Proper despair post

[despairingdeedee]

Adoptive mother - 2 children. One 9 and one much younger.

I don't wish to put off future adopters so I will preface by saying I love them to bits.

To everyone else - this morning I feel like I cannot possibly carry on. I literally have become exactly the adoptive parent I know I shouldn't be and I must be doing a terrible job and hurting my kids but I just don't think I can do this anymore. Most of the posts on this board are lovely and eloquent and very measured. I warn you now, mine won't be.

It's not even that extreme. I don't have two huge teens who are out all hours of night, taking drugs, with the police.....yet.

This morning, though I love them, I just wish we had never looked into have kids. Why did we want them so much? And I mean any kids, bio or not.

Im in a supportive marriage but both of us really struggling with life. We try to divide up chores evenly, kids have lovely clubs, I approached post adoption support and now both have started therapy. I had some therapy too about parenting them but I know it all - Im just too fucked off to put it into practise 50% of the time.

Child A - 9 - has a few send issues. Spent years battling nHS etc. Now is diagnosed and is mostly a well behaved but bloody hard work child. SEND issues make it difficult for me to relate to them so I don't feel close to them. My life is all routine and anything nice is ruined by their constant obsessing and anxiety. Although well behaved at school and getting a ton of extra help, they are years behind. I've made my peace with that but fuck it's hard work educating people who work with them year after year.

I speak to them about their bio parents etc, very open. They ask me questions. Then the other day they told me they would live with their birth family again one day?! I'm not sure what the fuck I did wrong there. I explained that wouldn't happen because of X,Y and Z. They they said when they are an adult they will. We talked and I said of course they can meet them when an adult etc......... but my heart HURT. What am I? A stand in fucking parent? Just raising someone else's child for them? I've poured so much energy into this child. I'm completely empty and they come up with shit like that. Now, they are emotionally immature too but I just felt so unloved in that moment. And still to be honest. It has really affected me even though I know logically it's just what a child says. It has been hard sharing their story in an age appropriate way because their understanding is limited in many ways.

Then child 2 is much younger with complete rage issues. Also in therapy. Really hard work, scratches, bites etc. is much better than they used to be but the temper is just foul. I know all the trauma reasoning but when they are slapping me I don't really care! I spend all my time trying to give warnings about changes, talking through emotions etc. they are much better than they used to be but if we have to rush or something then they turn into a ball of rage that I have to force into the car seat.

These kids are complete opposite. The therapist said that they are too. They are impossible to parent together. My husband and I barely speak anymore because they just demand all of us.

We have done all we can for these kids and to keep our family unit functioning:

• I have supportive family who occasionally have them so we can have a date evening.
• They are in therapy
• I have fought school and the NHS to get the support they need. It's now in place for the older one at least.
• I've done the reading around trauma.
• I've gone from full time to part time in order to be there more for the kids etc.
• I'm on anti depressants

But I'm so angry about life that I lose my temper with the kids and shout at them. I spend a lot of time now wondering what my life will be when they are teens and dreading it. My husband and I are just trying to survive. We've often said that it would be easier to parent them if we divorced because then at least we would get a few days break to be alone a week. I have become so furious I've had to go into my room and scream into a pillow. This is not good for the kids.

I'm so miserable. It's just one big slog. And I'm sure I would feel this way about biological kids too if they were like this. Why did we do it?! TWICE?!

I'm so sorry you're so low. Did you manage to explain to the nurse just how low? I wonder if you feel you can call the crisis team near you? Or the Samaritans to talk to? Can you email your post adoption social worker explaining how low you feel now, so they ring tomorrow?

Your children cannot manage another loss. Whether that's you leaving, or dying, or even (as I dream of sometimes) being admitted with a broken leg for a few weeks with food provided, no work, no housework, no children. The children may push you, but they need you so much. If all you can manage today is staying alive for them, then that is enough.

And absolutely do the tree next weekend! Just sit for now. Stay alive. Everything passes.

Thank you all. I won't leave , I can't leave. I do love my husband and my children. DD sat with me for a while doing her nails. DH has just held the fort.

I can't go anywhere else. I have family but very dysfunctional and it would make me worse going to them.

I can feel myself calming now. I was brutally honest with the nurse, I told her I've gone from a confident, successful at work and decent mother to someone who has gone extremely part time and now can't cope with my child even asking for a snack. . But I don't feel depressed. I know I'm showing all the classic signs but I've been on antidepressants for years and they've helped. I upped my dose and made lots of changes to my life but have sunk further and I'm honestly thinking I'm perimenopausal.

I need to ride out the next month. Honestly, I'm
not being dismissive of any suggestions there are just reasons behind not following some of them.

I'm going to try to engage with my family now. And that sodding tree is definitely not going up!

you sound utterly burnt out. Our children take so much from us and it often seems we get little back
cut yourself some slack, you are a great mum fighting for her children, but you are human, not superwoman.

day at a time, hour at a time if you have to, end of the day everybody fed, nobody dead, you got a success

Suggestions are just that, please don't let them make you feel any pressure at all, you're clearly trying everything.

