This is feeling like a disaster

[Runner31]

So, we're nearly 3 weeks in and our 7yr old LO is fab. He is doinf brilliantly although there are some minor challenges. This is the disaster part.....
The whole transition and move to us feels like a disaster and I just don't know if our expectations were too high.

I've posted before about his foster carer not wanting any contact at all. She also didnt give him a card or letter when he left and with her cutting the transition to 5 days he really does seem to have a lot of confusion about her and moving to us.
He alao hasn't been told anything about future contact with siblings or his birth mum. We had been told there would be no contact with two younger siblings but there would with older brother. There would also only be letter box contact with birth mum. He talks quite a bit about birth mum and seeing her again and is clueless that it won't be happening. His final contact with her was delayed but he thinks he will always have contact with. This isn't confusion, he hasn't been told. The words from the social worker were 'we'll wait to see if he asks us'.
We're feeling like we're a long term foster placement. He talks about staying with us but has no clue about the loss of his contact which makes me worry about the impact when he finds out. We don't want to be a part of telling him in case he blames us. We are ready, willing and able to support him with it but feel the decisions around contact should come from his social worker.
Is this all normal? Are we over reacting?
I feel like he has no room for me in his life right now. He still thinks his foster carer is going to be in touch any day now (which she isn't) and his birth family will all stay in touch, which they won't.

We plan to write a strongly worded email to his social worker today almost demanding she speak to him and let him know the situation. Are we over reacting?

At that point I decided I needed to keep away from that conversation so I wasn't the one telling him contact will be stopping* If you have decided that there won't be ongoing f2f contact, I do think you need to be the one who has this conversation. It is unlikely to be a one off conversation, it is likely to be ongoing, something that preys on his mind, and as he gets older both his perception and his questions will change. I think you need to be very clear in your own mind about why the contact isn't going to be ongoing so that you can support him through it through the various stages.

At that point I decided I needed to keep away from that conversation so I wasn't the one telling him contact will be stopping If you have decided that there won't be ongoing f2f contact, I do think you need to be the one who has this conversation. It is unlikely to be a one off conversation, it is likely to be ongoing, something that preys on his mind, and as he gets older both his perception and his questions will change. I think you need to be very clear in your own mind about why the contact isn't going to be ongoing so that you can support him through it through the various stages.

Things have suddenly become more complicated. I don’t know whether to loosen the reigns or not...

I would start having conversations with social work about supporting him contacting his mum, and I’d start talking to him about it too. What he hopes might happen if he contacts her, what it might be like for him if that does happen, it if she doesn’t want contact etc etc. I’d try to keep my own feelings out of it, let him talk through his hopes and fears. It’s much better for him to go into this with your love and your blessing than for him to think he needs to hide it - he needs to know you’ll be there for him regardless.

His reply was 'of course I'll see her, she's my mum, why wouldn't I? Mums see their sons on their birthdays'

What was the plan for contact when your were planning the move, was it explicitly discussed? I’d go back to social work and ask them to be clear with you about what their expectation are for ongoing contact and be clear about your expectations too - once you’ve had that discussion there’s a need for you to talk to him about the decisions that have been made, either you talking to him with some support or social work having that discussion. What do you say when he asks why his mum wouldn’t see him on his birthday, what’s his understanding of adoption?

What a bloody mess you’ve been left with.

@Rosebud2005 has he had some really good life story work? If not, could you arrange this now?

He’s never had life story work. I chased it up when he came here and was time by his sew because he’s 7 he understands what’s been going on in his life. I mean he was 7 so I don’t know what they expected of him. So no we never ever got it done. It took him a long time to understand his half sisters, they had a different name to his mum and him yet they all had the same mum, different dad. Etc. We got there in the end. He sees a lot of them even though they’re far away. We try and see them as much as we can. They have a great relationship. I’ve always made it clear we will support him in whatever he decides to do come the time, that we hope things will he as he would like but that there’s always the chance it may not. They just might not be ready to see eachother yet even though letters are being sent. Things weren’t great back then. She wasn’t a ‘bad’ person but she did have her problems and I don’t know really how well she had overcome them. We’re told she’s working, keeping herself busy but don’t go into detail with anyone about her. The funny thing has always been that write the letters. Sw suggested he writes them as he’s getting older but he refuses to. Why? If he’s so keen to see her why can’t he write? I don’t really get that one. Either way whatever happens we’re not going anywhere. Husband doesn’t seem to get as involved with the ‘emotional’ side of things for him, or his feelings, talking to him, it’s all me.

