Explaining gender preferences?

[cherrypie111]

Hi everyone and I hope you're all well in the lead up to Christmas!

I am getting in a bit of a pickle around having to continually explain our gender preferences with our SW, she has also said we need to be aware panel will dig into it as well and if we don't have a 'good enough' reason for it, they might find it to be a problem!

We are a bit surprised with this considering it's quite common for parents in general to have a preference even when having a biological child, when discussing with her our preference (girl) she always seems to get annoyed with us and develops a tone as if we are wrong for having one.

Has anyone else had their gender preferences almost argued with? And has anyone also had it be a big issue when coming to panel?

@Brunt0n I think its necessarily harsh

@cherrypie111 if you pursue adoption and want a girl so much, its highly likely that you would end up with a girl
When I was going throught the process I really thought I had no preference with regard to the sex of my future child. When it came to looking at profiles however, I really struggled with the girls, I adopted a boy and it was right for me.
I’ve been on adoption boards for about 14 years, I don’t think I’ve ever come across a prospective adopter quite so adament about the sex of a child, without being able to articulate a sound reason.
For example a single adopter may feel that for practical reasons a child of the same sex would be a better fit or a family with existing children may feel a child of a particular sex would balance the family in some way.
A good adoption assessment should involve some challenge to you. I’m sure most adopters have some image in their head about their child, I did. He looks nothing like the child I imagined, but he is very much the character I dreamed about.
Yes, adoption is about finding families for children but it is also about our dreams of parenthood. I think the reality of parenthood, however it is achieved, is rarely what we imagine it to be. This is more so with adoption.

Posters here are concerned that rigidity of thought around this may be a sign of inflexibity in other area of life. And if there is one thing you need in adoption, its flexibility.
It might help you to really reflect on this and challenge yourself a bit.

that of course should have read unnecessarily harsh

Girls are more popular than boys, and there are more boys available for adoption overall as a result. She might just be tired of the girl preference and all the boys waiting for their forever homes. But it’s unlikely I deal breaker for you.

What are your feelings on adopting or having a little girl that turned out to be a tom boy? Hates pink, loves football, won't have a doll or dress near her? Would you be disappointed in them if that happened? Is this something you've considered OP?

I haven’t adopted myself but my goddaughters are adopted so I hope you don’t think I’m speaking out of turn. Your comparison to biological parents doesn’t really equate as yes people do have a preference, but if they get the opposite then they don’t then say I don’t want to parent this child as it’s a boy/girl.

Adopted children often come with issues that don’t become apparent until later years as has been the case with my goddaughters. It has been a tough few years for their family and they didn’t have an idealised version of having a daughter/daughters in their head. That would be too much pressure to put on any adopted child. I can see why social services are concerned with your preference.

@cherrypie111 can you try to explain why you wouldn't want to parent a boy? Because people here with boys would be able to comment and hopefully help you reconsider. Boys are also fantastic to parent too. Most parents of bio children in my experience did not have a preference, by the way.

@percypetulant I think your joke about children waiting being like an Argos catalogue is not at all funny. Possibly if you had spent time in a care home without parents to look after you you might have more insight.

@swearsby2

No the Argos joke isnt funny but I exactly understand the point @percypetulant was making

As a prospective adopters you are asked to have matching ‘criteria’, you view profiles of children with nice pretty pictures.

Its the most hideous part of the adoption process because you do end up feeling like you are child shopping.

I understand that ted27

OP don't be put off from coming back, it is worth saying why you wouldn't parent a boy just to see if other posters experiences with boys might help.

Possibly if you had spent time in a care home without parents to look after you you might have more insight.

As someone who was abandoned by my B.P.s I describe activity days as baby markets and the matching criteria as like a takeaway menu.

That's not a lack of empathy for kids in the same position I once was, it's using dark humour to process something which is, at once, hugely impactful and banal.

There are always more boys than girls waiting to be adopted and boys on average wait longer, which leads me to believe that the op's stance, while not being very popular here, may not be uncommon. I think what may be different is that prospective adopters probably more often go through approval saying that they don't mind but then favour girls, whether consciously or unconsciously, when it comes to matching. I'm not saying everyone does, but enough do to result in there always being more boys waiting.

