This is feeling like a disaster

[Runner31]

So, we're nearly 3 weeks in and our 7yr old LO is fab. He is doinf brilliantly although there are some minor challenges. This is the disaster part.....
The whole transition and move to us feels like a disaster and I just don't know if our expectations were too high.

I've posted before about his foster carer not wanting any contact at all. She also didnt give him a card or letter when he left and with her cutting the transition to 5 days he really does seem to have a lot of confusion about her and moving to us.
He alao hasn't been told anything about future contact with siblings or his birth mum. We had been told there would be no contact with two younger siblings but there would with older brother. There would also only be letter box contact with birth mum. He talks quite a bit about birth mum and seeing her again and is clueless that it won't be happening. His final contact with her was delayed but he thinks he will always have contact with. This isn't confusion, he hasn't been told. The words from the social worker were 'we'll wait to see if he asks us'.
We're feeling like we're a long term foster placement. He talks about staying with us but has no clue about the loss of his contact which makes me worry about the impact when he finds out. We don't want to be a part of telling him in case he blames us. We are ready, willing and able to support him with it but feel the decisions around contact should come from his social worker.
Is this all normal? Are we over reacting?
I feel like he has no room for me in his life right now. He still thinks his foster carer is going to be in touch any day now (which she isn't) and his birth family will all stay in touch, which they won't.

We plan to write a strongly worded email to his social worker today almost demanding she speak to him and let him know the situation. Are we over reacting?

I felt like this, with AC and BC. That someone (anyone!) Would do a better job than me. That isn't true, though. You're clearly doing SO well. It is totally exhausting in the early days. Take it hour by hour, and don't be afraid to chat to your GP if needed.

This really will get better. You're strangers at the moment, but you are clearly a brilliant parent, and can do this.

Hi @Runner31
I'm not an adoptive parent (currently being assessed which is why I'm here). So I won't give you any advice about actually supporting your DC, as there are lots of very experienced people here. It just struck me what you said about not having much support because of COVID. This must be a really difficult time to have brought a child home, when lots of the things you would otherwise rely on (hugs, coffees with friends) aren't available.

Obviously you have come here to ask for help, and it's great you are doing that. I agree with PPs that it sounds like you are doing a good job. But it's good you were able to say how you are feeling. So wanted to give you a virtual hug 🤗

That just makes me realise what a bloody awful parent I am that I can't even support him through this grief.

You’re not an awful parent, you’re a very new parent to this little one. This is very hard work. It can absolutely floor you because every adjustment he’s having to make you’re trying to make too, while also parenting a new person, while also seeing every single thing in your life changing. I remember someone saying that she spent the first 3 months thinking she had lost her mind - she was the only friend who had adopted that was honest about how hard it was and I clung to her words like a life raft in the early weeks and months.

Anyone caring for your child would be experiencing similar things to you. There’s a way through but it starts with not expecting too much too early on. You’re still settling in - he’s going to grieve, you can’t change that so take away any expectation that you can stop him hurting. You can be there, you can hug when he allows you, you can play and help him keep occupied, you can build relationship with him. Literally everything else will come with time.

If he’s eating with his hands, give finger food and lots of baby wipes, if he’s using baby talk, talk to him in the same way (and feel a complete idiot - I used puppets so I didn’t feel quite so stupid), if he hugs, accept him and offer/ask for hugs. Throwing and catching type games are good for building connection, so are things you can do alongside - Lego kits have been excellent for this in our house, we also pull out the recycling bin and make models using boxes, cartons etc - it doesn’t need to look like anything but the cutting, sticking, colouring is good. Get outside as much as you can, long walks (does he like sticks, my son still collects sticks everywhere we go), if you can get to a park do it, the swinging, rocking, jumping actions all help to self regulate.

I had visions of my kids colouring, doing crafts, jigsaws, reading etc but my kids just won’t do it - I’d spend ages setting up this fabulous craft project only for it to end in chaos and frustration. It’s hard but I’ve learned to not fret about it, we have active games, dancing, throwing, nerf guns etc my kids aren’t sit quietly kids - we use screens for quiet time.

Please don’t lose heart, if there’s anything I can help with, pop me a message. You’ve got this.

