Proper despair post

[despairingdeedee]

Adoptive mother - 2 children. One 9 and one much younger.

I don't wish to put off future adopters so I will preface by saying I love them to bits.

To everyone else - this morning I feel like I cannot possibly carry on. I literally have become exactly the adoptive parent I know I shouldn't be and I must be doing a terrible job and hurting my kids but I just don't think I can do this anymore. Most of the posts on this board are lovely and eloquent and very measured. I warn you now, mine won't be.

It's not even that extreme. I don't have two huge teens who are out all hours of night, taking drugs, with the police.....yet.

This morning, though I love them, I just wish we had never looked into have kids. Why did we want them so much? And I mean any kids, bio or not.

Im in a supportive marriage but both of us really struggling with life. We try to divide up chores evenly, kids have lovely clubs, I approached post adoption support and now both have started therapy. I had some therapy too about parenting them but I know it all - Im just too fucked off to put it into practise 50% of the time.

Child A - 9 - has a few send issues. Spent years battling nHS etc. Now is diagnosed and is mostly a well behaved but bloody hard work child. SEND issues make it difficult for me to relate to them so I don't feel close to them. My life is all routine and anything nice is ruined by their constant obsessing and anxiety. Although well behaved at school and getting a ton of extra help, they are years behind. I've made my peace with that but fuck it's hard work educating people who work with them year after year.

I speak to them about their bio parents etc, very open. They ask me questions. Then the other day they told me they would live with their birth family again one day?! I'm not sure what the fuck I did wrong there. I explained that wouldn't happen because of X,Y and Z. They they said when they are an adult they will. We talked and I said of course they can meet them when an adult etc......... but my heart HURT. What am I? A stand in fucking parent? Just raising someone else's child for them? I've poured so much energy into this child. I'm completely empty and they come up with shit like that. Now, they are emotionally immature too but I just felt so unloved in that moment. And still to be honest. It has really affected me even though I know logically it's just what a child says. It has been hard sharing their story in an age appropriate way because their understanding is limited in many ways.

Then child 2 is much younger with complete rage issues. Also in therapy. Really hard work, scratches, bites etc. is much better than they used to be but the temper is just foul. I know all the trauma reasoning but when they are slapping me I don't really care! I spend all my time trying to give warnings about changes, talking through emotions etc. they are much better than they used to be but if we have to rush or something then they turn into a ball of rage that I have to force into the car seat.

These kids are complete opposite. The therapist said that they are too. They are impossible to parent together. My husband and I barely speak anymore because they just demand all of us.

We have done all we can for these kids and to keep our family unit functioning:

• I have supportive family who occasionally have them so we can have a date evening.
• They are in therapy
• I have fought school and the NHS to get the support they need. It's now in place for the older one at least.
• I've done the reading around trauma.
• I've gone from full time to part time in order to be there more for the kids etc.
• I'm on anti depressants

But I'm so angry about life that I lose my temper with the kids and shout at them. I spend a lot of time now wondering what my life will be when they are teens and dreading it. My husband and I are just trying to survive. We've often said that it would be easier to parent them if we divorced because then at least we would get a few days break to be alone a week. I have become so furious I've had to go into my room and scream into a pillow. This is not good for the kids.

I'm so miserable. It's just one big slog. And I'm sure I would feel this way about biological kids too if they were like this. Why did we do it?! TWICE?!

And I know it affects the kids because eldest said to me "calm down mummy, you are always cross"! I just can't pull myself together. To add in I think I might be perimenopausal as this is 1000000x worse around period and I'm having brain fog etc. no doctor will discuss that with me yet though.

So sorry, it sounds impossible. Sending hugs but wish I could send more.

I'm so sorry. I am really glad you feel able to say some of your feelings here, though. You sound utterly burned out, the pair of you.

I don't think you need suggestions just now, so I'm not making any.

I'm just thinking of you, and here reading if you need to let it out.

