Explaining gender preferences?

percypetulant · 21/12/2020 12:05

Maybe if you explain why you want a girl here, we can help?

I didn't have a preference over the sex of my child, and can't think of a reason for a preference, so I did one would need further guidance to help? Why do you feel only able to meet the needs of a female child?

Hels20 · 21/12/2020 13:07

I think we said that we were indifferent to sex at panel but when we were looking to be matched we said we had a preference for a boy...

ASandwichNamedKevin · 21/12/2020 13:33

When you say continually explain your gender preferences OP have you told the Social Worker your reasons and have to keep explaining, or do you not have a tangible reason so they keep asking.

I think people expressing a gender preference with no rationale comes across as perhaps having stereotypical views of what boys or girls should be. This is whether they are adoptive or bio parents.
Whereas if you have an existing child and the preference is somehow related to that (not oh I'd love one of each but maybe to avoid some comparisons or for practical reasond, or there is an illness that affects one sex, I know people whose son had muscular dystrophy) that is diferent.

byecorona2020 · 21/12/2020 13:39

I maybe preferred a girl, my DH preferred a boy, but we both would have been happy with either as that's what would have happened if I had got pregnant, which is what we said, no preference. We got a boy, and I love him dearly.

I guess as other posters have asked, why do you want a girl over a boy?

donquixotedelamancha · 21/12/2020 14:16

It would be unusual to have a strong enough preference to only be approved at panel for one sex. I think it would be normal for the SW to want to explore and challenge that, but not to disagree per se.

Without understanding the reasons for your preference and what you've discussed with the SW I think it's hard to comment.

Hotwaterbottlelove · 21/12/2020 16:03

Have you asked SW to clarify what the panel would consider to be a 'good enough' reason?

TheFootIsDown · 21/12/2020 18:48

We are a bit surprised with this considering it's quite common for parents in general to have a preference even when having a biological child, when discussing with her our preference (girl) she always seems to get annoyed with us and develops a tone as if we are wrong for having one.

How strongly do you feel? I agree many people have a preference but most people don't mind once the baby comes along. Are you actually saying you only want to be approved for a girl? If so, I can understand the SW concerns around panel.

Ted27 · 21/12/2020 20:00

By preference do you mean you only want to consider girls and you don’t want to look at boys at all?

Yes if you were having a biological child you might have a preference but you get what pops out and crack on with it.

The thing is any criteria will limit you, the more specific you are, the longer you will wait.
Why don’t you keep an open mind ?

user1479136681 · 21/12/2020 20:13

We didn't have a preference but we did say we imagined/saw ourselves more with a boy, probably because we both have brothers and have grown up around boys. In the end we saw several of each.

comehomemax · 21/12/2020 23:01

As Ted says, having a preference will limit you at matching & your social worker may be digging for this reason - ultimately the agency will want to take families to panel who have a realistic chance of being matched with a child.

If they aren't clear on why you have a specific preference for one sex over the other, it will be something they will want to get under the skin of. It may be, for example, they are concerend that you have a perception of a child's personality that isn't realistic but based on stereotypes. So the issue may actually be whether they think you are able to adapt to a child that doesn't in any way behave in a pre perceived way and if that is related to not letting go of dreams you may have/had around a birth child.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/12/2020 11:38

As others have said, birth parents may have a preference for one or the other, but they don’t get a choice - they parent the child they get. You might express a preference (as in the previous posters case) but a lack of openness to considering a boy would be a concern at approval.

I’d be concerned about gender stereotypes, I’d also be concerned that you might have different expectations for girls that might cause problems if the girl didn’t or couldn’t live up to.

Adoption is about finding families for children, not finding children for parents, if you have an idealised view of how it would be to parent a girl (or a boy), eg a preconceived idea of a mother/daughter relationship I’d be concerned. There’s also a danger of thinking in adoption you can effectively “shop” for the child you want. In your shoes I’d really dig into your preference and the reasons for that, and whether that means you’d be closed off to considering a boy if all other matching considerations were in place. You’re highly unlikely to have gender specified in your approval and would be expected to be open to both.

We went into adoption hoping for one of each, and that’s what we ended up with more by luck than by design because all the profiles of children available were boy/girl sibling pairs. We’d have happily had two of one gender if that was the best match for us.

Original poster

cherrypie111 · 22/12/2020 13:14

@ASandwichNamedKevin

When you say continually explain your gender preferences OP have you told the Social Worker your reasons and have to keep explaining, or do you not have a tangible reason so they keep asking.

I think people expressing a gender preference with no rationale comes across as perhaps having stereotypical views of what boys or girls should be. This is whether they are adoptive or bio parents.
Whereas if you have an existing child and the preference is somehow related to that (not oh I'd love one of each but maybe to avoid some comparisons or for practical reasond, or there is an illness that affects one sex, I know people whose son had muscular dystrophy) that is diferent.

I think the issue is we don't have 'a reason' we just always have wanted a girl. Which doesn't help but most parents don't have a reason for hoping for one or the other just a genuine preference so not sure why it's such a big issue.

