Proper despair post

[despairingdeedee]

Adoptive mother - 2 children. One 9 and one much younger.

I don't wish to put off future adopters so I will preface by saying I love them to bits.

To everyone else - this morning I feel like I cannot possibly carry on. I literally have become exactly the adoptive parent I know I shouldn't be and I must be doing a terrible job and hurting my kids but I just don't think I can do this anymore. Most of the posts on this board are lovely and eloquent and very measured. I warn you now, mine won't be.

It's not even that extreme. I don't have two huge teens who are out all hours of night, taking drugs, with the police.....yet.

This morning, though I love them, I just wish we had never looked into have kids. Why did we want them so much? And I mean any kids, bio or not.

Im in a supportive marriage but both of us really struggling with life. We try to divide up chores evenly, kids have lovely clubs, I approached post adoption support and now both have started therapy. I had some therapy too about parenting them but I know it all - Im just too fucked off to put it into practise 50% of the time.

Child A - 9 - has a few send issues. Spent years battling nHS etc. Now is diagnosed and is mostly a well behaved but bloody hard work child. SEND issues make it difficult for me to relate to them so I don't feel close to them. My life is all routine and anything nice is ruined by their constant obsessing and anxiety. Although well behaved at school and getting a ton of extra help, they are years behind. I've made my peace with that but fuck it's hard work educating people who work with them year after year.

I speak to them about their bio parents etc, very open. They ask me questions. Then the other day they told me they would live with their birth family again one day?! I'm not sure what the fuck I did wrong there. I explained that wouldn't happen because of X,Y and Z. They they said when they are an adult they will. We talked and I said of course they can meet them when an adult etc......... but my heart HURT. What am I? A stand in fucking parent? Just raising someone else's child for them? I've poured so much energy into this child. I'm completely empty and they come up with shit like that. Now, they are emotionally immature too but I just felt so unloved in that moment. And still to be honest. It has really affected me even though I know logically it's just what a child says. It has been hard sharing their story in an age appropriate way because their understanding is limited in many ways.

Then child 2 is much younger with complete rage issues. Also in therapy. Really hard work, scratches, bites etc. is much better than they used to be but the temper is just foul. I know all the trauma reasoning but when they are slapping me I don't really care! I spend all my time trying to give warnings about changes, talking through emotions etc. they are much better than they used to be but if we have to rush or something then they turn into a ball of rage that I have to force into the car seat.

These kids are complete opposite. The therapist said that they are too. They are impossible to parent together. My husband and I barely speak anymore because they just demand all of us.

We have done all we can for these kids and to keep our family unit functioning:

• I have supportive family who occasionally have them so we can have a date evening.
• They are in therapy
• I have fought school and the NHS to get the support they need. It's now in place for the older one at least.
• I've done the reading around trauma.
• I've gone from full time to part time in order to be there more for the kids etc.
• I'm on anti depressants

But I'm so angry about life that I lose my temper with the kids and shout at them. I spend a lot of time now wondering what my life will be when they are teens and dreading it. My husband and I are just trying to survive. We've often said that it would be easier to parent them if we divorced because then at least we would get a few days break to be alone a week. I have become so furious I've had to go into my room and scream into a pillow. This is not good for the kids.

I'm so miserable. It's just one big slog. And I'm sure I would feel this way about biological kids too if they were like this. Why did we do it?! TWICE?!

Yes Im a parent to non birth children not related to me or my partner

An adopter?

Unlike the 50s and 60's, when nice single ladies from normal families had gotten themselves pregnant and felt shame at their situation, hence handing babies for adoption, children are now only removed from mothers who have multiple issues and cannot be left in charge of babies. Nature beats nurture every time, I feel this is glossed over during the adoption process. Adoptive parenting is the hardest type of parenting.

Luckily as a modern adopter I'm fully aware of why children are adopted, and was fully aware before I applied. I'm also an expert in my kids issues passed onto them by their birth parents too. Thankfully I adopted through a local authority that didn't in any way gloss over anything. In face we often felt like they were trying to put us off!

I’m really tired from another weekend of dealing with my teen’s antics but is there another relationship that could be described in this way (except maybe an SGO?)

