Our Adopted child / cut off from ex

[Ele01]

I have posted a discussed with a couple of people the situation below I have copy and pasted the original discussion and was advised to come to the adoption board...anyone else have any input on this? I was thinking of writing a letter to my ex to stating how I feel but I don’t want to come off as emotional and that’s hard to do not do and the position he has left our child in etc no closure or anything after I divorced him - should I just leave it as it is? ie I have never stopped a relationship or used child as divorce pawn I have never stood in way in a relationship with his child but read below for a more what’s going on please. I’m having a bad day I’m alone today as my child is at her friends on a play date and just thinking ... I don’t speak to anyone regarding this , I would appreciate people’s wisdom and advice / chat

Original post:
I have looked at a few similar posts but not exactly related to my situation, so I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice / general chat.

I have been accused of being abusive by my ex (no police involvement / no record / nothing related to abuse or even to anyone/ nothing) however ex and I separated and I filed for divorce we have a child who we adopted as a tiny baby and as soon as we separated my ex corrected me from me saying ‘our child’ to just ‘your child’ which I found odd I was stating we should think of our child through all this etc and he corrected me by saying well legal child...since then a few months on not a word - ex husband won’t discuss anything about child or even ask how child doing / no care shown whatsoever he won’t even say the child’s name hardly or discuss - so I’m a single parent just doing what I’ve always done been there unconditionally for my child and taking care of them. However if my ex truly thought I was abusive why leave the child to me and not show any care for them?
Would people find this a poor excuse if someone randomly heard this?
I feel like ex has done this on purpose. Ex has also informed me he stopping Christmas and birthday gifts and has told his family to stop also.
Any advice or anyone been through a similar situation? ❤️

Appreciated any advice thank you

He has form for this though. This isn’t the first child he’s abandoned is it. It really isn’t anything you or DD have done.

I’m amazed the adoption vetting didn’t flag up the other child. He must have picked his references very carefully.

@CliffsofMohair his ex wife did get interviewed but obviously she wasn’t going to and mouth him but I was nervous as she HATES him and I always wondered why I know ex’s have pasts but usually it’s moved on years later it never seemed to she always hated him and then years later I saw a message / text saying you wasn’t even involved with untill you met your wife - shocked me :( because I always thought he had been but now I’ve been with him prior things come out and I feel awful he must of treated her and that child like shit but he is seeing his son now once week which I was very involved with every single week. I’ll admit it did hurt when he said I’m taking ‘my son’ on holiday . In all the years I’ve known him he never did this but the way he said it was like a get at - I felt really hurt. Why should our daughter be less because she just ‘legal’ can you imagine it my daughter heard that. She is not treated any different she is my life :( x

@sassygromit I have made an appointment with relate and they are going to do an assessment with me I’m just awaiting a date. If you read my post above this is what happened I was ill and had some issues etc but he turned it around and made it into this big thing that he had to abandon daughter because of me! Funny enough I have the emails etc where you can see the change - one day we having a small party with the children while we semi on a break of the relationship and within days he went silent and then told me he couldn’t see child. I was shocked. So I filed for divorce after what he said about our daughter x

It might be worth considering that his behaviour towards your daughter may be his way of getting at you. He’s basically hitting you where it hurts, you ache for your daughter and will be left picking up the pieces - he could just as easily have left the marriage and continued to have the barest of relationship with your daughter but to effectively disown her is hurtful to you and her. It demeans your link to your daughter - if she’s his “legal” child, technically she’s “just” your legal child too (which obviously isn’t the case). It undermines her status in both your lives, and is abusive by any measure.

Relate will be good for helping you unpick all of this, they can help you process the ending of your marriage, the accusations he’s made about you and the impact on your daughter. I’d also gently suggest you have a look at Women’s Aid, particularly in terms of coercive control just to see if any of it fits. It might not, but it’s worth exploring whether behaviour you just got used to was actually designed to keep you in your place and whether when you were ill the power dynamic shifted, prompting his accusations towards you.

It may not fit at all, but I suspect if you take a look back, it might just.

I think he wants to move on without the hassle of a child much like he did the first time.

He is just incredibly selfish and able to box things off.