There aren't any suggestions anyone can give really. I feel like we have been very proactive in getting the services and support the kids need. I guess I hoped it would get better but I still feel the same

I wonder if you rang post adoption on Monday and threatened disruption, whether some respite for a weekend could be found?

I think you need a break. A weekend of rest.

Have you applied for DLA etc? Have you outsourced everything you can at home, cleaner, admin, etc?

You sound so tired, I'm so sorry. Here's a virtual hug, tea, chocolate, and a week's holiday.

@Catleveltired just to say that I am genuinely at the point of disruption (I have been refused a Section 20 order) after 15 years with my teen who has extremely complex needs and is off the rails - and there is still no respite care forthcoming.

@despairingdeedee sending you solidarity and my heartfelt best wishes. Vent away! We are your safe space while you need us.

(I know you don’t want suggestions and you’ll probably be like 🙄 now - but please do read up on compassion fatigue/secondary trauma and blocked care.)

Please know that you are not alone. 🫂

@BrontëParsonage I'm so sorry. The system is dreadful.

I was just thinking back to when PAS asked me if we were at the point of disruption. I sort of assumed they would do more if I'd had to answer yes. But probably not.

Please, vent here. We get it. It's so hard, and so isolating.

Thank you all.
I'm not at the point of disruption - it's a daily hideous grind but my kids aren't off the rails yet or extreme.

Yes. - we get DLA for both. Nope, can't outsource any cleaning as I now only work a couple of days a week and we are skint. I actually have two days "off" as they are in childcare/school but it isn't really. One of them will always have a therapy appointment, a two hour round trip away. Then rushing back and forth doing food shop/other appointments/cleaning/dinner/pick ups/clubs. I'm not complaining about that really as husband still works full time and pulls his weight when home etc. I'm fortunate I can be part time because of their DLA money.

I'm just miserable. Adoption, trauma and SEND isn't a barrel of laughs.

Just realised I said they aren't extreme but compared with my friends kids they are. Funny what we get used to isn't it!

@despairingdeedee I sympathise: I often feel that the ‘support’ put in to help us actually causes us more stress (your two- hour round trip, for example). I often argue that it would be more helpful to fund cleaners, food boxes and babysitters so we can reserve our energy for the parenting-plus we have to do every day and recharge our batteries.

I agree actually. Their therapy is just miles away and it's a lot of driving for a 45minute session. By the time I've planned it around school drop off and pick up, it pretty much eats my day up. But that was the point of going part time. My work would have never granted me 3 hours off in work time every week for my kids doing therapy.

@despairingdeedee I am the single parent to two (non birth-related) children both of whom are diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, as well as other disabilities. I hear you. I just want you to know that you are seen.

You sound utterly exhausted and run down - and I'm not surprised. Adoptive parenting does, in our case anyway, seem to be one long uphill grind - mainly to get education, health and sicial services to be doing what they should.

If I can offer any light at the end of the tunnel, it's that for us age 7/8/9 were the absolute worst years and after that things have settled. It is still exhausting, but more of the supports are in place and I am not having to go back to square one every time.

Is there any possibility of looking to change the therapy to something more family based? This was a game changer for us; both children had separate therapy (but in the one place) and there was parent support too from people who had full knowledge of the children and were then also able to help work out systems and strategies for parenting two children with very different presentations and needs.

Take care, stop being so hard on yourself and instead try to feel proud of all you have achieved for them already.

I feel this so much. Practical tasks being done for me would be much better support than "come on a parenting course!"

It all sounds so hard. Just wanted to follow up on your comment re perimenopause. You might have already done this but - can you investigate if any GPs at your practice/nearby either specialise or will sympathise a bit more with this. HRT can make an enormous difference to some of what you're describing, some doctors get it and some really don't.

