How do you deal with it when your adopted children have truely AWFUL names?

[Moomin]

Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things it maybe shouldn't really matter after waiting all that time to finally get your child(ren)... but have heard this weekd of a couple I know through a friend who are adopting siblings who have names they never would have chosen in a MILLION years. The kind of names that may severely prejudice the children in later life.

When I was adopted (donkeys ago) changing a child's name wouldnt have been that big a deal - my first name was kept the same although my parents changed the spelling but my middle name was changed. These days, with the way adoptions are conducted to give much more knowledge and access to a child's background and even their birth parents, I can't see that changing a name would be recommended maybe?

[Issy]

Sorry Harpsi - posted before I saw your post. I think in our case they really were culturally inappropriate. Hard for us and anyone else to pronounce correctly and in DD1's case phonetically very similar to 'tea towel'. Our view and that of our social worker was that the DDs would have to grapple with enough difference without adding to it with a 'difficult' name. Nearly all children adopted inter-country under the age of three or four have an 'adoptive' first name and original second name.

It's a really interesting question though. I'll have to ask the DDs for their views in a decade's time. Did we undermine their 'cultural heritage' or do everything possible to ease their transition into a new life?

[ladywombling]

I feel that if your adoptive chikdren come from another culture/ethnicity, changing their name to one that fits more neatly into your culture or ethnicity does remove them from their ethnicity.

I think it is hard enough for children from the diaspora to hang onto cultural identity/roots/sense of belonging, even if they live within their birth families, and it must be much harder if you are ethnically/culturally different from your adoptive family.

I remember reading extracts of a book by a journalist Hannah Pool, discussing her experiences of being an adopted black child in a white family, and the difficulties she had. They really resonated with me, and names are strongly linked into this I think.

[AliciaJohns]

Issy Ithink it's great that you kept their original names as part of their new name and I am sure they will understand that.

[ladywombling]

Oh cross posted with you Issy!

[Moomin]

Yes of course it's about class. So what? We all choose names that we feel will reflect ourselves (and that includes history, family, culture and class I spose) and names do matter otherwise we'd actually call our childen dd1 and dd2 in RL as well. The names are as out of place as they would be if they were called Arabella and Quentin and living in a council flat or whatever.

I never felt that I was anything but my mum and dad's daughter even though I knew I was adopted and they weren't my birth parents. But that might not have been the case if I was still a constant reminder of the life and circumstances of my birth mother through the name she had chosen for me, iyswim. I'm really glad I have and have never had anything to do with my birth mother other than a passing curiosity, but I know that's not the case with every adopted child. I also know my birth mother probably doesn't feel that way and I feel terrible for the decision she had to make, but I came out of it very well. My name is a big part of that - I remember my parents telling me how they chose (and changed it) and it makde me feel proud and loved.

[AliciaJohns]

I do think that if the child is older than, say, 2 though, it must be extremely confusing to have to adjust to a new life with adoptive parents AND suddenly be called by a different name. What does that do to a child psychologically?

[AliciaJohns]

Moomin you make it sound as though your name somehow sets you on a certain path in life that you can't escape from, which is just not true.

[newgirl]

from another point of view

if my friend adopted some children and they had names i knew she would not have chosen i would think she was fab and brave and would just get on with the names told to us (although Im sure we would say them in a very posh way!!)

[Kewcumber]

I gave DS (adopted at 12months from KAzakhstan) a new first name and kept his given name as a middle one. For the reasons ISsy gave really, you probably wouldnt even realise it was a name. I thought about it long and hard and was quite reluctant to change but I had to weigh up the difficulty he would have growing up in England with a name that wasn't recognisably a name against taking away something from him when he had so very little that was him (IYSWIM) before I met him. Almost like he hadn't existed before I arrived.

If it was an English (or a name acceptable in English) name given by birth parents, I wouldnt even consider changing them. You can't scrub an adopted child clean of their life before they came into your family. If you really object to their names, I would start using a nickname. How would you explain to your child in future "I thought your naem was too common so I changed it" ie (your birth parents were common and we had to erase as much evidence that they existed as possible).

There are people in the intercountry adoption world who don't agree with even changing very difficult foreign names. And I can see their point - I just dont entirely agree with it.

[AliciaJohns]

Oh come on just tell us the names. I am dying of curiosity here.

[Moomin]

Agreed. I was adopted as a baby so it mattered not. I think it would be very hard for an older child to have their name changed and for that reason alone it's not a good idea. The couple I first posted about are aware they will have to live with it. They'll get used to it eventually I spose. Maybe it's indicative of lots of other issues when adopting a child, i.e. things aren't what you'd planned for so you leanr to compromise and adapt (could be said for having a child full-stop as well)

[AliciaJohns]

PS I did hear a woman calling her daugher "Shakira" the other day (in a broad Manc accent) and did find it hilarious.. I hope she goes on to be a doctor or lawyer just to confuse people.

[Moomin]

NO way - I have to protect their identities. As siblings I think they would be very easily recogniseable in RL with those names.

And I do think your name can help in the path your life takes, as it happens.

[AliciaJohns]

Example?

[Kewcumber]

I strongly suspect that your personality and upbringing have more to do with your path in life than your name. If you ever heard Auberon Waugh talk very amusingly about life growing up known as "King of the Fairies" in school, you'd see that if you the type to get on with things then your name is irrelevant and if you're not then, well... your name is irrelevant.

[harpsichordcarrier]

I accept if there are true cultural differences between the adoptive and birth families (different countries and so on) then the issue is more complicated.
there has to be a balance between being sensitive to the cultural heritage of the child and her needs to have links with her birth family and fitting into her "new" life and family.
hard balance to strike I have no doubt.
which is a world away from - I wouldn't consider a child because his/her name sounded too common, or changing a child's name because it sounds too common.
where are the needs of the child in that decision?
class is not culture. it is a horrible message to give to a child about his/her birth family, and also a pretty low thing to judge a child on his/her name.

[harpsichordcarrier]

sorry, massively cross posted because I was thinking so hard my eyes went all crossed over
I agree with Kewcumber

[Anna8888]

harpsi - I'd like a whole new thread to debate your assertion "class is not culture"

[Kewcumber]

A friend of my mother's name was changed when she was adopted and she didn't find out until she was in her 50's (I know things were different then...). She's now in her 70's and says she still feels a bit like neither name is hers.

[MaryBS]

My brother and SIL changed the middle names of their two, because one was truly horrible and mean, and so they didn't make a big deal of it, they were both allowed to pick middle names. I won't say on here what it was, just in case...

[harpsichordcarrier]

Anna - be my guest
if class is culture, then why do you think it is acceptable to change a child's name if that name reflects the child's birth culture?

[Kewcumber]

I think getting your children involved in choosing new names (middle or otherwise) if they want to is a very different kettle of fish

[Anna8888]

harpsi - if you read my first post on this thread, you will see that in an ideal scenario I would choose a name that was acceptable in both/all a child's cultures (I had four to deal with ), but that didn't identify him/her more or less with any of them.