This is feeling like a disaster

[Runner31]

So, we're nearly 3 weeks in and our 7yr old LO is fab. He is doinf brilliantly although there are some minor challenges. This is the disaster part.....
The whole transition and move to us feels like a disaster and I just don't know if our expectations were too high.

I've posted before about his foster carer not wanting any contact at all. She also didnt give him a card or letter when he left and with her cutting the transition to 5 days he really does seem to have a lot of confusion about her and moving to us.
He alao hasn't been told anything about future contact with siblings or his birth mum. We had been told there would be no contact with two younger siblings but there would with older brother. There would also only be letter box contact with birth mum. He talks quite a bit about birth mum and seeing her again and is clueless that it won't be happening. His final contact with her was delayed but he thinks he will always have contact with. This isn't confusion, he hasn't been told. The words from the social worker were 'we'll wait to see if he asks us'.
We're feeling like we're a long term foster placement. He talks about staying with us but has no clue about the loss of his contact which makes me worry about the impact when he finds out. We don't want to be a part of telling him in case he blames us. We are ready, willing and able to support him with it but feel the decisions around contact should come from his social worker.
Is this all normal? Are we over reacting?
I feel like he has no room for me in his life right now. He still thinks his foster carer is going to be in touch any day now (which she isn't) and his birth family will all stay in touch, which they won't.

We plan to write a strongly worded email to his social worker today almost demanding she speak to him and let him know the situation. Are we over reacting?

Your not overreacting, he needs more support than they've all given him and its not fair on you all. Have you got an adoption support plan? Id definitely get in touch today and say he needs proper support in place right now, it sounds awful for you and hope your all ok :)

You’re not over reacting. He needs to know so he can grieve. I’d tell the social worker that he’s now asking and that you’d like them to tell him the situation. Otherwise you should tell him. You are, after all, his parent.

This isn't confusion, he hasn't been told. The words from the social worker were 'we'll wait to see if he asks us'.

That’s terrible practice, if he’s had final contact with birth mum he should have been aware that was last contact and been prepared so he could say goodbye. Contact with older sibling is a little more tricky because it depends on what his brother can tolerate and that might not have been agreed yet.

At this age and stage he should be fully aware of adoption and what that means for him - it sounds like everyone (foster carers, social workers etc) are avoiding it because of the inevitable emotional impact on him. I’d be writing to social worker copied to the team leader and asking them to detail the prep work done with your child to prepare them for adoption, including any agreement made with him for any ongoing contact. I’d also be asking about final contact with birth mum if that’s not already happened and get that planned it, it needs to happen irrespective of whether he asks or not.

In terms of telling him, in all honesty I’d be preparing myself to tell him. He might be upset and he might blame you but he needs to know that out of everyone in his life you’ll be honest with him, even when it’s really tough. You can argue all day that this work should have been done (and it should) but that won’t help your terrified little boy.

Got cut off making breakfast for my LO and playing cars!

My transition process was harrowing. My son was a lot younger (he was under 2) but despite the photos of me and the book I did nobody actually sat him down and said “this is your new mummy, you’re going to be living with her forever”. The social workers didn’t feel that my son needed it and that his awareness wasn’t at that level. They were wrong. He grieved his FCs angrily for two months and it was only when I stopped our weekly video calls with them and explained he was not going to live with them that he started the process of settling. It took another four months or so until his anger subsided and it felt like he accepted the situation. I’m furious with the social workers, the foster carers and myself for getting it so wrong for him but we didn’t know that he needed to be treated as an older child. Your social workers don’t have that excuse. I hope you have a swift response from your social workers for your son’s sake.

I'm outraged on your behalf.
Our 7 yo had

• a goodbye visit before introductions
• a 3-4 week transition
• FCs who spoke positively about us and the move
• a clear understanding of what adoption meant
• awareness she wouldn't see BM until an adult

Im sorry to hear about your experience but this is completely poor and damaging SW practice. It is imperative you address this with the SW and their manager immediately. It is upsetting to read that the FC did not manage and support the transition well either and your absolutely not over reacting.

Two things here - foster carer and birth family - I would deal with differently. But with both I think you need to do some reading up on the issues and take the lead, and push through what you think needs to happen, not wait for the SW nor be led by them. I have had to write this quickly so hope it makes sense. My experience is at the end of this long post (sorry it is so long!)

