Letterbox

[Brieandcamembert]

Has anyone ever got a response from the birth family years after no replies?

I always send lovely detailed letters and ask questions to try and elicit a response.

No significant literacy issues in either of them. (We did FFA so corresponded via the contact book).

Neither birth parent has ever written back. The complication is they have children adopted across 4 families now. Ours are the youngest. I wonder if it's too much of a task to send 4 letters or if we might one day hear back?

Neither were very motivated during proceedings.

to be brutally honest the answer is probably no!
It all makes you realise why these children were unable to stay in their birth families. There could be many reasons of course but if they really wanted to keep in contact they would.
Our adoptive child's parents have the offer of one face to face contact a year and haven't bothered to respond to any messages or offers of contact since 2019. It is sad but there is nothing you can do.
In your shoes I would just give a factual update once a year and try to forget about it other than that.

I'm sure for some BPs there is indifference.

But for others I am equally sure the task is overwhelming rather than 'can't be bothered'.

Neither of my (young adult) DCs regularly write to BM as part of contact. It isn't laziness, it is not being able to pitch it 'right' to know what to say and what not to say, to open the floodgates to something they may not cope with. For the time being they are happy for me to handle it, though both have expressed an interest in direct contact at some point when fully grown up.

I think it is often a lack of executive functioning - being able to conceive the task in the first place then carry it out. My younger daughter is like this and she is 25 now. She can't even book an eye test. There is no way she could maintain letterbox contact.

My girls' birth mother rarely wrote. She needed sw help and I don't quite know what happened, but it all tailed off. Anyway, when our eldest was approaching 18 or was it 21, we were contacted by letterbox to say it would be stopping - i was still sending letters three times a year to birth mum and to some half siblings, who did respond - and so I asked if they would make a last chance effort with birth mum. They did but she never responded. By this time she was not communicating with the half siblings either. They had gone into foster care and she had contact, but she lost interest. The half siblings say that she is not interested in any of her children, just her boyfriends. Sad.

We have not received letters in years, but one birth parent contacted social workers after years of no contact and asked for copies of all the letters to be send to them, so there was clearly an interest. Another birth parent gave up writing to me after a few years but is in sm contact with my child and several siblings.

I think the situation usually is much more complex than "cannot be bothered". I don't think it is helpful for adopters, birth parents or children to frame it like that.

Letterbox is a reminder of a highly traumatic event. Birth parents are writing to strangers who have been deemed more capable than them by social services and the judiciary. That is a tough ask. Many adopters find writing letterbox letters challenging even though most adopters are well-educated and are living lives that are reasonably stable and functioning.

Birth parents are mostly severaly traumatised people to start with, mostly with little education, poor emotional regulation and low executive functioning. Few of them have much practice in writing texts. Many remain in challenging circumstances. It might just be too painful or their circumstances are too challenging.

We got a reply this year after not having one the first two year. I’m not sure if we will get another, but it was good to have one letter which expressed that the lack of contact before hand was not due to lack of thought, but because the situation was difficult and painful.

Hi sorry to hijack the thread, but in a similar position where birth parents don’t and unlikely in the future to reply.

im asking a sincere question. What is the benefit to my lo to continue the letters?

Others in a similar position but further down the line, if you continued to send letters year after year and never got a reply, what benefits did ur children get from it.

I agreed that they didn’t need to send full letters, I would accept a greeting card, but it needed to say a little bit more that to x from x bit even that didn’t happen. Bm wanted direct contact and I said that at this time it’s not in lo best interest but I’m happy to reassess at a later date, and I know that not writing the letters isn’t going to stop the channel of communication at a later date as bm will snap up an opportunity to reconnect in direct contact at a later date,

(I’m not anti letters my oldest daughter I send two long handwritten letters, usually on a lovely writing paper to make it feel more personal and get back two letters a year, and can greatly see the benefit of the link to her family)

but yes currently I fail to see the benefit of writing them long informed letters with lots of details about lo life, can anyone show me the light?

My understanding of letterbox is that it is supposed to be adult to adult, not something that directly involves the children.
I would qualify that for children older at adoption who have an existing relationship with the family member that they wish to maintain.
So my son was nearly 8 and saw his dad and brother every week end. I thought it was in his best interests to attempt to maintain the relationship. As it happens we agreed direct contact. It was OK for the first year, I have bent over backwards to facilitate contact and got very little back from dad. I don't think its because he can't be bothered. I've met him on a number of occasions, the first time after the move I saw a man broken at the loss of his child, consumed by guilt and regret. So while I got a whole host of excuses - the car broke down, the train was cancelled, I lost the address etc etc I feel his mental health was at the heart of it. So I tried very hard for years to keep it going but kept my son out if it so he wasn't disappointed when dad didn't make the expected phone call or turn up for the visit.

