Our Adopted child / cut off from ex

[Ele01]

I have posted a discussed with a couple of people the situation below I have copy and pasted the original discussion and was advised to come to the adoption board...anyone else have any input on this? I was thinking of writing a letter to my ex to stating how I feel but I don’t want to come off as emotional and that’s hard to do not do and the position he has left our child in etc no closure or anything after I divorced him - should I just leave it as it is? ie I have never stopped a relationship or used child as divorce pawn I have never stood in way in a relationship with his child but read below for a more what’s going on please. I’m having a bad day I’m alone today as my child is at her friends on a play date and just thinking ... I don’t speak to anyone regarding this , I would appreciate people’s wisdom and advice / chat

Original post:
I have looked at a few similar posts but not exactly related to my situation, so I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice / general chat.

I have been accused of being abusive by my ex (no police involvement / no record / nothing related to abuse or even to anyone/ nothing) however ex and I separated and I filed for divorce we have a child who we adopted as a tiny baby and as soon as we separated my ex corrected me from me saying ‘our child’ to just ‘your child’ which I found odd I was stating we should think of our child through all this etc and he corrected me by saying well legal child...since then a few months on not a word - ex husband won’t discuss anything about child or even ask how child doing / no care shown whatsoever he won’t even say the child’s name hardly or discuss - so I’m a single parent just doing what I’ve always done been there unconditionally for my child and taking care of them. However if my ex truly thought I was abusive why leave the child to me and not show any care for them?
Would people find this a poor excuse if someone randomly heard this?
I feel like ex has done this on purpose. Ex has also informed me he stopping Christmas and birthday gifts and has told his family to stop also.
Any advice or anyone been through a similar situation? ❤️

Appreciated any advice thank you

He using your child to punish you. I’m guessing you initiated the split. He’s actually the one who sounds abusive.

I think if he has decided he no longer wants a relationship with your child, you can't force him to.
I would focus on helping your child come to terms with the situation. Think about post adoption support.
And apart from ensuring that he is paying child support I would have nothing further to do with him.

What are you hoping for at this stage?

@WandaVision2 my ex started to become very distant etc and our marriage seemed on the rocks etc and I was even questioning was there someone else he left to have a ‘break’ and to see if we could work things out and then it seem to drag out and he was acting not normal and the more time went on he talked less about our child and not wanting to come see her. Then one day he went completely silent after we had like small party at my home and then I received an email he didn’t know if “popping in out of child’s life right and they need stability” and wasn’t “sure” if he wanted to see them etc and didn’t want to continue the marriage - I was floored with the comments regarding our child though and then I got protective over my child and within a few days of that I initiated/ started divorce proceedings.

Do you think then it’s sounds punishing? X

@Ted27 I completely agree you can’t force someone to care? But I think it’s hurt me because of the reason he is saying it’s me but all the while he never asks about our child or seems to care with the things he said about her and the lack of interest , it’s been a difficult time but you’re right I can’t force it can I, post adoption support? Yes I will look into it x

@mahrezzy I hoped for abit of shown care for our child from my ex husband but I see nothing , I have tried to invite him to mediation for free for him and he still refused I then I asked the mediator if I could get a consent order then to say I can have full custody/ consent order and he refused my ex . He refused everything so how does that sound to you? I guess I’m just going to have to just slowly move on because I can’t make someone care if they don’t about a child can I x

It sounds like you’re hurting a lot and that you’re really angry. This is a huge change for your daughter - another loss - and unfortunately there’s little you can do about it other than to make sure you’re in the best place you can be to support her and meet her grief and needs.

It sounds awful and my heart feels for you.

You can't make someone care, you already recognise this. Him switching his language from 'our child' to 'your child' and 'legal' is horrible. For whatever reason he clearly doesn't want to be part if their life. Maybe he is just be cruel to you, maybe he never bonded with you child (have they been with you long?) or maybe he has been given bad advice from friends. You are likely never to know the reason he is being this way. Its hard not to obsess on the why, but try not too. Focus on your new life and being a great parent to your child. Do reach out for post adoption support.

@mahrezzy yes it hurt and huge change after everything.
And thank you.
I just want to get in a good place to be still ok and strong enough for my daughter, it’s just been an awful time x

@Somuddled yeah I know :( I just can’t believe he would correct that me saying think of our daughter and he was like well ‘my legal daughter’. He saying his reason is my ‘controlling abusive behaviour’ but for year I haven’t done anything but take care of our child - he is talking about within the marriage when I was ill I had cancer and then I had mental health issues like a small breakdown basically and recovered but it affected sex life because it was cervical cancer and I only got right after about 18 months but we had been together 12 years. Yes child been with us since a baby
(10 years) I think that’s what it is it’s like all I want to know is does he just not love her and at the time he wouldn’t answer it he won’t speak about daughter . All he’s said the reason is because I’m abusive - but then my question to him was if he really thought I was extremely abusive why abandon the child you have parental responsibility for with the abusive parent and my ex won’t answer that. Just silence. What does that sound like to you like motive of why would someone do that to our child - adoptive child but the child calls us mum and dad we have been a family unit they know no other - it just seems cruel?

