Being rejected by Adopt South London without even reaching Stage 1

[NV42]

Dear all

I submitted the "Potential Adopter Form" to Adopt South London last week and this week I got an email saying that they will not take my case and I am not approved to proceed to Stage 1.

To say that I am in shock is an understatement. I am 44 years old, female, living in Barnes, single but with a loving partner of 3 years who lives in Portsmouth as his job and his young children from another relationship are there. I have a 100K job, my own property and lots of love to give as I dont have parents and the child will be my only real relative.

1. I applied as a single adopter as the Adopt South London made it quite clear to us a couple of years back that we both need to live under the same roof only to be questioned this time round why my partner is not coming forward as adopter? Why these mixed messages from Adopt South London?

1. Also in the form they asked me what is my preference and I stated a white girl baby but I am open as I appreciate that it is more challenging getting a white child and a girl.

1. What is worse, is that when I spoke to them back in December 2020, they told me that I need to do volunteering as I need to prove recent child experience although I have experience with my partner's children and my friends's ones. So I signed up to GirlGuiding and Scouts, risking my job who were not happy that I would need to leave the office on a regular basis at 16:30 twice per week to attend the sessions.

Having shown my commitment to this by signing up to volunteering and being open to what kind of child I would like to adopt, what I got at the end was a cold email saying that they will not progress with my application as they put the interest of the child first. All these was communicated to me via email (they didnt even pick up the phone to discuss).

How can they claim that they put the child's interest first, when they reject me? I can give everything to a child, a home, love, financial safety, education, holidays, emotional support.. They will be my world. Why do they prefer to leave them at foster homes than let me adopt?

Also if you know any journalists or groups that are trying to tackle and expose the english system and how difficult they make it for kids to get adopted, please do forward them to me as I am still in shock and I owe it to those children to expose the system and the people working in it.

While I will see how I can escalate this, I thought of also investigating the international path. I am Greek so maybe Greece but I am really open. So any pointers for international adoption would be grately appreciated. I have heard that most countries would expect of you, to go and live in the country during the process?

Any help would be so much appreciated as I am really heartbroken and angry at the same time as to how these people behave so recklessly with human lives.

I don't know what the general restrictions are now op, but in the 90s my DM was turned down when applying at age 39 to adopt a baby. She was considered too old. They suggested she apply to adopt an older child.

What is DM?

@Megasaurus

I don't know what the general restrictions are now op, but in the 90s my DM was turned down when applying at age 39 to adopt a baby. She was considered too old. They suggested she apply to adopt an older child.

There are no age restrictions now like that as far as I am aware. I'm 41, partner is 40 and we're looking at 0-5 age group

@NV42

Dear all

I submitted the "Potential Adopter Form" to Adopt South London last week and this week I got an email saying that they will not take my case and I am not approved to proceed to Stage 1.

To say that I am in shock is an understatement. I am 44 years old, female, living in Barnes, single but with a loving partner of 3 years who lives in Portsmouth as his job and his young children from another relationship are there. I have a 100K job, my own property and lots of love to give as I dont have parents and the child will be my only real relative.

1. I applied as a single adopter as the Adopt South London made it quite clear to us a couple of years back that we both need to live under the same roof only to be questioned this time round why my partner is not coming forward as adopter? Why these mixed messages from Adopt South London?

1. Also in the form they asked me what is my preference and I stated a white girl baby but I am open as I appreciate that it is more challenging getting a white child and a girl.

1. What is worse, is that when I spoke to them back in December 2020, they told me that I need to do volunteering as I need to prove recent child experience although I have experience with my partner's children and my friends's ones. So I signed up to GirlGuiding and Scouts, risking my job who were not happy that I would need to leave the office on a regular basis at 16:30 twice per week to attend the sessions.

Having shown my commitment to this by signing up to volunteering and being open to what kind of child I would like to adopt, what I got at the end was a cold email saying that they will not progress with my application as they put the interest of the child first. All these was communicated to me via email (they didnt even pick up the phone to discuss).

How can they claim that they put the child's interest first, when they reject me? I can give everything to a child, a home, love, financial safety, education, holidays, emotional support.. They will be my world. Why do they prefer to leave them at foster homes than let me adopt?

Also if you know any journalists or groups that are trying to tackle and expose the english system and how difficult they make it for kids to get adopted, please do forward them to me as I am still in shock and I owe it to those children to expose the system and the people working in it.

