Foster Parents Stop Introductions

[Faith20]

Hi All,
We are due to start introductions in a week's time. It has been an uphill journey to get this far! Taking over a year to reach this stage, due to new psychological assessments of birth mum, court delays etc.

Three weeks ago after our transition planning meeting, foster mum phoned me to say she doesn't agree with the child being adopted. She threatened to come forward to adopt the child and described how we would be ripping them from their family.

We were extremely shocked as we knew none of this! We sought advice and were reassured that we were matched and the decision was made.

Last week , on the day our child was to be told they were moving to us, they halted the process by stating they wanted to put themselves forward as adopters! We were then told there was to be a professional meeting but introductions were pulled and they were going to be assessed as adoptive parents of the child. For 4 nights we didn't sleep, barely ate and were totally bereft. On the Monday we were told they changed their minds!!!!!

We were elated but feel emotionally and physically drained. We no longer feel any enthusiasm for the adoption and are dreading the introductions. She won't be allowed to contact us again but this child has been in their home for 3 years. We know they need the foster carer's permission to move on and fear the consequences if this does not happen.

Any advice would be welcome?

Yes it is late! We are watching a movie and eating popcorn. He is 10.

SS must have been aware of the Law mind boggles FC have too give 3 month's notice of intentions too adopt, not after approval by courts.

Bit of good news our two siblings are now both together as of yesterday yes difficult due too covid 19. Miss them to bits but happy ending.

These intros/ transition, as you know, are so important for the little one. 8 days seems so short considering the time spent with current carers and the attachment.
I appreciate it will be difficult but I hope you can build a bridge between you and foster carers. (I know the trepidation you must feel but maybe when they are faced with calmness and reassurence they will do what they must, and think of the child) Time spent on a good transition, and not just getting through it, will hopefully help your little one transfer their attachment more readily. You won't get this vital time back again.
Please read Family Futures 2009 if you haven't already.

OP keep us posted and good luck. It'll be fine.

Time spent on a good transition, and not just getting through it, will hopefully help your little one transfer their attachment more readily. You won't get this vital time back again.

Children don’t transfer their attachment, it’s built from scratch each time - having been securely attached to a reliable adult makes that process easier, but the attachment they have to the foster carers will be different to the attachment they build with their forever parents. It’s a slow, years long process to build secure attachment which is important for newly adoptive parents to know so they don’t expect it to be a quick process and that they can help their children properly mourn their previous carers. While it’s true they won’t have this time back again, and good intros can make the transition much easier, it’s always going to be a difficult process after 3 years and I’d respectfully suggest it’s for the foster carers to support this process and make it as easy as possible - it’s their role to “spend time on good transitions”, the OP has little control over that.

It may not be what you meant, but your post reads a bit like “play nice or suffer the consequences”, which is utterly unfair. The foster carers have behaved appallingly here, the OP has every reason to be anxious and sometimes getting through it, knowing that you have a lifetime to heal whatever’s gone before, is the best you can do and is actually protective both for you and your new child.

(I know the trepidation you must feel but maybe when they are faced with calmness and reassurence they will do what they must, and think of the child)

You’d hope that would be the case but experience tells me that it doesn’t always happen. The OP needs to feel confident in her assessment of how able the foster carers are to move on from the failed adoption attempt, and their disagreement about adoption as the right plan for her child, and put the children’s needs first. Having been the parent that gave the benefit of the doubt, against my better judgement, I’d not be quick to assume foster carers can put the child’s needs first and I’d trust my instincts much more.

Thank you all for your comments. Each and every one has been helpful!

Jellycatspyjamas - what I have taken from your experience is that after three years this is going to be very difficult for our child anyway and in some ways that is a separate issue from any issues the foster carers have created. Thankfully we are feeling positive and excited about the move again! This feels wonderful!!! Our bodies and minds are recovering and we feel stronger every day.

Justbeing5 - we will do our utmost to ensure introductions go well for our child. But we also accept we will have no control over how the foster carers react. All we can do is keep ourselves regulated and focus on supporting our child.

@Jellycatspyjamas
Not my words or meaning (play nice or suffer the consequences) however in this situation it is important for both sides, in particular the fc’s, to ‘play nice’ and get the most out of a process fraught with emotion.
I can feel that your past experience would suggest this will not happen but every case is different and unique in its complexities. (I’m surprising myself with this optimism!) When you look back what would you have done differently, obviously the fc’s actions were out of your control, was there anything to be salvaged from a difficult situation that would have helped in your connection with your child?
Without a doubt the fc’s have behaved appallingly, and focus needs to be redirected to the child and their feelings at every stage.
I do understand that attachment is different to different caregivers and needs to be built. Seems to be that a positive legacy from the fc’s is that they afforded the little one a secure attachment.

@Faith20 stay strong op, exciting times! wishing you and little one a wonderful future

When you look back what would you have done differently, obviously the fc’s actions were out of your control, was there anything to be salvaged from a difficult situation that would have helped in your connection with your child?