I will check out this adoption support x

@Somuddled ...I guess I’m trying to get my head around all this :(

I’d gently suggest he’s met someone else and wants to cut ties with his “old” life. Is he paying maintenance for your child? I’d start sorting that out through CMS and plan to raise your child alone, supporting them through the loss.

The accusations of abuse may simply be a way for him to justify leaving, without anyone looking at what’s happening with him. Particularly given he doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it other than leaving. I’d focus on you and your child’s well-being and stability as far as possible.

Oh big hugs to you. 12 years, no wonder you can't get your head around it. Divorce brings out vile things in people. Keep trying to remind yourself that you won't get the answers to all your thoughts and questions. I found after a particularly hard breakup it was useful to actually say it out loud to myself. 'I don't need to know why' was repeated many times. Try not to work out the actions and motivations of a man you no longer want in your life.

Take any and all help you can get. Friends, family, neighbours, adoption services, teachers. It isn't weak or wrong, it is important.

@Jellycatspyjamas I questioned that I never got a proper answer other than no or alluded to no he wasn’t seeing anyone else but who knows. He refused at first to discuss it with me properly so I had to go to CMS after a couple of months of a couple times trying to talk about it.

Yes I agree your words have resonated with me. He hasn’t done anything other than say abuse and left and done nothing else other than leave and ignore our child and make comments that makes me feel he doesn’t now see her as his child even though we had been a family etc and that basically he doesn’t love her; I asked him outright from things he’s said this coldness and carelessness towards child I said do you just not think of her as yours and not love her I don’t understand why you would be so cold to her directly and say the things you have done with actions of just complete no interest in seeing her or talking to just a complete cut off. That’s what I am doing I’m trying so hard to be ok for me and child I just want is to be ok, but I’ve been so confused over everything x

@Somuddled yeah maybe that’s why I’m so confused and hurt.

That’s good advice I’ll try to say it out loud to myself.

And I’m reaching out now to people, even on here I’m desperate to not keep it inside anymore :( x

In your exe's head your DC is yours only as he isn't your DC's biological father even though you adopted your DC together;it sounds as though he mentally checked out of your relationship after your DC arrived;it's not uncommon and tbh it sounds as though he might have done this even if your DC was both yours and his biological child.

Your ex and his family have basically dumped your DC;it speaks volumes about the type of people they are.

I understand it's really hurtful but it's time to move on and accept your DC has just one parent and their (your) family.I'm sure your child will know that they are loved.

Your both obviously better off with your ex.Good riddance to him.

The good news is because he's legally your DC's father he has to pay CM so make sure you lodge a claim.

@thenewduchessofhastings do you really think so? It does sound like he mentally checked out. It was so many years ago though. Our daughter is now 10 years old it’s bit late to check out isn’t it :( we have had her since a tiny baby, but makes sense that maybe he checked out? - and yes do you believe so? Back ground: he has a son from a previous marriage (he has been married before and older than me) - he ‘left’ when baby which is his biological was only months old (I didn’t know about all this by the way at the time it’s only recent times I’ve found this out) and he wasn’t involved for a period of time! I met him etc and apparently he started to see the child (once a week) you can imagine all the years I have no been with him I’ve seen how he is etc and he wasn’t very involved with either children but I did support him etc, I saw a text not too long before a couple years before off his ex wife saying about changing their child’s surname and it was a text saying you wouldn’t even involved untill you met your wife - (shocked me) but made sense when you put 1 and 2 together things that had been happening and just the absolute hate his ex had for him!
He still sees the son once a week like he has for years now I guess that’s all been in place for years and years so that’s not going to change but he rubbed it in my face the other week saying I’m too busy to send that paperwork etc I’m away with ‘my son’ I thought to myself how lovely for you then but my daughter is here upset and we are in tatters from the divorce etc. I saw that relationship he has with his ex for many years it was not good but now making out it’s great and he’s this perfect dad to his son so must be something wrong with me that he can’t see his daughter. I’ve tried so hard to the point where it’s come to if I encourage anymore it looks like I’m begging him to love her and I’m not begging someone pleading to our daughter.
He’s on cms for his son aswell as daughter.

I guess what I would like to ask to get things straighter in my head (I’ve bottled this up for so long)

Would others here now or as a women you met a man for example or if it was a friend telling you this how would you feel if they told you this man:

Is on CMS payments to both children from previous marriages

Broke up with 1st wife when baby was months old not involved at all at first but then decided to when he met his second wife

Sees his older son (biological) now once a week. But doesn’t see his daughter (adopted) at all.

