You amazing humans

[imverynosey]

I somehow ended up on the adoption forum section of this website and it was an eye opener to me. It struck me
How incredibly cruel life is for some. For some innocent babies and children who never asked to be born into such shit.

Well thank god for people like yourselves who are making a difference and quite literally saving lives. Where on earth would this planet be without people like you? So I wanted to say thank you and what commendable humans you all are. Heaven has a special place for you guys

Oh and I suppose after just having had a six week old baby girl (birth child) I'm feeling extra sensitive to these topics x

Thanks but we are just normal parents with normal worries - are we doing the right thing by our children? Are we enough? The real amazing humans are our children. They are truly phenomenal and yet it is rarely recognised by society (apart from us of course!). Here is our thread recognising their awesomeness:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/adoptions/4343017-Good-News

Urm, thanks... But no. We're not amazing. Normal humans with normal human needs, frustrations, weaknesses.

Our children are amazing, and we do our very best to provide what they deserve.

It's actually really unhelpful to portray adopters as some kind of super human angels.

Oh for god sake get a grip lol. I was saying something nice. I meant no disrespect bloody hell

I shall take a read of this thank you very much yes you are right the children ARE amazing and so undeserving of what has happened to them x

Thank you. Being an adoptive parent is incredibly challenging, speaking from 17 years experience.
Yes we are just normal humans but from my experience of adoptive parenting we have to have super human strength and resilience to be anywhere near good enough to meet the emotional needs of our children. It's ok to say actually yes it is bloody hard work and it's important to recognise that.

This is lovely to hear I haven't offended everyone. Whether people believe it or not. Adoptive parents are amazing and I can imagine it is extremely hard work but rewarding too x

I think the "you're amazing" rhetoric can be used to absolve society of its obligations- it's ok, amazing people can do it, I don't have to. It also reduces support (why do you need support? You signed up to be amazing.) It also silences being able to talk about the challenges (amazing people don't moan!)

I'm not amazing. School and social services tell me I'm amazing, so they get out of providing the services they should be providing.

Remember covid? And the nurses and junior doctors? It turns out clapping and banging pans didn't make them feel better about their crap working conditions. Because the public soon turn when they realise that being told you're an amazing angel doesn't stop you being human.

Well, same here.

My children? Yes. They're amazing.

Me? I need everyone else to do their fucking jobs, not tell me I can cope, because "you are amazing!"

Sorry to rain on your parade of benevolent praise. But I don't need you to think I'm amazing. I need you to lobby your MP for more special school places, to ensure the continuation of the adoption support fund, and greater support for children in care.

@imverynosey I took your post in the way it was meant, no offence meant. However, I feel the need to explain a little (and again, I don’t mean to cause offence). I am a parent of both a birth child and an adopted child. Yes, parenting my adopted child is so much harder. You have all the same worries but so many more (is this happening because of trauma? What do I not know? Will they hate me for taking them from birth family? How will this affect development? Chronological they are this age but developmentally so much younger, why etc). Our children have additional needs because of their trauma. Society doesn’t recognise this but will say it’s because they are adopted (adoption is a trauma but there is so much more to it. Saying it’s because they are adopted is too simple). Also, it affects everyone differently. Add in potentially other neurodiversity and it becomes more complex.

focusing on the adoption (adoptive parents are amazing)comes across as “how can you parent a child who isn’t biologically yours?” That’s easy, in terms of my children are my children regardless of biology. Parenting a child with significant trauma can be incredibly difficult. Just reading through some of these threads tells you so. Our threads are sometimes similar to the other parts of mumsnet, sometimes they are completely unique due to adoption or trauma.

I think your post raises an interesting discussion around adoption and the different posts so far shows that. Our posts don’t come up on active because what works for a neurotypical child without trauma maybe the worst suggestion for our kids. My wish for my adopted child is that he will be seen for who he is without the adopted label. He is my son and I’m his mum.

Well said! Our children are amazing despite being let down by society time and time
again. It’s all fine now. They are adopted. Let the adoptive parents deal with it all because that’s what they signed up for right? Serves them right! (I mean that tongue in cheek. I’ll do anything for my children).

