How do you deal with it when your adopted children have truely AWFUL names?

[Moomin]

Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things it maybe shouldn't really matter after waiting all that time to finally get your child(ren)... but have heard this weekd of a couple I know through a friend who are adopting siblings who have names they never would have chosen in a MILLION years. The kind of names that may severely prejudice the children in later life.

When I was adopted (donkeys ago) changing a child's name wouldnt have been that big a deal - my first name was kept the same although my parents changed the spelling but my middle name was changed. These days, with the way adoptions are conducted to give much more knowledge and access to a child's background and even their birth parents, I can't see that changing a name would be recommended maybe?

[collision]

I have an example

Friends a long way away had an adopted dd who had a name which was similar to Toni-Lee which they both hated.

Gradually they changed it to Toni and then to Antonia and now I think she is known as Anna.

Casey-Mae was another daughter and they changed hers gradually to Cassie.

[Moomin]

Good examples of the 'successful manipulation' of names there collison. If it works for everyone then that's the main thing.

'To judge people on their name is pretty low' - probably, Harpsi, but it would be naive to think it doesn't happen. You only have to hear teachers looking down the class lists each Sept and predicting which kids will be the biggest PITA (and who will have the worst PITA parents) just from their names to see that it happens... and is often an accurate barometer of behaviour and attainment in many cases - although not all of course.

Interesting discussion btw

[Kewcumber]

collision - thats kind of what I meant when I said I'd use nicknames if I found their birth names difficult for any reason.

[Kewcumber]

Cali - as an aside - my Polish foreman introducing the building team to me:

First man "nasdgfhzdkvhzjgvzkgh\zhd"

Pause

Foreman "Eez called Derick"

Second man "sjdgfkzdvbhdzxfvbhzkvb"

PAuse

Foreman "Eez JOhn"

Thereafter both were known as Derick and JOhn!

[Tommy]

I do really believe that Moomin. If you had asked me before I had children and before I met my nieces and nephew, I probably would have felt differently but knowing them, chavvy names and all, has made me change my mind.
Just looking beyond their circunstances and seeing them as people

[CarGirl]

I think it's different if you are adopting from abroad than if you are adopting within the UK. With UK adoptions I'm sure it's not permitted to usually change their names although I can imagine if it really clashes with your new surname (thinking of rude initials) and the child is young enough they may let you alter it?????

[hifi]

princess sapphire
precious
santanda
da, boy
randolf
secresha
just some off the top of my head.

[HonoriaGlossop]

Unless the child is very young indeed, under a year perhaps, I do think it's likely to be very difficult for them if their names are changed. Being adopted often brings with it huge difficulties with a sense of identity and belonging and of course one intrinsic part of our identity is our name.

I can certainly understand the difficulty the adoptive parents have in accepting these chavvy names as I am v opinionated about names myself However I think lots of children who are not adopted are known by nicknames more than their real name - I was Nelly to my mum for ages and no that is not my RL name! I think using Cassie for Casey-Mae for instance is a good way of getting around the issue a little and the it's so clearly derived from their name that it needn't confuse them I think.

I do think too though that the child will imprint themselves on the name more than your friends will realise at the moment, they are understandably focussing on the names; for instance I really do hate the name Casey, but I can perfectly well see that if a very nice, confident, happy girl spoke to me and told me that was her name, that some of the 'coolness' of the person rubs off on to the name IMO rather than the other way round.

[steppemum]

I had Dutch friends who adopted twins with Russian names. the twins were 2, but one of the names sounded wierd in Dutch, so they found a very similar name (actually just chnage dthe first letter) so that it worked in Dutch, but wasn't too big a jump for the little girl. it worked well, and I not even sure she really noticed.

Another friend adopted siblings who had very strange names (named after mountains and stuff) but they just kept them. The youngest wouldn't have noticed, but her big brother would have noticed that his sister's name was changed if you see what I mean. I think I would find a variation/nickname/middle name that everyone was happy with. I would find it hard to live with some names that I don't like.

