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Adoption

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Original poster

Our kids arrive on Saturday...

115 replies

mummyBop · 05/03/2008 16:29

Our children will be formally placed for adoption with us on Saturday, so any tips from those who have already been through this?

They are a sibling group (4,6 and 8)whom we've known for about 18 months as we've done respite foter care for them.

I have a "welcome" box each with some goodies in and have sorted their rooms. Anything else we should be doing?

Thanks
MummyBop

OP posts:
KristinaM · 08/03/2008 22:58

forgot to say.. [whispers] i agree with xenia ( a first EVER)...dont put their stuff in black bin bags

bin bags are for rubbish. they dont think its rubbish even if it is to you. please dont put it out yet

its very important

you are reacting out of a strong maternal instinct - you want to claim then by dressing them in clothes you bought for them. its entirely natural. but you cant do it just yet....sorry

KristinaM · 08/03/2008 22:58

oops sorry

Janni · 08/03/2008 23:05

Mummybop - the early days are the hardest, when
they're still very attached to the FC and you're feeling you have to prove yourself. It will have been hard for the FC to let them go and they will miss their foster home for about six months or so, until they get immersed in their new life with you. Take it all REALLY slowly and don't imagine that how it is now is how it's always going to be - things change on a daily basis with children.

You are doing an amazing thing here. I is a HUGE thing to go from being a couple to havin three children, all old enough to have very strong ideas of their own. Try to be very gentle with yourselves and supportive of each other.

Our DD has been with us for seven months now. Initially she mentioned her FCs about twenty times a day, now its maybe once a week, if that. You really need to let them talk about their foster home until they don't need to any more.

HereWeGoRoundTheMulberryBag · 08/03/2008 23:14

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 09/03/2008 07:54

And children, whether you gave birth to them or not, are never what you make them. We borrow them which is a privilege and they are all different and individual. They have strong views and they are often right and the parents wrong even. It's about compromise as well of course as some guidance. It's not about doing X and they do Y. They are so different from having say a pet around or something that does as you say. Anyway you've had them to stay and know this stuff already presumably. In a sense an adult / parent can always say I'm throwing out your stuff but usually better to be tolerant. What will happen to the 4 black sacks in my loft area of the silly twin's old clothes which clearly his own children won't want in 20 years' time remains to be seen but that attachment to their things is very strong. I absolutely detest the Chelsea shirt one of mine has and I have never one breathed a word that that's what I think.

But what you're doing it great. They get a chance to stay together as siblings which is so important. They have a stable home. People who will love them. I am sure it will be fine but I can't imagine having to adjust to 3 children at once. It must be like having the first baby (which is the biggest life change anyone has) but all at once so many and older ones too and ones who may not have had such a good life so far.

Original poster
mummyBop · 09/03/2008 08:15

Thanks everyone

I am calmer about the foster carers - i think yesterdday I wasn;t coping and they became the focus of my feelings. I do feel really sorry for their foster carers as it is hard to let a child go - I know we were foster carers before this. Part of the job is letting go, which is also why we chose to take a different route as we found it too hard. I do also feel whilst you shold show you are upset, you shouldn't overly burden the children with your feelings - the kids keep asking if I think "fc name" is still crying. We have talked about this and them in general and said its OK to feel sad/angry etc and they have even made and written thank you notes to them.

As for their spare clothes - they are in bags in the spare bedroom - and they know they can take stuff out of them. We talked about what to do with it as it doesn't physically fit in ther rooms and they suggested the bags. I am not getting rid of anything at this stage - I'll review in a few weeks. I may even get some more storage for their bedroomns so we can fit more in.

This morning I was awake early (and half the night - too many things in my head) and saw the boy had disappeared - he was asleep in bed next to his little sister. It was very cute. This is something that has regressed on as he's been in his own room here with no problems for about a year, but then I half expected that.

I think in my head yesterday was just going to be an extension of a normal week/weekend with them - and it wasn't. Not only the "stuff" but the emotions too - I know I handled it really badly and hope we can get through it. I know its takes new birth mums 6 weeks plus to adjust, so its probably the same here, but I have to be there for them too, were as a new baby need relatively little. Its very draining.

Thanks for all your support and sorry this is rather a jumble - I am so tired.

mBop

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 09/03/2008 08:21

mBop, don't be too hard on yourself.

you sound like an amazing woman and clearly think about everything a lot from everyone's perspective.

i'm glad you're putting yesterday's experience into perspective.

there's always something you can feel bad about as a parent. i often have a teary moment after dd has gone to bed when i/we've had a challenging day! and i've only the one lively 2yrd old!

hang in there and keep being the loving, compassionate woman you are. every day your dc will do something wonderful (and probably something naughty/annoying/irritating lol).

hope church goes well today and the children continue to settle.

i have so much respect and admiration for you.

QOD · 09/03/2008 08:29

mbop you sound like a great mum
I know another lady who has 3 adopted kiddies, 2 are full siblings, 1 is from another parent pair.
She found it hard that people kept saying WOW YOU ARE AMAZING TO ADOPT like it was some huge charitable thing. Don't get me wrong, its a wonderful thing, but it was her route to a family life too.
She knew she was having ds2 from about 6 wks, but he was kept in foster care until 9 mnths, even though she already had his full brother! Insane system.
Best of wishes for the future

ChutneyMary · 09/03/2008 08:42

Well done MummyBop, glad you are feeling better today. My DB and SIL have adopted 2 boys (separately) and the way their lives were thrown into the air was incredible. It was great turmoil, so to speak, but very intense and emotional for all of them.