@imverynosey

I'm afraid you stumbled into a very sensitive area for adopters.
I will take your message as intended. Thank you. I do think that the work of adopters should be recognised more, as should parents of children with other types of additional need

But no adopter really likes this idea of us as super human angels who rescued our children.
We are, at the end of the day, just people who wanted to be mums and dads, we are fallible human beings, stumbling around in a sea of inadequate services, trying to do the best for our kids. Sometimes we get it wrong, but like any other parent we do our best with the hand we have been dealt.
We all go into adoption with hearts full of hope but the reality is we don't skip off into golden sunsets.
Some of us are fare better than others. I have been incredibly lucky in the support I was able to access and having fabulous schools. Others find getting that support far, far, more difficult.
But we are just ordinary people doing a difficult thing. And it really is our children who are amazing. They are the survivors and they are all utterly fabulous

Well said. If I had a pound for every school or social services platitudes I'd be very rich! I don't want their platitudes I want them to listen to me and provide me and my children with the stuff I ask for!

Jesus I bet you are fun at parties. Always one I guess. PS.. I am a nurse

It was literally an outsiders perspective. No harm meant at all

I'll take it, I am amazing. Thank you for saying that, I needed it. That doesn't mean I don't need support (urgently and lots of it!) and it doesn't mean that my children aren't amazing and it doesn't mean I am perfect.

And no, I am not a normal parent with normal worries. That is minimising what I am dealing with and very unhelpful. That is exactly the problem: that people lack imagination of how difficult and hard things can get. I am not even on the same playing field as most birth parents. How many birth parents have been to A&E countless times in the past year? This is a public forum so I am not going to go into detail but I am amazing and I need to be!

In my view, adopters are special people. Risk-takers, but not the boring drivers-of-fast-cars kind, but the how-much-can-I-take? type. Empathetic fighters. I very much hope I am making a difference. It is badly needed. Thank you again.

You absolutely ARE making a difference. You are incredible and thank you for not taking it the wrong way as others have.

Jesus, was I not grateful enough for your condescending praise? 🙄

But you said I was amazing. No takesebacksies.

lol I have obviously touched a nerve , sorry :)

@imverynosey the thing with "you're amazing" is that adopters hear it often with various undertones. "You're amazing - loving children that aren't biologically yours,", "You're amazing - taking troubled, damaged children". "You're amazing - did you not want your own child". "You're amazing - you can deal with this, no need for x, y, z support". and on and on.

I am amazing, I love my children (and yes they are "my own"), I fight for them, advocate for them, try to meet their needs, hold hopes and dreams for them. It's very, very hard at times - more than you could imagine - and in my quiet times remind myself that I am in fact amazing. My family and friends who know me and my kids remind me that I'm an amazing mum to them which means the world to me.

Someone in the first flush of motherhood with their newborn can come across as "you're amazing, thank god I didn't come to motherhood that way", which may not be what you mean - I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and thank you for the sentiment.

Ah jelly cat, I suppose it could come across that way but what I actually meant was, I love this human with all my being, and to know that if something happened to me and she needed looking after, that there are people like yourselves out there willing to help her, well that's a relief

@imverynosey

Should anything happen to you would the father not look after his child.

I'm wondering why, having been advised several times that this is a sensitive area for adopters, you keep digging ?

That's not really anybody's business is it? I said a nice thing. A lot of you have taken it the totally wrong way which is your problem , not mine

@imverynosey

No its not my business, but it would be social services
If anything happened to you social services would look to family first, adoption by people outside the family is the absolute last resort for any child. Not people like is.

You have come onto a board that doesn't appear in active for a reason.
It's been explained to you why it's sensitive, so we'll intended or not, it's not as helpful as you seem to think it is.

A bit like all the pot banging during Covid didn't help you that much did it?

It didn't change anything as such, but it was certainly nice to know that we were appreciated and I certainly did not get so touchy over it , as I would think it rude to do so, but that's just me

Anyway I haven't meant to cause offence and apologise so I will stop posting/replying now