I understand on an emotional level why adopters get stressed about letterbox , but I don't understand why they then tie themselves in knots over it. Just keep it simple - they are doing well at school, favorite subject is maths, they go to dance/cubs/rainbows or whatever club. We had a great time on our seaside holiday. Like watching cartoons on TV. No need for loads of detail - just enough to give a flavour of their lives.
Involving the children in my view is in most cases setting them up for disappointment.
Even if family don't reply, I think the value in maintaining our side of the contact bargain lies in the future.

Children very often become curious in the teenage years, I think its easier to manage all of that if you have some relationship, however slight, with the birth family.
I've had to have some very frank conversations with a birth aunt and dad. They may not have liked it but it was my job to put my son's mental health and interests first. He is now 20, the issue of contact is difficult, his dad has his details but chooses not to engage. And I can't be accused of blocking any contact.
My son is happy, healthy and doing well and I think just doesn't want to be dragged into his dad's drama. So at the moment, virtually no contact but the door is open.

I continued the letters because I said I would do it and I didn't want anyone blaming me for anything.

It did get tricky as my younger daughter objected to me doing it, but my older daughter (they are full sisters) wanted it to continue.

I kept it pretty vague. Holidays mostly plus a pic.

We got replies every time from half siblings, who would chase if they didn't get anything ( they found a pile of my letters stuffed in a drawer when they complained). Birth father was subsequently convicted of a schedule A offence and he was no longer allowed to write.

My children were not ready to let go, so I continued even when we did not get any letters back. I felt a lot of compassion for the birth family, no matter what they have done. They have never had a chance and then lost all their children, while I have everything. I feel the least I could do, was write to them once a year and update them.

Another point is that in the birth family our eldest was scapegoated by the birth mother, who seems to have never taken to her. She was looked after by birth dad and all the paperwork mentions how uninterested birth mum was in her.

Our eldest absolutely knows this in her bones, even though she was only 2 when removed.

So she has always wanted / yearned for sth from birth mum, which was never forthcoming.

And when birth mum did write letters, she only ever expressed interest in our younger daughter - she even made barbed comments about our eldest.

It was clear that the old dynamics were still in play.

So I wasn't too upset when she stopped writing. It is hard for eldest as she has never gotten what she wants from bm in terms of love, interest, attention, apology.

Yes sometimes birth parents will write back even after years of nothing. Please keep writing. Even when there is no response, the letters are usually being read. In this way it still maintains a link and when your child is older you will be able to say you kept going with it.

not being argumentative I promise, trying to figure it all out in my own brain. The notion of being able to tell them I kept doing it, feels like I will be telling her I tried and tried and tried 2 times a year, every year, and they rejected you each time they didn’t reply. (This wouldn’t be my narrative, but based on what I know about my lo its likely
to be her take on it at a later date)

yes, it’s hard for them to write, but
People do hard things for other people they love, they are also amazing charities and support out there that help bp write letters.

my child feels so much rejection, she perceives most of life though the lens that other people are rejecting her, and I dread the day that she asks why her older daughter gets 3 page long letters from her bp and she gets nothing.

I will continue to write them until she wants me to stop, but I also think it’s ok to say I stopped because it’s what I thought was best for you.

@Littlebitoflove1234 I hear you. We write to a large number of people. None of whom have signed the agreement so we are just sending letters twice yearly into a black hole.
Whilst I appreciate the difficulties of the birth family and that of course one day the situation may change currently I’m really struggling to know how I’m supposed to explain the situation to my LO.

I remember asking the SW when we signed the agreement if it would be acceptable to write once a year until something was signed on the birth families side. She replied saying ‘well how are
you going to explain that to LO when they are older’ - to be honest out of all the things I have to explain that one feels the most straight forward.

Yes, we've taken letterbox from twice a year to annual, given no reply. I feel I can explain that quite well.

We start out writing to one set of grandparents. They never replied and it was upsetting DD1. So we wrote one last time saying if we don't hear that you would like us to continue we will stop, then stopped.

Letterbox contact is a two-way agreement. If my children’s birth parents didn’t make the effort to write back each year, as I do, I would consider stopping the letters. If the adoption agency asked, I’d explain that I would resume once there’s a response. If birth parents aren’t showing interest in staying connected, I don’t see the value in continuing to share personal information. Remember, you are their real parents.

