You are definitely not alone. 16/18 months to 2 years old is a really tricky time, the child has enough agency to be developing opinions and ideas but not enough language to express them. I'm not going to pretend, bonding with my two was much easier when they started to talk and not scream at me. Plus, it is still early days. It doesn't feel like it, because it will feel like an age has passed since he arrived, but it truly is.
in the early days, I felt like I had invited two little tyrants into my home and was being closely observed as to how welcome I made them feel whilst simultaneously being mentally and physically battered and bruised to within an inch of my life. There were days when I felt like they were strangers in my house- it just didn't feel real. They would do something outrageous and I didn't even have the capacity to feel outraged because I was just sort of doing it and it wasn't happening- reflecting on it I think I was quite numb because I was so shocked at what was happening to me.
In terms of bonding, it is different to a birth child, or it is from what I can work out from what other people say. I don't think I know when I truly bonded with them because for the first year it was pretty much me doing stuff to keep busy and observing them. Yes I felt dedicated to them, I advocated for them, I was protective of them. Was that bonding? Yes, I suppose on some level but it wasn't the same as people describedabout giving birth. I didn't really feel that I had the milestones to measure against. I also on another level resented them because I couldn't go back to work, and yet simultaneously I couldn't do any of the normal mum things because of their needs. I had the worst of all worlds, and was suddenly the service user not the service provider. I had to let go a lot of what I thought my parenting would be and adjust to what the reality of parenting kids with significant trauma actually was like, and there was a grieving process in there too.
Advocating for them really helped us to bond because we had to really delve into every aspect of their life to get them the help they needed, and the combine that with daily observations of them. We spent the first year getting the kids on waiting lists and assessment lists, so now they are starting to actually access support. everyone said that they wanted to let them settle in, but we pressed on and put them on as many people's radars as possible, and now that support is slowly and falteringly kicking in, it feels more purposeful, and I feel more connected to them because I am the one driving their care forward. I wonder if you are maybe feeling a bit powerless if you are pre AO, like the child isn't really 'yours'? Especially if you had a birth child and were able to make those decisions immediately. we found having our choices needing to be signed off by social workers frustrating and a block because it meant it was another layer of bureaucracy reinforcing how they weren't 'ours', that we were just looking after them. I imagine that if you had a BC, that comparison might feel more stark.
I don't want to make assumptions, but are you also the stay at home parent? That might also have an impact on how you feel. It's easy enough to resent the other half for getting to go to work and do normal adult stuff and speak to grown ups when you have been stuck at home all day trying to entertain a distraught toddler and do housework. It can really affect your capacity to bond with the child because all you can think about Is how you wish you got to be the one who drives to work listening to a podcast. Is there a way you can get some grown up one to one self care time? I always think, if hubby is so delighted and happy about things, he won't have a problem taking baba off on his own for a day or even just a morning so you can get some chill time. And I mean, he does the whole shebang, breakfasting, dressing, deciding how many nappies to pack, cutting up the cucumber sticks, deciding where to go, going there, coming back and unpacking, washing, the lot whilst you do something that you want to do that isn't related to the running of the house. The aim is that you get to have a proper, full, mental load break. If you are the SAHP, you have probably just had an influx of invisible domestic labour added to your plate and with the added bonus of social worker visits every two seconds to really make you feel on display, and it is important to recognise that and how it can make you feel. I remember feeling so, so angry with my kids when they threw food all over the house because we had a social worker visit that day and it meant I would be cleaning up yet again. I was so miserable as I cleaned up that flour that I cried and wondered how it had come to this.
Could you use your LO as an excuse to do something you always wanted to do but never was able to find a good enough reason? Is there any way you can embark on a 'joint project' with your LO? If you live in a city, can you go to loads of museum exhibitions? Or I you are rural, visit all the tea rooms in the local villages and judge which has the best scones and babycinos? Or be tourist in your own town? Do one of those virtual marathons where you run the length of South America and get a medal at the end? Take up gardening? I felt that I had to do something that wasn't focused only on the kids, because I was going stir crazy at baby groups. We ended up all over the place, and taking photos of them in different places and knowing that I was able to give them that was a big factor in helping me bond with them. I don't know whether to be pleased or mortified that they now insist on going to museums and drinking babycinos, but it is funny, and laughing at/with them and their oddbod ways does help me to connect with them, especially when I see myself in their actions. I also got an allotment, which gave me access to a different set of people and made my brain think about something other than kids, and they were perfectly happy playing in the mud.
There's a lot for you to unpick. Thinking about disrupting is less uncommon than you might imagine, and I suspect the vast majority of adopters would agree it has been something they have considered at some point. It doesn't make you a bad person, but I would say to reach out for support for both yourself and your LO. Speak to your husband and see whether he can take over anything, or support you, praise you or give you a break. There are theraplay playgroups specially for fostered and adopted children, could you be referred to those? Does your agency have a attachment therapist they you offer you some sessions with? Have the ASF applications for support already been decided on and made? There are lots of possible things you could do, but everyone needs support sometimes. Keep talking and reaching out, it's important to keep that dialogue open!