Is there an option of a Carer’s prescription from your GP? Just to give you a bit of breathing space? Not sure if this is a postcode lottery thing but we made use of it for a while. And I hear you. It is so tough. Xxx

This sounds wonderful and I Googled excitedly, but, no, this does not exist where I live. So unfair!

I think I'm definitely perimenopausal. I'm 38, had issues with periods since I was 15. All the doctors want to do is get me on the pill, which I have refused steadfastly for years. So then I'm pressured into having the coil. None of it is needed for contraception, they are determined to get me to have it. But I have had these things before and the pill made me suicidal. I'm not having the coil, they can stick it up their arse. I know it might make me bleed for months on end and they will refuse to take it up until a certain time.

I absolutely despair of anything related to periods in the NHS. But every month I am filled with absolute, uncontrollable rage. I hate it. Everything is terrible, I can barely cope with anything for about a week a month.

I might look at saving some money to see a private doctor perhaps. Im not sure if they even would be sympathetic

This sounds very hard. I recognise a lot of what is in your post; and I have only one DS.

The first thing I want to say is you are not in any way (based on your own frank account) the adoptive parent you shouldn't be. It sounds like you have been an amazing advocate for them. And you're doing that while taking emotional and physical pummelings. Being an adoptive parent is often about rising above/dealing with more than the ordinary (and the ordinary is more than hard enough). You are not a stand in and your DC will know and feel your care; even if they can never acknowledge that outwardly. None of this will necessarily make us feel better. But it is important to try and remember/tell ourselves.

Secondly, if you're part time and have some home alone time. Take back some of it for you if you can. I have a Wednesday to do house work while DS 7 is at school. I have just enough time to get everything done before pick up at 3pm, IF I start as soon as I get back from drop off. But some weeks I come home and sit on the sofa for the first hour or so doing barely anything. Some of my jobs then just don't get done until the weekend or following Wednesday. But the weeks that happens, I just know it's because my batteries need it. Being pulled in all directions is exhausting, especially mentally. You need 20/40/60mins just to rest your brain and your heart as much as the vacuuming or dishes need doing.

Thirdly we do our 2 hour round trip for play therapy on a Saturday morning once a fortnight. Saturday was not our first choice because it eats into what should be rest and frankly can disrupt the rest of the weekend with the after shocks. But on the flip side, it cut out messing up school. DS could worry about it in the open without feeling he had to mask in school first. And he could process afterwards while having the buffer of a Sunday. And for us, DH and I take it in turns to take DS. So every other therapy session one of us gets a couple of hours home alone. It was DH who insisted we only go once a fortnight. The therapist wasn't keen; but has now conceeded that it seems to work for DS to not have it as a weekly pressure. And of course it means a reduced time commitment for us. With 2 DC, your session timings are probably a lot more complicated. But if going to once a fortnight or getting them moved to the weekend could gain you back time, it may be worth trying for.

I hope the above helps a little. You're doing an amazing job and I'm sending hugs.

@LittleBear21 I found those tips really helpful, thank you.

Are you on the Childhood trauma and attachment Facebook group? The one with Neil Griffiths? They are a supportive bunch.

I'm so sorry you feel so drained; perhaps manage your therapy sessions differently? Ask for them to be conducted in schools as the routine no longer works for you. If the therapist won't change (because their time is money), ask PAS for a new therapist and explain why. ASF funds the therapy for your child, and it has to suit you, not be a slog each week. Also, life won't get easier; teen years are coming when ACEs and puberty kick in together, and secondary socialisation means who don't know who is influencing them. Unlike the 50s and 60's, when nice single ladies from normal families had gotten themselves pregnant and felt shame at their situation, hence handing babies for adoption, children are now only removed from mothers who have multiple issues and cannot be left in charge of babies. Nature beats nurture every time, I feel this is glossed over during the adoption process. Adoptive parenting is the hardest type of parenting.

@KorbutFlipLivesOn are you an adopter? I found your tone in this post quite uncomfortable.