I'm glad the wave that's come is leaving. It will pass.

@despairingdeedee I’m so pleased that you’re starting to feel calmer. And good decision re: the Christmas tree! Santa will let you off as you’ve been so good all year! 🤶

I’d love a sweatshirt with the ‘everyone fed, nobody dead’ mantra. Maybe I could make my fortune by printing them and flogging them to adopters?!

@BrontëParsonage

could be one of those ‘side hustles’ MN seems so fond of

"Everybody fed, nobody dead" honestly had me chuckling out loud. That is a brilliant mantra!

@Ted27 if only I had some energy left after managing two adopted children with very complex needs! 🤣

We also adopted two children separately. I can't say if what we have experienced is equal, better or worse than your situation. Just wanted to comment from the experience from the point of view of having grown up children - youngest is now 18.

Every phase passes. Teen years are both easier (more independent children, more personal time) and harder (bigger problems) than the years you are currently experiencing. What always gave me hope is that everything ends eventually, problems resolve etc - yes fresh ones come up, but sometimes a change is (almost) as good as a rest.

You have a solid team with your DH. That's massive. My DH has worked from home for the majority of their childhoods. I have always worked part time since the first one was placed. We have been able to share issues. My youngest has wound me up umpteen times; often I can stay calm and deal with it, sometimes not. DH has stepped in for me at times and vice versa.

As for going back to birth family. You can't know the future but in my time I've known a lot of adoptive families and I can barely think of any that fully returned, or even if they did, they didn't give up on their adoptive family.

My eldest got in touch with hers at 18. They live locally to us. It was worrying but actually no harm came of it at all. She'd socialise with them but never rejected us. She now sees the negatives about her bm who can't put anyone's needs above her own. She also has a stable job, boyfriend and friends who are far more important to her than her birth family. (Having all those 3 things in her life looked unlikely or impossible when she was a teen who couldn't maintain any friendships or follow instructions btw).

Youngest has anxiety and depression. Has had to be coaxed to do all sorts of everyday things over the years - go on journeys, go to parties, sleepovers, go to school during the pandemic etc). But she now holds down two jobs, the second of which she applied for and organised without any support from us.

She has also contacted birth family but only through social media. Is in no rush to meet anyone. And has always had a very negative view of bm, which had been bolstered by contact with half siblings that know her (dd doesn't as removed as a baby).

You will get through this. I always tried to see the positives and progress and not let myself get beaten down by all the 'what ifs'. It's not easy.

I screamed at DD yesterday because she lied to me. My reaction was totally disproportionate. We chatted afterwards and she told me she is sad when I shout I apologised but honestly I'm just damaging her further. She then wanted a hug from her dad and not from me. Understandable but I don't think I should be here anymore.

You’re human, and you have your limits. Of course your DD is sad when you shout, you’re sad when she lies - we all have times when people make us feel sad. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there in all your shouty human glory.

I do remember being incredibly reactive during peri menopause, HRT sorted it almost immediately. I’d go back to your doctor or nurse and refer them to NICE guidelines. There’s no requirement that you try the pill before HRT, if they won’t prescribe ask for a second opinion. Honestly it’s a nonsense that we need to fight so hard but much of what you’re describing in your thoughts and mood are so consistent with menopause which can be easily sorted. Can you take some time off work to attend to your own health?

Yes I thought it was strange the nurse didn't just put me onto HRT. I've got to have a blood test next week but she admitted it probably won't show anything. I have done my research so I also know it's pointless but the guidelines do say to do it as I'm 38.

She said it's similar hormones to HRT. I imagine it's just cheaper for the NHS. For me too I guess as at least contraception is free.

I've battled for years for anything to do with my periods. If I feel murderous like this by next week then I will go back as I can't survive 3 months like this as a "wait and see".

With regards to work, yes I could get signed off. It's a job where it will put huge pressure on everyone else though. Underfunded etc. ultimately it's a job where once you've been signed off you kind of never go back. I'm not ready to leave it yet - I am trying to retrain. It's another pressure but I've done what I can to alleviate it.

@despairingdeedee how has your day gone? (I can’t join in the perimenopause chat as I am - thankfully - through the other side now; just to say though, that there is a menopause board on here so it may be worth checking out?

Thinking of you despairingdeedee, hope you feel better today.

You are hugely valuable and important.

If the pill made you feel suicidal before, is there anything else you can try, the depo etc to stop periods or control things?

If you are not happy with the response from your GP surgery, make another appointment and ask to speak to a mental health specialist and or another person about your hormones. Yes, there are waiting times etc, but do ask.

You are doing well, you will get there. Don't make any rash decisions at all. Just plod on and you will start to feel better once you get the help you need from the medical side. I think you are right and it is peri menopausal. For me, I went through menopause at about 40, with very few symptions.

Thinking of you.

I'm currently in the bath. I've had a couple of blow ups today but right now all is peaceful. I've managed to spend a bit of time with the children, though both are wary of me. Poor things. I'm going to have an early night.

