If you're still reading @Adoptedd44 my heart goes out to you and your DH.
I just wanted to say what an incredibly brave and courageous decision you made, and how caring for that little boy, that you reached out to the SWs and all came to the decision you did.
I also think it's been so strong of you to come back and update this thread. The thread sort of reminds me of the podcast 'how to fail' and I guess we all hope that these really significant 'failures' that we all have in our lives will be the right ones for all involved.
I'm in awe of your courage and I can't imagine what you are going through, but I hope you are at peace that you made the right call and that you don't carry all the weight of everything alone.
I've name changed, but I've lurked and posted on this board for many years as I adopted a child last year. As we adopters know, the process is incredibly tough, even getting to the start line to apply many (all?) of us have been through many difficult times and the process can feel like additional punishment, then linking, matching, placement, it's quite an ordeal, and that's just the start.
There have not been many days in the last year where I haven't pictured asking for disruption, there have been many many emotions to deal with, mostly grief for the life I had, but also almost over-whelming guilt for the child who's life I am now holding.
It's incredibly tough, nothing I'd prepared for. I could never have predicted the scale of these emotions.
In addition, the system is broken, there is no support, the NHS is fucked, I have virtually no respect for any professionals involved in adoption.
I can see how my AC and her BM have been completely disregarded and treated like shit by the very people who were supposed to be looking out for them. I've been treated like shit too, I feel I've been used and lied and manipulated by those same professionals, all of which are nice people just doing their jobs and going home to their families every night.
I'm so angry and upset that this is the best we can do for kids in care, the birth families, FCs and adoptive families.
I feel heartbroken.
Sorry, this isn't about me and my pain, but I just wanted to sympathise and recognise how tough it must have been for you, and for you to hear another saying, I get it, you did the right thing, you tried, you didn't fail, and I wish you well.
@Ted27 I'm really sorry to hear everything you've been through with your FC and hope you're ok. You've always been so consistently generous with your time and advice on this board and I know you'll be hurting, I know you will have given it your all and I'm sorry.
@WhompingWillows I'm so sorry to read your story, I hope you can recover from this, it's unbelievable what your family have been through, I hope there are much better times ahead for you all.