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Adoption

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Our kids arrive on Saturday...

115 replies

mummyBop · 05/03/2008 16:29

Our children will be formally placed for adoption with us on Saturday, so any tips from those who have already been through this?

They are a sibling group (4,6 and 8)whom we've known for about 18 months as we've done respite foter care for them.

I have a "welcome" box each with some goodies in and have sorted their rooms. Anything else we should be doing?

Thanks
MummyBop

OP posts:
Idreamofchocolate · 08/03/2008 19:10

Oh Bop. I don't have adopted dcs so have no experience, but just wanted to send you my thoughts and best wishes. You are doing a fantastic thing by taking on three children and it will be hard to start with. You've all got to get used to each other and accept that this is real and forever. I find having 2 dcs overwhelming at times and so admire what you are doing. I'm sure many others will tell you that it will get easier (or more 'normal') in time, but it's bound to be hard at first. The children do need to settle in and accept that this move is for real and for always. It sounds like their FCs have not helped make this period of transition any easier for you all.

Anyway, just wanted to send my best wishes and love to a you all.

midniteoil · 08/03/2008 19:14

Hello Bop

Hope you're sitting down, with a cup of tea. 3 kids is always exhausting, even when it's not a special day full of high expectations all round.

I'm really sorry to hear it's not been the wonderful day you imagined. Don't be hard on yourselves, any of you. Emotions must be running high for everyone, especially the children. You are doing a great thing, and you know it's not going to be easy.

Hope tomorrow is more settled. Perhaps church might be too much? We'll say a prayer for you.

It will get better.

HonoriaGlossop · 08/03/2008 19:16

Sorry to hear it's been a difficult day but you are getting through it which is all you can do. You'll never have another 'first' day

I agree with you that the foster carers made things harder; at the very least they should have been ready. I don't know to be honest how to feel about them crying...first gut reaction is that they should have kept it together but then again, perhaps it was healthy for them and the kids to show their feelings; it may have let the kids release some pent up anxieties and it shows that there was a good bond which will be good news for you in the long run.

40 plus pairs of trousers/tops sounds an outrageous amount to me!!!!! DS has about five or six pairs of trousers, probably about 20 or so tops? about 5 sets of PJs. maybe 15 pairs pants?

I think as the days go on you may well be able to sort some stuff into bags for the loft or something, toys wise. You'll notice what they play with most and what they ignore!

Good luck though, take heart, first day nearly done!

Hassled · 08/03/2008 19:26

Was lurking here earlier in the week and am full of admiration for you. Being a parent is such a hard job but most of us get used to it slowly and gradually, not 3 at once. It will be hard work, but worth it - as I'm sure you know! Just be consistent.

Yes, 40+ pairs of trousers is ridiculous but do nothing for a couple weeks - then slowly move stuff into bags for jumble/whatever. DItto the toys.

Good luck - I have 4 of my own with such conflicting demands and personalities, but I've had time to get used to the relentlessness of it all. You sound like a capable, caring person and just go very easy on yourself.

PABLOP · 08/03/2008 19:30

HI mummyBop, sending you some hugs. I'm sure it will get better, Good advice from HG. I bet its not long before you're posting about all the good times you will have with your new family.

mummyBop · 08/03/2008 20:20

Thanks - am feeling a bit better now.

I've actually bagged up most of the clothes that came today and just kept out the ones I know they like, plus the ones that were already here. If they want anything in particular we can always find it.

As for toys, I'll see what they play with and slowly bin some of the rest. I am sure that some things wil get broken and that will be a good reason to let other things go.

Mr Bop is being a star and doing bed time as I needed a break - it has been a hard emotional day all round.

As for church - we wil go as they want to go as they have friends there and it will give us all a break as they tend to sit elsewhere and then go to Sunday school.

I did have a nice moment - my eldest dc asked why I was upset earlier - I said I felt like a bad mum and she asked why. I said because I was annoyed and snapped at them at dinner; her reaction - "all mums do that, you're fine"!

