Being rejected by Adopt South London without even reaching Stage 1

[NV42]

Dear all

I submitted the "Potential Adopter Form" to Adopt South London last week and this week I got an email saying that they will not take my case and I am not approved to proceed to Stage 1.

To say that I am in shock is an understatement. I am 44 years old, female, living in Barnes, single but with a loving partner of 3 years who lives in Portsmouth as his job and his young children from another relationship are there. I have a 100K job, my own property and lots of love to give as I dont have parents and the child will be my only real relative.

1. I applied as a single adopter as the Adopt South London made it quite clear to us a couple of years back that we both need to live under the same roof only to be questioned this time round why my partner is not coming forward as adopter? Why these mixed messages from Adopt South London?

1. Also in the form they asked me what is my preference and I stated a white girl baby but I am open as I appreciate that it is more challenging getting a white child and a girl.

1. What is worse, is that when I spoke to them back in December 2020, they told me that I need to do volunteering as I need to prove recent child experience although I have experience with my partner's children and my friends's ones. So I signed up to GirlGuiding and Scouts, risking my job who were not happy that I would need to leave the office on a regular basis at 16:30 twice per week to attend the sessions.

Having shown my commitment to this by signing up to volunteering and being open to what kind of child I would like to adopt, what I got at the end was a cold email saying that they will not progress with my application as they put the interest of the child first. All these was communicated to me via email (they didnt even pick up the phone to discuss).

How can they claim that they put the child's interest first, when they reject me? I can give everything to a child, a home, love, financial safety, education, holidays, emotional support.. They will be my world. Why do they prefer to leave them at foster homes than let me adopt?

Also if you know any journalists or groups that are trying to tackle and expose the english system and how difficult they make it for kids to get adopted, please do forward them to me as I am still in shock and I owe it to those children to expose the system and the people working in it.

While I will see how I can escalate this, I thought of also investigating the international path. I am Greek so maybe Greece but I am really open. So any pointers for international adoption would be grately appreciated. I have heard that most countries would expect of you, to go and live in the country during the process?

Any help would be so much appreciated as I am really heartbroken and angry at the same time as to how these people behave so recklessly with human lives.

I think the whole adoption process is very emotional and you should definitely not look at this with anger and thinking about journalists is completely the wrong approach. I would think about what changes you can make to ensure a completely stable and good home for a child who will be traumatised no matter what age. Most people have to get everything in the right place to get into the position to make this huge life change and you want to be able to work towards complete life stability, people will move house, choose their career/job around this for example, its all worth doing first, and at the same time making time for as much learning/experience as possible. I would join Adoption UK & start reading & learning what its all like, get everything how it should be for the optimal home for a traumatised child and then return or apply to another agency if that one doesnt feel right for you. Its just that its a huge cost for them to spend the time to assess you so they can only only accept people who are defo likely to go through panel and be able to be matched with a child they have. If they dont have white girl babies, they dont have white girl babies so they wont be able to justify the expense of assessing you. Don't take it personally, take it as the first step of the learning curve all adopters go through and build on your strengths to become an adopter they really want. Maybe you could consider little siblings for example. Its a very very long process and it isnt easy, and its emotional at every stage, so don't take it to heart but use it as a step tp
o the next stage, and the next part of the very long journey to your future daughter, or daughters, who knows!

I wonder if it is also that they are understuffed or have been trained not to look at the good and the positives a potential adopter can bring, like in my case being already familiar with emotional attachment, abandoment, luck of belonging etc. I know exactly how these children feel as I was one of them
You know how you felt, that’s not to say any other child would feel the same way in this situation.

In terms of your relationship, I’d want you to be honest about the set up, not try to manipulate things to fit. If your partner isn’t living with you, don’t pretend he is but think about the impact on an adopted child, if he is there again be honest and think about your family composition and how it would impact on an adopted child.

I wouldn’t assess someone in a couple trying to adopt as a single person, or a couple where one partner was living elsewhere - you need to decide whether you want to have children together and go from there.

@NV42

it is very likely that they are understaffed and overworked, but its a bit daft to suggest that they are trained not to look at the positives someone can bring
I know you havent had the answers or support you were looking for here.
But if , as you say you are , willing to do anything, then sort out your living arrangements, because despite what you think, that is the real issue. Thats what you say was made clear to you in your first post.