Birth sibling here, I would actually suggest putting your email (you can make a nee email for this) and suggesting something similar to "if replying is difficult I'd be happy to speak on email".

I can only speak from my experience. I was put into the care of grandparents and saw my mum 1-4 times a year but my siblings were all adopted. I didn't know they existed and so never received any letters. When I finally found out about them at 15, I had to go through 6 SW before they agree to contact the families to see if they would be open to letterbox. For years after, I received letters from one family and would read them daily but didn't know what to reply and so never did. As a 15 year old I had no idea what to write to someone else's parents and was worried if I wrote about myself it would come across as vain but I wasn't sure if I was allowed to write about my family or friends. It wasn't until my sibling's parent suggested emailing at the end of their letter, I then responded and said I was sorry I hadn't written back but I didn't know what to write. We then spoke over email for a while before the mum and I met up for coffee. What was very clear is that they knew a lot about me from the life story book and contact with SW, whereas I didn't even know their names which made it even more daunting.

For my mum however, she has severe mental health issues and I know she would find writing letter back too traumatising because my siblings were taken away against her will. So I don't think she'll ever write a letter or meet them.

If possible it might be better to try writing to other members of the family such as siblings or even grandparents. I feel like you're more likely to get a response from them.

I’m a birth parent as a lot of you may know.

I would say that contact is not only emotionally draining but actually ensuring it is received and you receive yours is a battle in itself. It takes on average about 2 months of multiple emails/calls to receive my letter. There have been more than one occasion where the letter hasn’t reached my sons parents until months later and in one case it wasn’t actually until I chased my letter and they came back and said they hadn’t received last years from me. The system is complex and difficult to navigate. Letterbox coordinators change all the time and finding who is now responsible can be almost impossible. For some birth parents this is just too traumatic, they don’t have the mental capacity or their lifestyle is too chaotic to allow this.

The LA we adopted through originally had a letter box coordinator but they got rid of the post and made it part of the job of the duty social worker. The half siblings weren't receiving our letters, which I was sending 3 times a year. One of them went into the office and made them look - they found 2 years' worth in a drawer! Meanwhile, I asked if they could send the letters to us in an enveloped not stamped with their social services Frankmark on it. No they couldn't, even though it was causing huge problems at our end if my eldest saw the envelope come through the post (birth mum wasn't very nice to her and her letters, which came rarely tbf, were completely inappropriate, so I didn't want to open the envelope in front of her). So I got them to send it all to my LA, who were happy to send them on in an unfranked envelope!

Letterbox admin advised us neither parent had returned the paperwork so none of the letters had even been sent/read. We stopped engaging with it at that point.

"Remember, you are their real parents." that's ownership. You're a parent by adoption and their bio parents are important. Please don't do that. Try some compassion.

Many natural parents haven't the same levels of education or perhaps advantages as most adopted parents will have had. Many have addiction or mental health issues. Both are illnesses. Some may find it just too difficult. Remember you choose to adopt therfore you should follow letterbox contact even if you get no response. It's something some bio parents look forward to,even if they aren't able to respond to it for whatever reason. Only by doing this can, I believe, as an adoptee, can you have a clear conscience re letterbox contact. As the saying goes 'two wrongs don't make a right'.

I can second this. I know for a fact that my BS family wrote letters every year but I only got about 4 after having to push for them. To this day they still haven't found those missing letters.

We used to write 3 letters a year. We had responses for the first 18 months, then they stopped. For the last 2 years the letterbox coordinator has advised us to just write once a year. Not sure what happened but we’ll continue to do the yearly letters for our LOs sake.

I wrote three times every year. Half siblings wrote to us, birth father was stopped from having any contact due to serious offending, and birth mother wrote sporadically and inappropriately then stopped. Anyway, my younger daughter started to get really angry that I was writing and telling birth mother stuff about her. It became a huge issue as I felt that I had agreed to write and should write and she didn't want me to.

I think that if you imagine having a child taken away from you, for reasons you do not understand, and the terrible pain and confusion that would bring, then that might provide some insight. Levels of literacy in the UK have also been shocking for a quite along time. And we all laugh about the way genz communicates but in all seriousness who from the younger generation writes letters nowadays?

I think that the concept of letterbox is entirely wrong, and that direct contact if at all possible is better for the mental health of the children, but if letterbox is all you have agreed to or is all there is on the table it is your responsiblility to keep it going, to the letter. There is not excuse not too.

Things might change for the birth families in the future, and if so the letters will be of use if they try to do letterbox at that time. If there is direct contact at any time in the future, the more the birth family knows about the child the better for the child, the less traumatic it would be for the child as there would be at least something known about them.