Another one of those threads

[Ted27]

I try to stay away from them, but eventually get sucked in 😩

Me too. I get way over invested but then I also think so much ignorance and prejudice can’t go unchallenged. I can feel myself becoming less and less measured with each response so I probably need to step away.

I just wanted to say thank you to those who showed compassion, thought and intelligence in that thread.

As an adopted person it was pretty brutal and I don't have the strength (or politeness) to respond.

So massive thanks to those who have, from this adopted person.

It was awful. Like adoption bingo (in a bad way)

I haven’t read it all but it made me quite emotional (sad, angry, frustrated, none of the good emotions). From a parent of both an adopted and birth child, no it’s not the same. Adoption is harder, for me, to become a parent. But the love I feel for my children is the same in some respects but in others, the love for my adopted child is fiercer because I need to protect him more (because of his vulnerabilities) and fight for him more (because his vulnerabilities are overlooked) but the love both children receive is all encompassing and they are both loved as if I have known them forever. No difference. What really annoyed me was how our kids are considered damage. Most adults, had they gone through a fraction of what my child did in his early years would be diagnosed with complex ptsd but he is considered “damaged” with “behaviour issues” because of ignorance of adults with not an ounce of compassion. He isn’t damaged, his brain is responding how it should. Also, while we are at it, why aren’t the kids mentioned from their perspective? Regardless of anything, they still need permanent homes to live safely throughout their childhood. I’ve questioned a lot about my decision to adopt and I go back to the point, I loved being a mum, I wanted to be a mum to another child, I knew there were children needed families and I felt I could offer a child security and love regardless of their background or needs. And although we aren’t at the end of our journey (we will never be!), it feels like a success because he is with us and we have protected him from harm. That’s what adoption is about. THE CHILD!!

The bit that does confuse me, is people saying that 'adoption shouldn't be second choice'.

I think people confuse second choice with second best.

Many adopters, myself included, come to adoption via infertility. Some people seem to think that this means adoption is some sort of second best / consolation, and we don't 'really want' the children.

But we wanted a family. By far the easiest way would in theory be via conceiving ourselves, but that wasn't to be. Yes of course having our DC has fulfilled a need / desire for us (surely people don't adopt if they don't want to be parents?), but hopefully we have given back as much as / more than we have received.

These last few years have been incredibly hard, but I have friends who have been through as much with their birth children. I love my DC and feel fiercely protective of them. I have tried to be the best Mum I can be, even if I can't be their birth mum.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders , I couldn’t agree more! I think there are a lot of many unhelpful narratives peddled in the adoption world. I personally really question the adoption = all about meeting the needs of the child in care. Let’s be honest, adoption is about a self-selecting group of adults putting themselves forward to be prospective parents. It’s an imperfect process. But it is mainly about adults who are unable, for whatever reason, stepping forward to become parents. If there were an algorithm to perfectly match babies and children in care with the ‘right’ adult human for them, then maybe some of us wouldn’t have been chosen. Honestly, I think it’s okay for us to admit that we entered this process to become parents and it’s okay for us to have preferences on ages and stages, plus health conditions and disabilities. We’re only human and it’s okay for us to recognise our limitations.

We’re only human and it’s okay for us to recognise our limitations.

I think it’s massively important to recognise our limitations and also to acknowledge our preferences - adoption is a tough old road, I remember a good friend telling me to make it as easy as possible because the hard bits will find you anyway. So age, stage, gender should suit your own stage of life and your own desires. I’d caveat that with the usual health warning about not basing preferences on stereotypes or assumptions - eg the idea that a baby removed at birth will be just fine.

I also think after placement knowing your limitations can actively save the relationship and mean you can be there into adulthood where the relationship otherwise might break down entirely without support, including residential care if needed. There’s no benefit to martyring yourself to the serious detriment of your mental health, well being etc when another way may actually be more beneficial for the child.

Absolutely ok to ‘admit’ we adopt because we wanted to be parents, why else would we.
I think what has increasingly troubled me over the last few years is the number of prospective adopters who are highly prescriptive about the child or children that they want, or who treat view the adoption process as a consumer service.
Remenber the white guy who posted here about only wanting to adopt a black or brown baby and if they couldnt they would just go ahead and have a birth child.

Birth parents aren’t there to churn out babies for us, at any one time the children who are available to adopt are those that are in the system at that time. SWs can’t magic up children to meet adopters specifications.
Maybe it was always like that and I just didnt notice.

and I hate language such as ‘shortage’ of babies

@Ted27 , I slightly beg to differ, in the most non-confrontational way possible 😅, I do think there is now an ingrained narrative that adoption is all about finding the ‘right’ family for the child. You, I and everyone sensible here knows that this is not the reality of adoption but I do continue to read it on every adoption thread here. In my view, adoption is the least worst solution to a group of self-selecting adults trying to become parent/s as they are unable to do so through ‘normal’ methods.

I do agree with you about the ‘language’ of adoption; the ‘other’ thread has highlighted the deficiencies here. As the adoptive parent of a severely disabled teen, I’m all over the offensive and ableist language on MN. I like to think I am doing my bit to change the narrative for our families.

