Proper despair post

[despairingdeedee]

Adoptive mother - 2 children. One 9 and one much younger.

I don't wish to put off future adopters so I will preface by saying I love them to bits.

To everyone else - this morning I feel like I cannot possibly carry on. I literally have become exactly the adoptive parent I know I shouldn't be and I must be doing a terrible job and hurting my kids but I just don't think I can do this anymore. Most of the posts on this board are lovely and eloquent and very measured. I warn you now, mine won't be.

It's not even that extreme. I don't have two huge teens who are out all hours of night, taking drugs, with the police.....yet.

This morning, though I love them, I just wish we had never looked into have kids. Why did we want them so much? And I mean any kids, bio or not.

Im in a supportive marriage but both of us really struggling with life. We try to divide up chores evenly, kids have lovely clubs, I approached post adoption support and now both have started therapy. I had some therapy too about parenting them but I know it all - Im just too fucked off to put it into practise 50% of the time.

Child A - 9 - has a few send issues. Spent years battling nHS etc. Now is diagnosed and is mostly a well behaved but bloody hard work child. SEND issues make it difficult for me to relate to them so I don't feel close to them. My life is all routine and anything nice is ruined by their constant obsessing and anxiety. Although well behaved at school and getting a ton of extra help, they are years behind. I've made my peace with that but fuck it's hard work educating people who work with them year after year.

I speak to them about their bio parents etc, very open. They ask me questions. Then the other day they told me they would live with their birth family again one day?! I'm not sure what the fuck I did wrong there. I explained that wouldn't happen because of X,Y and Z. They they said when they are an adult they will. We talked and I said of course they can meet them when an adult etc......... but my heart HURT. What am I? A stand in fucking parent? Just raising someone else's child for them? I've poured so much energy into this child. I'm completely empty and they come up with shit like that. Now, they are emotionally immature too but I just felt so unloved in that moment. And still to be honest. It has really affected me even though I know logically it's just what a child says. It has been hard sharing their story in an age appropriate way because their understanding is limited in many ways.

Then child 2 is much younger with complete rage issues. Also in therapy. Really hard work, scratches, bites etc. is much better than they used to be but the temper is just foul. I know all the trauma reasoning but when they are slapping me I don't really care! I spend all my time trying to give warnings about changes, talking through emotions etc. they are much better than they used to be but if we have to rush or something then they turn into a ball of rage that I have to force into the car seat.

These kids are complete opposite. The therapist said that they are too. They are impossible to parent together. My husband and I barely speak anymore because they just demand all of us.

We have done all we can for these kids and to keep our family unit functioning:

• I have supportive family who occasionally have them so we can have a date evening.
• They are in therapy
• I have fought school and the NHS to get the support they need. It's now in place for the older one at least.
• I've done the reading around trauma.
• I've gone from full time to part time in order to be there more for the kids etc.
• I'm on anti depressants

But I'm so angry about life that I lose my temper with the kids and shout at them. I spend a lot of time now wondering what my life will be when they are teens and dreading it. My husband and I are just trying to survive. We've often said that it would be easier to parent them if we divorced because then at least we would get a few days break to be alone a week. I have become so furious I've had to go into my room and scream into a pillow. This is not good for the kids.

I'm so miserable. It's just one big slog. And I'm sure I would feel this way about biological kids too if they were like this. Why did we do it?! TWICE?!

@despairingdeedee
Im glad to read things are a bit more settled. I have two, one is putting me through the absolute wringer at the minute, and I swing wildly between ‘I’ve got this’ to ‘I’m the worst mum ever’.

I agree with many other posters that self care is key. You can’t do this running on empty. Or as they used to say round these parts, put your own oxygen mask on first.

Have you got real life adopters in your life? I treasure mine. If you don’t have them, find some. (Try your social worker or adoption UK.)

Thank you for posting with an update, OP. I followed your post and understand your despair/frustration/upset. Adoptive parenting is SO bloody hard. No one really gets it unless you are in the same shoes. And some of us are. I have been where you were in November. I had awful thoughts a few years ago when I really wondered why I had done it (twice too). I still have bad days but not as bad as they were. Keep going, we are all here for you - rant, scream whatever. We are here and understand. Your pp about adoptive and SEN parenting hardly being a barrel of laughs really resonated with me. Big hugs. x

@user1471464167 I’ve been revisiting this thread after a traditional Christmas Eve visit to our town’s independent cinema to watch It’s a Wonderful Life with AD1 (just about to turn 16). This post has really resonated for me and also been very helpful as it seems likely that AD1 will be moving into supported lodgings in the New Year. There have been too many years of violence, aggression and verbal abuse, coupled with the extreme levels of scaffolding and micromanaging required to help a trauma experienced child who is also disabled and neurodiverse present a semi-functional face to the outside world. I feel at peace with this decision and I’m hopeful of a new and more positive chapter in our relationship. I - but mainly the professionals who have enabled and maintained the domestic abuse in my household - also need to let my AD2(7) have a happy childhood.

@despairingdeedee it’s wonderful to hear that things are not so desperate for you now.

This is such a lovely and supportive community and long may it flourish. Merry Christmas one and all! 🎄🎅I sincerely hope that the Big Fella bestows magic upon each of your homes tonight.