Good News

[Ted27]

Its often said that adopters rarely post about good news. So I thought I would start a good news thread and ask MN to pin it to the top.

I'll start

My son is 17 and going into his second year at college studying engineering. He passed year 1 with Merit. A fantastic journey from special school into mainstream education. He has a Saturday job in a grocers. He is good fun to be around and he has lots of friends. We have had our tough times but the future looks bright. He is a fantastic young man and I'm very proud and privileged to be his mum.

I love that your 11-year old gave you the opportunity to practice 😂

She’s an absolute star, I did giggle at the offer to practice though, it’s a strategy I use with her if she needs to say something hard to someone else so to have it given back to me was very touching.

I guessed that might be the case!

Lovely to read these updates. DD9 had been doing really well, but lacks impulse control so she’s getting into trouble at school this year. Fairly minor stuff so far, ‘borrowing’ highlighter pens from a friend, playground scuffles etc. But the lying, it’s like her default position. It’s almost compulsive. Any tips on dealing with this or sources of support would be great.

@dibly , this is a great read about adopted children and toxic shame:

thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/theory-article/the-impact-of-shame/

In my experience, schools are very fixed on the idea of truth vs lies or good vs bad, but this is not a concept which leaves our children with much room for manoeuvre.

Stealing and lying are very common behaviours for our children. The thing I’ve learned over the past 15 years of parenting my DD1 (currently, if her mouth is moving, then she’s lying!) is that it’s not helpful to take these behaviours personally, because that way madness lies. I’ve come to realise that there’s the universal truth, my truth and her truth. As adults, we can become very fixated on lies told by children as a moral failing.

As always, the Dan Hughes P(L)ACE model is very helpful for dealing with tricky behaviours.

I’m going to post some more resources in a separate post.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/modern-day-parenting/201709/adoptees-and-lying-why-your-child-might-be-telling-lies

www.adoptionuk.org/faqs/lying

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/child-adolescents/emotional-and-behavioural-support-for-children-and-teenagers/support-with-children-stealing-and-lying

thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/advice-strategy/stealing/

www.careforthefamily.org.uk/parenting/attachment-issues-and-developmental-trauma-2/

Love it when this board is top of the adoption pages! Sorry that things are challenging at the moment @Patchyman1 hope they look up soon.
I'm going to hold the description of digging the river channel from @Sigma33 in mind as it seems very apt to some of our family's situations which require constant re-digging and reinforcement!
Anyway, my good news is that we have had some very calm bedtimes recently (hoping I don't jinx it by typing that!) and my DS is slowly settling into Reception. He has lots of separation anxiety and I am so proud of the fact he is managing to do full time at school.

Thanks so much @EmmatheStageRat I’ll check those out

Yes, I wouldn't get into the lies/truth, good/bad approach.

Our DCs are surviving, and react in ways that are functioning for survival in their earliest experiences, where all too often there wasn't enough (food, comfort, love, stimulation, soothing) to meet their needs.

So they take what they see themselves as needing, because that's what they need to survive. Even if it is X has a pink highlighter and they don't (tho they have yellow, green and blue highlighters).

Admitting they took it means admitting they are 'Bad' or 'Inadequate' or 'Scared' and is against their need to survive.

Focus on righting any wrong, because that is important. 'You don't have a pink highlighter, and Jane has lost hers. So we must give it back to Jane.'

Don't ask them for a truth they can't give, just state the situation and what needs to be done. If they argue then say that if you are wrong you will apologise and replace the item.

No drama

So, today we went to panel and we are now approved foster carers. My young man was a star, I’m so proud of him.
Start of a new life for both of us !

Incredible news @Ted27 very pleased for you both.x

Congratulations @Ted27 - to both of you!

Congratulations Ted and Simba !!

I knew you'd smash it.

X

@Ted27 What great news! Well done to you and Simba, you’ll be just wonderful 👏xx

Great news @Ted27

Not sure our news is that special, but DD only has 1 more day of college left this term, so she has got through it. Looking forward to a very quiet 2.5 weeks to recover.

Fantastic news @Ted27 some very very lucky young people coming your way soon. I can’t think of anyone better!

@UnderTheNameOfSanders thats good news, every term survived is a victory. Have a fantastic Christmas break.

Our LO (6) has been with us for two months. They have started spontaneously saying 'I love you mummy' and 'I love you daddy' and giving us big cuddles. I never expected it so fast and it gives me the warm and fuzzies to know that they feel confident to tell us.

@Ted27 congratulations to you and your son! That's amazing news.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

Well done that girl, hope you have a great Christmas

@HailCheezus

Best Christmas present ever !

So much lovely news here! You’d almost think it was Christmas or something! 😅

@Ted27 , amazing news; I hope that the fostering panel rolled out the red carpet for your big boy? What an incredible asset to their children’s services? (I imagine you’ll do quite a good job, too! 😅) Any sign of an imminent arrival?

@HailCheezus , lovely, six-year-olds are the best and the most scrumdiddlylushus cuddlers!

@UnderTheNameOfSanders , good news indeed. Quite often my mantra is ‘all fed, none dead’ (even if it’s sandwiches for tea!) DD1 finishes at lunchtime tomorrow. DD2 may not make it into school as she is hot and tearful and there is Strep A and Scarlet Fever in her class. Plus, it was minus-nine this morning and my fancy-pants new car refused to open so we trudged two miles up a VERY big hill to school.

Anyway, the best news in our house - totally non-adoption related - is that our boiler, which broke on Sunday, was fixed this morning. How lucky we are to have running hot water and heat at the push of a button.

Just to add, for the second consecutive half term, DD1 (15), who is blind and has autism and ADHD, among other disabilities, was in the top 30 of her Y10 year group for positive comments and so was allowed a non-uniform day at school. This is unheard of for DD. Normally my phone pings all day long with negative behaviour comments. Obviously, this positive behaviour only appears in school!

Lovely to hear such good news. In our house, bedtimes have been better, I have finished work until the new year and both boys have been on school trips this week with glowing reports as to how they behaved, enjoyed them etc. Both break up at lunchtime today.
Now just got to figure out where to put the Christmas tree so the dog doesn't wee up it or pull it over!

Just resurrecting this thread. My DD has very complex additional support needs including learning difficulties. After the first lockdown in 2020 I arranged a tutor to help with basic literacy and numeracy, aged 9 my daughter couldn’t count to 20 and couldn’t read. Since then we’ve worked to resolve hearing problems which impacted her speech and language development, have started therapies to help her cognitive and emotional processing, tackled school problems that were getting in the way of her learning.

Tonight, for the first time ever, she picked a book to read independently before bed. A chapter book with lots of words and no pictures. She read two chapters and could tell me the story so far when I went to turn her light off. She has never chosen to read for pleasure, much less a proper book. I’m so proud of her and so pleased with her tutor, who always finds just the right teaching methods to help her learn. She has an uphill battle as far as education goes, but this feels like a milestone.

@Jellycatspyjamas

That's so lovely, sounds like something has clicked for her and of course reading is so key to the rest of her education.
I hope she carries on reading for pleasure - so much magic in those pages

Thanks @Ted27, we’ve also found out today she has a place in the local special needs school, which is a massive relief.