Good News

[Ted27]

Its often said that adopters rarely post about good news. So I thought I would start a good news thread and ask MN to pin it to the top.

I'll start

My son is 17 and going into his second year at college studying engineering. He passed year 1 with Merit. A fantastic journey from special school into mainstream education. He has a Saturday job in a grocers. He is good fun to be around and he has lots of friends. We have had our tough times but the future looks bright. He is a fantastic young man and I'm very proud and privileged to be his mum.

beautiful bracelet !!

DD struggles academically. She is probably going to drop a GCSE to focus on English and Maths.

Today I got this email:
'Afternoon Ms X,

I am Y’s Biology teacher at Z School. I am emailing home to let you know that Y has been brilliant in science this year. She always puts in 100% effort and makes sure that she is challenging herself in lessons. Whenever I have the chance to read what she has written in class it is fantastic!

I am sure Y might be nervous about the next two important years in her educational journey, but I am sure if she keeps up the hard work she will excel.'

She has also won a Jack Petchey award for achieving despite her challeges!

@EmmatheStageRat Beautiful.

@Sigma33 What a lovely email. Those kinds of things can be really motivating can't they.

My good news: DD2 was able to focus well for a learn at home day for college today. She got all required work done by 1pm without tears or undue stress. So much better than a year ago.

It is huge when they can do their best without stress. When their fear of failure/being an inadequate human being goes and they accept they are OK just the way they are. And that academics are just one piece in a vast jigsaw puzzle.

It has made all the difference to DD. Still challenges ahead, but way further forward than I ever imagined.

@GGG28 oh my goodness, that made me cry ! you will never forget that moment

@EmmatheStageRat I would so wear those, pm me your esty page

@Sigma33 great idea to drop a gcse and focus on the ones she needs, what a lovely teacher

@TeenDivided fabulous - onwards and upwards !

@Ted27
Yes, if she passes English, Maths and double Science I'll be very happy. She enjoys Food Tech and should pass that as long as she works consistently, that's very practical and there are always jobs in the catering industry.

@Sigma33 what a lovely email to receive from her teacher! You must be so pleased!

So frustrating! I don’t get notifications for this thread or indeed the Adoption board. Anyway, @Ted27 , as soon as our Etsy offering goes live, I’ll definitely let you know.

Life at home continues to be challenging for DD1 - and consequently the rest of our little family - but she is really starting to be noticed by her teachers at school - for the right reasons. She has had a whopping 88 positive achievement comments sent home since Y10 started in September and today I received a letter home informing me that she is in the top 30 of her year group and so can wear her own clothes to school on Thursday instead of uniform. I mean, obviously, the choosing of THE outfit will involve a lot of drama, tantrums, swearing, falling out, throwing of objects, aggression, woe-is-me, ‘I hate you because you only buy me crap stuff’ and ANXIETY, ANXIETY, ANXIETY. Anyway, that is tomorrow night’s crisis. But for now, I’m really enjoying feeling proud.

Having a tough time at the moment, everything just seems to be getting on top of us, hit me with some good news stories.

@Patchyman1

sorry to hear you are struggling
My boy is working in Tescos as he is having a year out, hoping to go to university next year. Driving test in February. He is very involved in his church. So we are jogging along in a nice, calm way
I have fostering panel in a few weeks so we are talking lots about how life will change - both feeling excited about the future

@Patchyman1 , I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough patch; without wishing to pry, would it help to share?

I posted the following on the other ‘good news’ thread, I really hope it helps to know that there can be beacons of light in the dark tunnel:

I’ve got a foot in the really difficult camp (teen DD) and the relatively easy camp (DD2 (6). I’ve possibly posted in the ‘horror stories’ thread about the reality of living with DD1 (suffice to say that I have had periods of blocked care and I’m most probably suffering from secondary trauma, but we’re hanging on in there and every day is another day that my DD is not exposed to the vicissitudes of the care system).

DD2 is THE most irrepressible and exuberant personality, she has a tonne of friends and is just home from yet another party. She has had a ‘blue drink’ (fingers crossed it’s not WKD 😅) and is sucking on THE biggest rainbow lollipop. DD2 was awarded her head teacher’s award at assembly on Friday for always being a good sport (paraphrasing here) and doing the right thing at school (if not at home!)

DD1 has a multitude of disabilities and difficulties that affect her performance at and enjoyment of school but she has really knuckled down in Y10 and she is making great progress. Her latest monitoring report shows that she is on track for 9s for a number of her GCSEs. She is also doing really well with her fundraising for a Girlguiding trip to Scandinavia next summer.

Thank you for those stories, delighted to hear your good news. Boys are both thriving at their schools, everybody loves them, which is amazing, but they are such hard work. Constantly needing attention. Christmas build up is very unsettling. Both really playing up at bedtime, so it takes forever to settle them. Just seem to get no time off! I know it will pass but when!

@Patchyman1 , I’m sorry, I don’t know your story (if you have posted here before) but are you a solo adopter? Do you have any support from family or friends? You sound frazzled and on the path to burn out; is there anyone you and your boys trust sufficiently who would be generous enough, if you asked, to take them out for a hot chocolate, to the cinema or the park for a runaround, just to give you time to recharge your batteries?