There really wasn’t anything to be salvaged, despite my best efforts (honestly, I didn’t go into intros wanting to have difficulties with the foster carers). I would have raised concerns much more clearly at the time, each step of the way there were issues which were largely dismissed by the professionals involved. I found myself as one of 6 social workers in a planning meeting (albeit I was there in my private capacity), and was the only person in the room challenging highly inappropriate comments from one of the foster carers about my daughter. If anything the professionals seemed to have the “let’s just get through it” mentality, knowing that I’d be able to pick up the pieces.

I would have challenged the idea that my son had a secure attachment to the foster carers, given their description of his behaviour screamed the opposite. I would have made the intros much more centred on my children and their needs, rather than trying constantly to work around a very chaotic household. It’s difficult without sharing too much (and I’m pretty open with most things), but the foster carers didn’t miss an opportunity to make things difficult for my children, pre and post placement.

There’s a lot of emphasis put on adopters making the most of intros and yes you want to get off to a good start, I guess it’s worth acknowledging that good start might not happen and you have limited ways to influence that. And all is not lost if intros are a challenge.

Thankfully we are feeling positive and excited about the move again! This feels wonderful!!! Our bodies and minds are recovering and we feel stronger every day.

I’m so glad, you deserve to be excited about this time in your life - you won’t be in this exact position again and it’s a special kind of anticipation. Enjoy your final preparations and enjoy meeting your new little one.

We went through a very similar situation when we adopted our son. As soon as FC's realised we were going to be approved they decided they wanted to adopt him. Fortunately SS's said if we were turned down they would be considered, they were not pleased! During introductions they were negative and obstructive and complained we were not Christians. They made everything difficult, however birth parents liked us and we battled through.
Even when placed they would turn up at our house unannounced and demand to see him. I was a snivelling wreck.
However still one of the best things in our lives!

Mynamenotaccepted

Omg that sounds awful, how did you handle them turning up out of the blue? Have you cut them out since if you don't mind me asking?
Also an update from Faith20 would be great watching with interest.

Hi all,
Move going ahead at the minute but someone in the foster carer’s home has symptoms of Covid but has tested negative.

The social workers have been unable to get any routines or Santa list from the carers.

So we are all up in the air at the minute! It could be pulled at any stage. It has been such a tough ride.

Thank you to everyone for their support.

@Faith20 Hang in there! I hope the FC are not being obstructive witholding info. 😕
My thoughts are with you, as I am sure others on this forum are too! 💐

Niffler20 - I’m afraid there’s no doubt they are deliberately being obstructive. I’m desperately upset for the child at the centre of this!! Thank you so much for your support.

Fingers crossed it all goes ahead and you get through it in one piece.

Jellycatspyjamas- thank you! Just so desperately sad for our child who deserves so much more!

Which is exactly why adoption is the right option for your child - because you’ll be able to give them all the love, care and security they so richly deserve

@Faith20 I am so sorry. This needs to be escalated as a matter of urgency to higher management in children's services with clear timeframes as to what is happening. Adoption is the clear plan as dictated by the Courts. 💐 Please take care!

Jellycatspyjamas and Nifler75 - we just feel the car crash is going on around us and we have no control. We are worried about getting the Santa presents delivered in time for Christmas. The child’s sw has been unable to get the list from them. We were looking forward to buying the toys and watching our child open them. We just wanted to be as prepared as we could be but it’s just not going to work out the way we wanted.

But thank you both for your kind thoughts.

Really try not to worry about Christmas, low key is going to be the best thing here - you’ll be a month into placement which can be very rocky. Identify one or two things when they arrive with you and get them if you can, think of how Santa might know your little one has got a new family (we got a customised letter from Santa) and don’t let family and friends go mad. Plan for a very quiet Christmas just the three of you - my two found Christmas very very difficult until this last year (their third here) so try not to have any expectations about how you think it might be, just go with the flow.

Oh goodness what a nightmare. Starting a transition now is awfully close to Xmas which is often a v difficult time for children who are looked after.

It sounds like the fc are in turmoil about the adoption. Perhaps one wishes to adopt and the other partner doesn't. The ssw needs to be supporting the mixed feelings as pp said.

I'm assuming you will have a transition meeting on the day of the meet - or at least that's what we do in my la. This is the best place to raise any concerns though I appreciate that's really difficult.

@Jellycatspyjamas yy to this. Transitions after October should be avoided in my opinion.

Op I really wouldn't flap about the Santa list. You can choose some age appropriate toys and that side of things will be fine don't worry. I totally understand how you want to be super ready and organised and concentrate on the child when they arrive not shopping.

OP Im sorry to read what you have gone through... its utterly appalling and SS should have been preparing the Foster Carers for the Childs Forever Home ... how on earth was the Foster Carer able to contact you directly? this is awful .. and very badly managed..

I do so wish you good luck 🌺

It's ok for adopters and fc to be in touch in the period between panel and transition. It's usually really helpful to find out routines etc!

@Faith20

about the Christmas presents - you know how old the child is - I’d find out what’s currently popular with that age group and buy it - there will be some curren