Our Adopted child / cut off from ex

[Ele01]

I have posted a discussed with a couple of people the situation below I have copy and pasted the original discussion and was advised to come to the adoption board...anyone else have any input on this? I was thinking of writing a letter to my ex to stating how I feel but I don’t want to come off as emotional and that’s hard to do not do and the position he has left our child in etc no closure or anything after I divorced him - should I just leave it as it is? ie I have never stopped a relationship or used child as divorce pawn I have never stood in way in a relationship with his child but read below for a more what’s going on please. I’m having a bad day I’m alone today as my child is at her friends on a play date and just thinking ... I don’t speak to anyone regarding this , I would appreciate people’s wisdom and advice / chat

Original post:
I have looked at a few similar posts but not exactly related to my situation, so I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice / general chat.

I have been accused of being abusive by my ex (no police involvement / no record / nothing related to abuse or even to anyone/ nothing) however ex and I separated and I filed for divorce we have a child who we adopted as a tiny baby and as soon as we separated my ex corrected me from me saying ‘our child’ to just ‘your child’ which I found odd I was stating we should think of our child through all this etc and he corrected me by saying well legal child...since then a few months on not a word - ex husband won’t discuss anything about child or even ask how child doing / no care shown whatsoever he won’t even say the child’s name hardly or discuss - so I’m a single parent just doing what I’ve always done been there unconditionally for my child and taking care of them. However if my ex truly thought I was abusive why leave the child to me and not show any care for them?
Would people find this a poor excuse if someone randomly heard this?
I feel like ex has done this on purpose. Ex has also informed me he stopping Christmas and birthday gifts and has told his family to stop also.
Any advice or anyone been through a similar situation? ❤️

Appreciated any advice thank you

Yes i so sorry hun he just doesnt love her. If he did he would keep being a father to her no matter what. You kust have to find the words to explain to her that her dad is not a good father. Tell her that she is the loveliest girl in the whole world and remind her of all the people that love her. Give her lots of cuddles and kisses. If possible get her a therapist?.

@femfemlicious he says it’s because I’m ‘abusive’ and he wants nothing to do with me. But all the comments about being just his ‘only legal daughter’ (we adopted her from a tiny baby, he was correcting me from saying ‘our daughter’) it just really hurt like no other - I just cried I didn’t know what else to say or react and I think only now I’m processing what happened and it’s so upsetting but the he then turns around and says it’s because of me ; but if a dad does not ask about his child at all and immediately just disappears and doesn’t make sure the child is ok with this ‘abusive person’ that has been left with the child which he says is me- surely that’s red flags all over the place you don’t leave your daughter - adopted / biological child any child that you have parents responsibility for - you surely l don’t just up and leave and cut them both off mother and child - is it me or does that sound ridiculous...I’m worried about what he’s told people but I’m going have to accept control what he says about me for example, I shouldn’t care over it - but I’m still hurt over it and what’s been done to my daughter x

@femfemlicious yes I’m actually in the process of finding someone for her to talk to (child counselling professional) just so we can process the change aswell etc x

[quote Ele01]@femfemlicious he says it’s because I’m ‘abusive’ and he wants nothing to do with me. But all the comments about being just his ‘only legal daughter’ (we adopted her from a tiny baby, he was correcting me from saying ‘our daughter’) it just really hurt like no other - I just cried I didn’t know what else to say or react and I think only now I’m processing what happened and it’s so upsetting but the he then turns around and says it’s because of me ; but if a dad does not ask about his child at all and immediately just disappears and doesn’t make sure the child is ok with this ‘abusive person’ that has been left with the child which he says is me- surely that’s red flags all over the place you don’t leave your daughter - adopted / biological child any child that you have parents responsibility for - you surely l don’t just up and leave and cut them both off mother and child - is it me or does that sound ridiculous...I’m worried about what he’s told people but I’m going have to accept control what he says about me for example, I shouldn’t care over it - but I’m still hurt over it and what’s been done to my daughter x[/quote]
OP you seem to be going round and round in circles with this - there really is no excuse for him to callously break off contact and behave as he has and say what he has said. Imagine you had an abusive partner now - would you willingly leave a child with them? Would you break off contact with your 10 year old because your partner was abusive? No. That is what I meant when I said at this stage it is not worth working out why, because there won't be a reasonable understandable reason. Judge him by his actions.