Thanks again to everyone
Bop

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 08/03/2008 20:34

Bop I have no experience of adoption (my mum was adopted but it has no relevance here). I am a mum of 3 children though.

Stay strong. You should expect a rough ride for the first few days at least. Thinking back to having my first baby, it took me 18 months to feel like I knew what I was doing.

I had stuff all over the house, my house. Not the stuff I had lovingly prepared and bought but all manner of stuff from other people who meant well but that I was not expecting. I wanted to shut out the world and shut out all this stuff and get back to normal. And I couldn't.

Look at it long term. Say to yourself that each day is part of the learning curve and that it will be months for it to settle. Reassure yourself that it will be fine as you have cared for these great kids before and enjoyed them and it will be that again.

For now, its upside down. Inside out. Expect to feel like you wished you'd never done it and that you'll never cope.

Then you will cope.

Then you will realise that none of it matters, the hair clips, the rooms, the bags of stuff.

What matters is that your children stay secure (that means keeping the 40 pairs of pants within sight) and stay loved.

You will be a family and you are doing just fine. Your feelings are just like mine when I brought home my first child seven years ago.

Stay strong.

p.s. creep in and look at them when they are sleeping.

p.p.s. expect a broken night.

frumpygrumpy · 08/03/2008 20:40

AND......bump.

Girls, is this not an amazing woman? I think you are fab!

JingleyJen · 08/03/2008 20:44

followed this thread and not posted but just wanted to agree with Frumpygrumpy..

You and your Dh sounds like amazing people, these children are really lucky to have you both as parents.

PABLOP · 08/03/2008 20:45

oh frumpygrumpy that was lovely brought tears to my eyes. Yes mummyBop is an amazing woman.

fryalot · 08/03/2008 20:46

hi, mummybop... sorry things didn't go exactly to plan. It sounds like the foster carers made things a lot harder than they need have been, but I suppose that goes to show how much they love your children.

You are probably in for a rough few days/weeks, but things will settle down, and before you know it, you'll be giving other adopters fab advice with the benefit of all your experience.

pedilia · 08/03/2008 20:51

Hope things are looking more positive for you all now.
I can remember the day I moved from my foster carers house to my mum and dads and the feelings I had, I was still only very young but remembering feeling very bewildered and more so after a couple of days when I reaslised we were not going 'home'

We did not take long to settle though (although my parents might disagree though

oooggs · 08/03/2008 20:52

well done mummybop - 3 children are hard - I know and I have had time to get to know and grow with mine

I have friends who have adopted and it does get better

you are amazing and so is daddybop - stick together it will be worth it

hertsnessex · 08/03/2008 20:57

Sounds as though you are doing an amazing job. I hope you all enjoy church tomorrow and have a wonderful day.

Xx

JayneF · 08/03/2008 20:57

Good evening Mummy Bop

I am a great believer in the big JC dishing out only as much as He thinks you can deal with. It is a big big thing you do...you must be a big hitter in His eyes!!

My every best wish is with you and I hope to hear of a good day or even a great one soon.

Keep strong, keep loving, keep forgiving and keep on being amazing.

Frizbe · 08/03/2008 21:12

well done on your 1st day, it may not have gone exactly to plan, but onwards and upwards, your doing an amazing job

cazzybabs · 08/03/2008 21:22

I hope you have some wine open...even having a newborn is nothing like you imagine it. Good luck and stay strong.

Love and prayers.

coggy · 08/03/2008 21:33

mummyBop...I have read your thread with great interest and admiration. My DH and I are just starting along the adoption road.
I wish you and your lovely family all the happiness and joy that you can have.
God bless you all.
X

grannyslippers · 08/03/2008 21:40

Mummybop, hold on in there - you can do it and the DC's need you to. It's quite healthy for the FC's to be upset (if a shame they couldn't hold it together a little) and the DC's because it was their home and the best family they knew for a long time. You have 3 frightened and disorientated LO's to deal with at a time when you're just as disorientated.