In your shoes I would tell him the truth about the foster carer, give her reasons, say you don't agree with them (presumably you don't) and support him with the grief and loss - in my experience this is the only effective way to deal with loss and hurt for a child - to be clear about the loss, put it in context for them, explain all the relevant issues, explain that you cannot remove the hurt but you can make it better for them, and then support them with their feelings. I don't think you could talk about it too much, tbh - raise it a lot and keep talking about it.

At the same time in relation to the birth family say that you don't know what is happening but there are delays and you will do your very best to sort it out as quickly as possible and you will keep him informed and keep talking about it. Obviously don't make promises you cannot keep but once you look into the research you will feel more informed and it will be easier to work out what to do and explain that to him.

In relation to direct contact with bio mother, as well as bio siblings, if this is what he wants I would have a good look at the research which supports it and then push it through with the SW. Considering more direct or f2f contact has been the recommendation for decades incidentally, it is not a new fad - obviously not suitable for every family but far more than it happens in the UK - it is the norm in some countries. Fundamentally the research does not indicate that it will make it harder to bond with you, that is entirely down to you and how you build the relationship. How well the contact goes and its benefit also is down to you and how you manage it, in the absence of a suitable professional helping you (which is unlikely to happen in the UK)

In relation to managing the contact on an ongoing basis, the more you get to know the bio family members the easier this will be - it may be straightforward, it may be very difficult and if the latter it will be like managing any other very difficult relationship.

The UEA post adoption contact website is

sites.uea.ac.uk/contact-after-adoption

The first part of the longitudional study done in the 1990s (or around then)

www.adoption.on.ca/uploads/File/The_benefits_and_challenges_of_direct_post-adoption_contact.pdf

and then the more recent update is longer and denser but worth reading, it covers the question as to whether or not bonding is affected and the short answer is that it isn't but there are many facets to that so it is worth reading it in full

www.uea.ac.uk/documents/746480/2855738/Contact_report_NEIL_dec_20_v2_2013.pdf

NB I am a fast skim reader, and have assumed you are too - if not I have just noticed that the website has been updated with summaries (which are probably worth reading too anyway). The same dpmt has written a book for professionals about how to manage contact which is worth you reading too

In terms of my experience, as per other thread I am an adoptee who was adopted as an older child, was fostered first (was in a care home before too), I have siblings who were not adopted, I am a parent and have had to help my dc through significant loss too, though they are bio not adopted, and derived from what I have read. Obvs my experience is limited to what has happened to me and my own perceptions but feel free to ask questions here or by PM

We are ready, willing and able to support him with it but feel the decisions around contact should come from his social worker.

Just to add to this, decisions around contact now need to be made with you as his parent with support from social work, it sounds like they’ve kept kicking this can down the road and avoided making a decision and/or communicating this decision to him. He’s old enough to have his views about contact considered and I’d be listening to him, giving thought to what pattern of contact was in place pre-adoption and any risk that might be presented by birth mum (which is usually much less than folk would think). It may well be that some form of direct contact is the right thing for him and I’d be strongly advocating for that if you think it would be beneficial for him and birth mum can tolerate it. It might not be what you had planned for but if it’s in his interests, I’d look at it quite seriously.

What happened in your planning meeting? Did you come away with a clear plan of who was doing what work? I’d go back to that plan first and highlight any areas where the work wasn’t done and go from there - you are where you are now, and need to make decisions accordingly based on what you think your child needs, which is hard while you are getting to know him.

I absolutely agree that you can’t be too honest with him, or talk too much about what’s happened in ways he can understand. That in itself will start to build trust and will help him know he can come to you with whatever he’s feeling.

It’s very difficult and I’m sure you have enough on your plate to be getting on with, but waiting for professional support with this is going to take time. In the meantime you’ve got a scared, confused child who needs an adult to guide him through.

Thank you all so much for some really great advice.
@sassygromit I'll have a read of the papers. I am really confused about the whole situation. We thought we knew everything we needed to but are now realising that we really know nothing about the reasons behind stopping f2f contact. I do know he draws connections between bio mums love and presents which causes huge emotional trauma when she lets him down by missing birthdays etc. However, I can see that at his age, stopping all contact with her would be incredibly traumatic. Sibling contact is just a mess and very confusing.
@Jellycatspyjamas the planning meeting seemed to go well and we had a good plan that got thrown out the window on the third day. Both FC and SW stressed how important times and structure would be to him and how important it was we stick to them, then ignored their own words when the move actually began.

