How do you deal with it when your adopted children have truely AWFUL names?

[Moomin]

Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things it maybe shouldn't really matter after waiting all that time to finally get your child(ren)... but have heard this weekd of a couple I know through a friend who are adopting siblings who have names they never would have chosen in a MILLION years. The kind of names that may severely prejudice the children in later life.

When I was adopted (donkeys ago) changing a child's name wouldnt have been that big a deal - my first name was kept the same although my parents changed the spelling but my middle name was changed. These days, with the way adoptions are conducted to give much more knowledge and access to a child's background and even their birth parents, I can't see that changing a name would be recommended maybe?

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I know someone who is adopting and they are not allowed to change the child's name. They can add a middle name but that is all.

once they adopt the child they can call him/her whatever they like

before the adoption order is granted, social services have a say

they may mean that they have agreed with SS or teh birth parenst not to change the child's name. British courts don't usually tell adoptive parenst what they are allowed to call their child ( assuming the family you are talking about live in the UK)

This is a very thought provoking thread. At school we had a girl by the name of Marion who 'changed' her own name to a traditional short girls name -she just didnt like Marion for some reason. It was no big deal. She was and I guess still is Marion, just school teachers and friends knew to call her this other name. In fact if I recall it was such a well kept secret we didnt find out until the exam results were put upon the wall - obviously for official things like that the real name must be used. We were all wondering who Marion was.
My rambling contribution is it does not have to be done officially but if the child is of an age where they wish to adopt a new name it can be done by having a word with school/ clubs/ all the people she or he come into contact on a regular basis. Can the social worker not appreciate that in some settings e.g. teenage years it could be emotionally damaging to have a name that stands out as being vastly different from those of your peers?
But it would be achingly sad and rather unsettling for a little child to have their identity altered against their will imo. I would not mind shouting out 'Frogmella' if it kept her feeling secure!

interestingly when my husband and I adopted ds1 (who is my biological child but not my husbands) SS and the court were quite keen (it seemed to me ) to have us change his name. DS1 has 3 'first names' that I chose and I didnt wnt to change them...nor did dh - so he got dh surname and that was it. But I wonder why they seemed keen for his name to be changed? His biological father has never seen him ( his choice) and no input into his given names..

I know a friend of a friend of a work collegue (yes really!) who adopted siblings.

The birth parents both had learning difficulties and the mother gave birth on average once a year naming each of children after chat show hosts. Jerry Springer, Trisha May, Oprah, Jay-Leno etc etc

As a birth mother, that was absolutley her right of course but her adoptive parents did change the childrens names to protect them from the torment and teasing that they would undoubtedly have suffered otherwise.

So when you ask, 'how bad can it be', the naswer sometimes is VERY bad

I know a girl who was firstly fostered then adopted by some friends of my Mums and she started out as Emma. When they adopted her, they called her Gemma at her baptism. She was a baby though.

but there have been studies showing that someone applying for a job with a 'chavvy' name especialy if its misspelt will get turned down more often than someone with the same qualifications etc but a 'classic name'

I read one (sorry can't remember where) when they used the same woman. For one set of job applications she changed her name to Shaz Pollard and on another set it was Rebecca Burns. She got more interviews with the second name applying for the same jobs and using her own address and then a friends address for the 'shaz' persona.

If we adopted I'd probably give the kid a new middle name, we tend to have 2 middle names each in this family anyway so it would be part of the joining the family thing. Then I'd leave it partly up to the kid what they wanted to be called. I'd also tend to go for the full version of anything badly spelt or shortened. So a Shaz would be Sharon, Kev would be Kevin.

If the kid prefers to use Shaz or Kev thats up to them, but I'd deed poll their full name to change from Shaz Pollard to Sharon Bethany X (new surname) and hope she'd agree to Beth.

i cant beleive that mumwhereareyou would not even consider looking at adopting a child that had a 'chavvy' name she didnt like. Thats as good as being racist/ sexist/ classist. I just hope those children were adopted by someone else with a mature open mind.

Hi

As i said before, if you are pregnant then you get to choose your childrens name and i assume that there are names that you don't like and therefore didn't choose for your children, as adoptive parents we don't get that choice.

Our three have names that are spelled unsual and are what def would be classifed as "chav" names and i'm sorry if it offends.