While I will see how I can escalate this, I thought of also investigating the international path. I am Greek so maybe Greece but I am really open. So any pointers for international adoption would be grately appreciated. I have heard that most countries would expect of you, to go and live in the country during the process?

Any help would be so much appreciated as I am really heartbroken and angry at the same time as to how these people behave so recklessly with human lives.

Maybe try a different agency. The fact that they have rejected you without more info suggest to me they don't have the social workers available to proceed you

@NV42

Dear all

I submitted the "Potential Adopter Form" to Adopt South London last week and this week I got an email saying that they will not take my case and I am not approved to proceed to Stage 1.

To say that I am in shock is an understatement. I am 44 years old, female, living in Barnes, single but with a loving partner of 3 years who lives in Portsmouth as his job and his young children from another relationship are there. I have a 100K job, my own property and lots of love to give as I dont have parents and the child will be my only real relative.

1. I applied as a single adopter as the Adopt South London made it quite clear to us a couple of years back that we both need to live under the same roof only to be questioned this time round why my partner is not coming forward as adopter? Why these mixed messages from Adopt South London?

1. Also in the form they asked me what is my preference and I stated a white girl baby but I am open as I appreciate that it is more challenging getting a white child and a girl.

1. What is worse, is that when I spoke to them back in December 2020, they told me that I need to do volunteering as I need to prove recent child experience although I have experience with my partner's children and my friends's ones. So I signed up to GirlGuiding and Scouts, risking my job who were not happy that I would need to leave the office on a regular basis at 16:30 twice per week to attend the sessions.

Having shown my commitment to this by signing up to volunteering and being open to what kind of child I would like to adopt, what I got at the end was a cold email saying that they will not progress with my application as they put the interest of the child first. All these was communicated to me via email (they didnt even pick up the phone to discuss).

How can they claim that they put the child's interest first, when they reject me? I can give everything to a child, a home, love, financial safety, education, holidays, emotional support.. They will be my world. Why do they prefer to leave them at foster homes than let me adopt?

Also if you know any journalists or groups that are trying to tackle and expose the english system and how difficult they make it for kids to get adopted, please do forward them to me as I am still in shock and I owe it to those children to expose the system and the people working in it.

While I will see how I can escalate this, I thought of also investigating the international path. I am Greek so maybe Greece but I am really open. So any pointers for international adoption would be grately appreciated. I have heard that most countries would expect of you, to go and live in the country during the process?

Any help would be so much appreciated as I am really heartbroken and angry at the same time as to how these people behave so recklessly with human lives.

And I doubt you will get anywhere escalating this. You have no commitment rights till stage 2 or beyond.

@claireb7rg

Have you managed to reach Stage 1? Did they tell you that it is extremely difficult to get a baby as they did to me?

We're in stage 2.

No they told us they have loads of early permanence babies coming through at the moment.

OP, I think you need to work out what you want:

1. Do you want to adopt in the UK? If so there are plenty of other angencies and options.

You need to focus the thread on this and you will have to adjust your mindset- starting with not worrying about what one particular agency are doing right or wrong. You can get loads of support about this.

1. Do you want to adopt internationally? You would have more control over the process but you would be less well prepared for the challenge and it will cost.

Again I would stop worrying about the agency and focus on researching that. There is less expertise on IA here but there are still posters who have done it.

1. Do you want to focus on telling off this particular adoption agency?

This will achieve nothing except making you feel better but I can probably give some pointers if you want to.

You can't do all 3. Adoption is hard, the energy and focus needed to do one exclude the others.

Some thoughts

• If you start going to journalists then you will get nowhere fast with adoption in my opinion.

• Is there concern about you 'being together apart'? I can see that could be a concern as it is unusual and could be disrupting for a child. You'd need to be able to explain how you see it working in practice.

• Experience with girl guiding / scouts (has this been online only?) will not be considered very (at all) relevant as you are looking to adopt a baby/toddler

• being specific to white baby girl could be very offputting. What do you mean by 'baby'? Why a girl? Why should they spend time assessing you when someone else might say a child of either sex up to the age of 5.

• if you are single and don't have parents / other family, how are you planning to work & care for a child? Children who need adopting often cannot cope with nurseries etc.

At the moment you sound quite cross. I'd recommend you think how things might appear to SWs, regroup, and apply to a different agency.

I would guess that this agency only has capacity in their social work assessors to take on people they think will be straightforward / people who are likely to be a good match for the children they need to place at the moment.