@Catleveltired sorry, I meant to quote this statement! I think I should name change to AdoptiveMumLevelTired!

I'm curious. I found both posts... Odd. For an adopter, in the UK system. For an adopter in the UK system trying to support another adopter. The language/tone a little unusual/uncomfortable for someone who chose adoption?

Thank you all for the posts, comments, suggestions and support.

Unfortunately there are a lot of things I just can't change at the moment with the therapy. It's only available during the week as it's through the post adoption support team so I have to go with them. We've also only just started it so I can't change it yet. It would cause more problems for the children.

I can certainly try to take back some time during the day for myself. We've had a bad run of luck and it has meant I've had to have a lot of meetings/hospital visits etc taking up my time. Hopefully this will ease soon. I am reading and appreciating you all

Also, life won't get easier; teen years are coming when ACEs and puberty kick in together, and secondary socialisation means who don't know who is influencing them. Unlike the 50s and 60's, when nice single ladies from normal families had gotten themselves pregnant and felt shame at their situation, hence handing babies for adoption, children are now only removed from mothers who have multiple issues and cannot be left in charge of babies. Nature beats nurture every time, I feel this is glossed over during the adoption process. Adoptive parenting is the hardest type of parenting.

Yeah - I know all of this

@despairingdeedee yes, you must try to take time to recharge your batteries; self-care is so important as you can’t pour from an empty cup. As I write, I’m managing my impossible and incredibly complex teen, her seven-year-old sister and my widowed and frail mum, who this week has been hospitalised with pneumonia and confusion. I’ve been having therapy for me (through the ASF) and I’ve identified that I don’t value me enough. I can’t work (carer to my two and my mum) so times are hard but I make time to light candles every night once the b*ggers are in bed and I read my book for 30 minutes minimum (I was an avid reader pre-adoption) and every Friday morning, once I’ve done the hideous school run for AD2, I wallow in a piping hot bath with luxury bath oil while the children are at school. It feels so luxurious and I used to feel so guilty but no more. This is my time and I ring fence it now.

To be fair, from someone traumatised from being deep in the trenches of adoptive teenagerdom, I think that @KorbutFlipLivesOn makes a good point - if slightly clumsily - about how hard things can potentially get - if you are very unlucky, like me. If I could revisit my adoptive experience with my AD1, I would front load all of my support now, at your children’s ages .

Thank you Brontë, your life sounds tougher than mine! All we can do is continue trudging onwards.

Yeah, I've tried to get in and get the kids all the help they can from a young age. I've worked with teenagers and I have learnt that you cannot force a teenager into getting help. So I think I just decided I would do it while they were young and thought it was fun! Hopefully it will pay off at some point.

I literally can't do anything else for them. I accept that they will always find life hard but hopefully I'm building the foundations for the future

@despairingdeedee

And there you demonstrate what an excellent mum you are. A real mum.

Remember how amazing you are.

@despairingdeedee I literally can't do anything else for them.

So now it’s okay for you to start doing things for you, to support you.

@despairingdeedee

my old nan would have said God only sends you what you can cope with.
No I’m not religious, and I am deep in the mire with a very complex and challenging 12 year old fosterling at the moment, so I do wonder what the hell she was going on about!
But I remember how difficult times often were with my adopted son. I can honestly say that the therapy years were the most emotionally and physically punishing years of my life. But we survived, he turned out ok and is off at university.
One thing I did learn was the value of self care. You can’t pour from an empty cup and all that. I dont think adopters do nearly enough self care. Personally I loved cub and scout camp, mainly because I didnt go! But its finding something that you can fit in.
Its great that you can have the occassional date night. I know you werent particularly looking for suggestions but I wonder if its possible with a bit of support at home for you individually to go off and have a weekend break?