Sw suggested he writes them as he’s getting older but he refuses to. Why? If he’s so keen to see her why can’t he write? I don’t really get that one.

He may have a vision in his head of what meeting his birth mum will be like, he may not have any idea what to write to her (when you’re there physically conversation is much easier), he may not want you to see what he says to her, he may not feel confident in his writing skills, he may have particular questions he wants answered that would be difficult in writing - there are lots of reasons it may be hard for him to write while holding the idea of meeting in mind.

I’d go back to sw and ask for life story work - life story isn’t a “one and done” type thing, it needs revisiting across the life course as things come up and as children’s understanding of their adoption changes. If not life story work then counselling/therapy where he can start to explore his thoughts and feelings with someone impartial.

You have a good sense he’s going to look for her, assuming he hasn’t already, so putting supports in place to help him with the consequences of that choice is important. He can’t navigate those waters on his own, and realistically there are limits to what you can carry as his mum.

I agree with what jellycat has said, a good therapist will be really adept at at picking up on what needs to be talked about and how which will really help him understand the various possible outcomes here, which will help him then make choices and cope with whatever happens better.

Thanks @Jellycatspyjamas and @sassygromit. The contact that has been arranged for this week has really floored us. We were told he would have his final contact with birth mum and we would meet her before he was placed with us. Obviously none of that has happened and now we are being told that he will have contact with birth mum until the adoption order is granted. She isn't contesting the adoption. We have a meeting with CAMHS today (who are supporting us until March) and speaking to his social worker to go over what he has been told about birth mums contact and his confusion over it. We try to arrange these calls for when he's out of the house so we cant talk without worrying about him hearing.
His sibling contact yesterday went really well but has thrown up more questions which we will work through. It was very clear how important one of his sibling relationships in particular is and we will do everything we can to make sure contact with all of them continues.
Any advice for what to expect after tomorrows birth mum contact would be much appreciated. I'm thinking there will be some rejection of us, lots of his anxiety behaviours and a fair bit of anger and confusion.

Depending on how previous contact has gone, he may be ok because he’s used to seeing her for contact, given he doesn’t know that it’s expected to end. Of course he’s in a new home etc which might mean he feels differently and you might see rejection and aggression. I’d keep expectations very low for the next few days, keep him close to home and lots of easy interactions.

I don’t have any experience of adoption or fostering but read your post and wanted to reply, you sound amazing, honestly amazing!

I’m sure you’ll work your way through it all and give him the best life.

Don’t be so hard on yourself x

A lot of this depends on him, how he deals with things and how well he talks about things, how previous contact has gone, and her - how predictable she is, etc. So lots of unknowns. You have been thrown in at the deep end. It is very difficult to give advice on this in a vacuum as how he is and how he reacts and so on will affect how you play it so these are just ideas

Is there a chance she won't make the date? If so, to prepare him you could say that you think it is going ahead, you are not certain, that the weather might cause a problem or other reasons why it might not happen, say that if it doesn't go ahead you will re arrange etc - so that he is prepared for it maybe not going ahead. Depending on how he reacts, he might need more talking about things sometimes being unpredictable, some people being more predictable than others, etc.

Hopefully he has been talking about it to you ahead of time - the more he talks about how he feels the better for him and the better you know how he is feeling, which helps you help him.

I am assuming that if it goes ahead, you will be present the whole time, so you will start getting to know her a bit, which will be good and useful.

Afterwards let him feel and act out, and don't take anything personally, and try to connect and absorb some of how he is feeling.

If he appears unaffected, completely fine, not unhappy, as though it is no big deal, it might well be that as soon as there is even the smallest amount of stress - knocking something, a problem at school, struggling to do something - it all comes out at that point. I think it is important to comminicate to him that what he is going through is hard, not his fault, and that you will do your best to make it as ok for him as possible.

It might be that going out for the day somewhere afterwards, if you have a beach or forest or something a covid-permitted drive away, not too many people, a bite to eat - a change of scene and walk in fresh air can help sometimes, if he would feel safe doing that with you. It might help him open up about things on his mind.

I hope it goes well.

I am assuming that if it goes ahead, you will be present the whole time, so you will start getting to know her a bit, which will be good and useful.

I’d be very surprised if the OP was present, post placement contact is often sw led if adoption is on the cards, to keep the anonymity of the adoptive parents. I think the OP said it was going to be on zoom though so she could be around potentially in the background.

OP, how did it go?