I agree about the cringing at ‘shortage’ of babies etc; I do wonder sometimes if becoming a ‘secondary’ parent ie adoption/surrogacy has just become too transactional-based in the eyes of society?

I’m sure that my thinking and postings are full of holes but I’m still learning, 15 years in.

I like to think that the people who are overly prescriptive about what they 'want' either adjust as they understand the process more, or drop out as they see their 'wants' won't be met.

I agree, the use of the word 'shortage' implies an issue, whereas actually it is a good thing in this case. Much better to say 'not many needing adoption'. But it is very nuanced and I guess not everyone is articulate or can appreciate the distinction.

@Jellycatspyjamas , I ‘think’ you’re a SW, but not in England? It’s actually very difficult to try to voluntarily put a child back into care here. Other adopters I know have been threatened with child abandonment charges. These are people parenting under extreme circumstances, think shocking levels of violence and aggression plus horrific and repeated episodes of antisocial behaviours.

@Jellycatspyjamas , I ‘think’ you’re a SW, but not in England? It’s actually very difficult to try to voluntarily put a child back into care here.

I am, in Scotland and it’s almost impossible to do that here too - so for me if a child is about to be returned to care it tells me how difficult life has been for everyone involved for a long time. Absolutely not a failure, but uninformed people light view it as such. In my view if someone is at that point, it’s a kinder thing to return to care than fight on when a care placement might relieve the pressure and preserve family relationships.

I think what has increasingly troubled me over the last few years is the number of prospective adopters who are highly prescriptive about the child or children that they want, or who treat view the adoption process as a consumer service.

I agree, while it’s important to know you’re preferences and needs, it’s about being realistic. I knew I didn’t want a baby or toddler, because my age and stage would have made that difficult so I wouldn’t have considered an infant. I had a preference for a boy/girl sibling pair, we looked at lots of profiles and would happily have matched with two little boys but for factors outside our control. Our needs were immovable, our preferences were up for grabs.

I have also had to step away. I felt more and more enraged as it went along. So much ignorance and prejudice from people with no.experience of adoption other than to know someone's second cousin twice removed who.once adopted way back when !
@Jellycatspyjamas your contributions were excellent so thanks for that.

@KennyMousetits
sorry you were upset by the thread. x

@EmmatheStageRat

Maybe 'best fit' is more accurate?

Yes absolutely all adopters should be going on some sort of learning journey as they go through the process.
But I do recall some absolute disasters on the old adoption UK boards when children were newly placed, and the adopters clearly hadnt learned very much and just wouldn't listen to a large group of established adopters all consistently giving the same advice.

Agree. I especially don't/didn't like it when people talked about 'jumping through hoops' or 'telling the SW what they wanted to hear', without seemingly trying to understand why the requirements were there.

I often wonder what happened to Shadow and Shadette if anyone remembers them.

Shadow and Shadette are both doing well. Shadette left home and there were a couple of rocky years but they seem to have a good relationship now. She went to college in her early 20s and as far as I know did ok. She seems to change her name every 5 minutes and I'm not sure what she is doing now. I know she is a talented singer and writes songs.
Shadow went back into nursing.
Considering where they were when Shadette was in her teens they have survived remarkably well and are getting on with life.

Oh thank you Ted that is really heartwarming to hear. I used to post on AUK under kanga2 until they went all blue bubbles, then I came here.

@Jellycatspyjamas your contributions were excellent so thanks for that.

Thank you, I guess I’m feeling more tolerant than I thought I was 😁

I was lost for words reading that thread... even more so when very long standing and very experienced Adopters responded to the many inaccuracies and offensive language.

My son is my own and is not damaged. He has been tremendously impacted by his early life.

All is pretty good here. After 4.5 years of near constant Professional involvement AS7 and I are going to have a break and return to the ASF in a year or two. We need a life to ourselves now and I know him inside out and what strategies to use.

This Board is absolutely brilliant and I will still be around xx

@Chocapple lovely update.

I finally finished reading the thread and wow it was hard reading. I know people talk about us as a family created through adoption but I am stunned at the language used and the attitudes of some people. My son is amazing and yea, impacted by trauma but if anyone else had gone through what he had, especially an adult, they would have serious mental health issues but because he is a child he is considered “damage” not as valuable as my birth child in others views.

@Chocapple , sadly, it’s par for the course here; you should read some of the disability threads. My
elder DD has severe disabilities. Every time, I vow I’m not going to get sucked in, but now feel duty bound to respond to correct false narratives. I hope that the drip-drip effect helps to bust myths and change the prevailing negative thinking around adoption.

4.5 years since I started the Adoption process and 2 years since my little boy came home. I need a break !

@EmmatheStageRat yes it's so frustrating...ignorant and judgemental people. I've even had to stop discussing anything relating to my son's difficulties with my family.

I hope things turn a corner or move a few inches with your oldest child..

@UnderTheNameOfSanders I remember you as kanga2 - I was Tokoloshe!