hang in there, you’re doing a grand job

I am so sorry you are feeling such deep despair. Like you we adopted twice but unlike you it was 2 sets of 2 siblings .2 out of 4 had EHCP's . They all came aged6+ There were times we felt like giving up. And totally and utterly exchausted. Two things that helped were a) learning to care for myself. I set myself the aim of doing 4 things for myself to replenish my wells of inner energy. Something physical(a swim,walk,hair cut) something creative ( stopping and listening to music,cross stich knitting gardening) something cognitive(reading,listening to a podcast,learning a new recipie) something spiritual(lighting a candle,praying/meditating ) none took more than an hour . So i carved out 4 hrs a week for me i still worked 3 days a week and juggled after school activities,sports clubs and therapy but those times were so precious in keeping me going. My husband took up running to work 2x a week and playing bridge on line. B) we wrote a lettet to friends and family saying how we were exchausted,felt we were failing our children etc and askes if they could offer us one time in the next 6 months when they would have 2 of the children. They rallied round and we managed 4 nights out and a whole night away.
They are now all in their 30s but i remember those days of sheer exchaustion
Sending strength to get through

Hi

Firstly going to say you are not alone! It's is fucking hard! I apologize in advance for those who don't like swearing 🙈
It sounds like you are doing everything you can getting the correct services, school, therapy etc and sometimes it feels like its a never ending treadmill and you can't get off.
I'm also in therapy and having post adoption support.
I'm trying day by day not holding to the past and the day before as you will never forgive/forget and it all ends up as one big mess so my advice is just deal with that day.
Give post adoption a call and explain how awful you are although not at disrupted stage yet, explain that it might happen and see 8f kids can go to restbite FC if this is available.
Those who are on here who also maybe in similar situations maybe organise a call, zoom or just text messages where u can all be honest and you might just feel a bit better with exchanging advice, support tips and wine recommendations 🤣.
Speak to hubby say you are feeling overwhelmed. Maybe talk to your work and see if there's room for some leave or unpaid or even is there any service through work you can obtain?
Sending you lots of hugs and hand holding.

It’s very hard, I’m currently absolutely exhausted after another round of surgery for my DD, juggling work, school, childcare, medical appointments. I had a planned weekend at a craft retreat but just couldn’t enjoy it because I’m so tired, running on about 3 hours sleep between my two.

The only way through is to keep the very basics covered - everyone fed (whatever that looks like), nobody dead - my house looks like it’s been picked up shaken and it’s freezer good for dinner but such is life.

I haven't had time to read the full thread but I have 2 kids with complex medical needs and 1 of them has challenging behaviour . Because of their severe learrning disabilities and high level medical issues we have tons of appointments and I have now learnt ( finally ) that I don't have to engage wuth all of them if it is not helpful.
Now I am not talking about therapy for the kids I am on about any other consultations that are not really helpful or could be done over zoom or the phone.
for example I should be travelling an hour and a half each way to.another hospital today but circumstances are making that v stressful so I have said I can do a phone call but that's it today. I am prioritising my stress levels over worrying what the consultant will think of me. I am gradually realising that I have to protect myself and nurture myself as much as I can because I feel v weary at present. You need to do the same. Relax whenever you can. Do only what you have to . Get signed off work and sleep all day. Whatever it takes is what you need to do.
It is bloody hard and you are doing an amazing job. I often wish I could win the lottery and provide cleaners, nurses ,therapists whatever to all these lovely families struggling so much .
Sending a hug of support x

@despairingdeedee hi, I just wanted to say you are not alone but also that there is light on the horizon.

We have a birth child (19) and an adopted child (13). Both have given us our fair share of difficult moments. Our older child is autistic and our younger one is currently school refusing.

It looks like you are getting as much help as you can with the kids.

Just a few things to say, please do take or leave them as you feel appropriate.

• Child saying they will live with someone else - just ignore it, my birth child at 3 asked me to leave the house so they could just live with dad, I didn't and now I can honestly say we both have a brilliant relationship with them (but they were hard work at 8 and at 14!)
• Perri-menopause, in your shoes I would go back to the doctor and get referred to a specialist, if at all possible. My friend had horrendous periods and ended up being given a hysterectomy in her forties. I am not a doctor and not recommending that, but the process to get help might determine what would help. One of my children is trans, has horrendous periods and gets a medication to stop periods, the depo and other medication, which does work, sort of, certainly helps to make it a lot better.
• Lastly, YOU I think you need some extra love and care and your husband too. Find as many ways as you can together and apart to fill your cup up!

I know you do not want advice but this is my experience ...

Like you I wondered if it would be better to be separated from my husband but I was thinking one of us would take one difficult child and the other take the difficult other! It was never a serious thought but it did appeal at times when it seemed our kids could not be under the same roof together.

