Just can’t bond

[Adoptedd44]

My husband and I have adopted a 16 month old child and I feel terrible saying this but I just can’t bond with him. He’s been with us a few months now and all I can think about is how lovely my life was before we got him:(

my husband is so happy, it’s his first child, but I can’t shake this feeling of resenting the fact he’s here… I have good and bad days but lately mostly bad where I just want to give him back.

we haven’t formally adopted him yet but my the thought of giving him back makes me feel like the worst person in the world, not only did his birth parents not want him neither did his adoptive parents.

has anyone been in the same situation and grows to love them? How long does it take? I have a grown up maternal daughter and never once felt like this with her.

can anyone please help me xx

It's a very sad update . Mostly for the child . Hope fully he will go on to a happy life in a secure family
This might seem controversial and I don't want to add to the families distress. But entering parenthood is a shock , it does bring feelings of "what the £&@" have I / we done .
I'm a parent of 2 second child adopted and I felt very inadequate. It's also v hard to admit especially when adopting because it's an expectation that because you "choose " you can't complain or share negative feelings

But I would like to add I had all those feelings when our 2nd daughter came to us 9 years ago . Now I can't imagine a life without both my girls

I agree with this, having supported a close relative through the adoption process, and subsequent placement of a beautiful 15 month old, with whom it took a while for my relative to bond, but who is now thriving and couldn't be happier.

I do wonder (and worry) about the potentially severe effect this disruption could have on the little boy, knowing the trauma he has faced already with the separation from his birth family. I hope so much that he quickly finds a secure, loving home where he can thrive and never again feel the pain of rejection.

I do wonder (and worry) about the potentially severe effect this disruption could have on the little boy, knowing the trauma he has faced already with the separation from his birth family.

Disruption will always have an impact, but that doesn’t mean it’s not sometimes the best decision in the circumstances. The difficulty with adoption and long term fostering is you just don’t know how this child will fit with this family and sometimes the match just doesn’t work for lots of reasons. Love isn’t remotely enough to get you through, but if that bond just isn’t there to at least the most basic of levels it’s almost impossible. Yes you can keep going in the hope that it comes, but being honest with yourself and the professionals involved is important so that decisions can be made openly about the best interests of the child.

No one goes into disruption without being painfully aware of the impact on the child. Perhaps if people came to the discussion with that assumption in mind adoptive parents and foster carers would feel more able to acknowledge the challenges and speak openly about disruption without the stigma and judgement that seems to go hand in hand.

@ElsaLion
just a reminder that the adoptive parents are in great distress also.
I can guarantee you, we don't know the half of it.
As I mentioned upthread, I have just disrupted a placement of 11 months standing. I know this will have caused him pain and distress beyond words.
But neither does anyone know what I've been through either
A broken parent does no one any good, least of all the child.
I know this family has agonised for a long time over this, as did I. Sometimes it's just not right for anyone. And believe me we do not need reminding of the child's trauma.

I also think “I took a while to bond/X person I knew took a while but it’s all fine now” isn’t particularly helpful. I took a while to bond with my DD, but I knew it would come because I knew what I was struggling with. If I didn’t think I could get to that place, I may well have disrupted because it’s too hard and honestly her behaviour was too challenging, her needs too great without love to help carry us through.

The “it took a while” comments suggest the adopter just didn’t try hard enough or give it long enough when in reality no one can know what any adopter is dealing with at any given time, how far they’ve been pushed and how hard they’ve tried. Disruption is never an easy decision, but it is sometimes the right one - for all concerned.

I didn't mean it to sound like I was suggesting they didn't try hard enough - not at all
I was just suggesting that sometimes we have expectations of ourselves that are not realistic. Parenting is a massive shock . I've got two , one biological and one adopted child and I had many moments of doubts of myself that I could "do it " . I spoke honestly and was supported .

Sadness isn't a competition. Sadness for OP and her husband doesn't detract from sadness for the child. But here, on an adopters' board, it's OP reading this- the child won't be reading this. OP knows it's sad for the child. Is it true, necessary and kind, @twobluskies ? OP here has experienced a devastating loss, a loss many struggle to understand and empathise with, a loss OP no more chose than the child. OP is reading, OP needs support. And I think she should find it here, without judgement, without competition over who is most sad in the situation. OP is sad, she's had a loss.

There but for the grace of god go many of us.

I absolutely do not want to be seen as judging the decision badly . It it's absolutely a terrible situation . I'm only adding my small voice on the experience we had and it's more common to feel this way than is talked about .

@Adoptedd44 I hope you and your husband are doing OK. Thinking of you both.

@Ted27 I am really sorry about your foster situation too.