OP posts:

Original poster

cherrypie111 · 22/12/2020 13:15

@TheFootIsDown

We are a bit surprised with this considering it's quite common for parents in general to have a preference even when having a biological child, when discussing with her our preference (girl) she always seems to get annoyed with us and develops a tone as if we are wrong for having one.

How strongly do you feel? I agree many people have a preference but most people don't mind once the baby comes along. Are you actually saying you only want to be approved for a girl? If so, I can understand the SW concerns around panel.

Very strongly, but then again we were the same when considering our options and explored gender selective IVF. If you have the ability to choose why not is my side of this coin.

OP posts:

Original poster

cherrypie111 · 22/12/2020 13:17

@Ted27

By preference do you mean you only want to consider girls and you don’t want to look at boys at all?

Yes if you were having a biological child you might have a preference but you get what pops out and crack on with it.

The thing is any criteria will limit you, the more specific you are, the longer you will wait.
Why don’t you keep an open mind ?

Yes, we wouldn't consider a boy at all.

When deciding between our two options they were gender selective IVF or adoption: if we have the chance to choose why wouldn't we is my view on it.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/12/2020 13:45

Which doesn't help but most parents don't have a reason for hoping for one or the other just a genuine preference so not sure why it's such a big issue.

Most parents may not have a reason, but they accept the gender of child they get. You may have choices at matching, or you may find a real dearth of girls that meet your matching criteria meaning you wait a long time - adoption services want people who are likely to be matched. The other issue is the rigid nature of your feelings on this, adoption more than anything requires a huge level of flexibility from parents and I’d be worried about what else you might have very rigid views on. I can’t see a panel arriving you on the basis that you’ll only consider a girl.

Others have explained why it’s a big issue, you’re not placing an order for a child to specification here - what would happen if you went for gender selective fertility treatment and somehow ended up with a boy?

Fakinit03 · 22/12/2020 13:55

Have you spent much time around children both boys and girls? Genitalia has very little to do with personality in my experience, I know little boys mine included who are very sensitive and compassionate love cuddles play with dolls and fav colour is pink, equally I know girls who are hard as nails, can throw a hard punch in a tantrum and spend all their time in mud playing superheroes. You cannot prejudge anyone based on their genitalia.
That's without getting into whether they actually identity with the gender they are assigned at birth. What if you were matched with a girl who was actually very 'tomboy' for want of a better phrase or who actually wanted to be known as a boy? I don't really see how you can have such a strong stand on boy or girl without having a reason?

SimonJT · 22/12/2020 14:47

Yes, we wouldn't consider a boy at all.

Why, if you are unable to justify this you may face hurdles ahead.

Where do you live? Gender selection in IVF is illegal in the UK unless for genuine medical need.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/12/2020 16:13

Very strongly, but then again we were the same when considering our options and explored gender selective IVF. If you have the ability to choose why not is my side of this coin......Yes, we wouldn't consider a boy at all. When deciding between our two options they were gender selective IVF or adoption: if we have the chance to choose why wouldn't we is my view on it.

We come to MN, OP. If you are for real, I'm not really surprised they 'develop a tone' at the mention of unlawful IVF procedures. Presumably you had considered popping to Cyprus but this was cheaper?

This would certainly affect both panel and matching if you don't deal with it. Adoption is not about your preferences at all. It is about finding the right parents for a child.

Were on a matching panel I would really worry about letting someone with such entrenched views, that they can't articulate the reasons for, raise an adopted child.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/12/2020 16:13

Have you spent much time around children both boys and girls? Genitalia has very little to do with personality in my experience

Or in scientific studies either.

Yolande7 · 22/12/2020 16:34

I agree with the others that I find it very concerning that you would only consider girls without being able to clarify why. I know many adopters who had a preference (me included) but they could articulate why and were open to adopting the other gender too. There is a huge difference between having a mild preference and to actually refuse to consider the other gender. What is it that puts you off boys so much that you would research illegal practices?

LocalHobo · 22/12/2020 16:41

It may be, for example, they are concerend that you have a perception of a child's personality that isn't realistic but based on stereotypes
And this is quite worrisome.

purplejungle · 22/12/2020 17:26

I think SWs/ panel will be concerned that you have a set idea of what you want your child to be like. If so that would be a problem given that there are typically many, many more uncertainties for adopted children than for a biological child.

percypetulant · 22/12/2020 18:03

Wow. Why not choose eye colour etc while you're at it?

Maybe the fact that everyone "develops a tone" when you say your preference tells you something?

percypetulant · 22/12/2020 18:24

I'm the first to joke that Children Who Wait is like an Argos catalogue. But that is a joke, and is mildly amusing because it's so obviously far from the truth. Saying "we feel we'd be better parents for a girl because my partner was abused by their brother, and while they've dealt with that, we feel our risk of disruption would be less with a girl, rather than when a teenage boy shows violence and aggression"- not everyone would agree with that reasoning, but it's logical. "Just because" isn't a reason.

You know the point of adoption is to find families for children, not the other way round?

Brunt0n · 22/12/2020 19:54

Yeah.. I hope you wouldn’t be approved for adoption expressing opinions like this. You know you’re not buying a doll right?