Sorry that its not what you want to hear.

Thank you all for all the answers and support.

I am having a phone call with the LA next week, where I will bring up all your useful suggestions and see what they would be happy with.

Thank you again for your support.

I have experience of being approved as a single adopter, and there was an adopter with the same agency as me (North-England based though) whose situation was very similar to yours. Her partner lived abroad. She did get approved.

Having spent 2 years jumping through hoops and understanding all the ins and outs of the processes, I'd honestly suggest the following:

• apply with a different agency. An agency that rejected you would rarely proceed with you a second time, regardless of the circumstances.

-single adopters do have less choice when it comes to age ranges. This isn't just about the approval, theoretical process, but when it comes to matching, couples will almost systematically be prioritised apart from in the cases where children have specific needs which make them more suitable for single parents - such as attachment issues to one of the sexes etc... I do wish social workers would be more honest about this upfront, but obviously they can't admit to discrimination.

-if you are determined to be considered for a baby, all is not lost: the only way to have a realistic change is to go through the concurrency route. I suggest you read about this if you're not familiar with it: essentially a foster placement from birth where the parent gets a year to prove themselves. In practice, over 90% of the babies stay with the foster carer who becomes the adopter. You have to be approved for both adoption and fostering but the process is not that much more cumbersome. You also have to be prepared for disappointment at the end.

-if concurrency isn't for you, I would suggest being open to adoption of children in the 5-8 year old bracket. This would make an adoption agency more likely to take the time to work with you as it's more realistic in terms of finding a match. Agencies have limited time and money to invest, and when they know getting a baby placement for an older single adopter is going to be tough, they are unlikely to want to invest all the time to approve you in the first place.

Good luck. Getting approval is a very long, arduous route for all but you can get there :)

A few things - did you disclose a non resident partner? I can understand them being concerned that he splits his time. Two if getting to guides on time is hard, how will you cope with a child? And 3, there are very few babies, most kids have additional needs/trauma how will you cope? I suspect they are concerned you aren't realistic

I do wish social workers would be more honest about this upfront, but obviously they can't admit to discrimination

That may be your experience with your agency but I know of many babies and under 3 year olds placed with single adopters and obviously there were no particular attachment issues with newborns and very small babies placed through concurrency. Relatively few children are placed in the 5-8 year old range and most will be placed with a younger sibling, permanent foster care tends to be the best option for children over 7/8 years for various reasons.

In this case the OP has applied as a single adopter when she isn’t single, which will be the primary issue needing to be resolved.

@Iris2020

Im also a single adopter. I don’t agree that single adopters are systemically overlooked in favour of couples - I think we have moved on from that.
I know lots of single adopters, many of whom had babies or very young children placed with them, some of them more than once.
The way I understand the legal processes for the children working is that realistically anyone who wants a very young child has to do Foster to Adopt or concurrency
Its also quite a big leap from baby to children over 5. What about the 2, 3, 4 year olds?
As someone who did adopt a nearly 8 year old, whilst I would encourage people to think about older children, ultimately if you want a baby thats what you should hold out for.
I had my reasons for not wanting a baby, others will have their reasons for wanting a baby.

Hi OP,

Most LAs are in regional arrangements now, meaning that if you call your neighbouring authority, they will probably just refer you to the regional arrangement where you live. You could look at VAs as others have suggested, but be aware that many of them are not in regional arrangements so as such do not have children to place, and have to "sell" adopters, so are looking for candidates that they are likely to be able to "sell" easily.

A person in a relationship applying as a single, or moving a partner in just to make it look better on the application, will not work. You should be living together for at least a couple of years in a committed relationship to show that your partnership is strong enough to withstand a child joining.

There are plenty of white baby girls available not only in London, but nationwide. The issue is that these white baby girls generally come with the "alarm bells" that adopters do jot want to consider, such as drug use in utero, parents with learning disability, developmental delay, genetic issues, foetal alcohol etc. Agencies have a whole list of people jolting out for the "healthy white baby" so understandably try and steer their resources to the applicants who could consider more complexity/older/siblings etc.