@Runner31

You are not an awful parent, but you are a new parent in a difficult situation, you have all had the most enormous shock and disruption to your lives.
It will get better, in time. This is were you have to grit your teeth and just get through it, however you can
Use the time he is at school to rest, tag team with your partner, get out of the house. Do what you need to do.
Jellycats has given you some really excellent advice.
I look back on our early days and wonder how we got through it, but we did and so will you
Keep posting here

Both FC and SW stressed how important times and structure would be to him and how important it was we stick to them, then ignored their own words when the move actually began.

I went back and read your earlier posts, and this stood out to me. As a social worker I would have given the same advice about keeping to foster care routines etc, having now adopted two children I’d not give the same advice in future. To give an example my kids both came with very different sleep routines from foster care.

My daughter was in bed by 7.00 every night and shut in her room until 7.30 the next morning (aged 6) My son would be up til 10.30 at night, be taken for long evening walks and given a screen to play with until he fell asleep (aged 4). I was told he didn’t need much sleep and she would wander round the house in the middle of the night. What I saw was a little boy who had no sleep pattern and was running on adrenaline and a little girl who was terrified of being left on her own. The first thing I did was change their night time routine, and after much stress (me) and tears (them), they were both in bed and sleeping by 7 and up by 7 the next morning, in the early days they wound sleep for 12/13 hours and clearly needed the rest. They both now know when they’re tired and go to bed fairly easily. They’ll both come into bed with me at times (sometimes more often than not) but that’s fine. We also more slowly changed their diet, mealtimes etc.

He lives with you, he needs to know how it’s going to be in your house so if there are parts of his routine that don’t quite fit or work for you look at changing them. You’re his parent now and it can be very hard if you’re sticking to routine because it suited his previous carer but it doesn’t fit well with you. You may feel less stressed if you give yourself permission to do it your way (with the usual caveat that you’ll make mistakes, get things wrong etc). Talk about why you’re doing X even if you think he doesn’t grasp it but start to think of how your home life will be and move steadily in that direction. I imagine it’ll be confusing for him to see you doing things the way his foster carers did, but not quite right (because we’re all different and her routines are unfamiliar to you so you know the “what” but not the “how”).

Also don’t be scared by his emotions, he’s going to cry, and be angry, and upset - you haven’t done that to him, it just is. Give him space to cry, help him express anger safely, it’s not your job to make him happy all the time, you’re not a bad parent if he cries. You’re not a bad parent if you cry too.

@Jellycatspyjamas you have completley hit the nail on the head with some of it. We do feel like carrying on some of his old routines and rules is really unatural for us. He was very similar with bed at 7.45pm, he would wake at 7am but wasnt allowed out of his room till 8.30am. That just doesn't make sense in our house when we get up at 6.30 if not earlier most days but he still doesn't come out of his room till after us even though we know he is awake. He has always gone to bed with water in a bottle to drink but we noticed he guzzled it before bed and got up through the night, every night to go to the toilet. We stopped that at the end of last week and he wasn't happy at all because it went against X's rules but he is now sleeping better and we encourage drinking water first thing in the morning.
Yesterday I felt almost at absolute breaking point and I know I ended up being grumpy and snappy with him. So, rather than add imense guilt to my stress we sat down and had a chat about how I'm learning to be a mum and I find it all hard as well. I was very clear not to put any blame on him or his foster carer but more went with it's totally natural for us all to be worried or anxious with all the change. Last night we encouraged him to be honest with his social worker today about how he's feeling and what he feels he needs, if anything. So he went and wrote some things down and this morning he said wants to facetime his foster carer. I asked him if he wanted to do it regularly and he quite openly and honestly said he thinks he just wants to do it once. He is a smart boy and I know I need to be really careful not to expect too much of his understanding or to put too much on to him but I really felt I owed him an explanation and an apology. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do but I've been honest and told CAMHS that's what I've done and asked for advice.

You both sound wonderful, and a great team to work through this together. I'm glad you're getting help for both of you. I'm glad, also, you're adapting the routine to fit you.

Remember, you don't need to be perfect. Good enough is good enough, and all parents get snappy. I bet the FC wasn't perfect!

You can do this.

So, rather than add imense guilt to my stress we sat down and had a chat about how I'm learning to be a mum and I find it all hard as well.