When we did the legal paper work we added new middle names and our eldest wanted one that she could buy stuff with it on. I.e. pencilcase, waterbottle etc.

We have dealt with it love our children to bits and please we are all entitled to our opinions.

Legally you don't have to keep orginal name of child if you really don't like name, but I guess it depends on how much it would affect child's identity. Once child is adopted it is up to you if you wish to change child's name. Thought I would just throw that in!

I have met a Tracy who is still very cross that her adoptive parents didn't take the opportunity to change her name. I also used to work for a high street retailer where it seemed everyone used a different name (you knew because the shops were licensed, so real/ birth name was above the door). There are lots of opportunities in life to change your own name, moving to different schools etc.

Hi
we adsopted 3 kiddies . Two with fairly traditional names and one with name we would never have chosen . Friends faces when we told then their names etc , you could see changing . BUT , now they are hgere , the name really is insignificant . It's part of them and their iidentity . when they werd formally adoptde we gave them all new middle names and if when they are older they feel the need for a change , they can use them , but to date , we are all very happy

Some perfectly posh people give their children hideous names.

I knew one once called "Melina". The parents clearly had no idea of the similarity to the medical term with exactly the same pronunciation.

Uneducated they were.....

My adopted cousin chose himself to have his name changed. He was 12 yrs old when my aunt and uncle adopted him. I am not sure wether or not he kept his real name as a second name. In fact I cant recall ever having heard his real name.

They later adopted a second boy (10yrs old) who decided to keep birth name.

I think it rather depends on the age of the child, as your name is part of your identity IMO, and wether or not the child will be told what his/her name used to be if they later wanted to change their name back or use it to find their birth family.

Tricky subject anyway.

Well, my two penneth, i have very traditional names (Anna maria) and when my boss signed my passport form he said to me that he took his hat off to my parents because there are many people my age with names that are "silly" or distinctively 80s like kylie or tiffany etc.. and he mentioned that he hated chavvy names, and as harsh as it sounds it would have to be an exceptional candidate with a name like chardonnay or whatever as he thought it didnt give a very professional image to have a name like that. he didn't know that my mother liked "roxanne"- until the police song came out!

its harsh but its how some people do feel and when it comes to universities and employers, often the name is the first impression. my friend has two children with chavvy names and we all cringe behind her back. my mothers friends son has children called destiny-sky, ace, and storm.... two girls and a boy! ha!
i actually know somebody called "kylie" who is training to be a solicitor and people do laugh when i say her name: "here's your brief- kylie!"

ive also worked a lot in schools and believe me, children do not appreciate names like capri or merlin, (true!) or beckham, especially these new names, when even the sex is not clear. i knew a child called "divantay" which was shortened to div... did his parents not think it through? i think that if these names are truly awful, you should be allowed to change them. i know if my mother called me a daft name, i wouldnt be thanking her...

I don't think it is unreasonable to choose not to adopt a child with a name that you couldn't cope with (say it had the name of a close member of the family, or someone you really hated, perhaps an abusive ex for example) better to face up to those feelings before adoption than find they came out afterwards. There are any factors that come into play when thinking about whether a child is going to fit into your family and life, and I think being as honest as you possibly can be is a requirement, and not foolish at all. As I understand it SS try and match families and children as closely as they can because success is more likely. Sadly some adoptions do fail.

I did watch one of those Us adoption programmes where the family had adopted a number of older children, and they had each chosen a new name as part of the formalisation process. It was a lovely moment watching the most recent addition talk about the name she had chosen as being part of her forever family (she had been fostered with them for several months already).

Can't you change a child's name by deedpoll?

I am shocked that anyone would not adopt a child because of the child's name?

if a child is older its difficult to change, say if they were 6 and called lady sapphire i could imagine it being difficult, but i agree if everything else is ok then you shouldnt turn a child down because of it.

I guess if a child has "grown into" a name it would make it hard so maybe I would just have to accept it.

I had this discussion with a friend who is adpoting recently - and I agree with her view that a name which the adoptive parents clearly would not have chosen will 'mark' the child out at school, etc - especially in their case since she already has a DC so one name could 'contrast' somewhat with the other.

I think there are 2 questions here - one with what you do about the legalities (which clearly could impact job applications, etc when you have to give your "proper" name) and the other about what you call the DC on a day to day basis - and it seems to me that where humanly possible the gradual change from name to nickname to (maybe) new name must be the best way to go.