I would suggest you read widely, try and meet some adoptive parents, look at websites, and have a good think about where your partner sits in all this and whether this is the right route for you.

All the best with your journey x

@Ted27

Having spoken to the agency, I just need to update the form with my partner as the second applicant and then they will assign us a social worker. I think it was all a big confusion but glad it was sorted.

Saying this I had considered adopting prior meeting my partner, so I am very interested to the single parent stories as after the maternity/paternity leave which for some firms it is one year full pay, what do they do? The agencies keep saying and as many people said on this thread, that these kids have special needs so what if they need a parent full time with them? If you are single what do you do?

This email thread has been an eye opener for me as it shows that the process is not the same for all agencies, even within an agency as people come and go and each person may view things differently. What do I mean by this? You (I thought the same thing btw) have stories of single parents, but one of the question they ask (and as posted on this forum) is "What will you do if you can not go back to work if the child still needs full time attention".

I do feel that pontential parents are at the mercy of who they will end up with as first contact at an agency, the social worker later, the panel people..

Regarding adoption leave, it would be very very rare for a firm to offer a year with full pay. I took a year, I was able to have leave but as I’m a member of the birth family I wasn’t entitled to pay during adoption leave, social services did provide me with the equivalent of statutory adoption pay (about £150 a week) and I relied on savings.

My son went to nursery when I was back at work, I built this up very slowly, so he started with hour sessions and we eventually worked up to a full day. For him from his first one hour session to me going back to work was about three months. To secure my place I did have to pay my full nursery fees, which was very painful on my bank balance.

If a child needs to have a parent at home then that parent needs to be at home, if that is something my son had needed he simply wouldn’t have been matched with me. I was the last option when looking at him being placed with birth family, so if he had needed a stay at home parent I wouldn’t have been successful in becoming his Dad.

My son is almost six, I work part time (four short days 8:45-3:45, it should be 4:45 but I am allowed to work through my lunch), my son wouldn’t cope with long hours in childcare or spending a long time in after school club, so I’m unable to work fulltime. To be honest I wouldn’t want to, I get to have so much more time with him, my hours also mean I’m not knackered, so I’m not grumpy tired Dad.

@NV42

depending on the level of your child’s needs you either go part time, move to a less stressful job, or you give up work and unless you have a private income, you live off benefits.

I’ve been part time for 9 years, though I did increase my hours 18 months ago. I live off a combination of earned incone and benefits. I have a decent civil service job but its a job, not a career.

This is why the process is tough, it has to be, Social workers are generally not nit picking for no reason. Adopters need to understand the risks, why they need to look at your financial stability. why they look at your support network etc etc.

The basic process in England is the same regardless of the agency, although some agencies may emphasise some things more than others. There processes are different in Scotland and Northern Ireland.

Adopted children are deemed to have additional needs, but those needs exist on a very wide spectrum. One of the challenges in adopting a small baby is that they’re outcomes are much more uncertain, so many conditions only become apparent as the child grows and meets (or not) developmental milestones. With older children there’s often more clarity about the extend of developmental delay, fur examples, or autism etc. My DD has quite complex needs but can tolerate childcare, after school clubs etc but they need to be vetted carefully to ensure they are responsive to her. My DS has some emotional delay but otherwise is developing well, ahead of his peers academically. Both cope well in mainstream school and my DD is flourishing with additional supports.

In saying that, I work part time because I couldn’t manage all of my DD health appointments and work full time. I have a DH and between us there’s a lot of flexibility in terms of how much we need to work.

There’s a lot to consider in adoption and it’s vastly more complex than having a birth child, which is why the process is so intrusive and why things that are seemingly small in birth family terms take on much more significance in adoption. Adoption sw draw on experience of things that have caused issues in the past, or that would present difficulties for the children they place, or that would leave them open to legal challenge. It’s an incredibly complex process to place a vulnerable, traumatised child with an adult or adults who will parent them to adulthood and beyond.

If your kid needs you home, you find a way of being home, same as any other parent.