That sounds perfect to be honest, when you adopt older kids I think that two way communication is massively important. You’ve been open and honest, modelled vulnerability, explained you’re doing something new too, and how hard you find it because it’s new. That tells him it’s ok for him to find it hard too and to say he finds it hard.

I’ve had to apologise to my kids more times than I’d like to count. It’s so important for them to know we get it wrong sometimes, that we have times we react badly and that relationships can be fixed. Not putting the onus on them, or asking them to carry responsibility that is too old for them but just open communication.

I’m not surprised he’s like a FaceTime with his foster carers, he needs to be able to say goodbye on his terms, check they’re ok and go with their blessing to his new family. If they refuse, there are other ways to get that closure but hopefully they’ll be able to put his needs first in this.

You’re doing really well. In a way it’s good that he’s grieving his fc so much. It shows he values relationships he has had. I can’t believe how much the foster care has let him down. So sad.

Little update....he had an online meeting with his SW yesterday and got some answers about contact with siblings however he still hasn't been told he won't be having on going contact with his birth mum. He's still to have his final contact with her and they haven't said when that will be. He's already planning seeing her next Christmas 🙄. He got an update about how his foster carer is and he said that has helped him. He told his SW that we think he's worried about her and he thinks that we might be right and that his constant talk about her is driving his mum (me) crazy. Maybe that's not the best result but I'm pleased he's now having more of an open dialogue about her. He was told our SW is coming to see us on Friday and will bring a card from her, for him. I wish they hadn't told him as that's now playing on his mind but I suppose at least he can prepare for it.
The CAMHS psychologist has been in touch and has said she'll have a chat today about strategies for us.
I'm feeling a lot more positive. Last night was a really good, calm evening and we all went to bed feeling more relaxed than we have in a long time.
I would have been lost without all the great advice and support from everyone here. Thank you. I'll keep you posted.

You will be pleased to know that you apologising, when you said but I really felt I owed him an explanation and an apology - is absolutely endorsed by psychologists! - this is from a clinical psychologist:

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/how-and-when-to-apologize-to-your-child

When you say your dc's constant talk about FC drives you crazy/is unbearable, do you mean in terms of your feelings you are hurt, or feel rejected, or feel triggered, or feel irritated, or angry?

And your dc - he is worried about her, and he misses her, I take it - has he said that he would prefer to go back or that she was better than you or anything along those lines? Or is it just the focus of his conversation? Is he agitated or sad or just talkative?

On a positive note, if he were finding the loss unbearable he probably wouldn't be talking about it, he would have closed down or be clinging to you for dear life, so him talking about it is probably positive in terms of the future?

Is it possible that he is talking about her as a way of letting you get to know him? Does he talk about other interests yet, and do you talk to him about things you are interested in? (Or do you not get a word in edgeways?!)

If you think about adults ending a relationship, even where it is the right thing to do it is often painful as people have to learn to live each hour, each day in a completely different context, so like learning anything new is difficult at the start as the brain sets up new pathways (apparently), and where you are processing loss that is even harder.

Just going back to your reply upthread I do know he draws connections between bio mums love and presents which causes huge emotional trauma when she lets him down by missing birthdays etc from how you describe the FC and the SW, and how they approach things generally, he might not have had the help he needed to understand and process this sort of thing, someone putting it in context for him, and helping him manage his expectations.

@sassygromit - 'do you mean in terms of your feelings you are hurt, or feel rejected, or feel triggered, or feel irritated, or angry?' - I don't really feel hurt or rejected. I know it's far too early for us to have any bond that's even close to theirs. It's mostly frustration and I'm aware it's partly from a very selfish place. The whole process has exhausted me and any support network or plans we had in place to manage our own resilience in the first few months went out the window when we went into lockdown. We're all exhausted and stuck together with no time for any of us to process anything.
Over the last week I had a good chat with our SW, had a day off while he was at school so my husband and I managed to talk and sort some boring stuff in the house to make daily life easier and we've also decided to create a bubble with my mum and dad to get some support. I discussed it with SW who agreed it would be a good idea. I feel like a weight has been lifted and a little bit like the real me.
LO has also had a letter from his old foster carer which didn't cover a lot of what CAMHS had requested. It was blunt and to the point about her role and that she missed him and was fine but would be getting ready for more children to look after. It wasn't ideal but it's something.

