How do you deal with it when your adopted children have truely AWFUL names?

[Moomin]

Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things it maybe shouldn't really matter after waiting all that time to finally get your child(ren)... but have heard this weekd of a couple I know through a friend who are adopting siblings who have names they never would have chosen in a MILLION years. The kind of names that may severely prejudice the children in later life.

When I was adopted (donkeys ago) changing a child's name wouldnt have been that big a deal - my first name was kept the same although my parents changed the spelling but my middle name was changed. These days, with the way adoptions are conducted to give much more knowledge and access to a child's background and even their birth parents, I can't see that changing a name would be recommended maybe?

I feel sad reading this too.
You long for a child and finally find one you can call your own and are panicked that it has a chavvy name!!
This shows the extent of the class problem we have in this country, where people actually believe their childs name will effect their chances in life.
A name becomes the person, as far as I can see.

What's the name? Is it something like Nevaeh? You could change that to Neve or Niamh.

I think a bit of a tweak for the child's later best-interests is just the sensible thing to do, and shouldn't be over-analysed!

Although I have argued against chanigng names for children where possible - I do think that non-adoptive parents don't appreciate the small pleasure of mulling over names for your as yet unknown child, which adoptive parents rarely have. In the grand scheme of things it does gain perspective over time but at the time I did find it sad that I wasn't picking names whilst knowing I was about to become a mother.

I think older children chossing to change their own new name can be a good thing - gives them some control in a very out of control situation. No doubt a socail worker would disagree with me

well lots of women i know chose to change their names when they got married.And all of them were over 4

I also know plenty children who decided to change their name to that of their step father or to be the same as their mother when she re married

First names - not surnames.

I think there is also a problem when there is still some contact with one or both of the birth parents.

I know someone who adopted boys with appalling names (they were children of hippy drug addicts, so think names like Bark and Mud) but weren't able to change the names because the natural mother still had occasional contact.

KristinaM-
kids do change their surnames when they are adopted. We are talking about first name. Imagine being 5 years old, your whole world has gone to hell, you get placed with a new mummy/daddy, life is really confusing and scary, you might miss your old family, feel sad for the life you don't have, and your new parents decide you aren't called Kristina anymore, you are called Jane. Imagine how that would feel?

"Imagine being 5 years old, your whole world has gone to hell, you get placed with a new mummy/daddy, life is really confusing and scary, you might miss your old family, feel sad for the life you don't have, and your new parents decide you aren't called Kristina anymore, you are called Jane. Imagine how that would feel? "

That's exactly what happened to a child an aquainance of mine adopted. She was so traumatised by everything that she regressed completely to babyhood for about 6 months. Language, would only drink milk, toilet training, everything. Her parents changed her name immediately to something more 'socially acceptable'...I'm not saying the name changing was the sole, or even major, cause of the trauma, but since she refused to answer to it, it was clear that it didn't help.

Another family we know - friends - had decided that they would change the name (which answers many people's judgements about names on this thread...) in the end din't, taking the line of 'she is who she is, her name is her name' - and amidst many other happy factors, she settled without a fidget.

I would think (have no experience) that it needs to be approached with extreme sensitivity and dependent on the child's needs.

Our three have names I wouldn't have chosen (especially the eldest which is misspelt), but I also wouldn't change them. We did want to change their middle names but even that got a strong objection so we will leave them as they are, just adding our surname after theirs.

I think it does depend on the age of the child - at 4,6 and 8 they are too aware of their own identities to change ther names.

Bop

actually kat i don't have to imagine it.... i have lived it

also I was talking about when someone changed their OWN name, not someone else changing the name of a 5yo

i am not argueing for or against, just pointing out that it is not uncommon in our culture to change your name as an older child or adult

i am not clear about the assumption that its no big deal to change your surname but it IS a big deal to change your first name

I think (especially for a child) it is more significant to change the first name.
Surnames tend to only be used in formal and offical circumstances.
Your first name is used/called dozens of times a day but how often is your surname used by other people?
Anyhow I do think it is a tricky and emotive subject and I think it's pretty cruel to change a child's name once they are aware of it and answer to it - but if we are talking about a baby and the name is bloody horrendous then I think it could be a case of being cruel to be kind.
I briefly emailed a woman in Australia that was adopting. The little boy was called WIKKID. First off it's a terrible name but secondly what a horrible connotation for him to grow up with.

interesting in intercountry adoptions - where the birth mother is known eg in Russia where many mothers will have to show ID when they go into hospital to give birth, the childs surname will probably be their birth mothers but their first name most likely picked by a doctor who met the child once or twice.

