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Adoption

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Original poster

Foster Parents Stop Introductions

72 replies

Faith20 · 12/11/2020 09:51

Hi All,
We are due to start introductions in a week's time. It has been an uphill journey to get this far! Taking over a year to reach this stage, due to new psychological assessments of birth mum, court delays etc.

Three weeks ago after our transition planning meeting, foster mum phoned me to say she doesn't agree with the child being adopted. She threatened to come forward to adopt the child and described how we would be ripping them from their family.

We were extremely shocked as we knew none of this! We sought advice and were reassured that we were matched and the decision was made.

Last week , on the day our child was to be told they were moving to us, they halted the process by stating they wanted to put themselves forward as adopters! We were then told there was to be a professional meeting but introductions were pulled and they were going to be assessed as adoptive parents of the child. For 4 nights we didn't sleep, barely ate and were totally bereft. On the Monday we were told they changed their minds!!!!!

We were elated but feel emotionally and physically drained. We no longer feel any enthusiasm for the adoption and are dreading the introductions. She won't be allowed to contact us again but this child has been in their home for 3 years. We know they need the foster carer's permission to move on and fear the consequences if this does not happen.

Any advice would be welcome?

OP posts:

Ted27 · 20/11/2020 19:42

@Faith20
sorry hit the wrong key there

there will be some current fad or popular toy, think about the TV programmes they are likely to be watching - you probably won’t go far wrong.
Its possible that the FCs are planning on getting the list so it comes from them not you.
It is an appaling situation - I hope there will some disciplinary action after this

ifchocolatewerecelery · 20/11/2020 19:45

@Faith20 as far as Christmas presents go, it's surprising how quickly you can work out what a child likes based on their tv preferences. Consider having a prime account with parcels being delivered to a trusted neighbour/friend if all else fails.

BlueThistles · 20/11/2020 19:48

It's ok for adopters and fc to be in touch in the period between panel and transition. It's usually really helpful to find out routines etc!

of course... but isn't this narrative managed by SS.. for the very reasons experienced by OP... such a shame such a beautiful gift has been blighted by such anxieties ... Its all so difficult 🌺

Original poster

Faith20 · 20/11/2020 20:40

Thank you all so much for your support and suggestions!

We are hitting the toy shop tomorrow before it closes. It will make me feel better to be half organised. We can then add to it when they move in and we get to know them!

It’s just Covid and shops shutting that is making the whole situation more scary than it should be. I’m a really organised person usually but needs
must.

OP posts:

Thepinklady77 · 20/11/2020 21:39

Hi faith20, I could be wrong but are you in Northern Ireland? If so please feel free to pm me. I am happy to connect with you as a local adopter with quite a bit of experience here. Apologies if I have reached the wrong conclusions from your last comment.

AngelDelightUK · 01/12/2020 20:17

How’s it all going OP? Have you been able to move forward?

Niffler75 · 01/12/2020 21:25

Yes, thinking about you @Faith20. 💐

Original poster

Faith20 · 02/12/2020 19:46

Hi all,
Our child moved to us on Monday. We were literally in and out of the house in ten minutes. The foster carers were roaring their eyes out which of course terrified our child. They had been told all of our child’s possessions had to be moved before Monday. Of course they wouldn’t listen and our child had to watch the contents of their life being squashed into our car!! They then became extremely distressed and had to be physically put into the car! It was horrendous and we are terrified this traumatic experience will have long term implications.

OP posts:

DrInes · 02/12/2020 19:59

@faith20 this has been so difficult for you all. Thinking of you and hoping you can now start to relax into being mum x

Ted27 · 02/12/2020 20:26

@Faith20
How traumatic, poor wee thing. Its going to be a difficult time for you all over the next few weeks. I hope the SWs are putting support in place right away for you.
Take care and don't stop posting if you need to, I hope you can start to enjoy being a new family

Newpuppymummy · 02/12/2020 21:03

So glad things are now going well.

I missed this thread when it started but just wanted to say foster carers can apply to the court directly to adopt a child if they have been placed with them for longer than 12 months even without the consent or agreement of SS. It doesn’t mean they will win but they are allowed to do this so I don’t think it was a case of SS preferring the foster carers for this child over you. Hope that gives you a bit of reassurance

Niffler75 · 02/12/2020 22:31

@Faith20 Wow that sounds really intense. You must all be exhausted.
OK breathe, LO is at home. Keep things simple, rest as much as you can, order takeaway, fave films.
Make sure you get all the support you need. We are here too and we're a friendly bunch. 💐

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/12/2020 22:58

It was horrendous and we are terrified this traumatic experience will have long term implications.

