say something like if he talks and X&Y, they are real people and we are an adoptive family. But he would also often be a bit too free with information which really should have been private.

People can be very intrusive. If it was the case that you could just say we're an adoptive family and people would say so what, then it would be OK, but they don't always.

The older my son got, the less he talked about it though. When he went to secondary school I don't think he told anyone for several months, he's at university now and I don't think he's told anyone. And of course when they go to secondary school, as a parent you don't see a lot of other parents so you don't get the questions.
He was teased at school sometimes about being adopted, and sometimes the 'teasing ' was quite cruel, I had to speak to school once and ask them to intervene.
Like most things in adoption, a lot of complex stuff going on.

@Ted27 I'm sorry that happened to your son. I'm curious about why this never happened to me or other adoptees in 'our circle' growing up. Maybe because it didn't happen when I was older? From my reading your posts over the years I understand your son was well into primary school? I mean - I was teased about other things and in the 1970s I don't think people were especially progressive on this topic. If anything, you weren't supposed to say, but we did.

I think my daughter was trolled quite badly by people at primary school by people who did know, so no wonder she doesn't want anyone to know. She went to secondary school, then college, then work, where she didn't know anyone. It was a risk for her to tell people

I knew parents at my girls' schools who avoided us because they knew the girls were adopted. I grew up in the 70s and I remember girls in my school being bullied for being adopted (not by me) but it is one of those things that cruel kids will latch on to. Maybe you were lucky.

Yeah, maybe? This is very far from my experience and the kids I knew growing up.

Are you and your daughter visibly ethnically similar? I did not know any mixed race adoptees which may well be skewing my 'sample' nor children who weren't adopted as babies. I do not know about any of your circumstances on here but I guess it could be different if you're all white, middle class (in a US context) etc etc from a teasing standpoint.

However, in 'my sample' people have had relationship problems and other types of issues as adults which I am not sure aren't attributable to the adoption but that people wouldn't have considered might be, IYSWIM. There was a lot of 'masking' going on - on reflection.