I think it is worth exploring everything else as things might come up in the future, and you were together a long time before this happened so there may be other things to unravel, and Relate will have seen abuse patterns and may be able to explain things from that point of view - but I do think you can be sure that he did not have a justifiable reason for breaking off contact with your dd in the way you explained.

Something which might help is for you to write down as comprehensively as you can how the relationship has been over the last ten years, and before for as long as you were together, read through it a few times as that might help you see patterns, and help you process.

If he is abusive he may be playing games, trying to cause you maximim pain, just because. If so, it will of course be a shock for you because he isn't the person you thought you knew.

Also, it is as you say incredibly painful when someone treats you like this and even worse when they are treating your child like this. If you leave adoption out of the equation and start a thread in Relationships asking for support I am sure that there will be people who have been through something similar (unfortunately) who will be able to provide support too.

@sassygromit you made some really good points thank you. Yes that’s a good idea regarding the writing it down and reading it etc that may help me to process properly.

“there really is no excuse for him to callously break off contact and behave as he has and say what he has said. Imagine you had an abusive partner now - would you willingly leave a child with them? Would you break off contact with your 10 year old because your partner was abusive? No. That is what I meant when I said at this stage it is not worth working out why, because there won't be a reasonable understandable reason. Judge him by his actions”

The above: no you’re right no matter what and especially in a abusive situation I would never have stopped looking after / or involvement etc with my child it actually would make me take the the child away.
Do you think there are any reasons reasonable/justifiable that a father would walk away from child?

I really thank you so much giving me suggestions to help x

And anyone on this thread that has commented I really appreciate the help and advice and I have taken on board and already made an appointment with relate etc.

If you could give me also your opinions on if there is ever a reasonable/justified excuse for a father to not be involved with his child? And for example say the things like my ex husband has said regarding our daughter as stated on the 1st page is there any justified reasons for that? x

I think everyone is right I’m just in shock and it’s painful to accept and abit unbelievable that I thought this wouldn’t happen as in my daughter not even involved with her other side of the family etc and her father it’s just incredibly sad and confusing but I will move past this with the right support and also firstly making sure my daughter is ok and at the moment she is good and we are just processing still the changes that has happened to our lives x

@RandomMess and yes that’s a good idea regarding the relationships board I will do this - one example it’s seems small but it very much hurt me. I have the care for the much loved family dog and took all over solely the costs for that dog etc and all then months and months later I was awaiting the dog transfer papers of ownership) I don’t know why he registered the family dog in his name solely but anyway I needed the paperwork to do the transfer like an authorisation code that only he had and could obtain) he basically then refused to give it to me because the dog was not in our consent order :( so I went back to the judge and the court actually court ordered him that he was in my care the dog and to remain in my care and to send me the papers. I said to the judge I felt like he was using the dog that he had no care about him but used against me and kept saying he was sending papers for him / he was / wasn’t, etc. He also was ordered to send me information about the finance accounts but before the hearing when he was notified he quickly got everything together to send me before the actual hearing within days, but the judge still ordered it by the 23rd august , maybe if I hadn’t gone to court he wouldn’t of done it or in a timely manner he just kept using things in conversations. This all happened recently this over the dog etc so maybe it’s taking me time to Process it all - but adoption and child out of it he was doing things like this. Also he accused me of coercive abuse when I said to him on email prior before applying to court regarding the dog and information for the financial accounts
I said:
“I will await untill 4pm this afternoon to get confirmation back from you .. and then depending what is said back to me I’ll consider my next steps what to do regarding this obstructive prolonging intentional behaviour”

And my ex’s response:
“continuing to try to control me like you did throughout our marriage with your coercive controlling abusive behaviour is ok?
Your ultimatums saying i have to reply by 4pm etc”

My response:
“ all I’ve asked is for certain details because it’s needed in a timely manner and when I said 4pm to get back to me with some details because you just either ignore it and the court was asking me did I want to fill out paperwork etc and to get back to them at 4pm .... your attitude isn’t good at moment so I just don’t believe you in anything ... you need to get the other information you’ll probably need it by the court hearing date”

Coercive behaviour seems to being thrown around here I thought coercive behaviour was serious and punishable by the law - again I think it’s good idea to the relationship board too with this and go over with writing down things like this that happened x

Just to answer your question, i can't think of a justifiable reason, personally, no.