How bloody awful - I’m not surprised you’re worried. However, this is a known trauma, you can start helping your wee one mourn his loss and in time help them make sense of it all (though that’s a very long term project). They are with you know and as hard as the transition has been/will be, your child is secure in your care.

Original poster

Faith20 · 03/12/2020 08:12

Thank you all - we are totally mentally and physically exhausted. We really wanted an ongoing relationship with the foster carers. Our child is already asking when they can see them. The good thing is a psychologist is involved so I’m going to ask our social worker to find out what is the best thing to tell them. The memory box is full of photos of numerous relatives with messages stating hope to see you soon. The female foster carer has put a card in from mummy! This i relationship will need careful handling! But we will do everything in the best interests of our child.

Thank so much everyone for the support! Much appreciated!

OP posts:

ifchocolatewerecelery · 03/12/2020 08:33

Hugs. The best piece of advice that our LO's foster carers gave us was just because it's in the memory box doesn't mean that we have to share it with the child until we believe they are ready to experience it. Try to view the cards as a positive thing and in time when you start letterbox contact you can keep them with any letters you get in response.

Original poster

Faith20 · 03/12/2020 09:04

Contact will be direct between our child and the foster carers.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/12/2020 09:17

I think the desire to maintain that relationship is a good one, but be prepared to say no if it’s adversely affecting your child or they continue to breach the boundaries of their role. They have no right to ongoing contact with your child, if they can’t manage that in a way that promotes your child’s wellbeing, I’d put a stop to it.

Niffler75 · 03/12/2020 10:35

@Faith20 I think ongoing contact with FC can be positive, but honestly I think with everything that has happened you need to tread extremely carefully and focus on building a relationship with your LO. I know you want to do the right thing, but the right thing may be stepping back completely.
Boundaries have been extremely blurred with the FC and your LO may get very confused. 💐
No decisions need to be made now. Rest and try to enjoy having your LO home.

Original poster

Faith20 · 03/12/2020 10:42

jellyCatPyjamas - that's the issue. We can be the safe adults but if they won't respect boundaries and their track record isn't good. I think the first visit will be supervised anyway so at least our child will get to see they are okay. They are worried about them. SS have already said it would be after Christmas at the earliest! It's just so hard as we really did not want our child who has already lost their birth family to got through this.

Nifler75 - completely agree, boundaries are extremely blurred. That would need addressed by SS before any contact can take place.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/12/2020 11:20

I would meet with social work and be very clear about your concerns and outline all the ways in which they haven’t supported the adoption process thus far. Social work tend to be very protective of foster carers (because they need them to keep fostering) and may brush off your concerns but have those conversations and follow up by emails ahead of time.

Then monitor your child’s behaviour and manner after that first contact and use that to evidence contact as being harmful (if indeed it is - a bit of time and distance may help them find a better place).

My two regressed so far in their behaviour after a first, disastrous, contact that I refused any future contact. It helped that the school saw regression and behaviour so extreme that they supported my view. Social work argued against it - but their view ignored ongoing abuse towards my daughter and the harm that their favouritism towards my son would do to both children.

You obviously don’t want your child to suffer further loss, but there’s also a point when it’s the lesser harm to support your child through another loss rather than have their world turned upside down after each contact. You are their safe adult, and part of that is not putting them in situations that are unsafe, physically, emotionally and psychologically.

I think getting Christmas out of the way first is important - it’ll be hard enough without trying to manage contact too.

Original poster

Faith20 · 03/12/2020 11:44

JCP - thank you!! That’s excellent advice from someone who has been there! I will take on board everything you have said, especially the harm that contact could potentially inflict on our child. The good thing is the carers are from an agency and not our Trust. A meeting has already been called to discuss behaviour and maybe that will enlighten them. But you are right - we just need to get through Christmas!

OP posts:

BlueThistles · 09/12/2020 02:02

Congratulations OP, what a horrendous experience you have all been exposed too. Hoping things have calmed down.

I agree with Jellycatspyjamas, contact needs to be positive, and the after effects for the child must be closely monitored. If any signs indicate the contact is a negative impact in the child, maybe sleep pattern changes behavioral emotional, then stop contact immediately.

have a wonderful Christmas.

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