Where we're at now is.....we had a meeting with CAMHS this morning who are helping us fight his corner. He had a CAMHS psychologist who asked to keep us on to support us during the transition and the first few months. She was appalled at the speed of the move and agreed with us that he was missing the permission of his FC to move on. She is contacting SW to get them to get the foster carer to write a letter in which shw quite explicitly apologises for the speed of the transition and encourages the move to us. She doesn't think a f2f with her would work because she has already made it clear to him that she wouldn't see him.
She also gave us advice on how to approach getting clarity on birth family contact which begins with us finding out from our LO what he wants and what he needs to know.
We feel a lot better after speaking to CAMHS but I think we're going still going to have an uphill battle getting all the info we need for him.
I honestly can't tell you how helpful it has been to know we aren't over reacting and for you all to give us important advice.
Thanks very much.

Just in case anyone pops by and can offer advice this is still feeling awful and is going downhill fast. His behaviour has regressed to toddler or max 4 yr old with us and the constant daily comparisons between us and his foster mum are becoming unbearble to the point I am exhausted from faking even liking him at the end of each day. As an outsider looking in I can see exactly where it's coming from and why but as a new parent living in it I am breaking. Lockdown hasn't helped at all and despite social work requests for more, his new school will only have him in for 2 days a week. Those days are the best days for all of us. He is due to get a goodbye letter from his old foster carer next week which might help so I guess we'll just muddle along and see what happens after that.

This was to be expected he was to old to have left his foster career in such a way, he has had no real information as to contact etc his life as a whole and why he’s being adopted also seems to have been totally missed, I’m so angry for you. You all need help now or this will not be successful, can I suggest you make it clear, how your feeling and how let down you feel, for yourselves and your son. I am a former foster career and I’m disgusted at this situation, however not surprised, his foster career should be ashamed of themselves, please call sw etc tomorrow and be firm.

Oh Runner I feel so awful for you this is just so rubbish of the foster carer, how can it have taken them this long and still not have a letter to you. I think you need to email his social worker today and include that you will ring tomorrow, so they know to prioritise this first thing tomorrow. Then ring in the morning and get support in place for him immediately. Id also speak to Adoption UK tomorrow for advice on what support can be best in such a situation if you havent spoken to them already? I dont know and hope the CAHMs gives him support with the loss and hope you can get councelling/theraplay ongoing and immediately or something in place? Does he have anything yet from the foster carer? Do you have a photo of her? id get your social worker around straight away and have them be more supportive. Then id probably snuggle on the sofa with him and just hibernate, watch all his favourite tv shows together, eat snacks together and make things easy on yourselves, forget about anything that gives you stress like school work or anything, just focus on snuggling? Join him in his sadness so he can work through it with you. Maybe it helps him draw pictures for his foster carer (even if she never gets them??) dont know. Im sorry I have no real advice but really feel for you and hope things improve in time, and really hope the foster carer will do something to help him.

Good heavens this is an awful situation. I'm so sorry you and your son have been so badly let down. I have no real advice but I would contact ss tomorrow and demand that they do something to move things forward, insist that they act and that he is their priority. How your poor son can be expected to move on and for a healthy attachment in these circumstances is beyond me.
All I can suggest is keep him talking, which I'm sure you are, and try to explain things as best you can.
I wish you all the best.

It’s very hard, I’m going to be honest though the likelihood is you’d be dealing with his grief even with the most perfectly managed transition. While it certainly won’t have helped, he’d still be making comparisons, still be struggling with adjustment, the regression is a very very common feature in transition. So yes, you need help to cope with it but the chances are you’d be here anyway.

In terms of aggression, what’s his behaviour like? Is it needing babied, needing lots of physical contact and interaction, not being able to dress, brush teeth, feed himself etc? He’ll need a lot of care just now, far more than you’d expect a 7 year old to need - which is utterly exhausting. That would be the case regardless - he needs to find his way through and honestly his head will be so full of all the stuff that’s happened to him the chances are he will regress because he can’t process it all. He’s had Christmas, new year, new family, home, possibly new school, lost his old family, nothing’s familiar to him etc etc. You know this but it sounds like you’re focussing all your energy on what the foster carers didn’t do instead of recognising the totality of what he’s going through.