None of this is easy.

Thinking of you all.

So sorry to hear your sad news @Adoptedd44

Do what you need to do to get through this time, surround yourself only with people who will support you. None of them have walked in your shoes. Even other adopters, because every situation is unique.

Also thinking of @Ted27 and hoping you too are being supported.

I had to comment on @rabblenotrebel using that is it true, necessary and kind because one of the loveliest children’s social workers I knew used to say it often. There are many good people out there working with and for these children and they also have insight into how hard it can be. I’m glad the social workers helped OP to reach a decision.

@Adoptedd44

I’m so sorry for your extreme loss. I also want to acknowledge your recognition of your limits: I personally think this is an incredibly emotionally mature and self-aware thing to do. You had the child’s best interests at heart but you also were aware of your own boundaries and limitations. Please ignore any suggestion that you could have tried that little bit harder. Or that all parenting is hard. So suck it up. Just to add, I’m at the other end of the spectrum from you as I am currently disrupting with an AD of 16.5 after 15.5 years. My AD is extremely violent, aggressive, verbally abusive, steals anything she can get her hands on, lies constantly and engages in other very antisocial behaviours. I have stuck it out as I always hope that things will improve. In retrospect, like you, I should have disrupted many years ago. The bonus of this for AD1 would have been access to the urgent CAMHS/mental health services she so desperately needs. Look after you.

There are so many sad feelings here from what I am reading . I'm quite conflicted . The op is admitting that she doesn't feel able to give what this child needs and hasn't developed feelings to continue . Hopefully this child is young enough to move to a family as it's known that younger children are more likely to find a family .
The mother who is disrupting after 15.5 years is much harder . I'm the mother of two children aged 17 and 10 . One born to me and 1 adopted at 1 year .
My eldest was extremely challenging in her years from 13 to 16 years , involving aggression , police , exclusion , we were on our knees but we had a brilliant social worker who said to us . It's when they push you away hardest that they need you most " . We were never given option to have her removed , she is our biological child
Where is the support for adopters in the challenging years ?
I have the nicest 16 year old now who knows we are always going to hang on .
It's our youngest who is adopted . I hope if things get tough we are not given the option to remove her .

@mumofblu

section 20 accommodation applies to birth children as well.

For children who are accommodated under section 20, the parents requesting it retain parental responsibility and remain part of their children’s lives.

The two adopters I know who have children accommodated under section 20, took this enormously diffcult decision after many years of struggle.

One of them called one day from Paddington railway station, they did not remember how they got there, they were sobbing. I really thought they were about to chuck themselves under a train. I had to talk them down from 150 miles away.

Both of these families now have much better relationships with their young people, see them regularly, have them home for birthdays and Christmas etc.

I also have a friend whose birth son was accommodated when he was 15, after he cornered her in the kitchen threatening her with a knife. This young man is very complex, is much taller and stronger than my friend, who was frequently on her own with him. He was a danger to himself and her. She really had no option.

I have recently disrupted a foster placement, yes its different in that he was never ‘mine’ but the plan was to keep him to adulthood. As an FC I cannot give too many details but lets just say that by the end all matches, knives and scissors were hidden away. I’d had ladders, hoovers and broken glass thrown at me. He threatened me with violence nearly every day, and subjected me to appalling verbal abuse. I was living in my bedroom with the cat who was terrified of him, because it was the safest place to be for both him and me.

I have an adopted son, who is now 20. We had challenging years in his teens. Giving up was never an option but quite frankly his behaviour was light years away from what Ive experienced in the last year.

Please don’t judge, you were lucky, you got through it. There but for the grace of god.

Thankyou @Ted27
I can relate to your experience . I've worked in the care system and in CAMHS and faced severe challenging behaviour and sat on panels making section 20 decisions . I know that some parents can't continue with the aggression in the home especially if younger children are also witness . The op was talking about not developing feelings , my point was that this sometimes takes time and work and I hope the op had this support before making the decision to disrupt , I really do because it must be agonising to come to this point and recover .
@WhompingWillows again sounds like she has tried and come to the end . Again I ask if enough is being done to keep families together . Or does the cost implications and stretch on services mean that this work isn't being done with families . As a CAMHS child mental health practitioner who left 6 years ago I was also seeing the support for families becoming timely . My employment was between 2000 and 2018 and the changes to support services and agencies was decimated in that time .