As if all that wasn't hard enough for us all to deal with he also now has contact with birth mum next week and honestly, I don't get it. We only found out yesterday and apparently it's part of the legal order until the adoption officially goes through. I just don't understand how he is to make sense of seeing her now and then after a court date he isn't allowed to see her anymore. Surely that's not normal? It seems really confusing for everybody.

It’s not uncommon where I am for there to be contact with birth mum after the child has been placed for adoption but before the adoption order is granted. Before adoption is finalised the child’s legal status is that of a looked after child, and the prospective adopters are effectively fostering until the adoption order is granted. Given the birth parent still has parental rights, contact is often continued with birth mum and/or wider family with final contact happening a few weeks before the adoption hearing.

It’s very hard because in any contact or formal meeting she’ll be referred to as “mum” and the adopter referred to as the “carer”, because legally that’s your status.

In saying that, all of this should have been discussed and agreed during the linking and matching process, certainly not dropped on you post placement. The practice here has been appalling all the way through from social work and I’d be looking at complaining once things settle. I’m assuming they’re going to support him through the contact?

@Crechendo in NI f2f contact is now pretty much the norm. Our good friends with an AC have regular contact with both BP’s which has worked out really well for them. I think especially with an older child hot having any contact at all going forward would be very traumatic.

Without wishing to hijack the thread

I adopted a child at nearly 8 years old. Unusually for England we agreed direct contact with a sibling and dad. We were left to get on with it. It was OK for the first year
It has caused both me and my son huge stress and anxiety. Dad was just not capable of maintaining his end of the bargain. I stopped trying to facilitate it five years ago.
Dad is not a threat, I am open. He has our address, emails, phone numbers. He chooses not to use them. This year my son had a Christmas present from his brother dad did did not even bother to put a card in.
My son will be 17 in a few months. These decisions are now up to him. On the outside he isnt bothered, but the constant rejections cut deep.
@Runner31, if you choose to go down a route of continued contact with the birth mum, both you and more importantly she, need support. And don't ever make promises to your boy about seeing her. Take it one meeting at a time.

Contact us hugely complex, and OP has said that social workers have advised no direct contact post adoption order. I don't think it's fair that on a thread where a new parent is struggling to be put under any pressure about contact from posters who don't know the situation. Ted I'm sorry contact has been so tricky for your son, and it shows why the issues are wider than just risks in terms of physical harm. Adoption involves loss, I don't think contact is a panacea cure for that loss.

OP, would you feel ok about sharing where you are in terms of which country? Because norms do vary. You're doing really well, with a shitty situation.

As if all that wasn't hard enough for us all to deal with he also now has contact with birth mum next week and honestly, I don't get it. We only found out yesterday and apparently it's part of the legal order until the adoption officially goes through. I just don't understand how he is to make sense of seeing her now and then after a court date he isn't allowed to see her anymore this isn't right - it is the court's decision, and your decision. It is standard practice but not normal and this is something which has been highlighted as needing review - because so many adult adoptees in this situation (ie older) have raised it as an issue. I had contact with bio family for all the years of the adoption other than 4 - which is a whole other thread. I am guessing your head is too full to have read the links I posted and Idon't blame you - there is a lot to take on board and you are exhausted. And it is a polarised subject (like name changes...) I cannot give advice here other than I symathise with your situation!
If i adopted I would move heaven and earth to ensure that contact happened but for me it is different as I have been through it and would know how to make it work. You would need to get to know the bio mother well yourself to make it work, and always be involved in contact.

My assumption also is that the SW has not advised against it, it is more that it wasn't even considered.

In relation to rules, I would say (with my parent hat on - I have boys ofa similar age) be flexible and get to know him - I find that rules change a lot depending on other circs and having dc who trust you and are willing to follow your guidance is the key thing - so that is connection and getting to know each other. Also that the rules depend so much on the child - so for example my dc are more responsible than I am with the biscuit/sweet cupboard and we don't have rules for them about that (I am prohibited from mindlessly muching biscuits however) but there are other things they aren't so good at and we have strict rules about those things. Water at bedtime - I would google expert advice about this sort of thing as actually experts advise do not limit water intake at all even if there is bedwetting! But I agree - a bottle every night might be excessive - he needs to think about whether he is thirsty.