I am so sorry you have been through this. Agree with previous poster that he is an arsehole. Grade A.
I think counselling will definitely help you process this - and trust me, one day you will wake up and think how lucky you are that you divorced and you have made a lovely new life for you and your daughter.
Best of luck to you OP. Some people just aren't able to stick out relationships in the long term, either with partners or their children. It's absolutely no reflection on you or your daughter.

@Jellycatspyjamas that’s what he accused me of coercive control / abuse?! Even though all the finances and accounts etc was in his name only even though i was paying in money to the house and for my daughter etc. I really didn’t have control in anything it was a nightmare getting all the accounts in my name he refused at one point and wanted me to send money to him got him to pay I refused and said if I’m paying for house bills etc I wanted them in my name so I could look at the accounts etc I had no idea what was going on really x

@RandomMess I think this too I have thought about this prior that maybe he didn’t want to through it all again getting back involved with yet another child etc without the hassle. Even after the things he said and actions of just no care I left the door open so to speak I was not one of those parents that used their child - I said I would never ban him or be the mother that stopped him ‘seeing his daughter’ - but his behaviour cold behaviour is and has been a very bit concern to me

Yes and selfish he was / is very selfish more interested in himself overall. I just can’t believe how he can just box everything off and be so very happy regarding it. He’s not coming off as abused at all he’s buying stuff for himself and having a great single time with no full time responsibilities for his children x

@bluejelly thank you. I really hope so I went to her past the hurt. I think above anything that’s hurt me most is how he came across and saying to me being so supportive that he just wants to come see our daughter and hug her and tell her he ‘loves her’ and then literally nothing happened there was silence and a total cut off I was like shocked what happened why did it turn so bad within days! So obviously what he has said says prior was lies? this was so many months ago now and he’s sticking to what he last said that he doesn’t want to be in our daughters life because of me he doesn’t want to be in mine! But then says all these things about daughter which makes me think yeah but is it - because why says the things he has done about her being just ‘legal’ and he was happy got me to just disappear and go into social housing with her - obviously I refused and I’ve remained in my own home with daughter x

@bluejelly sorry that was a typo I meant to say I just want the hurt to pass *

@bluejelly sorry that was another typo I get upset writing. I meant to say at the end - he was completely happy and he wanted and suggested me to disappear and to go into social housing with daughter and I said why would I do that I have a lovely home for her and I’m paying for it I’m staying right where I am - like I have never live in social housing ever and I didn’t need to - so to me suggesting it knows it would hurt me and make me feel awful and worried but why do that when I’m the main carer of daughter it was like he didn’t care how things were affecting me at all you would think there is some respect with the child. He is quick enough to say abuse but didn’t tell the judge that at court nor has he done anything about it - if you heard a man say he left his ‘abusive partner’ but he abandoned his child and has nothing to do with them adopted or biological and doesn’t even know if there ok with the ‘abuser’ wouldn’t you think there is something wrong? Can’t get my head around it. This is what I’m hoping counselling will help with - I have a tendency to care about what others think and I dread to think what he’s told his friends etc or anyone - I mean I’m hoping people will start to think hold on if I have care of child and he has no interest surely it wasn’t that abusive or true abuse - I’m just ashamed of everything x

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds like you have behaved entirely honourably - and he has been entirely dishonourable. I would stop trying to apply logic to his actions - they are clearly illogical and his treatment of you appalling. He turned out not to be the man/father you had hoped he would be. There is no shame in that. One day soon I promise you will feel you've had a lucky escape.

@bluejelly hopefully relate can help me to get my head around everything l just wanted to be decent for child - and it’s turned like this. Thank you I really do hope one day this is just all a big relief etc. I’ve been through so much last year -
loosing my home thoughts / telling me to get into
Social housing / all the the things saying about my daughter as stated above I just can’t get over the cruelty of it all - but to him it must be all justifiable x