[bran]

It is possible to change the names if your friends really, really feel that they need to, or possibly modify them. The social workers do strongly disapprove, but if your friends are adopting siblings then they probably won't be adopting again in the future, so won't need to keep the SWs sweet. Usually the children will have been living with the adoptive family for quite a while by the time the adoption hearing gets to court and by that stage the SWs are hardly going to threaten to prevent the adoption.

I have always strongly felt that I would hate to have a name that makes people need to hold back a smirk when introduced to me, and I would feel sorry for a child with that sort of name. When we were waiting for ds I remember that there were two brothers in BMP who were called Abu and Hamza and I would have been uncomfortable with that (although they would never have been placed with use as we are not Muslim, but I would have a similar problem for instance if siblings were called Jesus and Christ).

We slightly changed ds's name for the adoption to a more boyish version, although we still address him by his original name. This is because most people assume by his name that he is a girl unless they can see that he's a boy. He pre-adoption passport says that he is female for instance, even though his birth cert and the application forms said he was male. We thought if we didn't change it to the male version it would cause minor but irritating problems his whole life.

In fact, even if we had really hated ds's name it would have been hard to change it completely, it really is the only thing that he has from his birth mum.

[hifi]

in adoption prep groups we tackled this, i havent changed my name to dh, i like my surname and feel strongly about keeping it. they then suggested this is how a child may feel which makes sense.

[grannyslippers]

Unless the name is literally embarassing (P.Nutt or something), please don't take it away from the poor child. The social workers disapprove because they know, from experience, that adopted children have enough rejection to cope with, without having their own name rejected by the people who are supposed to love them. CELEBRATE that they are bringing difference and diversity into your life.

You could always get away with tweaking or nicknaming, use your imagination (says the person who came up with "Tiger Lily" last month!).

For some reason, our DC's birth parents chose beautiful names for beautiful children, (Phew!).

[mumwhereareyou]

Hi DingDong

Have to be perfectly honest and yes there are some names i cannot bear One in particulary is "Spike" and there was quite a few called that belive me.

As i said before my children do have chavvy names and they certainly stand out in our school.

One of my good friends is a school teacher and she admits that she often judges pupils on their names and has admitted that mine are "right up there", but hey we love our children to bits and where possible have given them nick names.

[harpsichordcarrier]

Spike is a perfectly charming name
my friend's ds is called Spike, after Spike Lee

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I was thinking of Spike if dd had been ds - also after spike lee..... how funny....

[mumwhereareyou]

Again i apologise if i offend anyone i don't mean to, but there are certain names that i don't like.

Anyway my social worker fully understood and used to make up names on purpose just to wind me up.

I am not posh in fact hubby was in army he is now a postman so is nothing to do with class and as for cultural then hubby is a scotsman.

Anyway as said before i have not chnaged my childrens names and we gave them middle names that fit their first names. I respect why their parents gave them their names and it comforts me to be able to explain to our children why they are called what their names.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Adopting kids does not give them a whole new identity. Their names are their names, they aren't pets. I agree with what people are saying, I can't imagine my daughter being called Ebony-Fallulah or something, but if she came to me named that you just have to deal. Sorry, but these kids may be confused enough already. I despised Angelina Jolie for asopting a boy of 4 who spoke no English and changing his name immediately. What a %^&$ing thoughtless thing to do.

[Janni]

This is a really interesting thread. I knew it was considered really bad practice to change a child's name, so when looking at children needing adoption I'm afraid I didn't look long at any whose names I couldn't happily live with .

I was really shocked by some acquaintances who changed their adopted 2 year old twins' names when the originals were perfectly acceptable.

[Kewcumber]

Another thought - if your DH has a name you really hate, do you make him change it? You probably just use a shortened version or a nickname right?

[PaulaYatesBiggestFan]

my friend changed the childs name!! she gave it its middle name but it was only a baby

[Kewcumber]

kat - it was thoughtless but none the less very very common in the US to change names even with older children.

[DeeRiguer]

kat i agree
they are not pets and come with a history and last thing they are looking for is another change

feel sorry for the kids being overlooked only because of their name

that makes me feel quite

[Janni]

DeeRiquer - I know, it IS sad and it feels awful to admit it, but I am talking about names like 'Chardonnay', to give you an example. There were not many that I thought 'no way', even if I didn't particularly like the name.