Adopters who say they are only prepared to take a baby or a child with no health problems are also encouraged to open their minds to the many different children out there. Those who say they only want school age or would like to support a child who has a particular need are encouraged in their choices because they have narrowed their options to a group that is, for want of a better expression, less in demand. I wonder if the op would be getting such a hard time if she said she'd only want to adopt a boy.

As others have mentioned, reading between the lines, it does suggest that there may be unrealistic expectations on the child and how she behaves, etc. OP, you do say you don't have a reason as such but it must be based on something. I wouldn't blame you for not returning to the thread, but I do think you need to start being more open in discussing this with your SW to get to root of this.

Meh, humour is subjective (I appear to post that a lot!) And I use dark humour to get through difficult times. Family finding is uncomfortable because it is like the Argos catalogue (although, as my point was here, in many ways not at all like that).

I use humour to manage and get through dark things, and that's ok. Humour is subjective, you don't have to find it funny. It doesn't mean I lack empathy.

I can give insightful reasons behind my poor humour, and opinions, and choices, though. I think the lack of insightful reasons etc from the OP is what's concerning.

I am with PPs in questioning your assumptions about the difference in parenting boys vs girls. Individual personality outweighs any broad tendencies, and 'shopping' for preferences is a red flag - no child will ever match up. Being able to love and value your child whatever their quirks is essential.

You were in care for a period of time waiting to be adopted, don?

I am sorry but there is nothing funny about the Argos catalogue comparison. Feel free to use dark humour in private Percy but don't expect everyone to be giggling along with you here. You don't come across as insightful or empathetic.

That's ok, I don't need your assessment of me, I know I am insightful and empathetic. The way I wrote here, I think it's clear I didn't expect anyone to be "giggling along", that wasn't the point I was making. I'm sorry you're offended. Humour often treads that line. Shrug.

@swearsby2

no one is 'giggling' along with @percypetulant. As adopters we do however, understand exactly the point she is making

Its unfortunate that you feel offended, but I do feek its you who is missing the point here

I think that's a chat for another time swears. OP probably isn't coming back but I'll still avoid derailing too much. One last go at the subject at hand:

@cherrypie111

This thread has been very harsh by the standards of this board's supportive nature. I'll hold my hand up and say my post is guilty of that because I assumed you were one of the occasional trolls we get. Since MNHQ haven't pulled it, I'll operate on the opposite assumption now.

You've had a unanimous and insightful explanation of why going for approval only for one sex is a bad idea. I think (and I suspect you now realise) that even if the panel agrees it's still storing trouble for matching.

The way to deal with this is examine your motivation and really unpick why your preference is so strong. You can (and must) do that with your SW but you should consider doing it here.

The blunt replies may be daunting but no-one knows you here. Your mistakes or others judgements mean nothing. I can say with some certainty that there is nowhere on the web where you will get better expertise. If you are worried the SW is resistant to you, people here can help.

Either way, I hope it all goes well for you.

@Jellycatspyjamas

Which doesn't help but most parents don't have a reason for hoping for one or the other just a genuine preference so not sure why it's such a big issue.

Most parents may not have a reason, but they accept the gender of child they get. You may have choices at matching, or you may find a real dearth of girls that meet your matching criteria meaning you wait a long time - adoption services want people who are likely to be matched. The other issue is the rigid nature of your feelings on this, adoption more than anything requires a huge level of flexibility from parents and I’d be worried about what else you might have very rigid views on. I can’t see a panel arriving you on the basis that you’ll only consider a girl.

Others have explained why it’s a big issue, you’re not placing an order for a child to specification here - what would happen if you went for gender selective fertility treatment and somehow ended up with a boy?

Considering the process of gender selective IVF is to specifically choose the gender you wouldn't end up with the 'wrong' one. If so that would be a litigation nightmare as a process of selecting the chromosomes went wrong and therefore if that were to happen I would go through the civil process. However due to COVID we have been secure in our choice to go down the adoption route, it was always the first choice but COVID made it the only one considering.