I am awaiting for relate to get back to me with a appointment I was going to ask then is it worth me writing a letter or email to the paternal grandparents. I’m sure my ex hasn’t told them about calling our daughter robot and all the other stuff - they have been radio silenced since we split although she got Christmas presents last year, I doubt it will be this year and that’s going to be really noticeable, my ex told me he has told his emails to stop sending gifts for birthdays and Christmas to daughter :( I fear writing a letter because if I say their son said this about daughter that just looks like I’m trying to tell them what he’s said now etc but I wanted to express that I’ve never kept anyone daughter, I don’t think I will write a letter what’s the point?- but I think it was just to say that I wanted what was best for daughter and to put matters aside for her to have healthy relationships with all her family , but after what my ex has said about daughter , I just don’t know if this would be right ...I’m just so hurt and confused it’s really helping me chatting to others and while waiting for relate to make me a appointment x

Sorry I meant to say:

‘I’m sure my ex hasn’t told them about calling our daughter only ‘legal daughter’ and all the other stuff’ x

I don't think you have for much to lose writing to ex PIL.

Don't really refer to ex.

Just say something like "Ex has decided he doesn't want to see DD for the foreseeable future. DD would love to still have contact with you and I am happy to facilitate this directly. Would you be free to spend time with DD over half term?"

You could offer the sort of situation that used to occur or "something else if you prefer"

?

@RandomMess and if they read it and don’t get back to me do you think that means they are just going along with what their son wishes? Be sure they haven’t reached out for a year. I did message the grandad I sent it on WhatsApp and he read it a few months ago but ignored it (you know when they have the little green ticks to say they read it) I basically said very similar to what you said above about how in what ways he would like to see granddaughter etc and that I was willing for it etc but nothing. Made me nervous reaching out to the other grandparents as they haven’t contacted either and by now maybe they are just going along with their son no matter what I say ? X

@RandomMess I appreciate your comments and I know you have read the above as I replied to one of your messages. Do you honestly think this is what this is all about with daughter it’s just a complete cut away and box things off. I have an appointment now with relate in 2 weeks time and I can’t wait to just start processing everything properly now after all this time and hopefully be able to just move on emotionally. One of the questions relate asked me was when I mentioned about him saying i was abusive to him etc they asked me did he do anything about it did he report it to try to make sure the child was safe etc. I said no not at all he just walked away and never spoke of DD ever again he never even asked was she ok. And the relate lady said that’s quite telling. I didn’t know what she meant by that but I’m sure I’ll find out in a couple weeks x

He think he has zero emotional attachment to either of his DC but his DS is older and more like a mate now.

@RandomMess yes you’re right and ironically ds doesn’t need taking care of now. While I was with him all those years he grew up and we did all that together when he came once a week it’s been done over the years now it’s not as if he is baby. But he did leave him at 6 months old and wasn’t involved at first untill he met me apparently - like I said I didn’t know this untill years later untill I saw a text from his ex and then all the things added up that she just seemed to bloody hate him even though it had been years and years. He sees son once a week. I received a cms updated payment paperwork through the post and it states that he is still paying cms for both kids now. I went to cms because he was refusing to discuss support. Does it look odd if a man / father pays 2 different kids / mothers through cms? I Always thought cms was used because there has been in an issue with payments etc but 2 kids with 2 different mothers on cms maybe I’m naive but I have never heard of that/ usually it’s just through mutual agreement isn’t it? x

I don't think that's unusual at all.

Decent fathers cough up without using CMS shit ones often have multiple families and never willingly pay up for any of them.

@RandomMess yes atleast he is paying. Although if he didn’t I was told it was taken from his wage? Not 100 percent on that though. He did refuse to support our daughter mutually I think if I had not applied for cms he wouldn’t of offered it to me to support daughter any financial support. However he is paying through cms for both kids now so I guess that’s better than not isn’t it x

@RandomMess yes that’s what I mean - I don’t think he would of given me anything out of wanting to support daughter it’s just because cms told him to etc , it’s right for my daughter she deserves to be supported but it’s a shitty way to get support isn’t it through a government body 😢 x

Op you have to let it go. He doesnt love your daughter. He is not a nice person. You did nothing wrong.

@femfemlicious I know he doesn’t. And I will / I’m seeking some counselling from relate I have a appointment I’m just awaiting on - did like a little assessment etc with them I’m hoping to process it all fully so I can move on properly I want do the best for my child and be the best that I can. Have you read the above do you really think he just doesn’t love her. I think I just need to accept the reality it’s hard in ways x