I’d be very surprised if the OP was present, post placement contact is often sw led if adoption is on the cards, to keep the anonymity of the adoptive parents as you say it is zoom which is why I assumed OP would be there - but generally, judging by the UEA research, where the parent is present will depend on whether there will be ongoing f2fcontact - and judging by the UEA research, whether ongoing f2f contact is sw led or parent led depends too.

*whether not where

Incidentally, I know (via another friend) of a group of adopters who adopted older children in sort of similar circumstances, where they knew the child already, who maintain f2fcontact, and lead the contact in the UK.

It does depend, but given the OP has said the plan was for final contact to take at some point, the contact would usually be sw led unless the plan for lost adoption contact changes.

Well, we all survived. All sibling contact, card from foster carer and contact with birth mum all in the space of one week. A lot of things have been cleared up. SW are going to speak to him about future contact with mum, we have been able to begin to begin to organise regular sibling contact and have open chats about what the future will look like for him and his siblings. Today he has been the most relaxed I have seen him. His shoulders look lower, his smile doesn't hold the same fear and for the first time he started to take pride in himself. The regression in play has continued but if that's what he has to do then that's fine.
Maybe this is a second honeymoon and it all goes downhill again but in the meantime as a couple we have learned how best to weather it. What out strengths are and when we both need time out. Although I think I scared my SW at one point I explained to her I would be open and honest about how I'm feeling so we didn't keep things bottled up.

Tonight we all go to sleep smiling. Granny and Granda have been allowed into a support bubble which I know some people will disagree with so soon into the placement but for us to be able to parent as best we can, we need their support. Covid made this harder and we've all had to adjust to a weird new life together. Today, that life was awesome.

@Runner31

well done, glad to hear it feels more settled. Absolutely the right decision with the grandparents.

Onwards and upwards from now, with maybe a few diversions on the way.

Although I think I scared my SW at one point I explained to her I would be open and honest about how I'm feeling so we didn't keep things bottled up.

That’s fantastic - I’m glad they’re taking you seriously and are working with you, and that you’re seeing a more relaxed child as a result.

Just to say you’re absolutely right to be open and honest about your feelings - no one can help if they don’t know how hard it is for you. All too often adopters talk about the impact of x, y and z on their child and assume sw will pick up on how stressed they are but if you sound and look like you’re coping sw will assume that you are. It’s essential that you’re able to recognise your own limits and articulate how you’re feeling and the help you need - if more adopters could do this I think there would be fewer disruptions because all too often sw don’t know about problems until adopters are on their very last legs, and it’s hard to come back from there.

I had twice weekly, then weekly contact with sw for a good 8 weeks or so post placement, some of which were very tearful. But I got support during that contact and found my feet. You’re important in this process and need to consider your own support needs separate to and with as much priority as you give your child’s support needs.

Well done, I hope this is the start of some easier days for you all.

Oh Runner Im so glad for you! That support from Grandparents is a really good thing for all of you, itl be so good for you all 100%. So glad and enjoy the rest of the weekend! :)

If the adoption has been finalised any post adoption can ntact is your decision.

You should have been given the opportunity to meet the birth family.

Is there a contact agreement signed by the birth mother?

Your child has a right time independent legal advice and representation regarding adoption and contact: you can apply on his behalf. In fact, the LA have a duty to pay for it. His siblings also have this right.

You can request a copy of the care and adoption files under the disclosure of adoption information regulations (2005). Depending on which LA younadopted from you will need to contact the regional adoption agency to make this request. They have a legal duty to offer and provide independent counselling to all involved. This is triggered by the application.

I hope that helps.

Hi,
Thanks, it's all very new so we're a while away from the adoption being finalised. We've had most of the confusion from our LO not being prepared for the adoption by SW, that was all done by the FC, and his confusion of what the future is for him and his birth family. He has had 1 hour of life story work since at least last July. Nothing is written down about who he is to see and when except for contact with birth mum which is by letterbox but that is after the adoption order. He now has an advocate through WhoCares? Scotland who he really likes and she's helping him a lot. We've recently found out he has an amazing relationship with his younger sister and a strong but complicated one with his older brother so WhoCares? and our solicitor are making sure our LA adhere to new legislation supporting sibling contact for children who are adopted. The struggles are continuing and I have become very good at biting my tongue although there have been times when I haven't managed that at all and the new protective mum bear comes out but for now we're getting there.

@Runner31

all you can do is keep chipping away at it, which you are,
well done for sticking with it mama bear

you know you are an awsome mum don’t you