In relation to his accusations about coercive control, accusations like this do get thrown about a bit and where it is not justifiable, it is damaging to anyone who has been in or is currently in a relationship where there is coercive control. Relate will hopefully be able to advise you more and be helpful.

@sassygromit thank you for all your comments. I’m awaiting my appointment to relate x

Coercive behaviour seems to being thrown around here I thought coercive behaviour was serious and punishable by the law

It can be, coercive control like most things exists on a continuum but basically any behaviour designed or intended to control someone else could be considered coercive, ultimatums fall into that bracket, so does withdrawal of affection, or controlling access to finances when it’s designed to change someone’s behaviour. A pattern of coercive control is domestic abuse and can be actionable by law, though very difficult to prove.

@Jellycatspyjamas can you see the above conversation? My ex called me coercive control because he wasn’t given me information in a timely manner or access to the accounts that only required days to sort out and it was going on for like 2 months - I told the court and they informed me to fill out the paperwork by 4pm i emailed my ex to see if he could get a reply to what was exactly going as I required to by 4pm and he called me coercive.
My ex had control of the all the accounts, I gave him money etc and then when we split i found out he had taken 6 months holiday breaks on the mortgage without me knowing while I was still giving him money for bills etc to be paid. The affection -I was ill with cervical cancer and I had to have a couple operations as you can imagine last 18 months sexually was terrible I bled for months on end , and I was a mess internally - I’m fine now and been discharged and everything is ok but I tried to have great sex like we had for years but last 18 months I just couldn’t I needed time to heal and then when I was ok it was then too late for him he told me in a conversation I rejected him - I was shocked I had been so ill and never said I didn’t find him attractive etc. Thank you for the explanation of what it is etc, as you seem to know what it is would you say it’s justifiable that if for example a father accuses a mother of coercive behaviour and ‘leaves’ but in the process over a month of seeing is daughter etc he decides one day to cut off and never see daughter again and because of daughter is adopted he suddenly started correcting me when I said our daughter he would say ‘my legal daughter’ - this kind of behaviour ‘coercive’ would this make it right for a father to walk away from his child and leave it in the fulls mothers care this supposed abuser? I have had others opinions but I would like yours too as you know what this ‘coercive behaviour’ is x

No, I don’t think your behaviour could be called coercive because there were circumstances that impacted your ability to for example, show sexual affection or indeed any affection - that’s the sickness and health part of the vows. Keeping an externally set deadline and asking for information you didn’t have in time for that deadline isn’t coercive. You’re seeing normal behaviour through the skewed lens he’s imposed on you.

I suspect his behaviour might be more accurately described as coercive - remembering that the oldest trick in the “abusers playbook” is to convince the other person that they are at fault and if they just did x, y and z everything would be fine.

@Jellycatspyjamas this is what I thought too. He also said prior I was threatening with court and giving him deadlines. Did he think I enjoined having to go to court I hated it I even said to him if he couldn’t be resolved I would have to seek guidance to the court (the court ruled what I said was right in the end) but he made out I was threatening when I had been asking for months for details of certain things and it was just taking too long etc and then over who owned the family dog that he left and had nothing to do with for nearly a year then suddenly had a problem with it - I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Yes what you said make sense. And also how our daughter is being used. I mean have you ever heard of a husband / dad to the children biological or adopted - adopted as been in their life since months old to 10 years old and then start acting aloof I mean if I’m honest he wasn’t hands on with his prior son or our daughter but I just thought that was how he was. I was the main care giver - but what I can’t get over is the way he has made me feel now he didn’t love our daughter with the comments and more so the actions of not giving damn of not seeing her for nearly a year not caring if this ‘abusive wife’ is taking care of the child - that’s what still painful after a year particularly. I’m fine it hard to when neighbours or someone asks a question is dad still seeing our daughter - I’m like ashamed to say no and then I quickly say obviously I never stopped him but the things he had been saying and the actions towards daughter were not very ‘kind’ and he has his priorities mixed up he isn’t putting daughter first so as stepped to one side- that how I explained it but I’m so embarrassed that does it look bad on me? But it got to the stage were I was begging him to do the right thing to daughter and just stop with this uncaring behaviour - but he didn’t :(
I’m still awaiting my full appointment with relate, I just want to be able to move on but also how to deal with this like shame feeling of having our daughter effectively abandoned - it’s hard to describe and hard to process after so many years x