I know it feels so so hard, but the job of an adoption agency is to find the right families for children. The children's needs are going to be the agency's priority. Throughout the process, it can feel like potential adopters' needs come last, because they sort of need to.

I changed career to something more flexible before I applied to adopt (I did so as a single person). It's very tough as a single adopter because you simultaneously need financial stability, and to be available to a child who may not cope with childcare at all. The adoption approval process challenged my thinking and made me really scrutinise what I wanted, what I might cope with in terms of children with additional needs and/or an experience of trauma, and who would support me. It was tough. But so worth it - my child was placed with me 7 years ago and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

If this is the right path for you, I would suggest trying another agency. It may be worth ringing this one back first and asking for feedback though. It would be a huge shame to try and do lots of extra work to change things, and then discover it was just that this agency is under-staffed, or only has children aged over five at the moment, for example. I wish you the best of luck with it all.

@claireb7rg

Did you actually go via the Local Authority agency or another agency and if so which one?

May I ask what Local Authority (region) covers you? If you do not want to share on a public post, feel free to send to me a private message and of course I appreciate if you dont want to say all together.

Adopt South London told me that they dont have much babies.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

Thank you for your thoughts. Very insightful comments and constructive questioning which I feel would represent accurately the scrutinising by the panel too.

Here are my thoughts:

1. There are many families in which the father tends to travel for work and stay overnight away from home. I have co-workers who do this or did this at some point in their career. So nothing out of the ordinary here, unless what we are saying is that if it is your own child it is acceptable but if you are adopting, it is not acceptable.

To add to this I wouldnt work for the first few years and financially we can afford to do this.

1. I am starting to have face to face interactions with the children of the organisations I volunteering from next week.
2. As I stated in my original message I did specify in my application that I am open to any ethnicity / age although they ask you to specify what is your preference. It feels like a trap question.

Overall many people have suggested going with another agency but there is only one body that covers my area, ie South London Adopt. All other agencies are private, independent and they still have to go via South London Adopt so not sure what other agencies you mean. Any clarification would be greatly appreciated as it could be something I have missed all together.

Are you a social worker or have you adopted yourself as you do sound quite knowledgeable.

Much appreciated for the time you took to respond to me.

Having a strong support group around you is very important when adopting, especially as a single adopter. You say you have no parents and from my understanding no other relatives around. Your partner does not live with you and has a commitment to his own children. What about your friendship group? Also stating a preference for a white female baby would be a glaring red flag. You want the ' perfect baby'. That doesn't tend to exist in adoption. You could try another agency and see where it gets you. If you are rejected again then it must be something about your situation.

[quote NV42]@claireb7rg

Did you actually go via the Local Authority agency or another agency and if so which one?

May I ask what Local Authority (region) covers you? If you do not want to share on a public post, feel free to send to me a private message and of course I appreciate if you dont want to say all together.

Adopt South London told me that they dont have much babies.[/quote]
We are using a regional agency in yorkshire

@MutteringDarkly

The thought did cross my mind, ie. that this social worker is not experienced enough or overworked. Funny enough when we first interacted with Adopt South London two years ago, the lady we spoke to was so kind, helpful and always tried to find solutions to any potential problems we were coming up with to ensure we have covered all blindspots. Unfortunately when we reached out again in Dec '20 and asked for this lady, they told us she had left and the new one we were asked to talk to, it is nothing like that first lady.

I have already contacted them and highlighted to them all the things they seem to have missed in my application form such as that I am flexible in age/ethnicity etc.

You say to go via another agency but local authorities only have one agency per designated region/authority/wider boroughs etc. So not sure what you mean when you say to go via another agency as any other agency would be private/independent and they would still need to go via South London Adopt.

What was the agency you went with?

May I ask how old, ethnicity was your little at the time of placement and what were the most common questions you got about raising it as a single parent so I can start the pre-work for those?

I really appreciate the time spent answering and of course you do not need to answer publicly, you can always send to me a private message and if not, I fully appreciate you might not want to answer at all due to sensitivity of information.

I’m a single adopter. I don’t see that the agency is giving you a mixed message. You have a partner. The agency told you they expected you to be living in the same house. I think the issue here is probably that you arent in fact single are you? You can’t decide you are single for the purposes of adoption, and yet have a partner.
You are either single or not. I think the issue here is probably that you arent in fact single are you?

How do you see your partner fitting into this?

Getting approved is only half the battle. SWs also have to persuade family finders that you are the best person for their child. I’m guessing that they see you as not being an easy person to match a child with.