Keep posting here to let us know how it's going. I will be thinking of you and your family over the coming months and look forward to hearing how they are settling in.

All the best.

VanillaPumpkin · 09/03/2008 08:52

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you MBop. There is very sensible advice on here (esp from Xenia about 'borrowing' your children for a bit and her hating her dc Chelsea shirt . I am only just learning to let go of dd1 a bit now she is at school and it is tough)..
I think you are certainly being far too hard on yourself. This process will take time and I know you know that but you can't help hoping for more.... It is totally natural. And as someone else said you will never have to go through that first day again .
Wishing you lots of strength and patience. You are going to do an amazing job with your children. Give yourself a break first.
P.S. The 'sharing' of a home with a newborn is sometimes hard. Their stuff gets everywhere, let alone three big children and obviously more possessions than a child who has not been through what they have (40+ pairs of trousers is slightly mad to say the least).
You are great! Good Luck.

barbarianoftheuniverse · 09/03/2008 10:50

Just to say Good Luck and to strongly recommend clear zip up plastic storage bags for junk! In which things can be located without tipping the whole bag out. Only way we cope with, for instance, 176 teddy bears. John Lewis do them and I don't think I have yet bought up their entire stock.

frumpygrumpy · 09/03/2008 11:42

That is gorgeous sleeping in with his sister. Thats really great. I will thank you on their behalf for keeping them together as a trio.

Keep going and keep posting. Thats exactly the reason MN works for me. It drags me up from the pits when I am in need

Janni · 09/03/2008 11:58

That's a great idea from Barbarian about the see-through ziplock bags because otherwise the children will be tempted to empty everything all over the floor to find their piece of treasure!

Hope your day is going OK.

KristinaM · 09/03/2008 13:07

mummybob - you wrote

......- I know I handled it really badly and hope we can get through it. I know its takes new birth mums 6 weeks plus to adjust, so its probably the same here,

you are mad woman!!!!! You handled it really well. go easy on yourself. of course you will get through it

and as for bio mums taking 6 weeks to adjust - my oldest is 22 ( years not weeks) and i am still adjusting. just as you think you have this parenting thing sussed they go and change the goalposts on you

Janni · 09/03/2008 14:16

Mummybop - I just reread what you said about the foster carers yesterday. Our DD's foster mum cried from the moment we started introductions. I used to feel a bit annoyed, as though I had to look after her, but the truth is her attachment to our daughter and her complete love for her has given our daughter so much strength and stability. Also, the entire extended foster family kept giving her presents, just like your experience. You just have to shrug your shoulders and accept it. Before long you will be the legal parents, you will have the control you don't have at the moment. Hope things are OK today.

Kindersurpise · 09/03/2008 14:30

Mummybob
Just read this thread and wanted to say that I think you are doing fabulously.

You and your children are so lucky to have each other.

Wishing you all the best.

Judy1234 · 09/03/2008 15:25

Sounds like you're doing very well.

(And I agree no one need 40 pairs of trousers - it's ridiculous. More normal to have 2 - 4 presumably or in this house anyway that's including ones with holes in. But keep them as long as they want them.

Original poster
mummyBop · 09/03/2008 21:34

Thanks everyone - we've had a much better day today, more like a normal Sunday here (well apart from my tears at church as I felt so overwhelmed by it all).

They are now all asleep and we have things ready for school tomorrow, so hopefully that will go OK too.

I did unpack all their clothes and put them in piles on the spare room bed - after all we won't be welcoming overnight guests for a while. The "stuff" seems less of an issue today. I am trying to get the storage bags suggested, but Argos locally are out of stock, so I've got my mum on the search for them as realistically I won't get much chance this week.

Thanks Janni for helping me to see how the strong attachment to their foster carers will help in the long run, even if yesterday was more difficult than I had expected.

Thanks again to everyone for your input and support - I have really needed it over the past 48 hours.

Off to bed now!

Bop

OP posts:
VanillaPumpkin · 09/03/2008 21:42

Yay! Well done all of you. Sleep well .

Tickle · 09/03/2008 21:45

Lovely to hear you had a good day! We're all here to listen and to help, anytime, so just come and tell us how it's going

squeaver · 09/03/2008 21:55

Hello I've just been having a read of this thread and have no experience or expertise to contribute but just wanted to say how much I admire what you're doing. The children are so fortunate to have you both as parents.

Nighbynight · 09/03/2008 21:58

So glad it is going better - I can't imagine what it must be like to go from 0 to 3 in one day. Hope it just gets better from now on.

MoreSpamThanGlam · 09/03/2008 22:00

I need an emoticom for [astounded, amazed and admiration]

If I was one of those children, i would want time with you and I would want you to listen, listen, listen...

We need to have a Mumsnetter of the month award for you...

hifi · 09/03/2008 22:13

mb, be prepared for lots more regression, it will always happen in times of upheaval, good luck.

JayneF · 10/03/2008 12:10

Oh MummyBop, well done for yesterday. Hope you ave a few more steps forward before yu get any back.

So many great understanding people on this thread,... I know none of you and have none of the issues MummyBop has, but it makes me feel so positive and happy to read your support for her.

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