If we have to wait for the right child we will wait, that's always been our stance and we understand our tight matching criteria might mean we take longer to match. Doesn't mean we will compromise on one of our dealbreakers. Thankfully we have been in touch with our adoption 'buddies' set up through the LA and a few of them had put for only boys and were approved so doesn't seem to be the biggest issue which has alleviated some of our concerns.

@Fakinit03

Have you spent much time around children both boys and girls? Genitalia has very little to do with personality in my experience, I know little boys mine included who are very sensitive and compassionate love cuddles play with dolls and fav colour is pink, equally I know girls who are hard as nails, can throw a hard punch in a tantrum and spend all their time in mud playing superheroes. You cannot prejudge anyone based on their genitalia. That's without getting into whether they actually identity with the gender they are assigned at birth. What if you were matched with a girl who was actually very 'tomboy' for want of a better phrase or who actually wanted to be known as a boy? I don't really see how you can have such a strong stand on boy or girl without having a reason?

No, never been round any children at all...

Of course we have, my family is predominantly girls as is my husbands so I guess it's just what we are used to

@SimonJT

Yes, we wouldn't consider a boy at all.

Why, if you are unable to justify this you may face hurdles ahead.

Where do you live? Gender selection in IVF is illegal in the UK unless for genuine medical need.

We live in England but would have travelled to the US if we did decide on the ivf.

And thankfully we have had some chats with our adoption 'buddies' set up through the LA and quite a few had preferences for just boys and were approved through panel which has settled me a bit more.

@donquixotedelamancha

Very strongly, but then again we were the same when considering our options and explored gender selective IVF. If you have the ability to choose why not is my side of this coin......Yes, we wouldn't consider a boy at all. When deciding between our two options they were gender selective IVF or adoption: if we have the chance to choose why wouldn't we is my view on it.

We come to MN, OP. If you are for real, I'm not really surprised they 'develop a tone' at the mention of unlawful IVF procedures. Presumably you had considered popping to Cyprus but this was cheaper?

This would certainly affect both panel and matching if you don't deal with it. Adoption is not about your preferences at all. It is about finding the right parents for a child.

Were on a matching panel I would really worry about letting someone with such entrenched views, that they can't articulate the reasons for, raise an adopted child.

Nope the US was our IVF location if it had been our top choice.

Thankfully we have had some calls with our adoption 'buddies' set up through our SW and a few had strong preference for boys and were approved so am a bit more settled.

If you have a choice why not choose what you prefer is my view, if it means we take longer to match then so be it. I treat it no different to saying no to FASD or DS

I treat it no different to saying no to FASD or DS

It is completely different to those things, the only difference between a son and a daughter is slightly different clean up when changing nappies and one can pee standing up.

Where as DS etc had a profound impact on the family and isn’t a need every family would be able to meet, it isn’t at all comparable to being the ‘wrong’ gender.

If you would start litigation if you gave birth to a son I wonder if you actually want to be a parent, or if you just want an accessory.

percy and ted27 I am not missing the point here at all. Percy's point could have been made without the "humour"

percy a part of humour is knowing your audience, and if you are empathetic you will know the audience here is wide, and logically a percentage of people who read your "subjective" humour will be offended. I hope that you care about that. I know people who were raped for years in care, and so yes, you jollying along with your argos catalogue is pretty damn offensive. Your posts do not always reflect the positive qualities you say you have. Unless you tend to decide who is worthy of your empathy and who is not? Because that if so that in itself would be slightly worrying. I would try to make all your posts kind and leave the humour to people who can judge the audience. Good luck to you.

OP other than the fact that you are used to girls, are there any other reasons why you would not want to parent boys? If you could try to explain the specific areas you would see problematic it might be more helpful. You will need to help your dc navigate friendships with boys and girls and if you have very stereotypical ideas about boys, you will struggle with that.

You’re very repetitive OP, maybe that’s part of the problem, that the conversation never really develops.

I am not surprised at your SW's reaction. I hope the panel do 'dig into it'. Your have no reasons yet you have 'strong' feelings. I'm not surprised this is setting off alarm bells.
Does your partner feel as strongly or is this you driving this?
I don't know anyone who had 'strong' feelings either way. They had hopes but were happy with either. Perhaps you need to explore this with a professional? I would say your feelings are outside the norm.