You actually have quite a complicated domestic arrangements, its for the adoption agency to decide whether living within such an arrangement is in the best interests of a child and they have determined that its not.
Have you really thought through how it would work? What is your partner’s role in this? If your job gets stroppy with you leaving early twice a week what happens when you have a child and the demands on you will be much greater.

I get that you are frustrated but to be honest your post sounds all about what you want. You want a child to fit into your current life. How could you change things , could you move to Portsmouth and live with your partner and apply as a couple?

@donquixotedelamancha

You are the second person you told me today that I need to focus my energy in getting a child and not solving the wider problem with adoption in this country. I get it and I will do just that.

Saying this, I am the type of person that when I see something that is fundamentally wrong and in this case with a huge impact to children and people's lives, I simply can not stay quiet as then our society will never get better. I refuse to accept that due to this system, children are leaving under dreadful conditions with no financial and emotional safety when they are so many people out there who can give them the world. So yes I would like to hear how one could tackle this issue and if not now, then in the future when it will become clearer if I will ever get approved to adopt, I can kick off this initiative too.

At the end of the day we can not complain about the system, when we ourselves dont do anything as citizens to change it. The system is the direct result of our actions. It is not the politicians. It is down to us as citizens to keep raising issues and be the change we want to see happening.

Just to respond to your point about fathers working away. This is a completely different scenario to that which you are describing.

Its not about whether its acceptable for birth children and not for adopted children. Its a recognition that adopted children may have different needs.
Your partner has shown his commitment to his children by continuing to live near them. Where is that same commitment to a potential adopted child?

Children waiting for adoption are generally not living in terrible conditions with no financial or emotional security. They are living in foster placements where they should be receiving reparative care and nurturing. I am a retired SW and I sit on fostering and adoption panels. The children who require adoptive placements need families who can offer the highest standard of care and agencies are quite rightly choosy about who they accept as adopters. They need to be utterly dedicated to the child and what they need. Griping about the system is not going to get you very far along this process.

NV I'm an adopter, just coming up to 14 years. So only the one experience of adopting, but have followed adoption boards before, during and since. I also helped with adopter training for a while.

unless what we are saying is that if it is your own child it is acceptable but if you are adopting, it is not acceptable.

Actually that is quite often the case. A well adjusted child with strong attachments can cope with more than a child who has been through trauma of losing birth parents and foster carers, and possible neglect /abuse or whatever.
A very simple example of something you can do with birth children but not adopted ones is have them share a bedroom.

I am starting to have face to face interactions with the children of the organisations I volunteering from next week.

What age is this? Unless it is rainbows and beavers I don't think it will help you much sadly. And even they are well above your target age.

It feels like a trap question.

I think it is a bit of a trap (and to some extent you maybe fell into it). You need to be realistic, but at the same time as open as you can be. So if you really would only accept say a healthy white baby under 12 months then say so. But otherwise say more like 'I am open to exploring either sex and any race, age up to age 5, though I accept that I may be better matched to a white / southern European baby. I am open to considering disabilities but would anticipate that my child should be able to attend mainstream school'

@Ted27

Very good point. Noted.

@NV42 I would just like to extend a virtual hug as no doubt the news is devastating.

In reading your original post it does sound like maybe as everything was done via email as opposed to over the phone (as was done in December 2020) somethings may have been misunderstood. You can apply to adopt through another local authority in London and I would even encourage that as you don't really want to be living in the same LA as the birth family for the child's sake. Also with an agency they have their own approval board so it wouldn't go through adopt south London.

I would agree with some of the other posters as a social worker and previous panel member I would be...hesitant or questioning if I was presented with the separate living conditions of you and your partner. I get why you don't live together (me as an adult) but I would not really be as the child's social worker. The rest of your attributes sound promising and maybe through the training you will have more understanding of the children's early childhood experiences alternatively YouTube or adoption blogs (adoption chatter on Instagram) is a good place to look.

@TeenMinusTests

Indeed, I specifically chose beavers and rainbows for that matter.

What experience do adopters who adopt babies usually have? I know quite a few people who adopted a baby but had never cared for a baby or toddler specifically before.

Totally get all other points. Very helpful.

@sabzino

Thank you for the virtual hug.

Exactly because I am not living with my partner together every day (he comes here Thursday to Monday) that is why I applied as a single adopter. Wouldnt that be ok?

If ultimately I have to separate from my partner to be officially single, I will do it, as having a child is far more important than being in a relationship (regardless if I love to pieces my partner). I will do whatever the system asks me to do.