Have you ever complained about a foster carer?

[Rainallnight]

During my DD’s introductions, I saw some very concerning behaviour from her towards another baby in her care. And what we saw with DD was concerning too.

I feel like I need to make a complaint about her and that it’s been too long already.

Have you ever done this? How did it go? Can you be anonymous?

The tricky thing is that I’d always thought it would be nice for DD to have a sort of distant auntie relationships with her as she grows up - FC really did love her - but that’s not possible if we do this, I think.

Sorry, my first line makes no sense! Concerning behaviour from the foster carer towards the baby.

The tricky thing is that I’d always thought it would be nice for DD to have a sort of distant auntie relationships with her as she grows up - FC really did love her - but that’s not possible if we do this, I think I think it depends on the behaviour which concerns you, was it something whch could be rectified by a SW talking to the foster carer? Will a SW definitely agree with you?

Do you plan to adopt again?

How "bad" was it?

Our experience was that LAs have quite low standards for FC (certainly nowhere near "is this ok for MY child?" I very much doubt any of the SWs would have left their own child in that care.) And that if you get "complainer" on your records, that can effectively blacklist you in that LA. But if I thought I could stop a child being harmed, I would.

I am a foster carer as well as an adopter. If you saw behaviour that made you worried for the child you absolutely should report it to someone. Could you expand a little bit on what it was you saw that worried you?

Local authorities tend to be protective of foster carers, because foster carers are a very very limited resource doing a very difficult job.

How long ago were intros and how concerning was the behaviour? I did complain strongly about my D.C. foster care and the complaint was taken seriously though I don’t know the end result (as is right and proper). I’d not make the complaint anonymously because it’s too easily written off as someone with an axe to grind. Ultimately if you’re concerned about their care I’d speak to your own social worker in the first instance and they can help you take it forward.

Thanks everyone. Intros were a week long.

We are definitely not going to adopt again! We adopted DD’s little brother too and we’re done

You’re right, @percypetulant, a lot goes on in foster care that no one would want for their ‘own’ child, but one thing in particular struck me as v bad.

@Newpuppymummy The thing I’m most worried about is that while we were having dinner one night, the other baby started crying in his high chair and wouldn’t stop. The FC shouted at him, and turned his high chair to face the wall.

That’s the big thing.

The other things, which would probably fall into the ‘well, that’s just what you sometimes get in foster care’ category, include letting newborns cry it out (she told us she did this with DD), and leaving the babies for hours at a time in front of the telly in their rocker or high chair.

It’s becoming apparent that DD has problems with self regulation and probably some attachment difficulties. I can’t help thinking that at least some of it must stem from her time in FC.

She also never took the babies out, to the park or anything.

Sadly, I don't think you can do anything about this. However, given you're done with adoption, you could raise it with the LA. I would do it as "I saw this, could FC do with more support?"

For me, part of letting go of our awful experiences with our very poor LA has been realising that I can't change things. So, the fact the LA will continue to let children down is not my fault. The fact FC will continue to damage children (actually in a very similar way to yours, CIO, old fashioned methods) is outside my control. All I can do is pick up the pieces with DC. That doesn't stop be being angry on DC's behalf, but I don't have the power to change things, nor the power to be listened to by the people with the power to change things. It's the "is this my crap to carry" question.

I find it shocking that childminders, who have their mindees for eight ish hours per day, have more expectations made of them than foster carers. But it's a class thing- middle class children use childminders, so they have middle class expectations of them. Foster carers look after mostly working class children, so SWs accept care for them they'd never accept for their own children. I think it's awful.

Obviously, there are excellent foster carers out there. I'm talking about what SWs accept.

@Newpuppymummy The thing I’m most worried about is that while we were having dinner one night, the other baby started crying in his high chair and wouldn’t stop. The FC shouted at him, and turned his high chair to face the wall.

Tbh I’d be reporting this, it’s abusive by any measure and SW should investigate and address it. Did you not challenge it at the time though? I couldn’t have sat and not said anything, I certainly couldn’t have sat at a table with a baby facing the wall.

It’s also not ok for babies to be left for hours watching tv - if I saw that happening, again, I’d need to tackle it at the time and raise this with social workers. They can’t do anything if they don’t know.

How long ago did you see all of this?

Foster carers look after mostly working class children, so SWs accept care for them they'd never accept for their own children. I think it's awful.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with class and everything to do with needing people to keep on doing what is a very very difficult job.

The standard of care needs to be “good enough”, not meet a middle class standard of what that looks like. Your standards for your children will be high, because they’re your children and you have time, relationship and stability on your side to help with all of that. Foster carers are in a completely different position with very different challenges, not least that sw need places for children often very urgently meaning they can be dealing with new children arriving, ongoing family contact, formal meetings for multiple children while also helping yours to leave.