What would you make of that? x

I do appreciate all this I’ve took everyone’s advice I just want to be ok and deal with it all emotionally and move on, I will get there won’t i? It just hurts so much and I hide it from everyone that I’m fine but it still hurts x

@thenewduchessofhastings and yes my child knows I love them so much they are my entire life and it’s brought us even closer I would say during all this x

@thenewduchessofhastings and yeah he didn’t want to pay cms either I tried for 2 months originally back then just to have a discussion to come to agreement and he wouldn’t so I applied for cms and daughter does now receive that along with his other child as I got the cms papers to say he pays cms for another child aswell as this one so he pays 2 payments through cms x

The adoption board is a wonderful place with many people who are calmer than me but...he sounds like an absolute ARSEHOLE. I'm not putting it any other delicate way.

The abuse accusation seems to be a red herring so I would be ignoring that.

He has decided he doesn't want to be a father and have responsibilities for whatever reason. He doesn't get to decide that. I would go after him for child maintenance. He referred to them as his "legal child"? Wow. Honestly my blood boils, if my DH referred to our children as just our "legal children" he would be out that door.

You will pick yourself back up and pull things together without him. It's another loss for your child, and one that I don't envy you having to work through. But you will do it, you will find a way to explain. The adoption board is here for that!

From your post it sounds like he checked out and wanted an excuse. You need to accept that he isn't the person you thought.

You will get through this

Just seen you got CMS, well bloody done!

@TittleTuttleTit yes it was awful when he said that we was having a meeting in a coffee shop discussing finances (we own a home and I wanted to retain the home and pay for it etc) and while I was saying that I said can our daughter just be our first and her needs above anything and his response was exactly - well my legal daughter and can’t you go into social housing? I couldn’t react or say anything I just cried I think I muttered what after saying our daughter for over 10 years now it’s just legal ...and when I thought about it later on after crying he must of meant because she is adopted now it’s ‘less’ and that’s why he corrected me from our daughter to ‘legal daughter’

Yes I applied for cms as soon as I wasn’t getting anywhere with conversations about financial support for daughter x

My mother said too...that he wasn’t the person you thought , I’m just so ashamed and upset over everything when I say ashamed over my daughter just being dropped so suddenly etc. Love her so much it kills me inside. Luckily she seems to be getting all she needs from me because we are close I keep getting upset that if she didn’t have that and a dad who doesn’t show care what would she have, it puts fear into me if something happened to me - I just want us to be ok, I should be ok once I’ve moved on properly? I’m just hurting still so much but I suppose it will take time to heal won’t it x

I am so sorry this is happening to you and dd, it sounds heartbreaking - you sound still in shock that he wasn't the person you thought he was. If I had to put money on it I'd bet that jellycatspyjamas is right that there is another woman involved. Abusive men do turn tables and accuse their partners of abuse, the way he is acting is extraordinarily callous, and based on my experience, when someone shows themselves to be callous in this way there is no "why"as in there is no reasonable reason why someone would treat other people like this. Normal reasonable people do not treat other people like this.

Many years ago I got some really good objective advice from Relate, and it might be worth you phoning them and having a single person counselling session, talking through his accusation and about how you behaved in the relationship and their views on it, just so that it gives you clarity in your own mind - if he is abusive and at any time it serves him to play games or be seen as the good guy he might do an about turn and want contact and you will want to be clear as to what would be in your dd's best interest at the time. Relate might also be able to give you advice about how your ex is likely to behave in future, and point you in the direction of resources to make sure you are doing and saying the right thing for your dc.

You will be fine, make sure you get any help you need to process it all, so that you can feel free from the burden of it.

I am an adoptee by the way, not an adopter

@sassygromit it was and is still heart breaking. I feel so hurt and yes I think you’re right I’m in shock abit maybe? I think it’s the callousness yes I can’t believe he would be so careless towards daughter/ his actions seem like it’s directly towards her calling her only a legal daughter / suggesting for me to go into social housing and then informing he is stopping sending gifts for her birthday and told family to aswell 🙁 the gifts I don’t understand why stop just a present on her birthday I just find that incredibly cruel and directed at daughter all it’s going to do is daughter realise no presents there from ‘dad’ how is that right at all unless a parent is trying to emotionally hurt their child? I just don’t get that.

Do you think Relate then might be able to help me process everything and advice ? I’m going to give them a call x

I found Relate to be really good at giving objective advice about what might constitute abuse, I just spoke to them the one time and the objective information and assessment was really helpful - this was a while ago though - I think that they might be able to offer other advice about what you might need to do to help you move forward and help you with your dd - I think that some relationship therapy might be helpful for you to help you move forward but I have no personal experience of this and so I am not the best person to advise. I hope that that makes sense.