I’d meet him where he is for now, so try to meet his care and physical needs, treat him younger than he is, he may need the security of toddler style care just now - he won’t stay there forever.

In terms of school, you’re only 5 weeks in and when it’s so difficult it’s easy to think more time apart from you is the answer - but it really isn’t. He needs to be with you, keep it at two days, so you have some relief and plan the rest of your time with him so you have active time together, passive time together (eg tv/movies) and he has independent play time (quite limited abd with you in sight).

Talk to him about what’s different in your home, draw up new family rules with him so he knows what to expect, be open with him that he won’t see the foster carers again, nit in a blaming way but so he knows and can process what’s happening. What have you told him about adoption, how does he understand what’s happened from your point of view.

He’ll be so very confused, everything you can do as his parent to help him understand is a good thing. It’s very very early days for you all, my two were 4 and 6 when they were placed and the transition was awful - we too had very significant difficulties with foster carers, I do know what it’s like, seek support for yourself to give him what he needs.

In terms of aggression that should of course read regression

How recently did he have contact with his BM? Would you consider f2f going forward as maintaining some existing relationships might help he let go of others. This really is an almost unimaginable amount of loss for a 7 year old to be dealing with in a short space of time though with his BM, FM and 3 siblings. Honestly my heart breaks for how he must be feeling.

Can you give some examples of what he says with the comparisons? Is it general or about rules/routine etc? Also examples of the regressive behaviour, like pp asks too? What you are doing, what routine is like and activities you are getting up to, how much you are getting out and where you go? What has been talked about re contact now?

What do you struggle with, what is ok?

Hi I agree with what lots have already said and my son was also 7 when he came here. Please if he hasn’t already had It push for life story work too. My ds link worker said he was 7 and had a very good understanding of what’s went on in his life... he 7!! How much did sense did she think he would make of it? Anyway, he never ever got it, it was all down to us to explain the road even though we weren’t in his life before adoption and then we had to keep up letters with bm and we could see older family but that was it. Foster carer wanted to stay in touch, sw advice to us was that it would interfere with his new life. We went down the sw route but I don’t know if it was the right thing or not because she had him for a couple of years so they were already like family to him. You now need to make your own decisions for your child and whatever you decide is that, your decision. Speak to him and gradually drip in info regards mum like I spike to mine about the adoption replacing birth certificate and how it meant I am now his legal mother. Yes it upset him once due realisation set in but I feel we owe it to them to be as honest as we can be without being harsh but he needs to know where he stands in life. Only then can you learn to live and move on as a family x

Sorry if I haven't tagged you but.....
Rules and routines in the house were made really clear and straightforward. Visual timetable and consistency being key and in most areas we kept to the same routine as foster carer. We followed all the guidance and advice as best we could.
Some examples of comparisons well they are consistent and constant and cover everything from rules to basic observations such as 'x let me wash her car and gave me that sponge' to 'x let me do this or that '. I know it sounds ridiculous but I am not exaggerating when I say it's constant, it is literally every half hour at least. He was at the park today with a friend and her son who he knows from school and spent 10 minutes telling his mum all the amazing stuff his foster carer has done.
The regression is mostly around baby/toddler talk, playing with toddler toys, he's eating all his food with his hands and he follows me every where. Self care is fine. He also seems to force himself to hug me. If we sit on the sofa together he tries to hug me repeatedly then pulls away.
I totally understand why this is all happening and if I wasn't in the middle of it I would be giving me a good slap but I just can't see how we move on and how to help him. It's actually my main reason for wanting him in school for 3 days, I need space to breathe and process everything before I explode. He has a meeting with his social worker tomorrow who I'm going to speak to first and explain where I am at with it. I'm also contacting CAMHS tomorrow to get some advice with how we respond to the constant foster carer chat. We've tried showing interest and asking questions, and ignoring the comments but both methods haven't worked and just seems to increase it.
I honestly do appreciate all your advice. I'm not a naive person but feel totally unprepared for this. Trauma from birth family side I was ready for but this poor boy is in agony over losing his happy home and the one person who loved him. That I was not ready for.

OP, I don't have much wisdom, because it sounds like you have actually got this. It's a shitty situation for him, and it's really hard when starting parenting is like this, and not the snuggly newborn days other people get. Look after yourself, you're doing really well.