That doesn’t excuse abusive or neglectful care, but SW can only address it if they know about it.

I think all children deserve care good enough for my own children, and I believe this should be the attitude in social care. FCs are the first to say they're "professionals". I believe the difference in expectations, and provision of care, is everything to do with class.

I think Rain is in a position to report this. I doubt anything will be done. This behaviour will likely be minimised and accepted by the LA. I don't believe SWs don't address such behaviour because they don't know about it, I believe it's often known about, but thought to be ok for these children, because they have lower expectations of care for these children than they would their own.

I couldn’t have sat and not said anything, I certainly couldn’t have sat at a table with a baby facing the wall.

This issue with adoption is that if you raise this in a way FC don't like, they take against you, you could lose the children you've been matched with, and lose the chance to get the children out of that situation. Intros are a very vulnerable time for adopters, everyone else has all the power. I certainly would understand being horrified, but being unable to raise it at the time.

I'm a social worker and would want to know if anyone had seen a foster carer doing the above. It can't be addressed/ supported if the SW isn't aware. Appreciate it puts you in a tricky position though. Agree with pp that anonymous reports just don't carry the same weight.

Your child may love her but it could be an anxious attachment and not a healthy one.

I think all children deserve care good enough for my own children, and I believe this should be the attitude in social care.

They do, which is why we remove children from families, but your idea of “good enough” care is firmly rooted in your background, values and experience and won’t be what everyone wants for their child. There’s a huge spectrum of acceptable, appropriate child care and parenting - you just need to read most threads on here. What one person thinks is appropriate food, someone else will decry as being too much, to little, to processed etc etc. What one person thinks is an ok bedtime, or ok discipline or ok school routine someone else will have something to say about. We all have subjective views.

There’s no excuse for objectively poor care - and yes I would have (and did) raise concerns about fosters carers during intros. Either you have concerns that need addressed or you don’t, either in person at the time or immediately afterward with SW.

People are very good at saying things aren’t good enough but much less good at actually doing something about it.

I'm not talking about "good enough", I'm talking below the minimum I would expect for a child. I'm talking poor. SWs accept poor care routinely for children in care that they would not accept for their own children, and I think that's unacceptable.

I also think it's incredibly hard for adopters to do anything about it, and we don't have to feel guilty about that. I'm not the one providing, or overseeing, poor care. I'm the one picking up the pieces. I don't deserve the potential backlash from raising it.

It's much easier for LAs to "shoot the messenger" than address their failings. And it is absolutely a class issue, because if middle class children were enduring such "care" the press would be all over it.

I'm talking poor. SWs accept poor care routinely for children in care that they would not accept for their own children, and I think that's unacceptable.

Where’s your evidence for that?

Personal experience. It was accepted, routinely. FC damaged my children, yet was "the best FC we have!" The LA said she was the best, I wouldn't like to meet the others, or see their "care".

But it's ok, SWs (and I know you are one) are reluctant to see this. That's been my experience, and why I don't think there's much adopters can do in this situation.

I think a lot of this can depend on the age of the foster care (and i am only saying this as the example you have given sounds very old school) the country, or the la or the agency they work for.

I am a foster carer and if this was reported against me (would never dream of doing this to be clear) i would fully expect to be took back to panel in regards to my standards of care and their would be conditions then against who i could foster (for instance not allowed to foster under 5 years) and re training.

I have to say that as a fc and adoptor i get a bit fed up of the line that fc are routinely providing substandard care .It is perpetuated by the " languishing in foster care " phrase or " going from placement to placement passed around the care system ". Etc etc.
Foster carers are not working class women who take in children in order to milk them for every penny they can whilst providing as little care as they can get away with. Many are intelligent people with a wealth of experience who go above and beyond.
In my extensive experience social workers are NOT happy to turn a blind eye to poor care. Quite the opposite in fact and I know of fcs who have been removed because of issues. We spend our lives justifying everything we do and are strictly monitired and reviewed every twelve months on top of regular supervision visits.
I know many fc and they all provide a high standard of care and have nothing but the best interests of the children in mind . Of course there are some that fall below the standards and yes bloody well report them because they shouldnt be doing the job and give the rest of us a bad name .
Sorry but it grinds my gears when people generalise about a whole profession .

P s not that working class women are unintelligent of course but it is being implied that they are incapable of providing good care because they are somehow lacking due to there own experiences There are of course fantastic foster carers from all echelons of society. .

I never said FC we're working class.

The children are working class. Which is why poor beginners good enough.

I was also clear there are excellent social workers out there.

My point is that it's incredibly difficult for adopters to raise where care is poor. As proved here, I think.