Now as a young teen and a later teen, although their relationship is still difficult, they are a bit better. Teenage years are hard but it is not all hard, somethings get easier, sometimes.

Thanks all, I went to the doctor. Well, the nurse, because there is no such thing as a doctor anymore!
She was sympathetic to my hormone issues but has essentially just put me on the pill. I wanted HRT but have been told to do this first for 3months and that the first month would be rough.

I'm swinging wildly between wanting a divorce and walking out, to sobbing in a corner because I'm letting the kids down. Husband and I have argued a fair amount.

I screamed at DD yesterday because she lied to me. My reaction was totally disproportionate. We chatted afterwards and she told me she is sad when I shout I apologised but honestly I'm just damaging her further. She then wanted a hug from her dad and not from me. Understandable but I don't think I should be here anymore.

I've approached a Councelling company for an appointment.

I feel like I need to move out while the tablets and all this bloody help kicks in but I can't. I have nowhere to go and effectively would be abandoning my husband and kids. That is unforgivable. He would never cope.

I stormed out this morning and drove around for an hour. Parked up and cried. I feel so trapped. Im home now, shut in the kitchen. I find myself going round in circles. If I leave then I'm letting them down. It feels like if I died then they could just move on with their lives? Perhaps my life insurance would pay out too so financially they would all be ok, then I wouldn't be here to damage everyone around me.

I feel like I've gone completely mental. I think it's probably all of the hormones flying about but I genuinely think that death seems the safest way out and I'm fully aware that isn't normal thinking. I can't even say it out loud because it sounds so mental.

Im not actually going off to kill myself, but it does seem the least messy way out. Which is absolutely insane - of course it isn't. But that is how my mind is going at the moment.

@despairingdeedee can you stay here and chat to us? I’ll keep you company while I’m listening to the Archers’ omnibus (one of my weekly self-care rituals). I’m sure that others will be along soon, too. I just want you to know that you are seen and heard on here. I’ll post more in a few minutes…

I'm still here. Just in the kitchen. DD came in for a hug and I feel a bit out of it now to be honest. She asked where I went this morning and I lied. What's the point though - she knows I'm not myself.

DH made me a cup of tea and has just been looking after kids. I don't think I'm capable of leaving this chair to be honest. Kids are doing ok actually

We were supposed to put up our Christmas tree today but we agreed that it would depend entirely on my mood. So it's not happening anymore. I don't want to taint a lovely ritual!

I am so sorry you are so low. You say you have nowhere to go. Is there anyone you could go and stay with for just one night? Someone who would let you rest,not have to talk ,have a long bath. Your friends and family may be picking up your despair but be unsure how to help. I think because we as adopters go through all the assessments about what sort of parents we will be we set oursleves higher standards and want to be the perfect parents. Very few of those who assess us have experience of the constant exchaustion of parenting children who have had trauma. Please go out for a long drive find somewhere for a coffee and keep reaching out to those on here who understand.

@despairingdeedee I don’t really want to give you advice because I know when I’m in the state that you are, I resent well-meaning people who want to try to ‘fix’ the situation rather than just listening to me vent!

That being said (😅) a few things leap out at me: did your GP do any low mood questionnaires with you/speak to you about depression? Lying in adopted children is so pervasive and all-consuming that it can become a massive trigger for many of us (it certainly is for me) so please try to forgive yourself. We’re at the stage (mid-teens) that I’ve come to accept that when DD1’s mouth is moving, there are lies spilling out. It bends my mind as I find that adopters are generally people with appropriate moral compasses; can your hubby take the children out for a few hours today so you can have a hot bath/have a kitchen disco/scream into the abyss? Please don’t spend your own money on counselling/therapy - contact your adoption agency for an urgent referral via the Adoption Support Fund.

@despairingdeedee you stay where you are. It sounds like your DH has got this re: the kids. It’s okay for our children to see that we are actual human beings with all our frailties: we can put so much pressure on ourselves to be super-human.

You have my permission to leave the Christmas tree to next weekend (when it is actual December! 😅) Look after yourself today, accept your limitations and do as little as you can so you can try to recharge your batteries.