Name change

[Catterpillarsflipflops]

We have two children 2&4 years old. Birth siblings.

One came to us with a highly unusual name but it is a real name. The other had a made up name with a funky spelling so we used part of it to create a real name.

We have just been approached to have the new sibling which we want to do. He's 2 months old. He has a charector name. Imagine a Loki type name. I plan to change it to say Louis from Loki.

Social worker is very unhappy that they just learnt that we changed the second ones name. We have been told we aren't allowed to change his. However, honestly, we live in a nice middle class area. Kids at a nice school. If he is called Loki then its obvious we didn't name him and the kids secret is out. No one know our kids are adopted. We live rural so no one would really know I hadn't been pregnant.

In my opinion they are my kids so I get to name them once the adoption order is through? Do I just pretend to call him Loki then dead poll change it?

Are you American? Here in the UK, most adoption involves older children who were forcibly removed from their birth families due to concerns about their safety. Allxadoption is through the local authority. Mixed race adoption happens but is rare as local authorities try to match racially wherever possible.

So my children are ethnically white, the same as me and my husband. But they came to us at nearly 2 and 3, from an extremely neglectful/abusive birth home. They both nearly died. They had multiple additional needs which made them stand out at school - their names (which we didnt change) are unremarkable but their behaviours were not and people understood that they were different, even if they didn't know they were adopted.

Babies are rarely relinquished here. And if they are it is not straightforward to take one home.

I am originally from the US - yes. I have been in the UK for 30 yrs.

We are talking about two very different adoption eras, it's not as much a geographic thing.

In the era in which I was born in the US, which has come to be called the 'Baby Scoop' period (1946-1972) so-called 'healthy white babies' were readily available and it wasn't hard to even match babies to families that looked like them. This all changed after the legalisation of abortion in 1973. And changing social mores generally. 4 million children were put up for adoption during this period on some estimates. All to do with the 'Sexual Revolution' which didn't work so well for women when they didn't have access to birth control.

It was similar in the UK in terms of babies available during this period of time (I have adult adoptee friends born here too.)

In any case, I'm sure you are all familiar with this.

Now of course in the UK it's completely different and as you describe. It is in the US too with some variation though - there are private adoptions there, evangelical groups have some impact around encouraging women to have their children adopted and not use abortion etc. So I think there may be more babies.

Thanks. So yes, your experience of growing up adopted was in a very different context to my daughters. They weren't relinquished as babies. They were born into a family who neglected them. And people know that adopted children come from these families and some people make horrible assumptions about them as a result. So it can make sense not to mention it.

There's a special place in hell for people who tease a child about their adoption?

To be fair, one of the questions my parents asked the adoption agency was whether my birth mother had been involved in drugs (totally possible, Flower Power) and you are right that there have always been bad connotations about adoptive children. There are studies on this I can't dig out now but along the lines of 'morally corrupt women' have babies 'out of wedlock' and have morally degenerate children. The messaging changes over the generation but you get the gist.

I did not experience that as a thing but I think my birth father may have (also adopted.)

Thank you for sharing your information so kindly and openly.

I'd just hate to think I wasn't doing my best by my children. I try as most Mums do to make the best decisions for them to be safe and happy.

When I said it hasn't cropped up, I mean I don't know the Mums well really so there hadn't been a conversation where you would naturally weave in their adoption.

I'm not scared of gossip from my perspective. I have a fear of people discussing the kids and their names and that they are somehow different. I think too much can be made of adoption. As long as the kids know and feel free to ask anything, beyond that i feel it's best for them to just live their lives.

One of my older daughter's best friends at nursery was a little boy who had been adopted. His mum told me straight away (adoptee radar anyone?!) She was a MASSIVE support to me when I was dealing with contact with my birth father and the fall out from that. I will always be grateful for that - too painful for my own mum and my friend was much better equipped overall to help.

You'll be doing great, seriously.

Adoption is the child's story to tell, not the parents. People only need to know when it is relevant to the child. The child does need to now everything in an age appropriate way.

For this reason we do not tell strangers about our child's birth story and history, unless it is relevant to his needs.

This does not mean adoption is a secret, it is private.