Despite other posters' objections, I would reiterate that the path for a single adopter who is already 44 to adopting a baby is significantly harder than that of a younger couple - although that doesn't seem to be the case for concurrency.
It isn't about the social workers seeking to be discriminatory etc. Simply, their task is always "the best interest of the child", and in terms of being able to provide support for the child in the long term, a couple will generally seem like the safer option. There are variations over time as to the number of children available for adoption, and when there are multiple applications for a single child ( and with babies there often are ) it's hard for the single adopter's application to stand out. Anecdotally, there may be plenty of single adopters across the country who adopt babies but in terms of comparing the adoption journey of single adopters v couples in that respect, there is a definite difference.

There is another detail that stands out to me in the OP's message. That is that there are no parents or other close relatives. The threshold for demonstrating a support network is understandably higher for single adopters, and in my case despite having an abundance of close friends I had to work overtime to prove that the child wouldn't be at a disadvantage for having grandparents abroad. The social worker explained that while friends are valuable, in their experience blood relatives do provide the best support in the inevitable difficult times of raising an adopted child.

Rather than focusing exclusively on the issue of the partner living elsewhere, I would try to treat the situation more holistically and look at presenting the whole application in a way that appears "safer" for the agency. A few points to maybe consider:

-the partner situation isn't unheard of in adoption terms. Before same-sex couples were able to adopt, it was common for one of the partners to adopt as a single parent whilst in a known partnership. The point is - agencies have historically been able to deal well with the case of single adopters in known relationships. In favour of the OP, it sounds like their relationship has been stable in this format for years. Being able to explain that the distance is well-managed, not source of tension and unlikely to change will help the case.
-trying afresh with another agency, and being upfront about the situation whilst presenting it in positive terms would hopefully yield good results. Although all the agencies are duty-bound to consider all applicants, from the websites of the agencies, it's possible to get a feel the agency ethos and gage those who are more sympathetic towards non-traditional family units, others towards families who are practising a faith etc... Finding the one that feels right is important.
-Being open to other age-groups
-Emphasizing whatever support network is available and not stressing the absence of blood relatives.

Anecdotally, I've known quite a few people choose the concurrency route and they've all had positive experiences. Those people included a single female adopter.
I wish you good luck.

I do wish social workers would be more honest about this upfront, but obviously they can't admit to discrimination.

You said it was down to discrimination originally, glad to see you acknowledge there are likely other factors at play.

In terms of looking across the spectrum of adoption and seeing a definite difference in journey between single adopters and couples, do you have any evidence for that? In my experience the process is the same though the assessment may focus on different areas, eg strength of relationship, consistency in parenting approaches within a couple, support network, finances etc in single adopters, because these carry relevance depending on situation.

So is your partner happy to become an adoptive parent then ? I am confused because you live in london and he lives in the south west So how is this going to work ? Will he be a parent 4 days a week and absent the rest of the time? . Or have I misunderstood your circumstances? Your partner will need to be fully committed to going through the process and being approved so you can adopt as a family. How will that fit in with his other children and commitments ?

As others have said, if your child needs you at home, then you find a way to do it. I remember rolling my eyes during adopter training, when someone told me that the child might need a parent to be fully at home. In my head, I dismissed that. Boy was I wrong!

I had planned (and saved up for) twelve months off work. As I reached the 9 month point, it was clear that absolutely no way would my child be ready to be in childcare every day within a further three months. I ended up phasing my return to work over a further 6 months (after the first 12m) while we built up nursery very gradually. I was lucky in my employer's flexibility and we lived extremely frugally.

Then it all came crashing down again later just when I thought I was steadily back at work, with the transition to school. Coping with that move was so tough on my child that they only managed part time for the first year. So not even a full school day, never mind any pre or after school care. Once again, a career hit and a serious income reduction. On that occasion we were assessed by post-adoption support who observed my child in school, and we were permitted an adoption allowance. We also started claiming DLA for the additional needs, with the support of our paediatrician. We claimed tax credits. I crossed my fingers nothing major would need repairing...

Luckily for us, things settled, my child became increasingly able to cope, and in time was able to handle being collected once a week from school by another family member, and another day doing a short after school club. So twice a week I could work longer days and boost my income, on the other three days I had to work within school hours only. For some children their ability to cope increases as they grow older, but for some it's the reverse and their needs become more apparent at that later stage. You just don't know how it's going to go. Suffice to say that we won't be buying a new car or updating the house any time soon - but equally every scrimping worrying moment has been entirely worth it, and my child is the best, bravest, most wonderful child in the whole world

I haven't read the whole thread but the 2 major things that jumped out at me are:

1. You have a boyfriend who you don't live with and who won't be adopting with you.

I was told by my local adoption agency this is a big no. Either you are a committed couple adopting together or you are single with no bf lurking in the background.