Right now I feel ok. But it just flips so quickly. I'm actually a bit scared of losing it at work as it's a very front facing job. But it's only two days, only two days then I can hide away again!

Will definitely fight my corner re menopause.I've got to or I won't survive. She told me to run the pill packs together to skip the periods for now so will try that.

@Onelifeonly just wanted to say thanks for sharing your experiences as an adopter with grown children. It has actually provided me with some much need reassurance!

@despairingdeedee

Just on the birth family thing. As your children grow up and their understanding of their situation matures, their views about the birth family will in all liklihood change.
My son is now 19. He last saw his birth mum when he was 4, no letterbox, nothing. There have been times when he was obsessed with her. Now he shows no interest at all. I think the last straw for him was her having two more babies when my son was 15 and 16, both of whom were removed.
Unusually we had direct contact with dad. Dad couldn't maintain it and it's petered out.
When he was about 14 and desperate to meet mum I asked him what he wanted out of meeting her, a one off meeting or more and did he want to go back to her. He was horrified by that thought and told me I was by far the best bet! He knew enough by that time thar she could never give him the lifestyle he had with me. And thats what he wanted.
Same with dad really. He knows he will never be the dad he wants or needs. So he is just no longer interested in chasing what dad can't give him. He is getting on with his life, choosing how he wants to live. He knows I will always be there, we are still incredibly close, but he is making his own life now.

You sound like an amazing mum at the end of your tether. I'm so sorry things are so hard. I really hope you are listened to a bit more on the health side and that things start to get better soon. Sending solidarity x

Our children are now 30 to 39. Two sets of siblings. Our oldest has a learning disability and adhd. He has bounced around girlfriends flats ,hostel, sofa surfing and has had time in prison. He is touch with us most weeks and can be thoughtful but lives life on the edge . He says he is 7/10 when asked how happy he is. He turned up on mothers day with a cheap necklace I guess he might have "aquired" and said it was for me as he saw me as his "real " mother. Our second had significant mental health problems in his teens and lived in a theraputic project for a while. We used to have to drop food into the car park for him as he would not see us . in his mid 20s he found love! He regained contact with us. Yest we had a lovely visit to see him and his family.he is an amazing parent to his non verbal son who has autism. He is loving and caring towards us and we love seeing him and his family every month ( they live 2hrs away) Our third moved back to live near his birth family in his 20s. Our relationship with him is fragile but he is still in touch. Part of his tension is he moved from a rural area to inner London when he joined our family aged 8. He prefers living in a town in a rural area but feels he was forced to leave his roots. He sees his extended birth family but doesnt feel he belongs there our youngest went to uni,got married this year ,has run marathons,climbed Killimanjaro,canoed up the Thames and represented Uk in his disability sport. So going on the Adoption Uk research. 1 is securely attached 1 had a few rocky years . 1 had very challenging behaviour ( stole our car ,broke furntiure ,hit us, went to orison) but is attached to us and 1 is still struggling to find a place he belongs and is unhappy though just about keeping down a job and rented flat. Although it has been very challenging at times and we were exchausted fighting for them to get help at school,positive activities, supporting friendships etc we have many happy memories of going away in our camper van,youth hostelling, back packing round New Zealand .
We have no regrets but recognise our lives in our 60s are different to our friends as we still have to offer a lot of support to our eldest ( this week have talked to a substance misuse worker ,a learning disabilty social worker and a housing worker) . I still believe that adopted offers children stability and love and with good support can enable them to be able to become adults who can offer and receive love

How're you doing?

I just wanted to reach out to say that this was just how I was feeling a very short time ago- I found that my antidepressant was wrong and was interacting with other medications.
You don’t need to feel this way, and your doctor should take it more seriously because the birth control could be impacting and interacting with your antidepressants. Ask your GP to put in writing that you have told them of your mood and symptoms, and they refuse HRT. If that doesn’t work, report to urgent care.
You can feel better and you will feel better.

I'm doing a little bit better. Still explosive but, inbetween explosions, much calmer. Emotions/hormones seem to be settling a little, certainly not as dire as I was. I'm quietly hopeful that this might mean the road to recovery BUT also may well just mean I'm in the middle of my cycle and therefore calmer....

I just wanted to drop an update on here before Christmas

Things have settled for us. I went to the doctors a few times and have some new medication which is starting to work. The kids have bizarrely started to settle back down.

My youngest has suddenly become a lot more loving, lots of kisses and hugs and it has made us realise that perhaps we are doing something right!

I am surviving again and feeling relatively calm.

Thank you all for the support during that dark time. I'm sure times will be dark again but I wanted to update and say that I've come out of the other side of this one!

@despairingdeedee
That is great news. I am so pleased for you . Enjoy the peace and I hope christmas provides lots of opportunity to build great memories and also to recharge those batteries.
A day at a time is my mantra ( though I am increasingly adopting Ted's wise words of " All fed , no one dead " which keeps making me chuckle but which is actually the distilled wisdom of it being OK just to survive in the face of much stress and many setbacks . Sometimes that alone is a victory ! )
Anyway I wish you and yours peace and blessings for Christmas and the year ahead. x