People still wouldn't think twice about chaging the surname evenm thgouh in very many ways it means more than the first name.

Thinking about my own names - as I said previously, when I was adopted my parents kept my 1st name but changed to spelling to a lightly more unusual version (nothing outlandish - just changed one letter!) and changed my middle name completely. I've never liked my middle name - I think it's pretentious and horsey, but that's nothing to do with it being a change from my original middle name: in fact my original was a bit 'common' (as in popular and plain).

However, I have been very presious about my surname all my life and I'm very rpud of it. I've been married twice and both dhs have not minded one jot that I haven't changed my surname. Both dhs' (ha! that sounds so funny) had/have perfectly good surnames but I simply couldn't countenance losing my family name - it just felt all wrong. And I'm pretty sure that comes from loyalty to my adopted parents really and the fabulaous family they adopted me into.

I have fairly strong views about not treating an adoptive child like a cat, and rather support the gradual shift/nickname approach in the case of an older child.

However, we know people who adopted a sibling group of 3 from a dreadful situation. Oldest child had an appalling made up name while the younger siblings had more normal names- although not necessarily the ones the adoptive parents would have chosen. They began using the older child's far more normal middle name (partly at that child's insistence) and that is what she is now known as. It seems to have pretty seamless and trouble-free.

It would be nice to think it doesn't matter, but I think it does. My daughters name is quite sweet in a way but it is definitely not middle class. And I live in a very 'olivia/isabella/martha' type area. She was only wee when she came to us but she did already know and recognise her name and we haven;'t changed it. But when we go to music class or ballet or whatever and the teacher reads out the names you can see the double take and the other Mums trying to think why my daughter has such an 'odd' i.e. not posh name. I am not sure whether or not it will bother her in later life , but it sometimes bothers me when I see people wondering about it. On the other hand, I have got used to her name and I sort of like it now, it is her name and it suits her. I'm glad we didn't change it, as that would have been another loss or change for her to deal with when she was older.

Mind you, if she had been called Princess Trixi or something I may have been less accepting.

IMHO it's very shallow to judge a person by their name.

Thing is, if you change a child's name for anything other than very good reasons, you might change it something that BECOMES embarrassing or difficult in later life.

I dunno, there might turn out to be a cartoon character or even a serial killer with that name in the future...

I haven't adopted children but I can understand a new adoptive parent wanting to choose their child's name, just the same as any other new mum.

As for children being confused, we gave our DD a beautiful 3 syllable name. We didn't want it shortened but it seemed such a big name for such a little girl. So we started to call her Pumpkin. That got shortened and the shortening was what we called her after that.

Everyone else used her proper name, and she answered to both. When she was 2 1/2 we suddenly realised she probably didn't know what her real name was, and she was about to start playgroup. We stopped using her nickname immediately and started using her real name.

No confusion at all and within a really short time she had forgotten she was ever called anything else.

thats interesting evenhope, we had a similar experience in our family. My cousin Linda ( can you guess how old we are!!!!) called herself Lala as a toddler and it stuck. It was only when she went to school that her parenst thought that she might not think it was so cute when she was 15 so they started to call her Linda again . She adjusted within a few weeks and doesnt seem to have been traumatised by the experience. Nor does she seem to think of herself as a cat

Our adopted son who came to us aged 6 months, has got a really unusual name, that we would never even have thought of. Unfortuately it rhymes with our surname as well. To begin with I thought it was a huge deal, but after reading several adoption books in which adopters said they felt that everything, including their name, had been taken from them, we decided to stick with DS' name. We have given him 2 middle names (one plainish and one a bit fancier) that we would hope he might consider if he were to decide to change his name in later life. Day to day we just use a similar nickname, as do his nursery. Luckily our son is quite a personality and his slightly rhyming names really have come to suit him. The only time it bothers me now is when they call out his full name at the doctor's . I think if a child's name is proving to cause them problems they will be cunning enough to get it changed to something they can live with before the job interview stage and at school if his teacher knows he is adopted, I hope he/she will be wise enough not to make judgements based on names.