Your son is going to grieve his FCs for a long time and, bluntly, it’s not something you can or should try to fix. All you can do is be there and be constant and remember it’s not personal and not about you. Have a look for books on children grieving - that helped me when my son came home. Even now (9 months into placement, he’s 2.5 so say younger) my son will talk about his FCs every day. He no longer sobs or tells me he wants them or packs a bag to go back or draws endless pictures of them (or gets me to). But he’s over the anger stage - all grief changes and fades.

It’s so hard. It’s a hard hard start to creating a family. Be gentle with him and yourselves.

x let me wash her car and gave me that sponge' to 'x let me do this or that '. I know it sounds ridiculous but I am not exaggerating when I say it's constant,

My son did this, and still does. Most of it isn’t actually true but him saying “x let me” has become shorthand for “I want to do more than you’d let me”. It’s frustrating but honestly I found that saying things like “that’s ok, do you want to try it now”, or “that’s really different to here then” and just moving the chat on means he moves on. It can feel rejecting of you but really he’s just trying to make sense of the loss and change and it’s a normal process. There’s a really helpful model of change and loss which says we (all of us) oscillate between trying to hold on to what was, and adjusting to the new reality when we experience loss. This is his way of holding on and he might need to do that for a while. In time he’ll do it less and less but it’s too early to move on - it’s only been 5 weeks. If every single thing in your life changed overnight with no explanation would you be ready to move on after 5 weeks? Let him talk, I found I had to tune out a bit at times, and I did a lot of smile, nod, redirect. It’s very draining but it’s part of his process, he’ll move on as he settles.

In terms of regression I had that with both of mine, particularly in terms of eating with their hands - no matter what the meal was they’d eat with their hands. We simply had lots of finger food meals until they were ready to move on again - and they did after a good few months. Even now they love meals that they can pick at, sitting at a table is hard for them especially if they’re stressed. And I’d fully expect him to follow you everywhere - he isn’t able to cope with you out of sight. I had two limpets, they needed to be physically close to me at all times, I couldn’t cross the kitchen to empty the washing machine without them both there.

I guess what I’m saying is, this isn’t about you doing anything wrong, or your little boy reacting abnormally - it’s a process and it’s going to take time. A lot of time. And patience, lots of patience.

At this point in placement I had weekly social work visits, and some of those were very tearful - it’s incredibly hard. Where’s your support network, are you able to find space where you can just talk about the pressure you’re under. Everything has changed for you too and no one can prepare you for caring for a small child that you don’t know and is hurting badly. If you feel 3 days would help, see if social work can support you with the school. Use the time to rest and get support, I found therapy an absolute godsend at this stage. It’s hard because it’s hard, it honestly get easier but it takes time.

Look up a book called Small steps for little people. The bear book my sw ever provided us with. It explains how to understand your adopted child, their emotions. Traumas, etc. Fabulous book x

Maybe I'm just not the right person to deal with it. I hate admitting I can't do something but if this is normal and it continues at this level or worse for weeks, months or years more I can see us all having a pretty miserable life together. The escalation since her birthday 2 weeks after he moved in is really unbearable.
My support network is non existent. Thanks to covid I can't see the people I need and even though I can message or video call people it's not the same as a hug or face to face support, especially when we're all stuck in the house together. It also means SW don't visit regularly. We get one visit from his SW and one from ours and that's all. His was within 72 hours of placement and ours is this week.
I get what you're saying, if I was him I would be feeling exactly the same. That just makes me realise what a bloody awful parent I am that I can't even support him through this grief.

no Runner your an amazing parent honestly, you are doing amazing, it is just the toughest time ever and time will improve things, you are supporting him through his grief and you are fighting for him to get better support, you are dping exactly the right things. I think it sometimes really helps to take the worry out of some of the things that are giving you stress, like the regression, that will change in time and if you dont stress about the eating with hands etc then it will totally lighten your load. My ds 7 eats with his hands, mine always wants me to put his socks on etc when hes feeling he needs extra love, yours is at his most stressed time where he just wants to be reassured that you are there for him. I would totally embrace the babying and put that aside as a stress as it will change in time and will only be good for attachement. It wont be like this forever. When hes in school totally rest and focus on you time. im sorry I dont have good advice, but its worth speaking to the experts like at adoption UK, they are amazing support.