I hear you re: the bedtimes; my DD2 (6) never goes to sleep before 11pm (she’s being assessed for ADHD and autism tomorrow). I don’t make a battle about sleep; she’s allowed to listen to audio books (currently wearing out the Jacqueline Wilson CDs), draw or do mazes and word searches. DD is afraid of the dark so I keep subdued lighting and she has access to her own lamp she can switch on at her choosing, plus a solar-powered sunflower lamp she wears on a lanyard around her neck for trips to the loo etc.

This is a really exhausting time of year for all children, especially now the clocks have gone back, and Christmas-themed activities are ramping up at school. Do you have enough down time built in to your evenings and weekends?

I have realised that my DD2 lacks an interior life so if a thought, no matter how boring, pops into her head, it has to emerge from her mouth. She doesn’t talk to me, she talks at me - endlessly. It is draining and can be soul destroying. Especially the echolalia. What works for me, because DD is also competitive, is to set a timer for five minutes and challenge her not to disturb me at all so I can drink a brew in peace, for example.

I think, as adopters, that we set the bar very high for ourselves and beat ourselves up for not bringing our A game every single day. It’s okay to feel bored, frustrated and pissed off. Come and vent here to some of the wise owls like Ted27.

Hope life starts to ease for you soon!

@Patchyman1 i can hear in your post how difficult it is. Everyone is tired come bedtime and you must be exhausted. Do you have post adoption support? Is that something that you can access? Do you work during the school day? Does that allow you some breathing space? Self care is important but sometimes with so many plates to jungle, we just don’t have the time. Is there any opportunity to make a little time? What support are you getting in terms of helping the boys sleep better?

i know it probably doesn’t help much but reflect back to the amazing progress the boys have made. That’s because of the support you and the family (and wider support) have given them. This too shall pass.

@Ted27 good luck with fostering. I am sure you will be great.

oh and to everyone else, your littles one’s sound like they are all thriving despite their difficult starts. And to those who still have challenges, may you seen the progress amongst the not so good bits.

In our house everything starts getting intense from Halloween until Christmas. We try and keep everything low key, but there is just so much going on at school and in the community with various activities - it’s just sensory overload. Mine are doing great, but I always forget how this time of the year unsettles the routine. They seem to soak up any stress like a sponge and it spills back out as anxious, unregulated, and sometimes repetitive behaviour.

They have both been quite unwell with colds and it has affected sleep, they were both so tired today. They are not too unwell for school, but I’ve kept them both off today to try and get some rest and shake their colds.

So this afternoon me and my husband took the dog out for a lovely walk and a cup of tea. It was bliss! Sadly we don't get much support in real life but you guys who get it have helped so much. Thank you.x

@Patchyman1

isnt it strange how everyday things can suddenly feel like the height of decadence🤣
You should do that more often

@Ted27 it was chucking down and freezing cold, it was lovely!
I think sometimes too I worry about things that haven't even happened and that overloads me.

Never underestimate the joy or power of a decent brew, drunk while still hot; says this Yorkshire lass!

If you switch coffee for tea I agree with you!

And the power of walking the dog on a damp, blustery day, the sheer happiness of DDog always lifts my spirits 😀 she is just high on life!

@Patchyman1 I was thinking of you this morning. 10 years ago I was in a similar place, both DDs endlessly demanding, competitive with each other, DD5 was all over me and glued at the hip, DD13 simmered with silent hostility. I never had time for myself and just dragged myself through each day.

It gradually gets easier - and Christmas is always an unsettling time with heightened emotions.

This morning DD5 is now 15, and headed out of the door to school with a cheery 'bye! love you!' - to be gone for the next 13 hours as she is going straight to dance class rehearsal after school. I had a bit of an empty nest wobble, after making her huge quantities of food...

Then I realised DD had left her leotard in the wet laundry that I have been hassling her to hang up to dry since Sunday 😂so I will have to meet her at a half-way point, having put her leotard and tights on the radiator to dry. Mum to the rescue again!

I had a further thought - no wonder it is so tiring. Our children's brains and neural pathways have been shaped by their early, minute by minute, experiences of not enough care/food/ safety / warmth/comfort to go round. They have to fight for everything they need to survive.

We are having to reshape those pathways daily. It's like digging up tons of earth and putting it in a river to reshape the pathway of the river. Most of that earth gets washed away, but in the process the route of the river shifts by a centimetre. The next day you dig up tons more earth, put it in the river, and almost all gets washed away, but the path of the river shifts another centimetre.

Over time the river changes path, and the further it moves on the new path the more it begins to carve out the new path itself, and you have to dig less and less earth to keep it moving in the right direction.

Absolutely @Sigma33 and when something happens to destabilise everything it’s easy to think we’re right back at the beginning and all that digging has been fruitless. In adoption process happens over years, it’s not a moment to moment thing.

My 11 year old told me yesterday that’s she’s too big for goodbye kisses at the school gate, and could I just say “goodbye” or “see you later”, no “love you, have a good day” - she also asked if I wanted to practice in the car 😂. That may not seem like good news (and I was a bit thrown tbh), but it’s huge process for her to tell me what she needs, to assert a boundary for herself and she had clearly thought about how to tell me. And developmentally it’s part of her becoming more independent so while I might mourn the school gate goodbyes I can see progress for her.

And when she came home she said she still needed mum hugs, just not in front of her friends, so we’re all good 😁

Oh yes indeed!

We met after school to buy make up for the show, and DD was horrified that we might even be seen walking together in public near her school 😁but when we're a safe distance she still likes to hold my hand 😍