As for being selfish, I understand, it is hard work, but honestly what you put in now you get back in bucketloads as time goes on. It is great you have your mum and dad now, and great you have all the support from camhs.

sorry about all the typos!

@Jellycatspyjamas Thank you. I really appreciate how clear your replies are. Am I right thinking you said you are a SW and a parent? I do feel like we have had some really important parts thrown at us without much thought from SW. There was absolutely no mention of any birth parent contact after our LO was placed. Right now we have our LO planning a lovely get together for his birth mum, siblings and us at our home and honestly, if it was appropriate that would not worry me. What worries me most isn't my lack of understanding but his. I have raised our concerns now so I guess we just keep walking through this minefield and holding on tightly to each other while we do.
@percypetulant thanks for your concern but I'm fairly thick skinned although I think @ted27 was just offering an example of a similar experience. All experiences are very much appreciated. I'll take what I can from each one knowing that everyone is unique and each family is different. But maybe a little piece of someone elses life will help me understand ours.
So next week we now have our first sibling contact, contact with birth mum and we have a CAMHS appointment. It's going to be interesting.

I'm very pleased that apologising to children is OK - I've always thought it sent a good message to my kid when I apologised to her and I'm glad that was right. I do remember when I was at primary school my headmistress apologising to me over something and I think that was a really positive thing to do for a kid. I remember it quite vividly and I'm 54.

@Runner31 I haven't adopted so wouldn't pretend I can offer any useful advice but so often on this board I read parents saying "I'm doing a terrible job" or "I don't feel I love my child yet" and yet when they describe their experiences the love and care shines through every word! Also, your LO sounds like a really loving and lovely boy, I'm sad that things have been tough for him.

Right now we have our LO planning a lovely get together for his birth mum, siblings and us at our home

Is contact happening at your home or does your son think that’s what’s going to happen? I’d honestly refuse point blank to host contact in your home or the birth mums home - at this stage it really needs to be in a neutral venue. Your home needs to be a safe place for your child emotionally and psychologically - it’s also why I’d never have professionals meeting in my home. He needs the security of knowing his home is for his family.

Our ds is 16 later this year and has always said he can’t wait til he sees his mum ahajn. We’ve always wrote to eachother but aren’t allowed direct contact. I have never allowed him to be on Facebook but I’ve noticed he has now taken it upon himself to sign up to it. I’m worried he’ll come across her even though we’ve always talked about it and he always said he understood the complexities of us just suddenly meeting her without social work being involved. I had to ask him to remove his location. Trouble is he has one of his sisters who he does see on there so I don’t know if she’s in contact with her or not. Things have suddenly become more complicated. I don’t know whether to loosen the reigns or not...

@Jellycatspyjamas Thank you. I really appreciate how clear your replies are. Am I right thinking you said you are a SW and a parent?

Thank you, that’s very kind of you. Yes I’m a social worker and adopted two older kids - which has definitely made me rethink some of the ways I work. I’m also a trauma therapist, which doesn’t always help in parenting my kids but it does help to at least know the lie of the land so to speak.

You’ve had a very hard time, and the social work practice in your case is hard to understand - you’re doing a great job picking your way through it.

@Jellycatspyjamas it's video contact which is better than in the house and will be supervised by his SW. We're not supposed to be involved but I actually hate that we do all his meetings with siblings, social work and now his mum through our laptops or phones. I feel it leads him to always wonder if we're talking to someone about him when most of the time i'm actually doing bills. I try my best to stay off my phone when he's here and I know a lot of it can't be helped because of COVID.
His plans for a get together come from him thinking he has ongoing contact with his birth mum. He talked about seeing her on his birthday in October and I gently suggested that that might not be possible. His reply was 'of course I'll see her, she's my mum, why wouldn't I? Mums see their sons on their birthdays'. At that point I decided I needed to keep away from that conversation so I wasn't the one telling him contact will be stopping. He talks very openly about having more than one mum and sounds accepting of the practical part of things. I really do worry about how he'll take that news at such a late stage.

@HPFA thank you. He really is a very kind and funny boy. The whole situation is rubbish but we know we're still very lucky to have him in our lives.

@Rosebud2005 that's a really difficult one. Could you help him with Facebook so you're searching together? I know it's not good and not what you think is best but it sounds like it's inevitable that he's going to search.