This is to ensure the safety of the child and the stability of the home you are offering.

1. You stated a preference for a white, female baby. The most in demand category. Don't state anything, they match the child to the parent so you all want the best match, you are not baby shopping.

I was told the chances of me, as a single adopter, adopting a baby was zero - I could join the queue - but I would never be chosen over the hundreds of young couples wanting to adopt babies. I might have a chance if the baby was from the very specific ethnic group I am from, but the chances of that are very very low.

The other less important (I think) issues are, lack of support network - although I would have expected this to be questioned more as you can still have a strong support network even if you have no family around you?
You have also volunteered and have experience with a completely different age group if you want to adopt a baby?

The rules are strict, the bar is so high for adopting and still some horrible people get through, so the agencies have to be tough.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. The correct approach is laid out in the adoption regulations.

By law they should have informed you of your right to appeal to the Independent review Mechanism, which you can still do.

Adopt London is not incorporated - on purpose. Have a look on the LGO website re complaints about Windsor & Maidenhead, Merton, Kingston, Richmond, etc.

Children's histories are being purposely wiped off while the RAA claims adoption support funds that are ringfenced for children, not to be passed off as therapy by one of their drop in chat and meet sessions.

It's the government's plan; deregulate adoption again. They are starting to deregulate fostering as well.

@mutteringdarkly

Adoption allowance, adoption support fund, access to the child's birth records?

I'm hearing more and more about adopters being left to struggle when the law clearly states your entitlement to an assessment using the dfe model means test

Just a heads up - this thread was started in April 2021.

1. you are under no legal obligation to approach the Regional Adoption Agency, which in this case appears to be Adopt London South. They collate the available children from the 10 boroughs they represent. The other London boroughs are represented by Coram, via a new regional adoption agency.

The is a VAA that has the contract for intercountry adoptions ( import and export)

There are regional agencies all over the country.

You can approach any of them. I would imagine that if you are ready to parent over the age of five, then there are many around the country that would benefit.

The regional agencies are only placing within their own regions, as the national registered was closed a few years ago. I'm not aware of any inter agency shared registered. The consortiums used to swap children and adopters, and that's the model that has been adopted.

Myopic, given the number of children in foster care still needing a home.

It is literally a market; I honestly would consider sending your 'c v' to every regional agency and see what comes back.

With regard to the question about full time working parents. There will be an expectation that you give up work for at least two years on placement. It's irrelevant what ' normal' parents would do, or even how long the legal day care limit is.

With regards to availability of babies, the stats are available on the government website by age and ethnicity.

It is very rare that a court would give a LA authority to place a baby for adoption prior to it being six months old. It is only at that point of placement order that they will look to match and train potential adopters, because it is only at that point the agency can gain government funding. (£32k for a child in London this year, 2/3rds of which is supposed to be given to the adoptive family. )

So the assessment will take up to 12'weeks for approval, children placed, and 10 weeks in placement before you can apply for an adoption order.

Mr Gove has been very clear that he wants these time frames adhered to, and more flexibility has been given to placing children in foster to adopt placements while the carers are simultaneously assessed to even further speed up the process.

These regional agencies have been operating roughly 2 years and have not increased the number of 'hard to place' : (over 5s, siblings, BME) achieving permanancy.

Mr Gove has labelled it a roaring success, and the regionalising of fostering is beginning.

I hope that is of some use to you.

@Hope358

I don't know where you are getting your information from but most of it is incorrect.

Firstly adopters are not given a lump of funding as you imply.

Legal processes for children are not related to the approval processss for individual adopters, except for the few cases where it is a child specific approval.
Your descriptioh of the assessement, approval and matching process is wildly inaccurate.
You are not expected to give up work for 2 years, one is the norm but many adopters go back earlier.
Michael Gove has not been the relevant Secretary of State since 2014