@Ted27 thank you for your solidarity. I agree, it’s the extreme verbal abuse that wears at one’s soul and psyche. I also live with extreme violence and aggression. Even worse are the false allegations, one of which resulted in me being arrested, detained in custody for 21 hours and interviewed under caution. I refused to have AD1 back home as I also have AD2 to prioritise. CSC manipulated my elderly, vulnerable and housebound mother into a ‘private fostering arrangement’. It was brilliant, the SWs bragged and AD1, who has multiple disabilities, diagnoses and complexities, was thriving and becoming so much more independent! Until six weeks of managing AD1’s behaviours resulted in my mum having a total mental health breakdown and being diagnosed with stress-induced psychosis. She now talks to Jesus through her hearing aids and imagines there’s an evil choir master named Victor living in her loft which he has wired for sound to record all my mum’s conversations. You literally could not make this shit up.

@mumofblu

You must already know that there is no support. My last hope of help was an application to my LA Short Breaks Panel for funding for weekend respite. My AD1 is blind and diagnosed with autism/ADHD/neonatal abstinence syndrome/binge eating disorder/query FASD/global developmental delay. The application was rejected because my AD1 is independent/not disabled enough because she can get on a designated school bus by herself. I have spent years fighting for appropriate support. I’m not doing it any more. I’m focusing on happiness now for AD2(8) and I after so many years of abject misery.

@mumofblu

My reply was addressed to your comments about the mum disrupting after 15 years.
If you have worked in the care system and CAHMs then you must know that section 20 is an option available to you.

I know @WhompingWillows story. I know how much she has fought for her daughter.
To answer your question, no there is not enough support.
But also it is not always the right thing to do to keep a family together.

I never had CAHMs involvement for my son
My experience of them with my foster child has been appalling. They are not the only party at fault but their behaviour will form part of my complaint about the placement which has been a catalogue of failure and poor decision making from start to finish

@WhompingWillows I agree that the support is severely lacking
That's why I made the decision to leave ( I know it adds to the problem in services ) my mental health was shot , working in an intense environment with no funding for intensive work . When I started the support time could be weekly for up to 18 months and a real difference , including supporting families and children in making decision to disrupt / section 30 . And support through and after the child moving away . And then my eldest showing behaviour that meant we were facing a section 20 as a family to keep us , her and her sister safe . The school , gp , social services , police and ourselves worked together . Probably because of my work experiences I fought hard for her as I did with families I worked with . She completed her exams last week . Her headteacher said that if I hadn't fought so hard and communicated with them she would not have completed school . They provided student support for 3 years at my insistence. I know I was extremely fortunate in getting the support which isn't everyone's experience .

I meant section 20

@WhompingWillows

That's dreadful about your mum, I hope with time she can recover

@Adoptedd44 Thinking of you, and hope you have some real life support just now.

@Ted27 "I’d had ladders, hoovers and broken glass thrown at me. He threatened me with violence nearly every day, and subjected me to appalling verbal abuse. I was living in my bedroom with the cat who was terrified of him, because it was the safest place to be for both him and me."

I'm so sorry, I've only just read this. How very difficult for you. XXXXX

@WhompingWillows

I am so sorry that your elderly mum was pressured into this arrangement. I hope the social worker responsible has been suitably disciplined. as adoptive or foster parents we have not created the chaos that is sometimes inside these poor children's lives and it is just awful your mother was forced into something she could not cope with. How cruel.

I wish you and your ad aged 8 all the very best.

@Italiangreyhound

Thanks so much for your very kind well wishes. No, there has been no acknowledgment of any wrongdoing by CSC. There has, naturally, been no help or support forthcoming for any one of us. My mum is officially diagnosed with psychosis, I am severely depressed and AD2 has a diagnosis of anxiety and has to take medication to help the debilitating stomach pains that she experiences on a daily basis.

In a rare bit of good news, AD1’s Qualified Teacher for the Vision Impaired has negotiated three years of funding for AD1 to attend a national college for the blind. Fingers crossed (there’s lots of red tape and paperwork to complete before next week) AD1 will start at her new boarding college on September 2nd. The funny thing is that the annual fees are £90K but the LA refused a Short Breaks package of respite support that would have cost a couple of hundred pounds per month.

"AD1 will start at her new boarding college on September 2nd. The funny thing is that the annual fees are £90K but the LA refused a Short Breaks package of respite support that would have cost a couple of hundred pounds per month."

That is brilliant news. I know the irony, that they could have paid so much less, but they are doing this now and I just hope your mum can have her own break through. Best wishes.

@WhompingWillows

Good news for you, I hope it will give you an opportunity to recover

LA decisions baffle me. I begged for months for assessments and therapy which was blocked, so he's back in residential costing thousands a week.

@WhompingWillows don't try and understand local authorities- it defies all logic.

I'm so sorry about your mum, and the stress you've been under.

And you, @Ted27 - you can't let yourself be broken. More children will need you, and your boy needs you.