I remember the bags of stuff and plasticky toys that came - not all what I would have chosen by any means, but we were advised to be cautious about bagging things up in case they feel another move is impending. Also later on we discovered which were special things bought by birth parents and have kept a few of those as keepsakes.

I remember SW telling us about a family whose conservatory was filled (literally to the roof I think) with the childrens toys!

Make sure you go and peep at them when they are sleeping. Have a tear in my eye thinking of you - blessings.

soapbox · 08/03/2008 21:42

Mummybop - I can't imagine how difficult it is to go from no children to a 4,6 and 8YO, so I suppose some settling in issues are to be expected.

I would try and keep as much of their old stuff as possible around them - there is plenty time for pruning and getting rid of, to come

We used to have a fostermother who posted on here and it was gut-wrenchingly awful to read her posts when her foster children moved on, so perhaps cutting the foster parents a bit of slack over how today went might be fair

In many ways I think they do the ulitmate selfless thing in that they care and love for their foster children knowing that one day they will lose them - at least an adoptive parent knows they will be 'forever' parents.

I for one would like to spare a thought this evening for a couple who have seen their obviously loved foster children move on to a new life.

In the meantime, I hope that tonight has been uneventful and that tomorrow is the start of a new beginning for your new family

Tickle · 08/03/2008 21:54

Hope you all sleep well tonight, and have a lovely time at church tomorrow -

I have 4 children and never iron anything! Also our friends know that the house will always be a mess when they come round. But we're happy!

Judy1234 · 08/03/2008 22:21

It must be hard for it to happen all at once. I have the detrious and possessions of 5 children, 3 huge student ones taking up vast areas of my home like fungus in a sense but the invasion of space and privacy happens so gradually as you have one baby and then more that you don't notice it. Suddenly to have 3 there particularly three who are not happy must be very hard.

I would let them have absolutely all of their stuff however awful it is because any little thing you throw out they will object to. Today mine popped their bouncy sitting on thing toy. I wanted to throw away it away. It can't be mended. "No, we want to keep the memories of it ". The other week I sorted out far too small T shirts - one won't have them thrown away - wants them saved for his own children. I think they do get very attached to possessions and nothing should ever be thrown away unless they agree so I would stuff it all somewhere safe, like under their beds or in a corner of the bed room or a garage or anywhere but don't throw it away.

Just be very firm, very consistent and don't let them see you expressing frustrations. They are the children and they've had a really hard time not of their making. Because of our adoption system etc they have been allowed to bond with the foster parents and now yet again in their lives they've been wrenched from what they know so I suppose if it's possible just keep calm press on.

(And never iron in 23 years of mother hood I have never ironed anything)

saggers · 08/03/2008 22:30

mummyBop, the world needs more people like you. Good luck.

KristinaM · 08/03/2008 22:44

hi mummybop

i hope you are encouraged to see how many musmnetters have checked in to see how your first day went

sounds a lot like the first day home from hospital with a new baby - you imagine its going to be so special and full of lovely moments that you will remember. in practice its just chaotic and messy with a lot of tears. and a lot of hormonal shouting/crying at DH/DP

I suspect that the feeling of being overwhelmed by their stuff and by everyone elses's feelings is in some way symbolic of the whole thing of becoming a parent. However well prepared you think you are, you end up feeling

" help I cant do this...what have we done...what have we let ourselves in for...."

thats why the Fc bought them new stuff and weren't packed in time. they thought they had accepted the fact that they were leaving - but they hadnt. it will take you all soem time to adjust

these children have more emotional baggage than you thought and they will disrupt your life more than you can imagine. but it will be worth it

KristinaM · 08/03/2008 22:48

forgot to say.. [whispers] i agree with xenia ( a first EVER)...dont put their stuff in black bin bags

bin bags are for rubbish. they dont think its rubbish even if it is to you. please dont put it out yet

its very important

you are reacting out of a strong maternal instinct - you want to claim then by dressing them in clothes you bought for them. its entirely natural. but you cant do it just yet....sorry

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